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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off with DHs depression

78 replies

CheeryCherry · 02/12/2012 11:28

So sick of it today, can cope going everything during the week, its become the norm. But it is sending me round the frigging bend doing everything while he lies in bed til tea time on a weekend. We've no money, tons of debt, having to put the house on the market in January but can't find anything we like. Feeling cross with myself for envying my friends who are out and about, booking holidays/concerts/weekend breaks....enjoying themselves. Whereas I just hold the fort and stay in. Want to just cry all day but have too bloody much to do! And DCs getting excited for Christmas, and I just feel pissed off.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 02/12/2012 11:33

Is he getting help?

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 02/12/2012 11:34

:( depression is horrible. Are you angry because he has it or do you feel like he's milking it a bit?

StuntGirl · 02/12/2012 11:35

It sounds very tough cherry :( Is he getting any help? Are you getting any help and support?

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 02/12/2012 11:35

Yes, on ADs and on list for therapy. Feel embarrassed for the rant now Blush

OP posts:
Sirzy · 02/12/2012 11:37

Don't be embarrassed it's hard living with someone who is depressed. Nothing wrong with being angry with the illness.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 02/12/2012 11:39

Don't be embarrassed. You are in a very difficult situation. I know it isn't the same thing but I had awful PND when DS was born and was absolutely horrible to DH. Just because there was a reason for my behaviours didn't make it less bad or any easier on him.

Mrsjay · 02/12/2012 11:41

Feel embarrassed for the rant now

Dont feel like that you are living with somebody who is ill but you need to deal with it too depression is frustrating and down right fricking miserable for everybody you are living with it too, I hope he manage to get some help soon ,

FreudiansSlipper · 02/12/2012 11:43

you need support too no need to feel guilty it a very difficult situation you are dealing with. Does he spend most of his day in bed? his medication might be very high some can make people feel very lethargic some it gives the, more energy. maybe he needs to get this looked at if he is on medication it is meant to help him function better

SirBoobAlot · 02/12/2012 11:44

Better to rant here than take it out on him.

Its a horrible thing, watching someone you love feel like that, especially when it seems like all they do is just sit there.

He's on ADs and on the therapy list, that's great. What about you? Are you getting some support right now?

RedHelenB · 02/12/2012 11:48

Definitely look for some support yourself. Do try though to get him out into the fresh air, lying in bed all day won't help him, really it won't.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 02/12/2012 11:48

Just because he's depressed, it doesn't mean you're not allowed to be depressed as well. You're human and everyone has limits. Depression is a terrible thing for the sufferer but it's also a terrible thing for the people around them who are expected to pick up the pieces, soldier on and made to feel guilty if they complain because they 'can't help it, they're ill'. If he's still struggling despite being on ADs and the therapy list maybe you should get him to go back to the GP on the basis that the treatment simply isn't working.

Good luck

TooImmatureMincePies · 02/12/2012 11:49

OP, my DH has depression too and it can be really wearing at times. He's also on ADs and waiting for therapy on the NHS list - they said it was a year's wait, so next September probably before he gets seen.

That said, if he lies in bed all weekend every weekend then I think he's taking the piss. He's ill, but he also has responsibilities. DH said to me this morning that he was feeling desperate. I am letting him veg for the morning, but this afternoon I am going to drag him out for some fresh air and sunshine.

Mrsjay · 02/12/2012 11:50

do you try and wake him up to get up and out of bed ? instead of letting him sleep would it be better if he was up and about ? or would that just hinder you, just because he is depressed doesn't mean he can't contribute to the family, millions of people live with depression

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 02/12/2012 11:53

No I don't get help, parents elderly and have their own problems. Have sympathy from a couple of friends but they can't help. Sorry, just had enough today. Can usually amble on.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 02/12/2012 11:54

I think nearly everybody would find this incredibly hard if not almost impossible to deal with. Whether he is depressed or not he should get out of bed and attempt to help you. Drag him out for a walk and a coffee if he's up to it or there is anywhere open.

