To not want this woman to replace the kids she can't have with mine?

[HandsOFFplease]

Get your and ready, long post to avoid drip feeding. Long time lurker, first time I'm posting.

Amicably split up with ExDP when DS was 4 and DD 6 months, was pleased that he moved on pretty quickly, but had issues with his new DP and the way she acted around my DCs straight away. Over the past 2 year she has become un-fucking-bearable and I'm at my wits end and clueless as to what to do about her. She was told at a young age she couldn't have children as she delights in telling everyone she knows repeatedly at every chance she gets and it's obviously been a major issue for her all her life, she started IVF privately less than three months after getting with my ExDP, and is constantly trying to undermine me and take over the care of my DC's.

1. Two weeks after he began to date ExDP she had pictures of my DC on her facebook, one of which was of her bottle feeding my daughter (I didn't even know they'd met her at this point) with the tag, 'mummy time' others has tags like 'my handsome boy' I immediately texted ExDP and told him to get her to take them down. She set her facebook to private so I couldn't see if she had them up or not and then sent me text messages telling me she was just trying to bond with the children and that I was being unreasonable.

2. I invited her and ExDP to DD's first birthday party, she spent the entire day monopolizing DD refusing to allow anyone else to hold her, insisted she was in every photograph with her and even tried to open her presents with her. When I put my foot down and refused, she told me it was unfair that I was excluding her and stormed out of the house crying.

3. Convinced herself and ExDP that DS had a wheat allergy, no idea where this came from as he has never had any issues with allergies, started him on a wheat free diet at her house and tried to make me follow it, phoned up his school behind my back to tell them he had this allergy and she was worried that I wasn't taking it seriously enough.

4. She took my DD for her first haircut w/o asking me and is constantly taking DS despite me repeatedly asking her not to cut his hair. She has kept DS off of school to take him to unnecessary Doctors/Dentist appointments w/o asking me, I only found out when I received absence letters from the school.

5. Bitched, whined and moaned from day one that ExDP doesn't get enough time with the DC, despite the fact he suggested our current arrangements and has never said he's unhappy with them.

6. Sent me nasty messages when I went back to work and chose to put DD in a nursery instead of allowing her to look after her during the day.

7. When DS starred in the Christmas Nativity she demanded I force my DM to give up her ticket to her so she could come see him (there was a limited number of tickets per child), when I refused she accused me of trying to 'keep the children out of her life'. My DM had terminal cancer; she won't be able to see him perform again.

8. Constantly feeds the DCs chocolate and sweets, knowing I'm trying to limit them, encourages DS to lie to me about this.
   .

9. Tried to start potty training DD when I specifically asked her not to, as she wasn't ready for it.

10. I'm still very close to ExDP's PIL they think she is a weirdo they invited me to a family BBQ, I left children with a close family friend for the night. She spent the entire night making comments about how she would never leave them alone and said I was selfish to put a night out before my DC.

11. ExDP couldn't make it to Parent's Evening so she came instead; she repeatedly interrupted the teacher and ranted about how the school was not doing enough to support DS's learning. I have never had an issues with his schooling, I was absolutely mortified and had to apologize to DS's teacher.

12. Threw a massive tantrum in front of the DC during handover and made them cry when I told her explicitly she would not be taking them out of school/nursery to go on honeymoon with her and ExDP for 2 weeks to Australia DS still hasn't forgiven me.

13. MIL phoned me and told me she'd invited ExDP and his DP over for a meal, apparently she'd spent the night with ExDP discussing the likelihood of them getting custody of the DCs if they went to court!

14. Is CONSTANTLY buying them expensive presents turning them into spoilt brats which they can only play with at her house. DS now tells me he wants to stay at his Dad's because it's much more fun than here.

15. Found out I hadn't breastfed my DC and spent a family party telling all who would listen, had they been her DCs she would have done it because she's not selfish and cares about their health.

