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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off with DHs depression

78 replies

CheeryCherry · 02/12/2012 11:28

So sick of it today, can cope going everything during the week, its become the norm. But it is sending me round the frigging bend doing everything while he lies in bed til tea time on a weekend. We've no money, tons of debt, having to put the house on the market in January but can't find anything we like. Feeling cross with myself for envying my friends who are out and about, booking holidays/concerts/weekend breaks....enjoying themselves. Whereas I just hold the fort and stay in. Want to just cry all day but have too bloody much to do! And DCs getting excited for Christmas, and I just feel pissed off.

OP posts:
sausageandorangepickle · 02/12/2012 13:55

cheerycherry i am in the same position as you, my DH has suffered from depression for years, leading to a 'breakdown' about 2 years ago and him being managed out of his job. Now I am back at work full time, he works 3 days a week and looks after DS3 on the other days. We have thousands of pounds of debt he ran up while he was suffering, and our house is on the market as we are struggling with the debt repayments and mortgage etc etc. Some days he is great, others he just moves from bed to sofa and back again. I had lots of emotional support when he had the breakdown, but it has dried up now - people think he will be over it, like with a physical illness.

I have tried 'nursing' him - looking after him, bringing him drinks, being very solicitous etc, tried nagging/jollying him along to get up and join in with things, and tried just getting on with stuff on my own and letting him join in if he wants to, and the last one is the best for ME, I get less pissed off and stressed, and if he does come to the park or whatever it is a lovely bonus.

I have considered that my life may well be easier as a single parent, as I would just have the 3 DS's to look after, and not him too, but I do still love him even though he drives me mad a lot of the time when he is feeling bad.

Sorry, that was really long and not that helpful, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone

ChristmasTreegles · 02/12/2012 14:02

I've been dealing with DH's depression for the last 2+ years. We are just now finally getting him set up on the short list for the CBT/counselling that he needs and that we've fought for since he first was dxd with depression. It's maddening, I will admit.

But I refused to allow him to wallow up in his room. He needs to get up, shower, eat regularly, take the dog for a walk (gives him regular exercise) and be civil (trust me, this part is a work in progress - he gets very shouty). If he could get away with it, he'd spend all day on his own sleeping or playing on the laptop. Not happening. There's a list that he himself put together (after we discussed it at length) posted in the kitchen of the things he MUST do every day - as the most recent (and most helpful) GP advised him that the best thing for depression is as normal a routine as possible.

I do get frustrated - it really puts huge limits on me. I can't leave the children with him except either one at a time or after they're both in bed, as he cannot cope. I am dealing with all the financial stuff and decision making. And I feel like all the responsibility for EVERYTHING is at my feet. Much like being a single parent honestly. Hopefully this counselling will improve things, as I truly do not know how I will cope if it goes on much longer. I do think my own mental health has suffered from all this. I'm debating going back to the GP to ask for help/support, but seeing a different GP. last time I went in, I was told "you'll be fine, you'll cope, that's what women do." This was from a female GP/NP. Not particularly useful IMO. Hmm

I don't honestly know what to say about feeling guilty over being frustrated at him/the depression. I get that way too. We're only human.

GhostShip · 02/12/2012 14:11

Oh you poor thing. Sometimes living with someone with depression can be just as bad as having it.

I've been in both situations, it's blood hard either way. I can't give any advice but I hope you realise that you deserve help too. x

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 02/12/2012 14:36

christmas and sausage I can relate to your posts. I too sometimes wonder if I would cope better as a single parent, as I would only have the DCs to look after, and not the anxiety of a stressed partner. Then I feel selfish again. The problem is I can't see it getting better for quite sometime, he is now threatened with redundancy from a job he's been in for 11 years, and his industry is struggling in this recession. We will have to put our house on the market, we're waiting til after Christmas, but I'm anticipating major stress ahead. I'm also supposed to be going on an annual weekend away with some friends next weekend, and I know I can't go. All this equals being v v pissed off. God all I'm doing is moaning!

