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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off with DHs depression

78 replies

CheeryCherry · 02/12/2012 11:28

So sick of it today, can cope going everything during the week, its become the norm. But it is sending me round the frigging bend doing everything while he lies in bed til tea time on a weekend. We've no money, tons of debt, having to put the house on the market in January but can't find anything we like. Feeling cross with myself for envying my friends who are out and about, booking holidays/concerts/weekend breaks....enjoying themselves. Whereas I just hold the fort and stay in. Want to just cry all day but have too bloody much to do! And DCs getting excited for Christmas, and I just feel pissed off.

OP posts:
catgirl1976geesealaying · 02/12/2012 12:03

YANBU

It's a bloody selfish illness and exhausting to live with

You both have my sympathies

Hope your DH gets better soon

valiumredhead · 02/12/2012 12:04

Dragging him out of bed for fresh air is NOT the same as telling him to pull himself together - nurses and doctors do it every day in hospitals. Fresh air is beneficial - telling him to pull himself together is not.

StuntGirl · 02/12/2012 12:07

Depression is a horrible illness as it is often so frustrating to those on the outside (as well as the sufferer!)

It does sound like he is not helping himself much; forcing himself out of bed for work is great, but then burrowing himself away is not so good. He's not coping he's avoiding. Perfectly understandable reaction when you have depression but it's not going to help him any. He needs to get up and go for a short walk every day, even if its just to the shops and back. Even something so simple can help you feel a bit more human again.

You sound like you're doing the best you can OP, please don't feel guilty or embarassed you're dealing with a lot too!

YouOldSlag · 02/12/2012 12:08

Yes, even the NHS is firm on the benefits of fresh air and a walk. GPs advise it.

Agree with valium- it's not the same as telling him to pull himself together.

FromEsme · 02/12/2012 12:09

No need to be embarrassed, OP. I have depression and I don't think that I could cope with me. It must be a very frustrating thing to see in someone you love and put a huge drain on you.

Viviennemary · 02/12/2012 12:11

Sorry! I wasn't meaning literally dragging him out of bed but just used it as a figure of speech. But I meant that getting him to go for a walk even if he doesn't feel like it might make him feel a lot better even though he won't think that before he goes. But I don't think leaving him lying in bed all day is any good whatsoever.

Doingakatereddy · 02/12/2012 12:13

Agree completely, DM suffered with crippling, lock up ward type depression and she was always worse when lying in bed (which she did for 2 years On & off)No-one with depression can or could pull themselves together, it takes hard work, counselling / AD's & change.
Small tasks that become routine are good place to start - e.g. Be up & dressed for 10am

I'm now pretty intolerant of people with depression, it's an awful place to be but frankly after years of it - just grinds you down. Your n

Gingefringe · 02/12/2012 12:14

YANBU.

Does he have his own friends or family who could help? Maybe they could go out with him for a walk/pub to take the pressure off you?

Good luck. You sound very brave.

Doingakatereddy · 02/12/2012 12:14

Oops - your not alone.

valiumredhead · 02/12/2012 12:14

Could you tell him to get up as you need to strip the bed and wash the sheets? Wink

FreudiansSlipper · 02/12/2012 12:20

If he is managing even if it is a struggle to get to work then for some reason he is hiding away at weekends, this is not helping him encouraging him to get out is a good thing but of course can not be forced, you do not just snap out of depression but at times you can help yourself fight it

op you keep apologising you have no reason too being depressed can make people very self centred and difficult to live with if you your self can get out spend some time at from the house it might be good for you

there is low cost counselling available in most areas the bacp website might be worth having a look at and for advice for you both on how to deal with his depression

NymphadoraTonks · 02/12/2012 12:22

My husband has bi polar and is currently in the 'down' phase. It brings me right down with him when its like this, so I understand your rant and would never judge you for it. It is fucking hard.

nowahousewife · 02/12/2012 12:26

Hi Cheery, my heart goes out to you. My DH has suffered for years with depression including being hospitalised twice. Once you have an actual diagnosis it does make things a bit easier as you both understand what's going on. Others are right when they say it's good for him to get out and about but equally I would not drag him out of bed at this stage.

This is something you will both have to live with for the rest of your lives and it is worth taking time to get things right. One thing that is proven to aid depressive episodes is physical exercise. He may not be in a place to do this right now but once he's a bit better you can put strategies in place to try and keep the black dog at bay. You can also try to work out if there are any triggers for his depression and when you see them coming put strategies in place to try and avoid another episode.