This all came to a head tonight at handover when she revealed she's had the DC's names tattooed horribly on her chest. I admittedly lost my temper and told her she needed to stop trying to replace me and that my kids are my kids, to which she replied she was a far better mother than me and it was unfair that she couldn't have kids and I could.

I honestly cannot deal with this headcase woman anymore. I've tried to raise this issue with ExDP and told him that I feel like she's trying to replace the children she can't have with our DC, but he completely supports her and thinks I am being unreasonable and that it's unfair of me to not let her have an equal say in how they are raised. I've warned him that if she doesn't back off I'm going to stop contact, I have no idea what she's saying to them when they are at his house. As I said, I'm not the only person who sees this, the majority of his family agree with me.

AIBU?

I have read this thread, sat back and thought about over the day.

My personal advice would be to have ex on your side. Explain to him that as he does not have the dc while he's at work you'd like to have them and he can pick them up from you when he has finished work.

The other woman is playing a very dangerous game- I've had the same where ex oh and him wanted custody as she couldn't have any. They couldn't persue but my situ was different.

You want to pull dc away from her but you must have your ex on your side. Tell him you miss them and have no problems him having them and when he is free he can pick them up. Other woman is manipulating him and he has to see you stable.

There is a lot to think about and you've had some excellent advice.

I do think you ought to ask MN to move or hide this, would not be surprised if she uses the site.

Kng Fu Panda advice is excellent.

I am a stepmum, and i think shes totally out of order. I ring dps ex w if we are getting haircuts ect to see if she minds them having them! This woman sounds like she needs serious help and to deal with her own issues without involving your children.

change access to weekend for a start, fruitloop sounds like she could get even loopier when her partner is not around and that would scare me....

Absolutely shocking behaviour!

I wouldn't bother with trying to get the ex on side though - it sounds like he's in on it as well from what your in-laws said. He can't have failed to notice the tattoo - if he doesn't think she's deranged from that (and he's still marrying her?) I would say it may well be what he wants too.

I would echo what other posters have said - get legal advice before you do anything at all!

Maybe bridget but I feel like the title was meant to bate people it could have been mentioned in context, I feel like the OP thinks the woman is acting that way because she is infertile. And I am sure if she had a child of her own there would be something else, she sounds a bit off in general

Bloody hell. Do what KungFuPanda has suggested, she knows what she's talking about!

definately agree now this needs to be in OTBT, hope you and SIL get to a solicitor tomorrow.

DoingitontheRooftop, I know what you mean about the title because I came on this thread expecting this to be a typical rant against infertile women along the lines of 'She sometimes reads the child a bedtime story and helped picked a Christmas present and once said what a nice child DS was so she must be trying to steal my kids' type of thing.

And I was all ready to be irate but after reading it, it's certainly not a case of that. And as you said if it wasn't a baby she couldn't have it would be money or possessions or she'd obsess about her health or something.

An awful thought has just occurred to me, what if she is deliberately hurting your kids to then take them to the doctor with bruises etc, have you seen the notes from their visit??

Bridgetbidet, don't think anybodyt hinks this one woman is giving all women without children or women with fertility issues a bad name.

Some women with children have psychological problems, or are manipulative, devious....

Yes, that's what I was saying GinSoaked. You get the impression from the title that it will be, but it's not.

I haven't got any practical advice really but i was in a similar situation as a child.
My mum and dad split up, my dad went to australia. A few months later my mums friend went out there as well and they shacked up together. Within a yr they had managed to get me there for a holiday, i was there for ten yrs. its took yrs of legal battles fir my mum to get me back.
That woman couldn't have children, as soon as my mum got me back they split up which makes you think she was only interested in me, what the dozy cow didn't realize is that my dad was sleeping with loads of other woman!
Anyway be very careful and make sure everyone knows what is going on, then if she makes stuff up about you it will be obvious what shes lying.
I would take the most drastic measures possible.
You also need to be more assertive and make sure she knows taking you on will be a battle, these are your kids and she sounds bonkers! Good luck x

This type of behavior is unacceptable my children would not be going anywhere near a women like that AT ALL. I would go through court if I had to. A step mum / dad can be a treasure to any child's life and I am not against them becoming family at all. However there are limits and this women would be on the verge of CRAZY!! She would not be in my children's life no matter how harsh that may be on EXH/P It just would not happen.

