To not want this woman to replace the kids she can't have with mine?

[HandsOFFplease]

Get your and ready, long post to avoid drip feeding. Long time lurker, first time I'm posting.

Amicably split up with ExDP when DS was 4 and DD 6 months, was pleased that he moved on pretty quickly, but had issues with his new DP and the way she acted around my DCs straight away. Over the past 2 year she has become un-fucking-bearable and I'm at my wits end and clueless as to what to do about her. She was told at a young age she couldn't have children as she delights in telling everyone she knows repeatedly at every chance she gets and it's obviously been a major issue for her all her life, she started IVF privately less than three months after getting with my ExDP, and is constantly trying to undermine me and take over the care of my DC's.

1. Two weeks after he began to date ExDP she had pictures of my DC on her facebook, one of which was of her bottle feeding my daughter (I didn't even know they'd met her at this point) with the tag, 'mummy time' others has tags like 'my handsome boy' I immediately texted ExDP and told him to get her to take them down. She set her facebook to private so I couldn't see if she had them up or not and then sent me text messages telling me she was just trying to bond with the children and that I was being unreasonable.

2. I invited her and ExDP to DD's first birthday party, she spent the entire day monopolizing DD refusing to allow anyone else to hold her, insisted she was in every photograph with her and even tried to open her presents with her. When I put my foot down and refused, she told me it was unfair that I was excluding her and stormed out of the house crying.

3. Convinced herself and ExDP that DS had a wheat allergy, no idea where this came from as he has never had any issues with allergies, started him on a wheat free diet at her house and tried to make me follow it, phoned up his school behind my back to tell them he had this allergy and she was worried that I wasn't taking it seriously enough.

4. She took my DD for her first haircut w/o asking me and is constantly taking DS despite me repeatedly asking her not to cut his hair. She has kept DS off of school to take him to unnecessary Doctors/Dentist appointments w/o asking me, I only found out when I received absence letters from the school.

5. Bitched, whined and moaned from day one that ExDP doesn't get enough time with the DC, despite the fact he suggested our current arrangements and has never said he's unhappy with them.

6. Sent me nasty messages when I went back to work and chose to put DD in a nursery instead of allowing her to look after her during the day.

7. When DS starred in the Christmas Nativity she demanded I force my DM to give up her ticket to her so she could come see him (there was a limited number of tickets per child), when I refused she accused me of trying to 'keep the children out of her life'. My DM had terminal cancer; she won't be able to see him perform again.

8. Constantly feeds the DCs chocolate and sweets, knowing I'm trying to limit them, encourages DS to lie to me about this.
   .

9. Tried to start potty training DD when I specifically asked her not to, as she wasn't ready for it.

10. I'm still very close to ExDP's PIL they think she is a weirdo they invited me to a family BBQ, I left children with a close family friend for the night. She spent the entire night making comments about how she would never leave them alone and said I was selfish to put a night out before my DC.

11. ExDP couldn't make it to Parent's Evening so she came instead; she repeatedly interrupted the teacher and ranted about how the school was not doing enough to support DS's learning. I have never had an issues with his schooling, I was absolutely mortified and had to apologize to DS's teacher.

12. Threw a massive tantrum in front of the DC during handover and made them cry when I told her explicitly she would not be taking them out of school/nursery to go on honeymoon with her and ExDP for 2 weeks to Australia DS still hasn't forgiven me.

13. MIL phoned me and told me she'd invited ExDP and his DP over for a meal, apparently she'd spent the night with ExDP discussing the likelihood of them getting custody of the DCs if they went to court!

14. Is CONSTANTLY buying them expensive presents turning them into spoilt brats which they can only play with at her house. DS now tells me he wants to stay at his Dad's because it's much more fun than here.

15. Found out I hadn't breastfed my DC and spent a family party telling all who would listen, had they been her DCs she would have done it because she's not selfish and cares about their health.

This all came to a head tonight at handover when she revealed she's had the DC's names tattooed horribly on her chest. I admittedly lost my temper and told her she needed to stop trying to replace me and that my kids are my kids, to which she replied she was a far better mother than me and it was unfair that she couldn't have kids and I could.

