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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent DH and 2 day old DD to the hospital....alone!

124 replies

Mummyof3tobe · 05/12/2012 21:56

At our hospital if you have same day discharge after birth you go back 2 days later for basic baby check up. Fair enough in terms of efficient use of NHS resources. But as mum of a 2 day old with stitches, sore and milk coming in I didn't relish the outing.

Then it occurred to me this is BABY check up. They don't need see me. DH can take her. Hospital is 5 mins away, I fed her before they left, worst case of a severe delay DH would have to abandon it and bring her home.

When he arrived midwives kept asking if they should "wait for mum" and in the end called me (interrupting valuable rest time) to confirm they could go ahead and do hearing test on DD. Needed my consent!

Now I understand policy, can't be too careful, just doing job. But if random man had abducted a newborn, complete with red book, would he take her to baby check at hospital??? AIBU to be a little outraged on very capable DHs behalf?

OP posts:
bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 05/12/2012 22:17

A woman's husband is the legal father of a baby she has, whether or not its bus biological child.

So if your wife is carrying another mans child you get PR? what if the OM is then on the birth certificate?

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 05/12/2012 22:18

In our area the hearing test was 2 weeks after birth.

I don't think you were Unreasonable to not go, but I can see their point to.

piprabbit · 05/12/2012 22:20

I would not be impressed with a hospital policy that involved schlepping through the snow (lots of accidents and traffic delays today!) to the next town for a check up 2 days post-partum. Surely that's when your community MW comes to your home to see how you are both doing. Either the hearing test should happen before discharge, or it can wait for a few more days.

I think you made a reasonable decision, but don't be cross with the MWs for wanting to check you are OK too.

PeazlyPops · 05/12/2012 22:21

Well you would name the bio father on the birth certificate when you registered, I presume.

I'm not sure how it would work in that situation, it was something I had to look into with the HFEA when considering using donor sperm. We got married to ensure he'd be the legal father, although he could have just signed a parental responsibility agreement ( I think it's called).

RayanneGraff · 05/12/2012 22:22

Surely it is a mum and baby check though? Unless I'm thinking of something different. Was it just a hearing test alone?

My post natal notes had different sections for the wellbeing of the mother and baby- midwives always asked lots about me as well as baby.

nickelbabylyinginamanger · 05/12/2012 22:22

I'm shocked that they make you go to them.
i personally would refuse and tell them either they come to me at 2 days post part when I'm the one that can't jeffing walk or it doesn't happen.

RayanneGraff · 05/12/2012 22:24

But YANBU for not wanting to go- they should come to you!

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 05/12/2012 22:31

PeazlyPops

Its a weird one and I don't know. Its because this baby probably is not registered yet that I am questioning whether he would have PR. So the baby really could be anyones.

Also what if a woman has a baby with her dp but is not yet officially divorced from her stbxh. Would the STBXH get PR?

In the case of a sperm donor it would be different as there is no biological 'father' to name, iyswim?

SrirachaGirl · 05/12/2012 22:35

All my kids were born in January and I had to schlepp them to post-natal check-ups at two days in snowstorms (as do all moms here after uncomplicated births). Weren't you worried that they would think that you'd gone crackers that something was wrong? Nobody relishes the outing...you just get on with it.

blackeyedsusan · 05/12/2012 22:35

actaully, I remember when we took ds to a and e at 2 days old (day after discharge) I was politely declining the offer of a hard plastic seat... severe undercarriage damage, so can understand not wanting to endure the visit.

sarahtigh · 05/12/2012 22:37

if you are married the husband is considered father and has PR from moment of birth, if married registering birth is irrelevant in terms of PR if you are not married it is very important that if father has PR that he is on birth certificate

PurpleTinsel · 05/12/2012 22:40

Perhaps they normally check the mum's health etc too, at the same appointment?

Although I'm a bit surprised at this going back to the hospital policy. I thought that it was normal practice for a community midwife to visit mum and baby at home.

And as far as parental responsibility is concerned, the registry office told me over the phone that DH could register DS's birth without me there, because as we're married, there's a legal presumption that he's the father. So I'd expect husbands to have automatic parental responsibilities regardless of whether baby's registered yet or not.

TwitchyTail · 05/12/2012 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McChristmasPants2012 · 05/12/2012 22:44

I couldn't leave my DC at 2 days old, but that's me.

Yanbu to send DH if that's what you and DH decided, around here all check ups are done before the baby is discharged. I just wish all hospitals would run the same.

TerraNotSoFirma · 05/12/2012 22:45

That's odd, I got discharged 6hrs after having DD, unable to have the hearing check done but they said bring her back in two days time.
DH took her, no problems.

But when he took her for vaccinations they wouldn't do it without speaking to me first. We were both pissed off with that.

