To think it's IMPOSSIBLE to make friends in some towns...

[IncaAztec]

I moved here last year with DC1. Everyone has lived here since the year dot. Its very hard to meet anyone, let alone anyone who wants to go on a playdate/be friends. I won't name the town but I think my experience seems to be common in small provincial ones with few incomers.

I have tried to make friends but am foiled at every turn. An example: At a baby group (dull, but an example), I offered another Mum I had met and chatted to before my seat as she is very heavily upduffed. She took it and went off to talk with her friend, leaving me alone. Not even a Hi!

People are borderline rude at nearly all the playgroups. I go for my DC's sake these days. Anyone else in the same boat or want to name and shame their unfriendly, cliquey, rubbish town?

See, Duchess, I'd put my foot in it by telling her that she needed to get out more.

I've got no tolerance for that nonsense at all.
There's several places that I think of as home, because I've lived there for long enough. A frenemy who has only ever lived in one depressing Lancashire town mocks this: "Oh, such-and-such a place is now on your list of "homes" then, now?" as if it's some kind of fey fad.
I had to pull her up and explain that I'd lived in more places than fucking Leyland in my life, and that you aren't a tourist....you actually put down roots.

Pleased to hear I am not alone and want to be resident of MN town. Have taken to keeping a tally of everytime I speak with anyone in this town (north Staffs).
Will be a very low number I reckon.
By the way, am not weird or deliberatly under or over chatty either. I just cant stand the borderline rudeness of the vague nod (if lucky) and then ignore.
My mate had the same problem in a town called brandon (ipswich way) so with her permission, am going to name and shame here.

icclebabyjesusheave I love your guide to Cumbria. I will never go back.

The small town I live in in West Cornwall is the friendliest place I have ever lived. You would think it a prime candidate for the sort of shit described here but I love it.

I wonder why all this happens? It's as though some people regard those who want to make friends as weak in some way, and therefore they assume the upper hand? It's like a power thing.

Stems from their own crappy insecurity I reckon.

The thing is, these people who aren't friendly have no idea, as they would never have dreamed of moving away from their roots in the first place. They can't empathise, as they have no experience of being "the outsider".

The thing is, these people who aren't friendly have no idea, as they would never have dreamed of moving away from their roots in the first place. They can't empathise, as they have no experience of being "the outsider".

Oops! Apologies for double post!

small towns are awful. What you need is a continuous flow of new people like in a city or university town. Then there are always people needing to make new friends. I can think of some small towns esp round the NW Leics area which are truly like Royson Vasey. It's miles healthier for the gene pool too

I discussed this with a mental health support worker. She said that, since everyone grew up here and is vaguely related to everyone else (exaggeration, but there is a "local face"!), it puts tremendous pressure on everybody to conform. When they suffer, they suffer in silence :( It is, according to her, a fear-based society. Pressure to conform is so intense that locals might risk 'shame' if they admit a stranger, who doesn't know all the unspoken rules.

The area runs on dodgy deals and backhanders - the council appears astonishingly corrupt - so there's probably a very real basis for the fear/shame dynamic. Historically, the region was cut off from the rest of the country by floods for six to eight months of the year. I imagine that led to a sort of inward-looking self governance.

It's very pretty, but I wish I could afford to get back to the smoke!

TackyChristmastreedelivery I'm sure you're lovely :)

Not sure if it's a North Yorks thing specifically, just that particular town. They didn't even like people from neighbouring towns and villages. Or even local people who'd lived elsewhere for a while - they were considered to have got above themselves.

I live in a smallish town in Northern Ireland & am originally from the North of England. I have to say everyone here is very friendly - friendlier than I've found in big cities in the past.

It can be hard to go past the 'acquaintance' to 'friend' stage I think - everyone knows everyone else & is already in established friendship groups - usually from primary school. You just have to keep putting yourself out there til you find someone you click with.

I think the main part of it is finding people you actually have more things in common with, rather than just the fact (for example) that you both have a baby, or are both 'outsiders', if that makes sense.

I've been here 4 years now and have a couple of lovely friends, but its taken a long time to build the relationships beyond the superficial - that's life though!

"small towns are awful. What you need is a continuous flow of new people like in a city or university town. Then there are always people needing to make new friends. I can think of some small towns esp round the NW Leics area which are truly like Royson Vasey. "

I don't think small towns are necessarily awful, but I do agree about a flow of incomers. Where I live now could be a prime candidate for Royston Vasey status, but it isn't like that at all. I think because of the industrial history of the area there were influxes of new people every ten years or so as the mines and steel works expanded. So now, even if someone was born here, it's very unlikely that their parents or grandparents were.