I honestly cannot deal with this headcase woman anymore. I've tried to raise this issue with ExDP and told him that I feel like she's trying to replace the children she can't have with our DC, but he completely supports her and thinks I am being unreasonable and that it's unfair of me to not let her have an equal say in how they are raised. I've warned him that if she doesn't back off I'm going to stop contact, I have no idea what she's saying to them when they are at his house. As I said, I'm not the only person who sees this, the majority of his family agree with me.

AIBU?

He doesn't have PR... She's never going to get residency!

Why do you say that Wichety? Nowhere has the OP said that the ex doesn't have PR.

OP - do you have a formal contact agreement or have you just worked it out between you? It may be your first line of defense to start formal proceedings so that there are, firstly, very clear boundaries between you and your ex (and make sure that contact is mostly at weekends) and then you can start reining in her behaviour.

Fruitloop is certainly a wierdo, but I think the main problem is that exDP doesn't think there is a problem. He probably thinks he is lucky to have found someone who loves his DC's and he is their Dad. A lot of the things Fruitloop is doing could be argued to be the actions of a wildly over supportive partner.

Although, everything she is doing is really creepy but it might sound a bit wishy washy and subjective in court. I agree with SarahJayneWho 's post, some of the info you have given us helps paint the picture but I think it is meaningless on its own merit.
I think you need to play this carefully and slowly. Good luck.

I think you should let your children's school know what is happening,as well. They may well be a bit shocked at the situation and provide some help. Or ,She may have got in first and told them some stories. Either way, they need to know there is a problem.

It sounds as though her inability to have children has affected her to the point that she is obsessive about it. Is her relationship with your ex even real? Or is she just after the kids? Long term if you could strongly encourage her to adopt/foster then she would be able to fill that void with children of her own, and leave this obsession with yours.

DoIgetastickerforthat Mon 10-Dec-12 17:02:01
Why do you say that Wichety? Nowhere has the OP said that the ex doesn't have PR.

she!!!! that should read.... She as in the girlfriend!! Sorry

This woman wants a family of her own (which is fair enough) and is trying to annexe your children and make them hers (totally outrageous).

First of all, you need to ensure that absolutely everyone that your DC see regularly are aware of the situation. Secondly, you need to talk about it with your family GP, who will be the best and most neutral port of call for advice.

my god OP, this is terrifying!!!
cant offer any more advice that hasn't already been offered, all i can say is make sure you get this sorted before they are married, she has NO parental responsibility, I don't think this would change after they marry but i cannot be certain. And it also looks better in court (if it goes that far) if they aren't married.

If she was married to ex would she then have PR for her Husbands children legally?

It might be worth asking your GP for a copy of the kids medical records, then you can see what fruit loop took them for. You have to submit your request in writing and may have to pay them but it may help give you and idea as to what she took them about.

Also it may be worth mentioning this to your GP. He or she won't really have any advice but you can ask for this to be documented in your medical records and this can be used as evidence in the future for you.

Good luck OP.

kungfu pannda is a lawyer. I would listen to her advice - it's very sound.

WOW!!!!!!!!!

YANBU

who does she think she is?

If they marry then YES she can apply for legal parental responsibility - putting her on the exact same footing as the natural parents. The OP faces a really rough ride if that happens and may well lose her kids permanently as you can bet your bottom dollar that fruitloop would ignore any contact orders etc were she in the driving seat.

The OP needs a residency order asap and to alter the de facto informal contact arrangements NOW.

The wheat thing is abuse. In the standard UK diet wheat & gluten are major food groups. To restrict these without due medical cause and evidence + proper clinical dietry supervision in a young child is abusive pure and simple. The GP is the person to chase on this. You want a full copy of both children's medical notes. This is where you need to start on the legal front to fight back.

STOP over nights from today - blame school routine and your own work routine changing so that you are available to care for the children when your ex is at work. While there is no court order in place you are not unreasonable to do this - after all you aren't restricting the the father's time with his kids. It's considered strange by the courts or anyone else to adjust contact times to tie in with key milestones in children's lives such as starting school or nursery - use that as an excuse. Just say the kids need a more secure midweek routine & smilingly drop them off at 5pm and collect after tea at 6.30 or 7pm on Wednesdays only.

