To have sent DH and 2 day old DD to the hospital....alone!

[Mummyof3tobe]

At our hospital if you have same day discharge after birth you go back 2 days later for basic baby check up. Fair enough in terms of efficient use of NHS resources. But as mum of a 2 day old with stitches, sore and milk coming in I didn't relish the outing.

Then it occurred to me this is BABY check up. They don't need see me. DH can take her. Hospital is 5 mins away, I fed her before they left, worst case of a severe delay DH would have to abandon it and bring her home.

When he arrived midwives kept asking if they should "wait for mum" and in the end called me (interrupting valuable rest time) to confirm they could go ahead and do hearing test on DD. Needed my consent!

Now I understand policy, can't be too careful, just doing job. But if random man had abducted a newborn, complete with red book, would he take her to baby check at hospital??? AIBU to be a little outraged on very capable DHs behalf?

You're right McChristmas I don't think that PR really means much at our GP surgery, not when it is paternal PR anyway!

It really drove me bonkers with dc1 that everytime a hcp came round (HV, MW, midwifery assistants) after the birth they would not only insist on getting me out of bed but they would then insist I undressed the baby to be weighed, they addressed all questions about feeding and nappies just to me (I didn't change a baby's nappy until dc1 was 2 weeks old because dh did them all while I tried to do the breastfeeding part of mixed feeding), pulled concerned faces about who would help me look after the baby (erm, that bloke who answered the door holding the baby?!), and where my mother was and how often she would be round to help (250 miles away and she'd not be moving in to help because she has a full time job - heck she has a career! and dh is perfectly capable!).

It drove me batty but I was too knackered to do anything. Dc2 nobody pulled that shit at all. Both of us were addressed as equal parents. Thank goodness because I am clearly still riled by the memory of the sexism encountered first time round

I don't want to throw the thread off, but what if there was no mother.

It could be 2 men who has adopted a baby or mother lost custody ect

That is pretty rough on your DH. I can see both sides, they are quite 'on it' regarding spotting signs of PND etc, but what a kick in the teeth for your DH.

I couldn't be away from DD at 2 days old, mainly because a) I'm a lone parent b) I had a bit of a traumatic time and c) She's my first and only if I were to have more babies, I'd be more relaxed

You made one mistake by just sending him. When I was 3 days PP and couldn't face the car, dh rang up to ask if he could take ds in. Because they wanted to see me as well they came to the house.

And of course it's not an automatic not bonding problem. Letting ds go somewhere with his father when I couldn't sit on a stationary seat was just a matter of priorities.

I'm surprised that you had an appointment at the hospital so soon after birth. I thought the midwife was supposed to do a home visit, maybe it's not the same in every area?

I would say that it's a check up for both of you. Plus, my midwives checked that my uterus was...er....deflating..?...every day after wards for about 5 days.

It's important that the baby is fully undressed when they're so small Celine, as their weight gain/loss is harder to see if they're clothed and wearing a nappy. A nappy could add a lot if it's full, thus giving a wrong reading.
But totally agree about the mother thing. My mum still has 4 kids at home, lives 400 miles away. No, she cannot just come and help. Grrr.

Celine isn't complaining that baby had to be indressed to be weighed, I'm sure she understands why. She is annoyed that it had to be her that did it rather than her DH and that they only address questions to her when there are two parents in the room.

We also had a hospital appointment for 2 days after the birth, don't think there is anything unusual about that.
It was for the hearing check and was in the ear, nose & throat clinic at the hospital, nothing to do with the midwives or my womb at all. There would be no reason at all for me to go rather than DH.

The midwives did their own visits, I had a next day visit both times, they checked baby for jaundice and feeding etc and checked me over too.

indressed? ahem... undressed!

I was in the same boat and dh took ds for a lot of baby related things - why wouldn't he after all he is ds's parent as well?

McChristmas - exactly? Or what if the mother had died in childbirth?

I think it is an appalling level of discrimination. If it were turned round and women were not being allowed to agree to things for their children without their father's permission then there would be outrage.
It still promotes the 'childcare and rearing is a women's job' which is detrimental to us all.