Even in big cities you can end up in "small village mentality" communities. It's a bit like that in Walthamstow - it's actually called the Village, and centres around St Mary's church. I've only really made one actual friend among the local parents, though since all the furore over asbestos being found at the school blew up I've found myself getting on more "nodding acquaintance & chat" terms with the other parents who also kicked up a fuss - we're the troublemakers, most of whom already knew each other but seem to be gradually accepting me into the fringes of the group. DD3 has really taken to another girl in one of the other Y1 classes, so I've been chatting to her mum recently.

Having come from St Albans in Hertfordshire where you can live for 20 years and still be the newcomer, I'm used to seeing it from the side of being one of the locals. If I didn't already have a good circle of non-parenting-related friends already I would feel very isolated.

This such a sad thread to read really. I grew up in a small North Yorkshire village but escaped went to uni in Birmingham and never went back :D

I've since lived in Gloucester, Rugby, Banbury and now Cornwall. I found Banbury easy to make friends and I've found it easy here too. I was surprised here like Ariel says, as I thought it might be very "them and us".

CremeEggThief I think that is where a lot if it stems from. I haven't made many friends with the other school mums because the majority have lived here all their lives and already have their friends. The majority of my friends here are 'incomers'

OK some small towns are awful, but when I think of all of the small towns near me in the East Mids when I was growing up I would say about 70% of them were pretty awful. The ones that were OK had good geographical mobility. Many of them just stagnated with everyone being related to everyone else. Yuck.

and yes agree that in any community the incomers tend to make friends with other incomers. None of my friends bar one are local, however there is plenty of choice as it is a very mobile community

Arkady, I found that in Wimbledon, too. It was my nearest 'centre' for five years but I gave up on it. Luckily there's plenty of choice in London - not so in countryside towns. It is all about mobility, isn't it; both social and geographic.

I've moved a lot since having DCs - including NW Leics which was mentioned upthread and was as bad for me as it was for them - and have struggled to make any friends. Part of the problem is with me, I'm painfully shy so I just don't seem to be very good with small talk or putting myself across. I've lived in my current town in the southwest for three years and I honestly haven't got a single friend here. The usual routes in would be through the school or PTA but these seem to be closed sects with secret passwords. In some previous towns I've made friends through playgroups but now my children are at junior school or beyond, that avenue has closed. My eldest daughter is part of a group of eight girls at secondary school and she is the only one of that group who hasn't got a parent who also went to the same school. It's not that I've been deliberately shunned (I hope!), I just don't think people who have been best friends since primary school want an outsider joining them. It is soul destroying though, I would like nothing more than a drink and a gossip in a cafe - it's not the same on your own.

CremeEggThief which town are you talking about?

All I'll say is it's in County Durham, moonstorm. But, in my case, I have found people friendly, but only managed to make two friends that I confide in and have coffee with; I would love some company at night.

Someone else mentioned the divide between acquaintances and friends, which I think is a very valid point.

We lives in Newport Pagnell for 3 bloody years. I even gave birth to DS2 and tried mother and baby groups. Nothing could make anyone even acknowledge us. It was awful. Parents in the school playground would actively avoid eye contact and/or move away from me. I made loads of friends where I'd lived before - friends to hang out with, friend to share babysitting duties, friends who'd be emergency babysitters... So it can't just be me. DH had the same problem.

DS1 struggled to make friends too. He made 2 whole friends despite going to a 3 form primary school and a cubs pack in a slightly different bit of Newport Pagnell. He was bullied for not being English and the bloody teacher punished him for it.

I have never been so happy to leave a place.

We moved to Sheffield which is generally a pretty friendly place when dd1 was 9 months. It took me 3 years to make proper friends - I work nearly full time, so didn't meet anyone at baby groups, but couldn't make proper friends at work as I could never get to social occasions. So when I got pregnant with dd2 I made it my maternity leave project to make us some friends, starting with NCT. She's now 4 and at school and I finally feel we've reached the tipping point where I'd rather spend weekends with our local friends rather than heading back to visit old friends. I think it does help to be prepared to say 'yes' to any social opportunity which comes your way even if it's not really your thing - one tends to lead to another.

Ah, but social opportunities have to come your way... In some