I've said it before already. If you have to give up work for a year or two in order to make this happen then do so. Sadly you were too passive and trusting 2 years ago, and this woman has taken mega advantage of that. If the ex gave a damn about his kids he's have stopped this nonsense years ago.

(I have a child with a diagnosed dairy intolerance NHS, consultants & clinical dieticians etc want to be sure that ALL parties understand the implications of a special diet and give you diet sheets etc to make that happen. The school/pre-school nurse is involved & the school cook is informed etc, etc. You get called to appointments and meetings. There is no way on God's green earth that IF it were true you wouldn't have had a clinic letter from a consultant's secretary as a bare minimum! ).

I've done the family court routine. Never slag off the other parent and keep it all factual written evidence only and you will be fine if you act TODAY. Do agree re getting this thread removed btw.

Hi haven't read all posts but just to say that my exhusband's partner took it upon herself to take my son to the doctor.

They didn't even inform me my son told me he was 3 at the time. I wrote to the doctor and threatened to report them overbuy. They totally admitted they were in the wrong and sent a very grovelling apology and I informed them that in no circumstances was she ever to take him to the doctor again or discuss my son with them. I would take that up with the doctor.

Over it

Not really any qualified opinion but horrified nonetheless.

Re: the school. My friend has concerns about her ExH, mainly that he'll let any old squeeze pick DC up when his weekend.

Friend had meeting with the school and they were very supportive about her concerns. Whilst he has every right as a parent, the school would make an excuse, hold onto the child then ring the mother to inform. It was a stalling tactic but puts you in control.

Same with GP, HV, Dentist. Tell everyone you know - not necessarily that you have concerns for their safety, that could look unhinged yourself, but that they are subject of a custody dispute and nothing can be done without your permission.

Get to know your doctor and dentist. Ask for allergy to be checked out do you look like you are taking appropriate concern.

To be honest, I often annoy the doctor with 'it's probably nothing but .......'. A couple of these kind of appointments so they know your face and can vouch that you are concerned and involved parent are invaluable.

That's what SHE's doing.

Good luck

On another thread I suggested the new partner to the father should be involved in the childrens' lives.

This is the exact opposite! I am horrified. Please get legal advice asap and gather as much evidence as you possibly can.

This woman is a total loon.

I have an aqaintance who got custody of her ex husbands children by another woman. Both the bilogical parents still have access and are apparently not happy as she posts on facebook moaning about tgem.

As far as I know, she proved the mother was neglectful so the father got main custody, then split with the father. I don't knw the ins and outs and have no reason to beleive the aqaintance is lying, but it happens.

Infertility is a nasty thing to deal with and I think the title and OP are really unkind to people who suffer from it. I also think it is totally irrelevant to your situation as except for Eastenders infertility does not create baby stealing side effects.

Your ex's new partner sounds unhinged but that isn't because she is infertile. You should get help though legal and maybe social services?

I think its totally relevant actually since the woman has made comments about it such as how the OP shouldn't be the one able to have children - she should, etc!

DoingItontheRooftop, I agree with you up to a point, it took me 10 years to have my baby and I am normally the first to take issue with people who assume those who have fertility problems are baby snatchers, which I experienced first hand many times.

But in this case I don't see how the OP could have properly explained the situation without mentioning these problems. But this woman is behaving like this because she is a loony, not because she's infertile. I didn't think the OP was at all nasty about the fertility problems, and it's the fruitloop who is saying things like 'It's not fair you can have children and I can't because I'm a better mother.'

It made me bloody angry actually because she's giving all the other infertile women a bad name.

So brita those parents had their legal PR removed then?

DoingItontheRooftop, I agree with you up to a point, it took me 10 years to have my baby and I am normally the first to take issue with people who assume those who have fertility problems are baby snatchers, which I experienced first hand many times.

But in this case I don't see how the OP could have properly explained the situation without mentioning these problems. But this woman is behaving like this because she is a loony, not because she's infertile. I didn't think the OP was at all nasty about the fertility problems, and it's the fruitloop who is saying things like 'It's not fair you can have children and I can't because I'm a better mother.'

It made me bloody angry actually because she's giving all the other infertile women a bad name.

I don't think the OP made any comment which purports to represent all women with fertility issues, just about this nutter in particular.