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Original poster

Is it so bad to ask someone to take off their shoes in your home?

562 replies

BlueVernis · 05/12/2012 11:58

As huge row has broken out between my sister inlaw (SIL) and myself, after I asked her to take of her shoes when she came to my house!
She came over with a few other inlaws late one night as they were passing by. It was raining outside and we have carpet in our living room, which is quite new. Also, my kids like to play on the living room carpet.
My SIL came in and I asked her if she could take her shoes off. She told me that it was a hassle to take of her shoes. I just looked at her and said in a half joke-half serious way that I would have to get some kitchen roll and wipe her shoes then. Then I left her in the hallway and went to the kitchen to put the kettle on.
A few minutes later I heard her screaming at DH in the hallway, saying that I insulted her by not allowing her into my home and I have no right to ask her to take her shoes off as she is the older SIL. She rang my MIL and was going on and on that I had insulted her etc.
She then went outside, shouting and yelling (I'm sure the neighbours loved it!) and sat in the car and refused to come in.
I'm fuming with her behaviour as I don't think my request was wrong. I have been brought up to take off my shoes in other people's homes, and I even make my kids do the same, whether the house they go to are carpeted or laminated.
Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 08/12/2012 15:59

It is very strange that many women love buying shoes when apparently you are not supposed to give it a thought and you just grab the nearest without thinking of how they match!

Bunbaker · 08/12/2012 19:14

"Do you not plan an outfit?"

No I'm not a supermodel. I don't "plan an outfit" for every day. I would for a night out. For every day I just "decide what to wear". I don't give footwear a second thought. I am tall so don't normally wear heels anyway and don't plan shoes to go with outfits for non work days.

mrskeithrichards · 08/12/2012 20:08

No one is throwing hissy fits or acting like a supermodel, some people just give enough of a shit to think about outfits. I have many. I also have several different shoes and bags. I was wearing my Dr Martens today, they wouldn't go with some outfits, some jeans go best with certain tops etc. It's not divaesque to

give a shit.

cinders005 · 08/12/2012 20:12

Personally i would always offer to take shoes off as it's the right thing to do. Not sure I wolud ask someone to take off shoes though. Although if asked I feel the visitor really should do so.

chicaguapa · 08/12/2012 20:20

There are some houses I visit where my socked feet are freezing and have recently started taking my slippers with me if I'm going to be there a while so I can keep my feet as toasty warm as the host's.

My SIL doesn't let you over the threshold with your shoes on, even if your arms are filled with DN's birthday presents and you need to go in and put them down before you can take them off. Hmm

FestiveFrollockingFrenzy · 08/12/2012 20:30

Its common sense to take shoes off, especially with kids around but I don't insist... Unless they are family or close friends :)

expatinscotland · 08/12/2012 20:33

It's precious and Hyancinth Bucket. My guests' comfort is more important than a floor.

LaQueen · 08/12/2012 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nannyof3 · 08/12/2012 20:55

Was she drunk? She was very rude..

People should automatically take there shoes off in someone else's house!!

Its rude to keep ur shoes on, theres so many germs, spit, poo and general crap on peoples shoes

TalkinPeace2 · 08/12/2012 21:01

Our house is a shoes on house - BUT we have hard floors between the front and back doors, and the shoe rack is obvious
because I do not allow shoes in the carpeted rooms (upstairs, family room, living room)
if you do not want shoes in your house, then put a clear shoe rack / dumping space right by the front door where guests can take their cue
and make sure your floors are warm.

there are ways to make it be 'kick off your shoes, feel at home'
versus
'your feet are mucky'

SparklingSnow · 08/12/2012 21:01

I always take my shoes off in my house. I wouldn't have a problem taking them off in another house. Carpets can get ruined so easily.

Halfawife · 08/12/2012 21:15

Your SIL sounds like a precious, immature cow. Your house, your rules. Especially if you have 'new-ish' carpet. I grew up in a household where you always took your shoes off as a sign of respect, not bringing dirt etc into the house. I now have crawling babies and my floors are clean so I don't want them picking up dirt (dog shit etc) from people's shoes. Our friends and family respect our wishes as we do in their houses. May be a blessing that your SIL never comes over again! Silly "older SIL" woman. Get a life.

ifancyashandy · 08/12/2012 21:20

I love MrsKeithRichards & want to go round LaQueens in my specifically chosen to go with my knickers high heels.

festivelyfocussed · 08/12/2012 21:28

YANBU.
It's quite a modern thing I think for ppl to be asked to remove their shoes in someone's home and sometimes I do find it a bit annoying (if my shoes are lovely or my socks ugly or their flooring is yucky).
But why would you want to have potential mud or even dog poo (easily present on anyone's shoes) on your new carpet where your children play???? You wouldn't. Your SIL has issues - obviously.
Have your DH ask (tell) her next time so you don't have to get involved in her tantrum.

rainrainandmorerain · 08/12/2012 21:31

With a crawling baby, I asked people to take shoes off at the door.

