To have sent DH and 2 day old DD to the hospital....alone!

[Mummyof3tobe]

At our hospital if you have same day discharge after birth you go back 2 days later for basic baby check up. Fair enough in terms of efficient use of NHS resources. But as mum of a 2 day old with stitches, sore and milk coming in I didn't relish the outing.

Then it occurred to me this is BABY check up. They don't need see me. DH can take her. Hospital is 5 mins away, I fed her before they left, worst case of a severe delay DH would have to abandon it and bring her home.

When he arrived midwives kept asking if they should "wait for mum" and in the end called me (interrupting valuable rest time) to confirm they could go ahead and do hearing test on DD. Needed my consent!

Now I understand policy, can't be too careful, just doing job. But if random man had abducted a newborn, complete with red book, would he take her to baby check at hospital??? AIBU to be a little outraged on very capable DHs behalf?

The new baby check up is usually done by a paed so the mum or dad can take them. DH took DS3 on the school run at 2 days old because DS1 wanted to show him off to his school friends (out for about 20 mins). Our car doesn't have room for 3 car seats in the back so I had to stay at home with DS2. I came to hospital appointments though because they usually involved the nurse saying "the dr will be with you shortly" and then still waiting 4 hours later.

DH has taken DS3 to the dr on his own and not had a problem. On the other hand I have taken DS2 to appointments on my own at the hospital and they ask where DH is. He has SN and at that point he had appointments every day. I got fed up of explaining that if DH took time off work to come to every appointment he would lose his job. And no, I don't have anyone to look after DS1 for several hours every day either.

I too find the suggestion that any mother who is prepared to be parted from her pfb for an hour or so in the early days very offensive!

I had a hard birth and DH did most of the care for our DS for the first few days. When I felt a bit more human I took myself off to the supermarket for an hour alone, and it felt amazing to be out of the house getting some space and feeling a bit normal again. This has no bearing on my relationship with my DS or my mental health thank you very much!

OP YANBU, seems very sensible to me. But I wouldn't get too het up about them calling you, they probably just wanted to check you were ok and not bedbound!

Congratulation on your new baby!

I'm also quite shocked at the treatment some of the dads have had! MY DH will be the SAHP soon, so it'll be interesting to see how he gets treated.

I'm completely shocked that some posters on here wouldn't let their own partners take their own children for the check up!! Am also shocked that the hospital os making the OP go to them 2 days after birth, I thought it was the norm for them to come to you as they did with all 3 of mine.
Fair enough I suppose if it's your PFB but after that it's a bit precious and I know that my DH would have been really upset if I hadn't let him take DD2 out for an hour or 2.
YANBU OP, at all.

Sorry haven't read whole thread. I used to do the baby check clinic as a junior Dr. Was fairly common for Dads to bring babies. We didn't call the Mother unless there was a question they couldn't answer.

Mum should be getting her own checks done by midwives coming to the house. Two completely separate things IME anyway.

I've found the implication that a mother should want to spend every second of everyday with her newborn quite damaging, I've always needed to have time to myself, I start feeling quite anxious and irritable if I have to be around people all the time. Having children hasn't changed this, there is nothing wrong with me or my ability to bind with my children it's just the way I am. People banging on about it being odd to want the odd hour to myself just make me feel shit about doing so.

Not antenatal appointments but my dh and taken my two to their two most recent doctors' appointments and also a casualty visit. They are 1 and 3 and u had taken a lot of time off work for various appointment since they have been born so think its only fair he takes his turn. Mil had also taken them for vaccinations with a letter of consent. Never been a problem and no PND suggestions here, in act I think it shows that I have a lot if hands in family support so they are less likely to worry about me iyswim.

Apologies for typing, has and I've not and and u.

Thanks Geraldine - yes you're right I understood why the baby has to be naked to be weighed just not why my perfectly competent husband couldn't do it.

The idea that women who can bear to be parted from their babies for a couple of hours are somehow abnormal is utterly bafflingly. Having been pregnant for the best part of 10 months and given birth having a few minutes off from being responsible for another person seems perfectly reasonable to me.

Obsessively hogging the baby doesn't make anyone a better mother.

I don't quite understand this separation thing either - yes, I felt shaky leaving my 6 month old with a baby sitter, but he'd been out and about with his dad (or I'd been out and about while he was home with his dad) from days old. He's with his DAD for gods sake.

People are weird about this stuff - I always got questioned about going to maternity appointments alone (didn't need DP's help to pee on a stick and be prodded), the health visitor was a bit askance at DP taking him for his 1 year check, but they really need to just come into the 21st century. Nothing about me being female makes me need to be primary carer for my DS, or DP (as a male) being able to do everything but birth him and lactate!

Am also shocked that the hospital os making the OP go to them 2 days after birth, I thought it was the norm for them to come to you as they did with all 3 of mine.

With first homebirth that was true - for all but the hearing test four days after birth - where we had to repeatedly explain that we couldn't go back to the ward and wait as we weren't on a ward.

With second HB different area - they insisted we go in next day for baby check. We waited round hours and had one of the most cursory checks ever. Completely wiped me out - I do wish I just sent DH and baby but it did take hours for us to be seen for less than five minutes so she?d have wanted a feed.

