To think it's IMPOSSIBLE to make friends in some towns...

[IncaAztec]

I moved here last year with DC1. Everyone has lived here since the year dot. Its very hard to meet anyone, let alone anyone who wants to go on a playdate/be friends. I won't name the town but I think my experience seems to be common in small provincial ones with few incomers.

I have tried to make friends but am foiled at every turn. An example: At a baby group (dull, but an example), I offered another Mum I had met and chatted to before my seat as she is very heavily upduffed. She took it and went off to talk with her friend, leaving me alone. Not even a Hi!

People are borderline rude at nearly all the playgroups. I go for my DC's sake these days. Anyone else in the same boat or want to name and shame their unfriendly, cliquey, rubbish town?

I find living in a village that is commutable from London great.

We are DFLers in the eyes of the locals, but there are so many of us we cannot be ignoree. We stick together, and obey the "rules", ie we buy things at the local shop, volunteer for community projects, go to the local pub, etc.

You have to give a bit, and get a lot.

Fact is though, wherever you go, nobody is waiting for you.

In one place I set up baby mornings at my house every Tuesday just to meet people. And I have joined lots of courses, invited the whol street for drinks once.

You have to FIGHT your way in, imo

a few years ago, I lived near Bakewell.

I got talking to an elderly lady in the doctors one day. She could tell I wasn't local and she said she wasn't either. She'd only lived there since she got married half a century or more ago!

She was telling me about this woman whose family had probably evolved from a pool of primordial soup under where the bakewell pudding shop now stands. Apparently, this woman was talking down to her and said "well, of course, I'm BAKEWELL"

To which the only acceptable response was "Oh? Tart or pudding?"

[respect]

Brightlingsea is like that, I went to school there but lived outside of it. Dp lived there until he was 21. Most of our peers from school who went to uni have finished uni and went straight back, moved into homes down the road from their parents and have settled down. Newbies to the town aren't really trusted and you need to put in a lot of pub time to get accepted if you're in you're twenties or younger! Bit boring really. Dp was never really accepted. I wasn't either. We buggered off to brighton instead ;)

I grew up in one of these local towns for local people - I was a 'local' so it was all right but it was still horrible because I was always 'x's granddaughtr, y's niece' all of that. I was very pleased to move away permanently.

I have also lived in a crappy village, hamlet really, full of miserable types, and I was considered a complete outsider and townie because I came from a (very small) town about 15 miles away. I hated every minute of the place. YARNSCOMBE - you can go to hell.

I now live in a city, which despite being a bit scummy is full of friendly, chatty people. I will never go back to living in a town or village again.

I have moved a lot and I completely agree that some places are SO much harder than others. Where I am now took probably a couple of months, when I lived in Devon I found it unbelievably difficult and actually didn't enjoy living there at all.

We live in a provincial town. I like the place but the people drive me mad.

There are 3 groups.

Outsiders: like me are from places in the South East or overseas who eventually find each other and all agree that the 'locals' are unfriendly so we all become instant friends and find we have lots in common and an interest outside the walls of the city.

Insider 'county set': who all went to local private schools and married someone they knew at school. They control all the property and business in the town and do favours for each other.

Inside 'working class': who all went to local comprehensive schools and married someone they knew at school. They all know people on the local council or local labour union and do favours for each other.

Everyone else with half an ounce of gumption and drive left years ago.

I live in a wealthy town outside London and its the friendliest place I think I've ever lived.

On the other hand a friend lived in a poorer small town in Wiltshire and found it very unfriendly, no one wanted to know when they discovered she hadn't gone to the local school. But then again she was treated as elderly by having a baby at 25 ish.

Much though I love, love, LOVE living here, despite the rain, Cumbria is very insular indeed. If you come here on holiday you will be given a very warm welcome. Tourism, after all, is very important to the economy and we enjoy your company in our many tea-rooms and National Trust properties. But deep down, we hate you.