Well how can you bear to be apart from your two day old? I had terrible stitches, blood loss etc etc and there's no way I'd have let them out of my sight.

Are you ok?

It's perfectly ok to let the father of your child take on some of the responsibility while you get some much needed rest - it's not like the OP was swanning off to Ibiza for a week, it was an or so at a GP's appt

my dd1 was born before dh and I were married so had a different surname to me. I had to provide proof she was my child before getting her vaccinated - i took a birth certificate. I wasnt insulted or upset.

Its not just men its just double checking.

hour or so

To imply that there is something wrong with the OP because she is happy to let her dh take over for less than an hour is outrageous iggly

If they're doing a health check on Mum and baby they should say so though ?
Not just assume Mum will be there too ?
They should think through their policies I feel, but probably is sensible to make sure mother is OK too (and give you a call)

Maybe valium but that was my initial thought.

And we were told with both that it was a mum and baby check.

They came to us though.

Why should the OP not let her DH take the baby to checks Iggy. I love my children dearly and did not have any PND or even baby blues after they were born but I was perfectly happy to leave them with DH or with grandparents, uncles, aunts etc for a time. Just because a mother does this does not mean that she is either lacking in affection for her children, has not bonded with them or is suffering from PND.

DH did get funny looks when he attended these appointments with our children. Not often because he worked crazy hours but he did what he could. He was often asked if he should wait for me or call me to check, he refused each time stating that he was the Father and perfectly capable. He did not do any vaccination appointments though, so I don't know if they would have contacted me for my authority, had they done so I would have just said ask the parent on scene.

As one poster upthread said I hated being referred to as 'mum', DH as 'dad' and the dcs as 'baby'. Whenever anybody did that I would always say my name is willstanton not mum or dh is mr willstanton not dad etc.

Blimey Iggly. You see I am more inclined to think that mothers who can't be separated from their child are the ones who have the issues. Horrible to suggest that the OP is somehow not functioning correctly as a mother because she was happy for the baby's father to take it out for an hour.

I am quite surprised that it's thought odd for mother to be apart from a new born - when do people who think that think it's appropriate? DW was almost as likely as me to pop to the shops or other short errands from the beginning - and far from "mother and baby" bonding that is being missed by a short break, it's "father and baby" bonding that's being missed isn't it?

No t quite the same, but this reminded me of when toddler DS broke his leg, and DH took him off to hospital for X-ray while I stayed at home to put the other one to bed.

He got given the third degree about it: was it his child, where was The Mother, was there a reason I hadn't been competent to drive there, did he usually have to Take Over Care...

Similar experience with toddler DD (broken arm, two years later) suggests that they don't routinely question where The Father is if a mother takes the child to hospital.

Presumably the midwives can check on Mum's welfare when they do the home visits, so this was just about the baby. I am with you OP. Everything seems to be set up so that looking after a baby is primarily a woman's job from the start. I have never understood this.

I was happy to leave DS with DH right from the start. I had a horse to look after, and there was no way I was going to drag a newborn out to sit in the cold for an hour every day when he could stay at home, nice and warm with his Dad. I bonded with him fine, I just never felt like I was the only parent that mattered.

I recall a couple of years ago someone I work with had a baby. She was very ill after the birth, in intensive care. The baby was perfectly healthy. The Dad asked to take the child home overnight after a couple of days, but was refused. The child had to stay in SCBU, rather than being looked after by her Dad. The plan had always been to bottle feed, so it wasn't a feeding issue. I was fuming on his behalf.

My dp took my dd3 to a&e 2 weeks ago as I needed to stay with my big kids and he was asked 'does xxxxs mum know you're here?' Dp said he felt like that even though he has full pr as he is named on the birth cert that he had no right to take her to hospital.

I'm at some of the tales on here. It's referred to in Rebecca Asher's Shattered but I had no idea it was so widespread.

It's a feminist issue as well as a men's issue in my view - society should be accepting that men are parents for heaven's sake! By refusing to allow them to present a child for medical treatment it is saying only women can /should be a carer...