We still had to go in few days later for the hearing test.

When Ds was injured and I had to go to A and E - I stopped home with other distressed DC till relative could get here. A and E staff kept asking DH where I was ? we are married he has full PR and is a hands on father so DC just as likely to want him as me.

Despite DS being with DH father at the time of the accident because I was somewhere else in house a nurse took it upon herself to tell me it was my fault .

sugarplum presumably it was your fault because you are the Mum?? That is mad...
I only HB'd my third so everything was done at home, my first 2 were in hospital but midwives the GP still came out to us after discharge. It must vary over the PCT's.

Surely it can't be that unusual not to want to go out unnecessarily2 days after birth? . Even after a fairly straighttforward birth you're going to be tired and sore. If they needed to see you, they should have made that clear -- and indeed done a home visit instead of expecting you to come out to them.

What if you'd gone on your own without DH, would they have decided he wasn't 'bonding' properly with his new child? Or do fathers not count?

Presumably Jingleflobba- it was made very clear by DH and DS that DH was with him at time of accident.

Had a friend have similar except her DC was at their school at time of accident ? again very clear as the DC was taken in by the school and the parents went straight there.

Stupid thing was we both knew the comments were rubbish - but they still upset us .

Can I just clear up w point, a newborn check and hearing screen can't be done at home - unless you have a midwife who has done the masters module in newborn checks and a mobile hearing screening team.

Neither checks can be done in the first few hours after birth. The fetal circulation isn't completely adjusted in some cases, and newborns have soggy ears.

So for those taking 2-6 H.R. (maybe more if your neonatal team is part of a busy set up) dischages , a return trip is often needed.

I'd have no comment on anyone staying home and sending the baby with dad, as long as he had id. I would ring though, I'd have a responsibility to make sure you weren't unwell, trapped by abusive family or partner, or actually didn't want the screening but baby's father disagreed. That would be a basic duty of care.

Congratulations!

I'm assuming this appt was the baby's full paed check, not the midwifery baby check. The one that tests for stable hips, red reflex and so on.

Yanbu. If you are feeling unwell from the birth then it is entirely reasonable for you to want to stay in bed.

i am more at the 'how could you leave a 2 day old' brigade suggesting you must have pnd because you allowed your dh to have his child away from you for more than a nano, christ it was for an hour, for a nessassary app, doesnt mean the op has pnd because she didnt want to go far more sensible of her to want to rest imho

stupid answers like that would annoy me more

Tacky that is ridiculous. Your job is to check baby's hearing and the suggestion you should check whether the mother is being abused because she isn't there is absurd and massively overstepping your remit.

So what if the mother doesn't consent? Nobody bothers to check if fathers with PR consent to they? It's parental consent not maternal and men can have parental responsibility too!

Can I just clear up w point, a newborn check and hearing screen can't be done at home - unless you have a midwife who has done the masters module in newborn checks and a mobile hearing screening team

With first HB we had a GP who had some special kind of training to enable them to do the new born checks who came out to our home and did a through check- still had to go to hopistal for hearing check.

Second HB - hopistal checks we had to go in for were not very though at all- but supposed to be same thing not sure the doctor knew what he was supposed to looking at.

Well, mum's kind of get to rule that roost I guess.
Baby checks really need to done at least about 6 hours, because of the fetal circulation. Otherwise you get a tonne of false positive heart murmurs.

I guess the hearing screen is done early to get it all sorted to try help. Seems logical to me. Op could easily have asked to have it done later in year for convenience, but obviously the paed check is probably better sooner rather that later.

I'd say that was all fairly reasonable?

Also, hard as it is to imagine, every hcp has found women who are only allowed out for certain reasons, not allowed a say in their health care or their childrens. I'd have made that call at 4am. If that makes me unreasonable and I have threads about me, so be it. I might offer one women a lifeline.

But, I personally have mixed nearly all my children's medical appointments. Mostly because I'm offering medical care to other people's babies. Irony. So of course the op should do this, if she is happy to.

I'll have to show this thread to dh to let him know what he is letting himself in for. He will be a sahd from January and will be taking ds to his 2 year check up and it will most likely be dh who takes ds for his next set of vaccinations too. I won't be impressed if I keep getting calls while I'm in work to check I've allowed dh to take his own son for medical appointments.

I seem to remember sitting there like a spare part while the paed did all of ds's newborn checks. I don't see why it matters if it's mum or dad there.

I don't see what it matters if a mum doesn't want a screening but dad does. Since when does mum have the final say .

No, I'm a midwife. I wouldn't dohearing or paed checks.
My job is absolutely to check maternal wellbeing. If any co worker mentions anything that bothers them then I need to make a judgement call. I have no problem with the responsibility of being considers wrong or right.

Hearing screeners do the babies, and paeds do the newborn checks.

Having gps and midwives who are trained in these is excellent, if you have that locally that is good. We don't as we are perhaps too thin on the ground? Not sure absolute reasons.

Am absolutely sure I don't have personal time to undertake a masters module in newborn screening though.

Why don't they just let people know in advance if they require both parents to be present?