OP posts:
GhostShip · 02/12/2012 14:39

You're not moaning, you're releasing. Its hard having pent up stuff! You obviously can't talk to your partner about this because of his situation, so it's important that you do feel you can have a vent every now and again. Dont feel bad about it. x

GhostShip · 02/12/2012 14:39

Feck me need to stop adding those kisses on the end of posts Blush

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 02/12/2012 15:15

Ghost I'll accept your kisses Wink

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 02/12/2012 15:42

Feck me need to stop adding those kisses on the end of posts

you are a secret softy Grin will be hugs next I will watch out for them X

GhostShip · 02/12/2012 15:49

Hahaha I think I am! I'm sure I have a split personality at times... Wink

MWAH

TooImmatureMincePies · 02/12/2012 21:30

Cheery, why can't you go on your weekend away? Is it money? If so, then I'm really sorry, but if not, why not? Is it getting someone to look after the DC? I think the best thing you could do for yourself and your family by extension, is to have a little time off. I hope you can find a way to go - it's not selfish to need a little time off.

KittyFane1 · 02/12/2012 22:10

YANBU.
You have every reason to feel annoyed.
:(

MadBusLady · 02/12/2012 23:04

I think I'd go for much smaller steps than some people are advocating here - as in he could aim to spend the day sitting in bedroom chair with curtains open and a bit of a breeze rather than lying in bed? Even a bit of light and air will help. Going from horizontal to regular exercise is not going to happen overnight.

The very worst thing when you're already depressed is to feel like you're failing even at goals you rationally know are small, like being up by a certain time. They're not small to a depressed person. They're huge. The goals have to be tiny.

JeffTheGodOfBiscuits · 02/12/2012 23:38

Cheerycherry you have my sympathy. Rant away, I find it really helps to get it out and I have two particular friends who know all the details and who I rant at on a listen without prejudice basis when required.

Sausageandorangepickle I could have written your post word for word. Dealt with DH's depression for 12 years. Sometimes I'm amazed that I keep on doing it, but I do think that I have shut down emotionally in some ways in order to keep on coping. Sometimes I would just like someone I could rely on and who would also look after me.

ChristmasTreegles · 03/12/2012 09:43

MadBusLady Yes, goals have to be tiny. But note that the OP said that her DH is going to work - so he is getting up and about each day - this is just carrying the momentum through the weekend. My DH is working as well, although reduced hours, so it's important for him to maintain good eating habits, shower, get some fresh air. It keeps him physically healthy, so he doesn't get run down, which will only make things worse. He's obviously able to get up, get dressed, etc, as he is working.

Huge difference between that and someone who is unable to function and cannot get out of bed for days or weeks at a time.

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 03/12/2012 22:50

TooImmature it is partly money, but I paid for it a while ago though I will get my money back if I don't go. I'm also torn because I'm not in the right frame of mind....would love to have a break, but don't know if I will be able to relax&enjoy it....I think I am either 'coping' or privately sad. I don't know if that makes sense. i would hate to spoil the weekend for my friends who have looked forward to a break all year. I think I'm feeling too jealous of happy people - which is a terrible way to think and feel, but I'm being honest. God I must sound like a right cow!
You are all right about the tiny steps way of thinking, he's been back to GP tonight, who says he's doing well, and to plod on. Ho hum! Thanks all.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeryCherry · 03/12/2012 22:52

Ps. All of you who have lived with it for years should be knighted/awarded gold medals/have your halos polished. So impressive that you've coped so long and so well.

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 04/12/2012 08:02

God I must sound like a right cow!

Actually you sound like a caring, compassionate woman who is exhausted from looking after everyone but herself.

