To not want this woman to replace the kids she can't have with mine?

[HandsOFFplease]

Get your and ready, long post to avoid drip feeding. Long time lurker, first time I'm posting.

Amicably split up with ExDP when DS was 4 and DD 6 months, was pleased that he moved on pretty quickly, but had issues with his new DP and the way she acted around my DCs straight away. Over the past 2 year she has become un-fucking-bearable and I'm at my wits end and clueless as to what to do about her. She was told at a young age she couldn't have children as she delights in telling everyone she knows repeatedly at every chance she gets and it's obviously been a major issue for her all her life, she started IVF privately less than three months after getting with my ExDP, and is constantly trying to undermine me and take over the care of my DC's.

1. Two weeks after he began to date ExDP she had pictures of my DC on her facebook, one of which was of her bottle feeding my daughter (I didn't even know they'd met her at this point) with the tag, 'mummy time' others has tags like 'my handsome boy' I immediately texted ExDP and told him to get her to take them down. She set her facebook to private so I couldn't see if she had them up or not and then sent me text messages telling me she was just trying to bond with the children and that I was being unreasonable.

2. I invited her and ExDP to DD's first birthday party, she spent the entire day monopolizing DD refusing to allow anyone else to hold her, insisted she was in every photograph with her and even tried to open her presents with her. When I put my foot down and refused, she told me it was unfair that I was excluding her and stormed out of the house crying.

3. Convinced herself and ExDP that DS had a wheat allergy, no idea where this came from as he has never had any issues with allergies, started him on a wheat free diet at her house and tried to make me follow it, phoned up his school behind my back to tell them he had this allergy and she was worried that I wasn't taking it seriously enough.

4. She took my DD for her first haircut w/o asking me and is constantly taking DS despite me repeatedly asking her not to cut his hair. She has kept DS off of school to take him to unnecessary Doctors/Dentist appointments w/o asking me, I only found out when I received absence letters from the school.

5. Bitched, whined and moaned from day one that ExDP doesn't get enough time with the DC, despite the fact he suggested our current arrangements and has never said he's unhappy with them.

6. Sent me nasty messages when I went back to work and chose to put DD in a nursery instead of allowing her to look after her during the day.

7. When DS starred in the Christmas Nativity she demanded I force my DM to give up her ticket to her so she could come see him (there was a limited number of tickets per child), when I refused she accused me of trying to 'keep the children out of her life'. My DM had terminal cancer; she won't be able to see him perform again.

8. Constantly feeds the DCs chocolate and sweets, knowing I'm trying to limit them, encourages DS to lie to me about this.
   .

9. Tried to start potty training DD when I specifically asked her not to, as she wasn't ready for it.

10. I'm still very close to ExDP's PIL they think she is a weirdo they invited me to a family BBQ, I left children with a close family friend for the night. She spent the entire night making comments about how she would never leave them alone and said I was selfish to put a night out before my DC.

11. ExDP couldn't make it to Parent's Evening so she came instead; she repeatedly interrupted the teacher and ranted about how the school was not doing enough to support DS's learning. I have never had an issues with his schooling, I was absolutely mortified and had to apologize to DS's teacher.

12. Threw a massive tantrum in front of the DC during handover and made them cry when I told her explicitly she would not be taking them out of school/nursery to go on honeymoon with her and ExDP for 2 weeks to Australia DS still hasn't forgiven me.

13. MIL phoned me and told me she'd invited ExDP and his DP over for a meal, apparently she'd spent the night with ExDP discussing the likelihood of them getting custody of the DCs if they went to court!

14. Is CONSTANTLY buying them expensive presents turning them into spoilt brats which they can only play with at her house. DS now tells me he wants to stay at his Dad's because it's much more fun than here.

15. Found out I hadn't breastfed my DC and spent a family party telling all who would listen, had they been her DCs she would have done it because she's not selfish and cares about their health.

This all came to a head tonight at handover when she revealed she's had the DC's names tattooed horribly on her chest. I admittedly lost my temper and told her she needed to stop trying to replace me and that my kids are my kids, to which she replied she was a far better mother than me and it was unfair that she couldn't have kids and I could.

I honestly cannot deal with this headcase woman anymore. I've tried to raise this issue with ExDP and told him that I feel like she's trying to replace the children she can't have with our DC, but he completely supports her and thinks I am being unreasonable and that it's unfair of me to not let her have an equal say in how they are raised. I've warned him that if she doesn't back off I'm going to stop contact, I have no idea what she's saying to them when they are at his house. As I said, I'm not the only person who sees this, the majority of his family agree with me.

AIBU?

Thing is, he has good contact, is the situation joint residency?

Courts will not whip his present situation away on a whim. They will want clear documented proof. Wondering if teachers have any issues? Cafcass ( slated lots I know) can speak to everyone, gp's included ... And the dc alone, to build a clear picture

Total horrified by this and is my worst nightmare.

Re lawyer ask if your ex is not present do you have to hand over the children?

lawyer to write letters to school, doctors and hcp that a parent should always be present and letters go to both adresses.

Letter to ex regareding your concern and to inform him the passports are help at lawyers and need both signtures to access them.

Change of curcimstance and access - ex to have children every other weekend only.

Nothing what she has done is illegal. You need to change jobs/hours to make sure you can take and pick up children from 5pm or put children with cm? To beable to look after children all week.

Can you ask your exsil to look at her fb page?

Its not about her taking your children its about boundries with them. She is going to marry ex not the children has she got his name tatooed as well?

Have you talked to her about what you expected from her as a step mum? Have you talked to her about her roll as stepparent? How she will cope with three children if ivf works or about adopting?