There is a great book called Living with a Black Dog by Matthew Johnson. I gave it to my dh and he then read it to our DC's to help them understand what was going on in his life, very worthwhile.

Finally din't make the mistake I initially did which was to pretend everything was normal and soldier on. No one would expect you to do that if he had a physical illness. When dh was hospitalised a second time I told my family and friends and believe me it made life much easier for me.

And also it's absolutely find to feel pissed off with the situation , it is crap, but it can get better.

Pilgit · 02/12/2012 12:27

You have my sympathies. I am a depressive and sometimes all i want to do is stay in bed. However it really doesn't help as all i did was stew in my own self pity. I eventually moved home and mum imposed a routine on me - bloody frustrating at the time as I really didn't want to but after a couple of weeks i saw the benefit. Simple things like being out of bed by 8.30 washed and dressed in clean clothes by 9.30. If I did that I was then allowed to wallow on the sofa but I had to sit up, not lie down. Sounds draconian but being washed, dressed and up made me see the world rather than my own self pity. Having said that if he's getting himself out all week he is probably exhausted. She never told me to pull myself together or undermined the seriousness of what was going on.

Never underestimate how physically debilitating depression can be. It takes virtually all your energy. It feels like someone has replaced your bones with lead and then turned the air to treacle. Also do not underestimate how awful it is for you - it takes an enormous toll on family as the depressed person often has nothing to give back. It will sap your energy. Never feel guilty for complaining about it - you have every right to complain and feel totally hard done by! If the waiting list is as long as it is for help, maybe look into some self help - of course he has to want to do that but I am sure if you plant the idea he will see that he can't wait that long and will try. hang in there.

LaQueen · 02/12/2012 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 02/12/2012 12:55

Thank you for all being so kind. I've been coping since summer but sometimes its a feel-sorry-for-myself day. I have a cheery face on at work, so maybe weekends are a reality check for me. And its sunny so the windows look filthy!! Thanks for your support, it helps to know that others have found this situation hard so I'm not as hopeless as I think!

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/12/2012 12:56

YANBU

I have suffered from depression, and while it is vile at all times, you cannot just lie in bed and hope that the world will go away when you have a family.
What steps is he taking to try and get himself better?

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 02/12/2012 13:17

He's on ADs and on a list for therapy, sees the GP fortnightly. He us better than he was in September, less anxiety, less panic attacks. I sort of want him to rest himself better, IYSWIM, but then again I want some support! Heard movement upstairs so will try the 'need to wash the bedding' idea.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 02/12/2012 13:19

Don't be in too much of a hurry to re make the bed either!

catgirl1976geesealaying · 02/12/2012 13:24

The advice to get him outside if you can is excellent

If you can (and I know how hard this is) get him to start doing some exercise that is brilliant. It will be probably be very difficult but if you can get him to go to the gym / swimming / doing an activity it will make a huge difference IME.

I can't get DH to this time, but I'll keep trying. In the past I have managed it and it has really helped. I sometimes resort to making out I want to go but need his support etc

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 02/12/2012 13:29

Of course you can grumble - you are entitled to.

I have a few a few friends who are supporting depressed partners. It is really hard going - depression is a very selfish illness. The depressed partners are getting lots of support but there is nothing for my friends who carry the weight of everything.

You need to find something for yourself. To help you stay level and strong, there needs to be some space just for you. Can you talk to his GP about it when you next visit?

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 02/12/2012 13:31

Also can you have fun on the cheap - walks, candle lit meals or bubbly soaks in the bath.

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 02/12/2012 13:32

film nights with popcorn?

Mrsjay · 02/12/2012 13:32

but then again I want some support! Heard movement upstairs so will try the 'need to wash the bedding' idea.

have a look for a local carers charity or perhaps MIND offer a support service for families do something to helpyou then you can help him,

I suffered from PND then long term depression it comes and goes and its mostly reaction to things that gets me and it cant be easy for my husband to cope with I do feel really guilty sometimes, but I do try and get up and do stuff you really can't tell somebody with depression to pull themselves together but I do think people who have depression can help themselves even if it a little ,

Chottie · 02/12/2012 13:45

I don't have experience from which to offer advice, but I just wanted send you a hug, life sounds really tough on all of you x.