YouOldSlag · 02/12/2012 11:54

My sympathies. MY DH had depression and once they got his AD dose right, he was the man I married again.

It was a long, hard slog and our marriage was really challenged, but your DH MUST accept help.

When my DH was first on ADs, he did have genuine tiredness for a few weeks until they kicked in, then he gradually got back on his feet but needed his dose increased. he is now on 40mg a day of Citalopram and this seems to suit him.

Is your DH only just on ADs? if so, some tiredness is normal. If not, back to the GPs as he made need a higher does to get him functioning.

In the meantime, my heart goes out to you. The non depressed partner is so often overlooked and it's incredibly tough. You are also at risk of Depression yourself, so be nice to yourself and never apologise for Me Time- it's essential.

YouOldSlag · 02/12/2012 11:56

Incidentally, the suggestions above of getting your DH to go out for a walk are very sensible.

When a friend of ours was depressed, his MH team came every day to ensure he got out of bed, got dressed, and went for a walk. It's regarded highly as a help to depressed people. They need sunlight and a feeling of having got out of the house.

valiumredhead · 02/12/2012 11:58

I feel sorry for anyone who has depression as I had severe PND after having ds, in fact I was hospitalised for many months BUT I still had to get up, I never got to lie in bed all day as there wasn't someone to look after my baby (ds was in with me), dh was at work and the hospital staff certainly don't let you lie in bed.

I agree with mrsjay - try and get him up. You say he only does it at the weekends is this because he works during the week? So he knows he has no choice in the week, he shouldn't have a choice at the weekend either - there is plenty to do when you have a family.

Not surprised you have had enough x

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 02/12/2012 11:58

I have tried all ways, left him til 7pm one Sunday then told him he should get up to see the kids. Tried sending up cups of tea every hour from 10am, tried inviting people over...he just hides away. Hate nagging, but would hate to explode with frustration. He sees the GP fortnightly, she says to wait it out. You're right though, millions of folk suffer with depression so I shouldn't grumble. Thank you.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 02/12/2012 11:59

One of the most important things is to get up at the same time and go to bed at the same time each day - and plenty of fresh air!

valiumredhead · 02/12/2012 12:00

I think exploding with frustration would be counter productive, although understandable, but nothing wrong with a very firm chat and explain that this can't go on as you will go under too.

Leithlurker · 02/12/2012 12:01

Dont be dragging him any where what the heck do you think your saying viv, thats as bad as tell him to pull himself together. If he wants to go fine, just do the walk part and enjoy being out dont get in to planning or talking about things enjoy the day and the life around you.

Better yet OP you go out you need a break, go for the walk, he is not a baby he can be left. Get yourself in contact with a career group get some support for you. Has he got benefits, work, get advice on money, to be honest op you need to be proactive about getting you out and involved in stuff. Sorting out things is not pleasant but it will give you a focus that is not bound up with him.

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 02/12/2012 12:01

He does get to work most days, so yes he can get put of bed. I wondered if it was me, the children...he says not.

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 02/12/2012 12:02

OP- yes you can grumble! Don't internalise how hard it is. It is OK to talk about YOUR feelings too. You count and you MATTER.

Stop sending cups of tea up, say you are too busy with the kids, or give him a job to do that he needs to get up for. I have had Depression myself and it's hell but the days I didn't get up were far worse than the days I did.

I have also been in your shoes. You need support too. Just because millions of others have suffered, it doesn't diminish your right to speak up and say this is hard.

Mrsjay · 02/12/2012 12:03

You're right though, millions of folk suffer with depression so I shouldn't grumble. Thank you.

Oh no I didnt mean that please dont take it that way Smile all I was saying is people live with depression daily and manage to get up and about of course you have every right to grumble you are having to deal with children him the weekend all on your own while he lies in bed, maybe when you speak to him ask him to get up for at least an hour or 2 to see his children, It can't be easy for you holding it all together