Mrsjay · 04/12/2012 08:47

could you not just go on your weekend away it would give you a break for a couple of days would maybe give you some breathing space from him , think about it I am sure you will feel a tiny bit better being with your friends,

5dcsandallthelittlesantahats · 04/12/2012 10:06

sorry you are going through this OP.

My DH suffered depression a few years ago. He was totally fine, life was going great I was pg with dc4 and then when morning he just didnt get up. He cried when I tried to force him - I have never seen him cry before that.

He didnt get up for weeks, he lost his job, we had no money, we had to move hundreds of miles to be closer to his family. To get money we started our own business and I had to sit with him every single day right next to him while he wrote each email. I actually hated him at times. The worst point was not long before we moved we were moving the furniture about sorting out. He had collapsed the kids bed move all the furniture into the middle of the room and that day I had been told I had the start of preeclampsia and was waiting on a phonecall to tell m whether they wanted me in until the end of the pregnancy.

He decided he was too depressed to move he literally lay in the middle of it and left me to it. That was the last straw and I basically told him to get the fuck up or I was leaving. I never posted about it at the time because I thought everyone would tell me I was totally unreasonable and a bitch - depression was causing his behaviour but from my point of view it had got to the point where I had to protect my children and myself from him.

From there things improved and for a few years now we have had our good life back - he has a little wobble occasionally but thats it. Thank god.

you CAN come out the other end - but at the same time he has to know that his behaviour isnt inexcusable - depression in NOT an excuse to behave like a child or to treat those around you like shit - let him know that.

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 04/12/2012 17:21

MrsJ I feel a bit more positive today, and think I would like to go away. But weekdays are always easier, and I still doubt he will get up to look after the children. 5dcs that sounds like a hard time, and nobody could have judged you for saying what you did. Glad you got through it. I think I do need to talk about it. youoldslag (fab name!) Thankyou.

OP posts:
sausageandorangepickle · 09/12/2012 16:16

Hi Cheery hope you have enjoyed your weekend a bit more - whether you went away or stayed at home. Things are getting a bit worse here, winter is always worse and Christmas even more so - the kids are getting excited and putting decorations up, and it makes him feel upset and inadequate that he is not joining in with the spirit of it all.

PatButchersEarring · 09/12/2012 17:33

5dcs

having been brought up in a family with several depressive members, I don't think you were UR or a bitch at all.

There is nothing selfish about self-preservation.

Another vote here for the tough love approach.

ZhenThereWereTwo · 09/12/2012 17:56

Rant away it is not easy to be carrying all that, it is like you suddenly gain an extra child plus you lose all your support too.

My DH came out of his depression this summer (he was grieving after his mum died in traumatic circumstances). I was strong for so long, coped with giving birth to dd2 and emcs recovery on my own, understood when he didn't even try to bond with her, but it wears you down.

He got very angry and nasty with me and dd1 (looking for someone to blame) and it was just getting worse not better, after a year I just snapped and told him to sort it out or I couldn't continue with our relationship. Once he realised that he was pushing away the people who loved him and being selfish he started to sort himself out, got a new job outside doing lots of exercise and began to be the man I married again.

I agree with 5dcs that he needs to understand that depression is not an excuse for his behaviour.

It took me a long time to feel close to DH again as I didn't trust him anymore, but now we are stronger than ever.

Talk to him.

Longfufu · 09/12/2012 18:06

Hi OP, I kinda know how you feel. My DH had an illness which ment he was too scared to leave the house.
All I wanted to say is that I often felt like screaming at him and I was totally fed up of looking after our newborn baby and doing everything alone, but you just do it don't you?
I will get easier, and vent away on her, if it means you don't scream at your DH x

NowBringUsSomeFriggyPudding · 09/12/2012 22:40

Hi its Cheery with my festive NC! I didn't go away sausage but have been ill for the past few days so he's had to do a lot more than in the previous few months. Feeling a bit calmer, but there's ups and downs. Zhen that sounds like it was hard work. Glad you've come through it. Plod plod I say. Thanks all.