to give this to dd for Christmas?

[We3bunniesOfOrientAre]

I had bought something for the kitchen, the company sent the wrong item, I was going to send it back (all agreed with company). Now I have discovered that someone has taken it out of it's packet, I don't think I can return it now. The place that I put it is one where I think it unlikely that anyone other than dd1 did it - she is nearly 8 but prone to fiddling with things which aren't hers. Ds couldn't get it and dd2 wouldn't be likely to do it, it is also right by where she sits. It costs about 5 pounds. It will not be her only present, but is it unreasonable to tell her that as it is because she opened it, it will now become hers and she might have less other things as a result?

[CajaDeLaMemoria]

I'm fiddly. I'm not a child. I'm 22.

I was hit for fiddling at home. Then humiliated. I quickly learnt to keep my hands to myself, and never ask for anything. I started biting my nails, right down to the bottom. My fingers would bleed and bleed but it'd stop me touching anything.

I had that habit for years. I went through phases of plaiting my hair, playing with my belt, flipping my phone case.

Now I fiddle with things I'm wearing. My necklace, my bracelets. It's very much an anxiety response in me, and no amount of therapy has helped yet. Sometimes I know I'm doing it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes it drives people mad.

My point is, you won't stop her from fiddling through telling her off, or punishments. She didn't steal it, she just touched it. Try giving her other things to touch. It'll make life a lot less stressful for all of you.

[TeaJunky]

Jesus. You sound awful.

Your poor dd.

[valiumredhead]

Fast forward to when she has left home, do you think any of this really matters?

Kids fiddle. Sometimes they fiddle with stuff they shouldn't. That's what kids do.

This is not something she needs to learn a lesson over.

It's worth a fiver ffs - honestly! You haven't even tried to send it back yet!

Move anything precious out of the way and tell the children it is OUT OF BOUNDS. Then if they fiddle that's the time to go off the deep end.

Save punishments for things that matter and don't use Chistmas as a way of punishment unless you want to store up a lifetime of resentment.

[TeaJunky]

Just remembered something.

Once I came home from university to find dd happily playing with my 24 carot (asian gold) anklet, (alongside other toy necklaces and toy bits in a bag) which was a wedding present from my sister in law.

It was squashed badly out of shape and most of the stones had fallen out. I had left it on the coffee table the night before.

It was my fault.

When she wasn't looking, I took it and hid it.

DH got a telling off for not being attentive.

We all had dinner and forgot about it.

[valiumredhead]

Oh I know mrs D but to wrap it up for Christmas is just horrible imo and completely unnecessary.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

I get that it would be annoying, but I worry you seem to want to 'stamp out' her natural fiddliness which can only end in an upset child :(

I had a mother who took everything very personally & was very cruel with punishments, never letting anything go, making me feel humiliated & constantly wrong footed. She over stretched her finances doing different classes for us & I was always supposed to be grateful about it, & any breakages or accidents were met with unsuppressed fury as they were so over stretched financially I guess they were terrible.

I spent years in a constant state of anxiety & have an incredibly bad relationship with her now.

I've got no idea about your situation but I'd hate to think of you inadvertently setting up the same dynamic.

[GhostShip]

^It's not fucking cruelty.
Do you know what actual cruelty is?
Doesn't seem like you do^

Cruelty comes in different forms. This is cruel.

[Floralnomad]

I think the way it's been presented here by the OP it could be seen as a kind of emotional abuse.

[nannyl]

if you thought you might want it for christmas why dont YOU just have it

seems a massive over reaction to make a big issue about it, especially on Christmas day

I suggest you dont leave things lieing around in future

[quirrelquarrel]

Cruelty involves a total lack of empathy or the absence of any sort of positive or warm emotion towards the victim.....OP's daughter is not a victim and the OP is clearly not doing this for herself, more for her daughter's education. I did say upthread it's not good idea at all. But when people start flinging around words like "cruel" (and putting them in bold to make an impact- jeez) I just wonder- when do words just become words, instead of really having meaning. Also when the OP is looking for opinions and isn't sure about what to do, very very harsh criticism like this is totally undeserved.

[HeadfirstForAMistletoeKiss]

I've hot 3 dc with ASD and I never find anything where I put it, things get lost, broken and wasted and it drives me potty. Sometimes it builds up and I overreact, so I understand where OP is coming from.

I think if the spatula is unreturnable, she should get extra chores to pay it off, explain calmly and clearly why.

The Christmas thing I think is (unintentionally) cruel.

[HeadfirstForAMistletoeKiss]

I still shudder when I think of the day I'd had a load of Avon stuff arrive, it was the first "nice" stuff I'd bought myself in years (bubble baths, lotions, face cream, shampoo, conditioner etc), and I caught dd2 emptying the very last bottle down the sink, watching it glug down in fascination.

I had to bite my lip and go and hide in the bedroom for a long time before the red mist cleared

[HeadfirstForAMistletoeKiss]

• I say "nice" but I'm normally a supermarkets own kind of person

[YouCanBe]

Hmm, quirrel, I do still think the plan was cruel, to give the item for Christmas.
It isn't on a par with, er, Pinochet or anything. I wasn't suggesting it was.

But, still a bit cruel, and unnecessary.

[LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops]

I nearly didn't comment on this thread as it is a complete over reaction to a spatula that was in a bag and now isn't.
But seeing the title again about giving it to your daughter for Christmas...really, are you serious? You would do it to teach her a lesson two weeks after the event and create a scene on Christmas Day - words absolutely fail me. Your poor DD.

[SarahStratton]

Weird thread.

Really, really weird thread.

Do people really and truly do this sort of thing?

[Mimstar]

Poor kid. Please don't wrap it up for christmas, the thought of a little girl all excited to open a present on christmas morning and then realising it was a punishment is so sad please don't.

[Rudolphstolemycarrots]

If you can't return it how about she does some jobs to make up the 5 pounds cost.

[pingu2209]

Do you have PMT

[quirrelquarrel]

Oh Mimstar when you put it like that.
Tugs at your heartstrings.

[CaliforniaSucksSnowballs]

OP I think our Dd's were separated at birth! Mine is nearly 8 (new year) and I'm ready to do something like you suggest in the first post. But after thinking about it I don't think she would really understand it. I know my Dd is full of good intentions and still she fiddles, she pulls and presses and breaks things, and opens things that aren't hers and is a general meddler, it's like she intentionally breaks them, then gets upset it's broken

[LucieMay]

Jesus Christ talk about milking it! Why prolong her punishment over weeks? There is an oddly cruel element to such a premeditated punishment. Can't you just get her some sort of gadget or fiddle toy to keep her hands occupied? I have one for when I quit smoking. Just let it go already and move on. If ds broke something of that value I would tell him off there and then and just let it go. I wouldn't spend weeks mulling it over and then surprise a punishment on him a few weeks down the line!

[StuntGirl]

What a total over reaction...from other posters!

I agree giving it to her on Christmas Day isn't a good idea, punishments need to be given close to the time of the incident. Even an 8 year old will struggle to compute this incident and a random Christmas present 2 weeks later.

If the company doesn't take it back and if she admits it was her I would however make her pay for the item, either by docking pocket money or getting her to do extra chores. And it would go alongside a(nother) talk about respecting other people's property. And perhaps looking into something to distract her attention from constant fiddling.

But it's hardly fucking abusive to want your children not to touch things that aren't theirs