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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it so bad to ask someone to take off their shoes in your home?

562 replies

BlueVernis · 05/12/2012 11:58

As huge row has broken out between my sister inlaw (SIL) and myself, after I asked her to take of her shoes when she came to my house!
She came over with a few other inlaws late one night as they were passing by. It was raining outside and we have carpet in our living room, which is quite new. Also, my kids like to play on the living room carpet.
My SIL came in and I asked her if she could take her shoes off. She told me that it was a hassle to take of her shoes. I just looked at her and said in a half joke-half serious way that I would have to get some kitchen roll and wipe her shoes then. Then I left her in the hallway and went to the kitchen to put the kettle on.
A few minutes later I heard her screaming at DH in the hallway, saying that I insulted her by not allowing her into my home and I have no right to ask her to take her shoes off as she is the older SIL. She rang my MIL and was going on and on that I had insulted her etc.
She then went outside, shouting and yelling (I'm sure the neighbours loved it!) and sat in the car and refused to come in.
I'm fuming with her behaviour as I don't think my request was wrong. I have been brought up to take off my shoes in other people's homes, and I even make my kids do the same, whether the house they go to are carpeted or laminated.
Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

wordfactory · 07/12/2012 09:29

You can wipe a cat or dog's paws when they come in but do you wipe it's arse? Do you wipe its paws after it's licked its arse and then its paws?

pleasestoptalking · 07/12/2012 09:33

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask people to take their shoes off. Your house, your rules. If they don't like it they don't have to come in.
A friend of mine was outraged when she was asked to take her shoes off in another friend's house. I couldn't quite understand why but it sounded like the slippers that she had been provided (she was staying the night) didn't go with her outfit... weird. Who cares??
I don't understand why it causes such an emotional response.

wordfactory · 07/12/2012 09:38

I think it goes to the heart of what being a host is.

To me, if you have guests, you suspend the usual house rules. Their comfort is the priority. So calls of 'your house, your rules,' smack to me of lack of generosity and thoughtfulness. It also sounds like the call of the fishwife!

Particularly as most of us don't have guests arriving six times a day, all wearing work boots.

Jins · 07/12/2012 09:38

I don't think it's rude to ask but it is incredibly precious. It assumes that the guest has limited powers of observation and manners before they've even stepped through the door.

Guest slippers are another level of preciousness and I'm fascinated by them. What range of sizes do you maintain in your collection of guest slippers? Are people expected to make do with the nearest size to them? Do you really wash them every time?

I've not owned a pair of slippers since I was about 7. Hideous things. I'd probably refuse a pair of guest slippers and giggle with DH about it for years afterwards

wordfactory · 07/12/2012 09:41

Actually, I probably shouldn't be suprised at the lack of hospitality displayed by so many given the number of threads with posters declaring they don't want to accommodate anyone else at Christmas.

Me, me, me. Mine, mine, mine.

FunBagFreddie · 07/12/2012 09:50

To be fair, the majority of people I know and have met ask if they should take their shoes off. If they notice their host isn't wearing shoes, or shoes are left near the door, they'll remove theirs too.

MerryKissMyArse · 07/12/2012 11:18

Haha, wordfactory I often think that as well. I never cease to be amazed/ alarmed at just how uptight, self-centered and anti-social some people are.

Janeatthebarre · 07/12/2012 11:21

If I call to someone's house and they're not wearing shoes I just assume it's because..well.. they're at home and relaxing. It wouldn't occur to me to take my shoes off as well.

stookiesackhouse · 07/12/2012 11:24

Me, me, me. Mine, mine, mine.

^this.

BunFagFreddie · 07/12/2012 11:27

It's probably all down to your family. If your parents did it then you'll think it's normal, if you're not used to it, it might seem rude. I have never thought of it as a controversial issue before MN.

Janeatthebarre · 07/12/2012 11:28

Me, me, me. Mine, mine, mine.

I agree also. My House my rules, My baby, extended family can fuck off
etc etc

Janeatthebarre · 07/12/2012 11:29

Sorry, meant to bold that not score through.

Hopingforhapppiness · 07/12/2012 11:29

Gosh, everyone I know takes their shoes off when going into a house. Who wants outdoor dirt trod around in their home? It's lovely having a clean home and it's much more comfortable going barefoot or in socks than wearing shoes...... I am amazed that anyone would take offence. It also means that, say, oak flooring will not become pitted with spiky heel prints etc I even expect workmen to take off their shoes unless they have covered the carpets with sheeting (and estate agents, meter readers...everyone). I would miss the feeling of different textures (thick wool carpets, silk rugs, marble, polished mahogany) underfoot if I wore my shoes inside.... Is this a London thing?