We hate the way that you think that your North Face Jackets give you immunity from being hit by a car as you walk across the roads without looking. We hate the way that getting anywhere in the summer takes sodding ages and that unless we want to buy hiking boots, its pretty difficult to shop. We also hate the way you stop, suddenly, on the pavement to look at the same bloody mountain that was there the last time you came.

But don't take this personally, as most of all, we hate each other and regard the next town as an enemy, only finding common ground to unite together in our dislike of incommers. To help you avoid this thorny problem, here is a quick guide to living in Cumbria.

Where will I not be noticed too much as an incommer?

1. Carlisle.

Where can I live as an incommer, without being stared at in a menacing fashion?

1. Kendal
2. Keswick
3. Bowness
4. Ambleside
5. Brampton
6. Grange-over-Sands
7. Penrith (mostly)
8. Ulverston (well if you ask nicely)
9. Dalton-in-Furness (Well, it does have the most dangerous road in the UK leading to it)

10. Barrow-in-furness (so long as you avoid most of the town)

Where will I be viewed with distrust and be considered an outsider till the day I leave or die, whichever happens first?

Workington, Whitehaven, Maryport, Aspatria, Shap, Dalston, Appleby, Dent, Cleator Moor, Edenhall, Brough, Seascale, Egremont, Allonby, Cockermouth, Armathwaite, Haverigg, Wigton, Threkeld, Pardshaw, Orton, Millom, Silloth... Actually, just get an A-Z of Cumbria and pick a town.

Oh God, this thread is so funny and bloody tragic. I've lived all over the place, and was dead smug about how easy it was to fit in in places like Newcastle, Glasgow, and bits of South Wales. You just have to give a bit, make the effort, talk to people, right? No.
Tiny illustration - when I lived near Glasgow, other mums would often stop and offer us a lift down the hill to the school. Not people I knew that well, but recognised from the school gates or nursery. This was lovely as the hill was steep and more often than not it would be pissing down. More horizontally than down, really. Anyway. We moved to somewhere near the east coast. School was up a hill. One day a few months in a car stopped beside me near the bottom of the road and a school mum I recognised wound down her window and called out 'Do you want a lift up?' I gratefully went round to the passenger seat and she looked at me in astonishment and said 'No, not you - HER', pointing at her friend who'd been walking behind me.
I slunk away mortified as they drove off up the hill. I don't live there any more, but I bet the locals here would do the same thing. They know who you are and where you live the second you move in, but they have no need to fucking know you.

Reading these stories makes me feel grateful for what I have, in the village on the outskirts of a small city in the North East. Since moving here three years ago, I have two friends to go for coffee with (one every week or two. One every two to three weeks.); a neighbour I pop into every month or so on average; two or three mums/grandparents who give me lifts on the school run; and another two mums who don't really have time or space, but keep in touch via text.

But I am still lonely and it isn't enough... Sorry, I wish I could be truly grateful and I feel bad about it, because it's better than what a lot of people have. But for me, going through a marriage breakdown, it isn't enough. And I don't know what to do about it, as DS is happy in his school.

In terms of friendliness, I would say that Sheffield and Newcastle would top the polls.

CremeEgg - I don't know what to do either. DD is happy at school, the childminder's, activities. But I am so unhappy living here. The trouble is it's a small place. So if you summon up the courage the try something new, the same people will invariably be there.

Would be interesting to hear experiences from people who did make a move for this reason and how it worked out.

The MN local board where I live im empty apart from one post by me

I want friends, dammit! Can I come live in MNBorough? I'll bring naice wine...

I have lived in my road for 8 years. We are still referred to as "the people who live in Debbie's house".

I have stood at the school gate for 8 years. I have spoken to about 8 people in that time. I always get the darting eye look where they're peering over your shoulder for a "real" friend. One time someone invited me for coffee. I accepted in a pathetically eager fashion and then discovered she had omitted to mention it was a bloody Phoenix Cards thing and she must have been trawling round for some schmuck who hadn't already been nobbled.

I do not like this place.

