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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give this to dd for Christmas?

154 replies

We3bunniesOfOrientAre · 09/12/2012 11:33

I had bought something for the kitchen, the company sent the wrong item, I was going to send it back (all agreed with company). Now I have discovered that someone has taken it out of it's packet, I don't think I can return it now. The place that I put it is one where I think it unlikely that anyone other than dd1 did it - she is nearly 8 but prone to fiddling with things which aren't hers. Ds couldn't get it and dd2 wouldn't be likely to do it, it is also right by where she sits. It costs about 5 pounds. It will not be her only present, but is it unreasonable to tell her that as it is because she opened it, it will now become hers and she might have less other things as a result?

OP posts:
Alarielle · 09/12/2012 15:06

your dh comes home and tells you that you have a high temp and sends you to bed. what are you a child?

MulledTurkey · 09/12/2012 15:12

If I wrapped up and gave my dd's all the things they shouldn't have broken, fiddled with, opened- for Xmas,they would have a pile of random assorted stuff!
Just speak to her and ask her not to do it again. If indeed it was her.

usualsocksprezzie · 09/12/2012 15:12

I think your high temperature has sent you a bit delirious

Startail · 09/12/2012 15:20

OP I feel your pain.

DD1 has spent the last 14.5 years fiddling.
Ever since she learnt to roll over and get in the TV wires she has been fiddling with things that aren't hers.

I would be very tempted. I don't think I'd have been that mean when she was 8, but by the time she was 11, I might have.

The only consolation I can give you is that from around 12 she has got a lot better and I now dare let her go in a shop on her own without dreading her messing with absolutely everything, including things balanced precariously on the till and not for sale.

bakingaddict · 09/12/2012 15:26

Fuck me have I just stumbled into some parallel universe where it's Victorian England circa 1890 and people are getting spoons and scissors for Christmas and kids baking utensils.

It will take a lot lot more than £5 to sort out your DD's therapy in later years if you persist in doing this

ChristmasIsAcumenin · 09/12/2012 15:37

Do not give presents as punishments. They are separate things. This is how lifelong neuroses are formed!

fuzzpig · 09/12/2012 15:39

Please don't wrap it up for her. It's mean.

By all means tell her off and think of some punishment (I think somebody mentioned giving her extra chores to 'work off' the expense?) because she does need to try not to fiddle with stuff. But don't use Xmas to teach a lesson FFS especially when it is more than 2 weeks after the 'crime'.

comfyclothes · 09/12/2012 15:41

oh my, words fail me also. Is this a joke?

For £5.00 I would let it go. I really feel for your child.

FlorIxora · 09/12/2012 15:44

I don't understand your need to humiliate her on Christmas Day of all days.

You should not give her the spatula at all, try and return it. If you give her the spatula she will learn that she just has to "fiddle" with things for them to become her property.

I think your proposed punishment is completely inappropriate and would ruin Christmas for her and probably make her feel inadequate.

She could help you clean out the cupboard she found the item in, if you can actually prove/know it's her. It seems odd that you are so convinced she is at fault.

PrincessScrumpy · 09/12/2012 15:53

So you are teaching her that if she wants something she just has to fiddle with it and then she gets it?! I don't think this will achieve what you want it to achieve.

You also don't know it was her and if it was, by Christmas she won't even remember.

If it's a continued behaviour issue you need to deal with it, but not like this.

Mumofthreeteens · 09/12/2012 16:44

This has to be a wind up. If not.....
You need to learn to put things well out of reach if you have a curious fiddler in the house. My ds18 will still pinch sweets not belonging to him if he sniffs them out! He has also pinched my knitted hat and we have over a metre of snow here at home....
I feel very sorry for your dd if she really does have such a vindictive mother. She maybe your eldest but believe me at 8 years old she is still very little. Talk to her now, find out the truth and deal with it immediately and do not leave it until Christmas.

Original poster
We3bunniesOfOrientAre · 09/12/2012 17:11

I'm not vindictive, still a bit feverish, and when I say 'sent to bed' I meant that he was taking over lunch, children etc, as he doesn't want me to be ill.

We have asked them all, calmly obviously, they have all denied, I explained why I was upset, dd1 has been acting guilty, but we are letting it lie. I have no proof, I thought she might own up, ds couldn't reach it, and it is just something dd2 would never do (she has her own other quirks), and it is exactly the sort of thing dd1 would do.