Following Witchety's questions re: the purpose of going to a solicitor, let me clarify.

I do not suggest the OP should approach a solicitor with a view to going to court to stop this woman doing these things. I suggest she sees a solicitor for 2 reasons:

1. To find out exactly where she stands, and the likely impact of anything she does at this stage, should the matter become contentious.

2. To have the solicitor put forward proposed new contact arrangements, because the current ones are no longer satisfactory, due to the concerns the OP has about the other woman's possible affect on the DCs' emotional well-being and health.

What I would expect to happen would be that a solicitor would advise generally about what could be done, and then write to the ex with new proposals. If these were refused, with or without the ex instructing a lawyer of his own, mediation would be proposed.

If mediation failed, it might at that point be time to start thinking about approaching a court to formalise contact arrangements. The OP could also apply for a residence order because of her concerns about the ex and his partner seeking to remove the children from her - she would need the SIL for this presumably.

I think the OP has to assume that the other woman intends to try to get the ex to apply for residency, by some means or another. Her comments and behaviour all suggest this. Approaching a solicitor is a precaution. If the OP has formally agreed contact and residence arrangements, it will be that much harder for them to upset the status-quo further down the line. If the ex's response to a mild request to formalise contact arrangements is to go in all guns blazing and apply for residence etc, well that is going to look a little suspect.

It seems to me that, sooner or later, someone is going to have to make a move. Either the other woman is going to wind up the ex to the point of applying for residence, or she is going to make some sort of allegation, or the OP is going to be pushed so far that she is going to have to draw a line. I think that there might be a chance of stopping this whole thing right now by taking some advice and putting some formal arrangements in place.

YANBU. She is a manipulative monster! King Fu Panda was completely spot on advice wise,please take it on board and act asap!

I have absolutely nothing to add to this post but it has made me so sad that you expected and
I hope that you get this sorted quickly for the sake of you and your DC [hopefulsmile]

Thinking about it some more, with your current arrangements presumably she has more interaction at school than you do if they are there Mon-Weds.

You need to stop that pronto. Playgrounds can be funny places and she's probably bad mouthing you to other parents too.

You really need to go for weekend access for ex-P and be seen as the primary carer during 'business' hours iyswim (school, healthcare, opticians etc).

Madness,you need to go to court OP.

bridget the woman who had her newborn pinched from hospital about 20 years ago was in This Morning when her DD was about 12. Since her daughter's kidnap and getting her back she'd done a lot of research on child snatching women. She got very angry when R & J talked about women with fertility issues/lost babies snatching from hospitals. She said that there had never been a case of it and it was a popular myth. People who pretend to be pg then snatch a newborn do it in every case to keep a man she said not me before I'm flamed . She got very agitated when this was discussed and had obviously done her research.

Sorry for going OT, OP

BumBiscuits for christ's bloody sake, that's what I'm saying. It took me ten years to conceive my son and I know exactly what it's like.

I've read and re-read my post and the posts I was responding to and I can't for the life of me work out why you think that I'm accusing all infertile women of being childsnatchers when that's the exact opposite of what I'm saying.

I have nothing to input but what an awful situation. Youve been given some amazing advice by people in the know. I hope you get this resolved

Marrying a parent doesn't give PR to the step parent. Ot can be applied for but the consent of all who already have PR must be given before it's granted. We got PR for DH and DS1 when we got married. XDP has no PR and no interest so it was easy but the paperwork said very clearly that all parties with PR must agree first. So she won't just get PR easily but I definitely agree that legal advice quickly about the rest is a must. I know of a couple who play cosy families when his DC comes for visits and it makes me very uneasy because the child's mother is very much alive and involved - the DC lives with her the rest of the week.