I live in a very small place in South Yorkshire, the people here are very friendly, I was quite surprised by how welcoming they were when I first moved here. Before this, I lived in a medium sized town in North Yorkshire, and the locals were some of the most antisocial people I've ever met. Every single friend I met there was an incomer, I didn't know one local person I would describe as anything more than an acquaintance.

I think my own home town in the Midlands would be the same, people there really don't like new people - and still consider them to be new even when they've lived there for a decade or two.

The north Yorkshire thing seems to he a theme! wonder why?

Although I'm pretty comfortable with the fact that I'm antisocial and unpleasant

Ditto to, well, everyone! My DH is the local, so he's fine, but I am not even accepted by his friends and their partners. All his friends married girls they went to school with, moved into houses no more than a mile from where they grew up, visit their parents 3/4+ times a week and work locally. I am apparently considered very unreasonable for expecting DH to stay with my family alternative Christmases and they are all appalled that I have "pushed him" (his decision) into taking a job "miles away" (8 miles, 30 mins at rush hour in the car). I have one local friend, everyone else is an outsider. Cannot wait until we sell up and move somewhere nicer!

This is why I live in a cosmopolitan city - most people are incomers.
I lived in a tiny Welsh village for several years while growing up, and, bizarrely, we were reasonably well accepted. However, one incident sticks in my mind.....

Our playpark was overlooked by some houses, and, at the age of 12, maybe, I got into an altercation with another girl. This girl went to the other secondary school, and I had never really seen her before.....
Anyhoo, turns out she lived in one of the houses overlooking the park (which makes my never having noticed her before a bit odd, but never mind).
After we'd had our row and near-fight (which looking back seemed staged), her mother appeared over the hedge, screeching in Welsh.

A friend translated for me: "Well done, Gwennan (or similar). She's been a BITCH since she came here!"

I genuinely had no idea who these people were.....and I wasn't known for my bitchy nature. I think her silly bloody mother had some kind of chip on her shoulder....I had never even spoken to her before.

I've lived all over gradually moving from North to South. In a town in the midlands it took 5 years to make a good friends, then of course we had to move. People weren't unfriendly just slow at coming forward. This was highlighted when I moved as a neighbour pointed out that she liked me but thought she had lots more time to become friends

So now live in SE and was terrified that it would be even harder. It's been lovely. Mostly because lots of people have moved here from other places, and know how hard it can be.

That's it, Impty. Friends can become like replacement family.

At a party DD was invited to last year, the boy's grandmother said to me that I would never be accepted in our town until I had lived here 25 years . So 15 years to go then perhaps people will be a bit friendlier.

I'm glad it's not just me. We lived in a town in a suburban part of Leeds for 10 years ( maybe the same one as you kfs) and I only made 2 friends, both mothers of my daughter's friends and neither lived in the same town but a couple of miles away where all the kids went to school. I went to the same church for 7 years and when I turned up at the annual all churches carol singing concert I was asked which church I was from by the woman I had been sititing next to for the last 5 years !

6 months ago we moved to a village on the South Yorks/North Lincs border. My daughter quickly made friends with a girl a couple of doors down and I went to collect her one day and spent maybe 20 minutes chatting to her mum. When I saw the mum again a few days later at school she completley blanked me and has done so ever since. I work full time so don't really get the chance to speak to people in the playground. My childminder is the same age as me and whenever she mentions girls' nights out I say it would be lovely to go out but I don't really know anyone yet; there's never been an invitation to join in. People in the shops seem lovely and friendly and I've chatted to them quite a bit so I think people are generally nice but I just can't seem to find anyone to be "friends" with. I think it must be me.

I moved out of London back to my home town when I fell pregnant and have found it impossible to make friends and maintain friendships, it doesn't help that I work full-time. I've met a few mums who I thought I clicked with but I've only maintained contact with one of them who I now count as friend, otherwise no one is interested in being my friend, even though I have an amazing support network of close family around me I miss the escapism and companionship a decent friendship gives you. I feel extremely lonely sometimes...