PetiteRaleuse · 05/12/2012 22:49

Yanbu. And I'm not sure at such an early stage they would look out for PND. All mums can be expected to be teary and hormones all over the place two days in. Flagging up pnd at that stage could cause more harm than good.

Fwiw I would have been happy to let DH take one of mine in on his own. Any opportunity for a short rest is good, and as your baby was fed, and you didn't have any particular concerns or questions I don't see an issue.

edam · 05/12/2012 22:51

I think they wanted to check you were OK. Which is a good thing and entirely right and proper. Of course fathers are important but as you are the one who has just given birth, the midwives are quite rightly concerned about your mental and physical health.

Original poster
Mummyof3tobe · 05/12/2012 22:52

Interesting range of replies.

She's baby 3 and DH is an amazing dad so I was quite happy she'd be safe in his care for the 45-60 mins they were gone. I was enjoying much needed peace. It is hours like that that will hopefully mean I don't suffer PND.

Midwife visited me at home on day 1 and coming back on Fri. It was made quite clear that this was only to check baby - hips, cord, eyes, hearing, etc.

In fact DH ended up doing baby 2's check too. We had to go back on day 1. I went. There was a delay due to emergencies in the unit. After sitting on those hard plastic chairs for 2 hours with nothing to eat or drink I was about to collapse. Fed baby and called my dad to come and take me home. It was awful. This is a big downside of same day discharge where we are.

We haven't registered birth yet so I think it is fair enough to want to confirm who this man is, but he did arrive with her red book to a pre-agreed appointment time booked during labour discharge! Not sure who else he'd be.

DH did say that they wouldn't have any proof I was the mother until birth registered either. But I pointed our there were two lovely midwives who witnessed her emerge from me! Anyway he wasn't too cross but I felt he wouldn't have BU to have been.

OP posts:
CelineMcBean · 05/12/2012 22:53

My dh has this with dc1 at the newborn hearing test. It was just a hearing test in our case - not a midwife check or anything at all (I know this because I took dc2 for hers). They rang me to get consent because he wasn't the baby's mother. Now I've read that consent form and it is parental consent not maternal consent, ie no uterus required.

YANBU op, it is ridiculous and discriminatory and does nothing to help over turn the idea that caring is a woman's job. It will be interesting to see if things change when fully shared leave comes in. Judging by the signing in form at the baby clinic this week (baby's name, baby's dob, mother's name and dob, GP surgery, 8 week/8 month check Y/N) the idea has not filtered through even though fathers can take additional paternity leave from when the baby is 20 weeks old now...

GeraldineH · 05/12/2012 22:59

My surgery wouldn't give DD a vaccine because DH took her instead of me, I was really pissed off.
We are married, all have the same name and address, all registered with the same doctor and the nurse in question sees us all for asthma reviews so knows we are a family and that DH is her father with parental rights. Apparently this counts for nothing though and a Dad can't get his own child vaccinated.

Makes me wonder how the hell my single father coped in the 80s with three small children to take care of.

edam · 05/12/2012 22:59

Celine - even when shared parental leave comes in, I believe women will still have to take the first two weeks (for physical recovery from childbirth) so midwives would expect it to be the mother who attends the earliest checks. Some couples may be happy for the father to attend those checks on his own, of course, but it's unusual.

CelineMcBean · 05/12/2012 23:05

Yes that's true about the 2 weeks Edam but my point was that anything just baby related, which a father is perfectly capable of doing, will probably still be considered "mum's job". Probably by the same people who address me as "mum" instead of my name. I disagree that HCPs should expect the mother because fathers (if employees) get the first two weeks too.

Transporting a baby for a hearing test does not require the mother. Round my way they do it in the hospital before the baby leaves (6 hour discharges if all well) but if baby born at home the appointment can take a while to come through.

TheWalkingDead · 05/12/2012 23:06

As you said, it was a baby check. He is your DH so has PR, so it shouldn't be a problem, especially if a MW is coming to see you tomorrow.

Fwiw, I was readmitted a day after discharge from a c-section with DS1 due to fear of infection (turned out to be an over enthusiastic community MW who thought that I was at risk due to a 'fever' as my temp was 37.2C). I was so tired and stressed that I sent DS1 home with DH as there was nothing wrong with him. A couple of MWs raised their eyebrows, but it seems crazy to put yourself under a lot of stress when there is a perfectly capable father to care for a baby as well. Put your feet up, OP and congratulations!

McChristmasPants2012 · 05/12/2012 23:07

I can't belive ( in a shocked way) that fathers are being treated like this.

Knowing DH if he ever encounted this he would have told them it is sex discrimination and his legal right to take his children for appointments.....,. Or doesn't pr mean anything.

timeforachangebaby · 05/12/2012 23:10

First thing my DH does with our BF, AP, babies, is drive across the border to take them to his homeland - without me :)

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