Could you drop hints that if the ivf does not work being involved with ss about your children could hinder her adopting? That ss would have to investage all possable way the children might be abused and that would include her?

Legal advice and a meeting with the school to agree appropriate boundaries.

Medation regarding parenting issues and boundries for all parties involved?

Re. parenting evening ur ex could have called the teachers or made another appointment for him to see them. There was no need for hdr to go. She needs this explaining to her as its all new to her.

I would have to comment on the tatoo " its good you think that much of my children. They think your a nice friend to them"

this sounds awful. I really don't know the legalities of what you can realistically achieve in this situation but I hope you can get her off your back and away from your dc. I would be tempted to move quite far away tbh

WOW!

Just WOW!

Witchety given we've only had the OP's side of the story, do you not believe SM is preparing the ground to have the XP go for full residency of the DCs? I'm not going by the OP here, but by the later comment that the SM has said to the SIL she has seen cuts and bruises on the children? I don't see any other interpretation of that, I'm afraid.

Can you see her fb via mil? I suspect that screen shots of her essentially telling the world she's a mother might also prove useful evidence that she is going beyond normal stepmother bonding and is possibly following an obsessive desire for children?

That's clever anairofhope. " if ivf doesn't work out for you, any investigation wrt abuse of any description will hamper your chances of adopting, so good luck with the ivf" {sweet smile}

OP I think you need to be very careful about what yu do and don't raise an issues.

1.The tattoo, fucking creepy, but what can be done? There is no court order that will force someone to remove a tattoo. Some might see it as a symbol of her dedication to her step children. Plus really, it's not "hurting" them in any way.

2.Giving them chocolate and sweets, don't mention this, ever. It will look petty and give the rest of your real concerns less credibility.

1. Don't mention FB photos in general being an issue, I would mention the "mummy time" caption though, in the right circumstances.

1. Don't mention that she buys them expensive things, just don't. We knw she's trying to "buy" them - she will fail by the way, but it looks like bitterness and jealousy on your part.

A friend of mine is in a similar position, not nearly as bad though (thankfully).

Her ex also has the children 3 nights a week and she has been told it would be very hard (impossible nearly) to get a court order to state her ex has to be the one physically looking after the children during his time, unless proof of neglect or abuse. Same for collecting and picking up from school. She wrote to the school and said she doesn't want ex's new woman picking her kids up on his days and ex's solicitor got in touch and said this was not enforceable and ex gives his permission for his gf to collect them which is as valid as her saying she can't. So the gf collects them regularly now.

Wow, she sounds completely over the top. She really has crossed some pretty serious boundaries and I would definitely seek some professional advice.

YANBU!

What exotic fruits said

Before the tattoo thing goes any further, are you sure she wasn't just winding you up? It's just so hard to believe that someone would actually do this, knowing it makes them look deranged! I wouldn't bring it up at all unless you have seen it with your own eyes (not a photo).

And lungful ands. Brilliant advice.

It would be perfect wouldn't it, if she knows you're thinking along these lines. You tell exSIL that this woman has the tattoo, this woman says "what?!" in a confused tone, then gives a little laugh and says "see, I told you she's taking this trying-to-steal-the-kids thing too far" and shows non-tattooed chest.

Kingfu panda even! Bloody iPhone

I applued you op for keeping your shit together, I would of goaded her into assaulting me in public a long time ago ;)

At this point it is time to register what she has said with the police.

What she has claimed about you abusing your children is slanderous and could possibly be deemed as harassment.

At least you need to log with a solicitor immediately. Like today. Because it will help you fend off SS should she make a complaint.

I think she's evil...

This has made me feel so depressed all afternoon. It's just a mother's worst nightmare.

Oh god what a horrid situation! How long until they are married? I wonder if hearing from one of her previous DPsw will open his eyes to how she really is. Good luck op.

This is awful. Agree you need to lawyer up straight away. Also thinking you need to call a family meeting with ex-h plus ex-ILs and maybe someone else from 'your' side (dm/df?). Keep very calm but explain all of your good points from this thread, focusing on how her behaviour is bad for dc - spoiling them, undermining their relationship with you and taking over when it comes to their relationship with their dad. Tell him you absolutely refuse to co-parent with her any more and you no longer want you or your dc to have anything to do with her. Explain you still want your dc to see their dad as much as possible but that sadly she has forced the issue and will no longer be able to see your dc. this might be inconvenient for him and look to him to work with you to still get to see his children. It's bound to cause a row but try and maintain a position of it's not your fault, you are trying to keep things amicable but she has overstepped and spoilt things for herself. If he says you are being petty or mean ask why he thinks you should have to put up with being insulted, called a bad mother, having your wishes overruled, harried, hectored, argued with about all things over which this woman has NO legal right whatsoever. I am incensed for you and I wish you every bit of personal strength and courage it is going to take to get this sorted. I also think you need to suggest ways in which she can eventually return to your children's lives as he is committed to spending his life with her. Conditions like she seeks counselling and submits to psychiatric assessment before being allowed supervised access alongside your ex-p.

Psychiatric assessment??
And that Would leave ex dp able to make the same demands for any future partner the op has....or indeed anyone she leaves the dc in the care of..... And a psych assessment is very very costly.

She is definitely gearing up to involve external agencies to build a case in favour of her and your xp getting residence.
One thing you need to raise to everyone and maybe exsil or exmil may be able to get it across to xp is that if he just sits back and goes along for the ride and he does get residence through her actions whats to stop her going a step further and going for sole residence against him at a later date.
It does seem that this may be her long term aim partner optional if she decides he no longer fits into her plans (this assumption however is only based on xsil's comments that she's tried to do the same to friends children, where she has absolutely no place and not just partners children).