BunFagFreddie · 07/12/2012 11:32

It's not a london thing Hoping. I like going barefoot too, even in the garden.

Floggingmolly · 07/12/2012 11:32

Is it really uptight, self centred and anti social, MerryKissMyArse?
It won't stop me because of the sheer amount of dog crap round here, but I really didn't think it would engender such rage in people.
Maybe my friends secretly hate me.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 07/12/2012 11:36

yep. Went to a friend's house last night for a small get-together. There was no demand that we take off shoes, but everyone did.

I think people are awfully extreme in their opinions of those who prefer shoes-off. I prefer it because I see a huge difference in how often I have to hoover or spot clean the carpets when people take their shoes off. I've never asked anyone to do so, though. I'm not precious about the floors. I am, however, lazy.

And to put this kindly: those of you who think everyones feet smell should perhaps take your shoes off and let them breathe once in a while. If your shoes smell (if they're ones you do a lot of walking and sweating in, for example) you should try some odour-neutralising pads with charcoal in them. Change your socks daily. I can honestly say there are only two people I know with foot odour now and they both have foot fungus/ laundry aversion (cough, my brothers-in-law).

elizaregina · 07/12/2012 11:41

exotic

The world is divided into those who welcome guests and those who have them in to admire the carpets!

soooo true........

Janeatthebarre · 07/12/2012 11:41

I don't think anyone has said that everyone's feet smell, just that it is often a possibility with guests, particularly in Summer.

YoucanringmySleighBells · 07/12/2012 11:43

I am a shoes-off person but I never ask. If they ask me then I say yes please. I think it isn't very comfortable walking around indoors with outdoor shoes on.

I would never be rude about it..I am a silent seether .

mrskeithrichards · 07/12/2012 11:47

If stilettos are ruining your oak flooring you've either not get proper hardwood flooring (clue is in the name) or the heels are broke (ie the cap is off and it's pure ragged metal that's exposed)

elizaregina · 07/12/2012 11:48

word factory -

again so true!!! Its something I cant get my head round, I just think there is so much to worry about in this life - why add a cream carpet to the list?

If i ever did have a cream carpet - it would not be in the hallway - and people would have plenty of other carpets - door matts rugs or surfaces for any debris to come BEFORE they hit the cream ....

I do not want to be ruled by a cream carpet - I do not want " flooring" to dominate my life in any way shape or form!

I have been to plenty of beautiful homes with all kinds of expenisve looking floors and never been told to take shoes off - crawling babies - old ladies - cream carpets and persian rugs have all SURVIVED and the hosts have enjoyed thier guests and not wasted thier time worrying about thier flooring.

Why would any want flooring that you cant walk on? That will cause you distress and has to be " managed".

Some homes who have cream carpets and the " no shoe rule" do sometimes have I have noticed a red plastic- " no smoking" sign also.

Why not have a great ugly " no shoes please" sign as well stuck on the front door.

Or a decontamination room with a chemical shower - issue guests will a full on nuclear set of clothes?

GreenEggsAndNichts · 07/12/2012 11:52

Jane someone did say everyone, it was much earlier in the thread and I should have mentioned it by now. It's been in the back of my mind. Oh how I worry about these things. Yes, it's possible for feet to smell if you've had a particularly sweaty day, but I was just saying it isn't normal for them to smell all of the time, hence my suggestions.

And I can see people are just happy to froth away. I'll just repeat: I'm not a slave to my carpets, but if people want to take of their shoes (and almost everyone does) I'm happy for them to. I don't ask them to. It saves a lot of cleaning, especially in the winter. It doesn't matter how nice the mat is in the front hall, once a few people have been over it with dirty shoes, they're just moving mud around on it.

elizaregina · 07/12/2012 11:53

It also means that, say, oak flooring will not become pitted with spiky heel prints etc

where is it written that flooring musnt have " pitting"?

whats the problem with it?

has anyone actually looked at a " pit" and tutted and thought it has ruined the whole floor?

elizaregina · 07/12/2012 11:54

It doesn't matter how nice the mat is in the front hall, once a few people have been over it with dirty shoes, they're just moving mud around on it.

you either need to have another mat to rotate then or a huge door mat inside the house and outside.

wordfactory · 07/12/2012 11:57

Well I went to a fabulous party last night in a to-die-for apartment and we didn't stand around in our socks or slippers ...imagining what colour sock might have gone with my frock...

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