I will try to return it, thanks Oxford it is still unused. Hopefully it will be ok. I think it is more the principal of her constantly fiddling, even when we ask her not to which is annoying us, this is just the latest thing.

She does seem to almost be incapable of not fiddling with something, even over lunch she three times had to be told not to fiddle with stuff, when her 3 + 5 yr old siblings manage to get through meals without it. I hope like Startall 's dd she grows out of it. I can totally sympathise with the shop thing, thank goodness for online shopping.

I do try to hide things, but I honestly didn't think that a spatula in a bag would have that much appeal to an 8yr old!

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 09/12/2012 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TacticalWheelbarrow · 09/12/2012 17:46

I have an 8 year old DS and I am Shock at this!

OP is it really worth upsetting your DD on Christmas Day for the sake of a £5 spatula?

I certainly don't!

MissPants · 09/12/2012 17:51

Tbh I'm more concerned that you made it clear to her you are upset and instead of explaining why just left her to wonder what she had done until you saw fit to accuse her.

I used to play that game with DH when I was 15, it's called "guess why I'm pissed off this time, I'll give you a clue, it's your fault" thankfully I grew out of that before I was 18 Hmm

Not something I would do to any of my children.

HildaOgden · 09/12/2012 17:59

Sort that temperature....you most definitely need to chill out.

MerryMarigold · 09/12/2012 18:01

MissPants. I don't think the OP accused her. She said she talked to all of them and no-one is confessing, so they are letting it lie, but she believes it is dd1.

Stop being so horrible to someone with a temperature! And saying her kid's gonna end up in therapy. Purlease. There's a lot of totally entitled kids who are going to be spending ££££'s on therapy because their parents never taught them they are not the centre of the universe, and doing wrong things will have a consequence.

apostrophethesnowman · 09/12/2012 18:04

Your OP makes you sound petty, cruel and vindictive. You sound like you're picking on your child. You've blamed her for something that you have no proof that she did, even after she denied it. Poor child.

I seriously hope that it's you being not well that makes you come across this way. You do need to get things into perspective.

All that grief for £5. Beggars belief actaully.

laptopdancer · 09/12/2012 18:08

I don't understand why you would save the punishment up for 3 weeks that way. For any sort of lesson, it has to be addressed near the "point of sale" so to speak. Can't you just take £5 from her if she has savings/pocket money or whatever or say she can't do/have something more immediate?

Saving it up for Christmas seems a bit "Mommie Dearest" to me

PurpleRayne · 09/12/2012 18:21

Mean-spirited.

HildaOgden · 09/12/2012 18:22

'Saving it up for Christmas seems a bit "Mommie Dearest" to me'

I'm glad you said that laptopdancer,I knew this reminded me of something.That's it exactly.

Original poster
We3bunniesOfOrientAre · 09/12/2012 18:24

I have not singled her out in accusing her - it wasn't me or dh, no one else has been here since, no pets so unless it was a cheeky elf it must have been one of them. We asked them to confess, no one has, but she has since then been in a grumpy mood, which is how she acts when she has done something wrong. I explained to all of them why I was upset that someone had fiddled with something which wasn't theirs. I really don't think that is unreasonable, they do need to learn not to mess with things which aren't theirs. They need to know the boundaries of acceptable behaviour.

I asked for some opinions, which were useful, and took some medicine, which also helped. I will look into some things to occupy her hands more - she often plays the piano, but can't do that all day. She is fine when she has something to focus on, but I can't occupy her every minute of the day and she needs to find some solutions for other times. Off to have an early night once the dc are in bed.

I'm sorry for whatever you are going through MrsDeVere I hope you find some peace tonight.

OP posts:
FierySmaug · 09/12/2012 18:28

Sorry, but you sound a bit mad. Your poor DD.
I have an 8 year old DD and couldn't imagine making such a huge issue of something so minor.

fluffiphlox · 09/12/2012 18:35

What a funny family...(as indeed all families are, of course)

WitchCrafter · 09/12/2012 18:40

I think you have money issues which is making you oversensitive.
Dd is inquisitive and its a quirk of hers- albeit one that bugs you. She must sense how annoyed you are so get the refund, have a chat with her and tell her you're sorry you are cross, and you'd like to have a fresh start.