I couldn't give a flying fuck about mud and carpets etc. But our pavements were spread with dog shit, vomit after Friday and Saturday nights, and it was one of those areas where there was a real culture of hawking and spitting in the street. oh, and a nice rise in tuberculosis to round it all off.

I wouldn't let my baby crawl on dog shit and spit splattered streets so I sure as hell wasn't going to put up with it being trodden all over the floors in my house.

festivelyfocussed · 08/12/2012 21:34

well put rain.

exoticfruits · 09/12/2012 07:38

I heard of an extreme version of this and her grandchildren had to go in through the back door and were not allowed past the kitchen!!
I expect the women in question had wonderful carpets when they were grown up but a very poor relationship with her family! However 'carpets can get ruined so easily'! (Perhaps people could hang them on the walls instead and guests could admire them!)

ToffeeCaramel · 09/12/2012 17:03

We only used to visit my grandad in his kitchen (and the garden) as that was where he spent most of the time. I don't remember going into the rest of his house at all. We didn't have a poor relationship with him though.

exoticfruits · 09/12/2012 19:00

Spending time in the kitchen if the person lives in their most of the time is completely different. At my aunt's house we generally stayed in the kitchen because it was a huge farmhouse one with sofas etc-or if fine we stayed outside. It was nothing to do with protecting her carpets.

StoneRose83 · 09/12/2012 19:55

I can't help but think that this shoes off rule is a bit similar to those people who don't take the plastic covering off their furniture. I also read once that the bottom of a well used handbag has more germs than the average toilet!

EuroShagmore · 09/12/2012 19:59

This one always divides MN.

I'm in the "shoes on" camp. I'd never ask a guest to take their shoes off or expect them to offer. Only one of my close friends and a couple of acquaintances are in the "shoes off" camp. If I remember, I always take slippers to their houses. I hate being offered minging shared slippers. And I have Raynaud's so my feet freeze without something on them. I take my shoes off without complaint but I really don't like it or understand why someone would deliberately make their guests uncomfortable.

TheGrandPooBah · 09/12/2012 20:45

We live in a very multi-cultural area, and many of the people in this area spit on the streets. There is also a lot of dog poo in the area. We and our young children live in a new-build complex, with pale oatmeal carpet. We and all of our neighbours remove our shoes in our and each other's homes and ask guests to do the same. We first started doing this when DS was starting to crawl, and it's now a way of life. No one has ever shown the slightest indication that they have a problem with it. Workmen have brought their own shoe coverings, so they're obviously used to doing this.

It's a matter of health, cleanliness and also of respect. Perhaps we're just lucky to have the friends, neighbours and visitors who are so considerate of our request.

elizaregina · 09/12/2012 20:48

"And all those people congratulating themselves because their friends wouldn't dream of being so bourgeoise as to care in the slightest if you danced a jig on their cream carpets in muddy hobnailed boots - well, maybe they secretly do mind, but (like probably the majority of people who prefer shoes off) they are far too polite to say. "

No, most people who "dont" insist on shoes off - trust thier friends own judgment to take off thier shoes or muddy boots should there be a need too!

How patronising and controlling to think that because you might not insist on shoes off - people will therefore proceed to your hallowed cream carpet in filhty shoes and boots!

Or - maybe that is the kind of friends shoes off people have; which is why they have to insist on shoes off?

exoticfruits · 09/12/2012 20:52

No one has ever shown the slightest indication that they have a problem with it.

They are probably too polite. I never show the slightest indication that I have a problem with it-however, privately, I think they are precious, Hyacinth Bucket types.

elizaregina · 09/12/2012 20:58

"I wouldn't dream of asking a guest/friend to remove their shoes in my house. Carpets can be easily cleaned...mending a guest's feeling of embarrasment...not so easy. "

Exactly.

"I am seriously into my interior design...I have very pale carpets...I have pale grey linen sofas FFS..."

Therein lies a huge part of the divide. Lots of people go to homes with cream carpet - persian carpets - and all kinds of flooring, with or without crawling children and they wear shoes indoors - and the flooring and the crawling children - survive.

There are no complaints of constant illness or damage to the flooring.

So we all know that actually - wearing your shoes in doors - with a degree of comon sense - assuming you know when you have walked in dog shit ( an extraordinary amount of people on here seem to walk in it), and the like and take your shoes off on those occasions.....

Actually doenst make any differnece and the preference is acutally cultural or just personal preferance. Which is fine - but .....fussy....

I remembered working myself into a lather when DD started crawling and said we must keep shoes off - we remebered for a few days then as usual just forgot.

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