to dump my BF for going with a prostitute...

[snailfiddler]

... 24 years ago.

On a lads holiday to Amsterdam.

I am not saying they dont cheese, but the information on the study posted above indicates that they use them far less than the middle income bracket.

YABU it was 24 years ago, you'd be really gutted if he dumped you for sleeping with someone who he didn't like 24 years ago. Yes he did it but he also regrets it and he's clean too, a lot can happen in 24 years to change some ones personality, and at least he was honest with you about it eh.

Athing are you being deliberately obtuse?

He hasnt "based his life" around anything! The OP was simply saying that as a young man he didnt think much beyond what was put out in popular media about prostitution. He paid for sex with a prostitute and bought into the myth of the happy hooker. Reality of course is far different and he now realises what he did and that it was wrong.

Are you really so unforgiving that you wont allow someone to say "Yes, I did that and I know it was wrong. Thats why I have never done it since and wont ever do it again. I am sorry and ashamed" and give them a chance to prove themselves?

I take it you have never done anything morally dodgy in your life?

AThing
I'm merely pointing out that attitudes have changed in 24 years and to an extent people's perception of prostitution have changed although I'm not sure Belle de Jour helps.

Further people grow up and what might have seemed vaguely OK aged 18 might be deeply shaming in your 40's.

No OP I wouldn't dump him for something he did 24 years ago when obviously young, stupid and on a lads holiday which he regrets now.

I wouldn't even consider dumping him for something he did legally over 20 years before you met.

What matters the person he is now. I'm sure most people have learned a lot in 24 years of adulthood and I expect he is no different.

I'm just wondering whether he was credulous about utter bulkshit in a films, or whether he chose to listen to the ones who were telling him that of course men should buy women, since that is what they are for.

Anyone who watched the blow job scene in Pretty Woman and didn't have their stomach turned a little but instead thought "I'm gonna get me a bit if that" is not someone I want in my bed.

This is not about forgiveness. The OP isn't the one he paid to sexually assault.

Her decision is for herself and the kind of person she wants in her life.

It's a very male-centric view to see this in terms of punishment.

No its not. Its my view.

She is thinking about dumping him. She doesn't have to stay with him.

But he is currently hanging in the balance. Not knowing. That's punishment.

Can he explain to you why he is ashamed?

Is it because people might think less of him for it, see him as seedy and sordid, and so he's ashamed based on what other people might think of his behaviour (i.e shame is about protecting himself from judgement) - or is he ashamed for reasons to do with understanding the exploitation and objectification issues, i.e. shame because of what he thinks of his behaviour, based on real insight and a change of attitude?

AThing
You are missing the point about Pretty Woman. The fact that Pretty Woman was considered not only a good idea but a mainstream high earning romantic comedy gives you an idea about some of the prevailing attitudes to prostitution at the time.

FFS I was a teenager when Pretty Woman came out, I remember the prevailing attitudes to prostitution at the time.

They were very much as they are now, there just happened to be a happy hooker film in the cinemas.

Plenty of mainstream reviews of the film called it on the bullshit view of prostitutes being paid-for girlfriends who had to work hard not to fall in love with their johns.

If the message you got from Pretty Woman was that buying a woman's consent was acceptable, it was a message you were eager to hear.

There's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't dump him.
There's absolutely no reason why you should dump him.

Neither of the above is true.

So, no, YANBU to dump him, since that is the way you phrase the question, rather than AIBU to keep going out with him.

I do wonder how many of the other posters here have disclosed everything they did quarter of a century ago; and of those that haven't what would they consider as fair reasons for their DP to dump them out of hand.

I'd say get rid, since you chose to ask a bunch of anonymous folk on the internet what you should do, rather than chat more to him about your joint feelings.

Athing
I don't think the prevailing attitudes were the same 24 years ago. I was in Uni at the time Pretty Woman came out so I do remember it clearly too.

The prevailing attitudes might have been utterly unacceptable to you but to suggest they were the same then as they are now is wrong in my view.

24 yrs ago is a lomg time if it was aone off cut him some slack or even if he did it a few times many years ago . I mean i,ve never paid anyone to sleep with me but i,ve had several dodgy one night stands in my younger wilder years that i would rather forget about now i,m a happily married[nearly middle aged] mother of two

I think if my partner made a big deal about something I did 24 years ago I would dump HIM.

My dh made a similar mistake. He won't thank me for telling you but he was travelling around Thailand and went to a massage parlour. He did not intend to pay for a prostitute, he thought he was getting a Thai massage, it wasn't a particularly seedy joint. She gave him more than a massage and he went along with it but then came away feeling dirty and ashamed.

He told me this when we'd been together about 2 years. He just blurted it out and told me how ashamed he still felt but he didn't want it to be a dirty little secret.

This is a man who does not use porn, who respects women, who is a committed father and a genuinely supportive and loving husband. He made one mistake many years ago. He let his moral guard down.

I bet we've all made mistakes. I bet we have all done one thing that we are ashamed of. How would we feel if someone chose not to forgive us even after 24 years? Even if they were not directly involved?

People change ffs.

This boyfriend might still be a wanker for all we know. But he told her because he wanted to be open and honest. He didn't want to hide anything and that's an admirable trait. Most men wouldn't have mentioned it.

I get the feeling the OP just wants to dump him anyway and wonders if this is a convenient excuse.

Applauds OneMoreChap.

But when you do dump him, don't tell him that it's over this. Tell him the truth. That you're just not getting on with him and can't be arsed chatting about your feelings and working through them.

Exactly Rhubarb.

(Haven't seen you around for a while - have you been MIA or have we just been on different threads?)

(working Chipping, last week of the month always hugely busy. Just dipping in and out really )

A young man, drunk, in Amsterdam, being egged on/pressurised by his mates.

An ashamed, more mature, otherwise decent guy who has obviously learnt by his mistake, who is honest enough to admit and tell the truth so that there are no secrets between you.

24 years ago.

What's to forgive?
Surely everybody has done things they regret and would never repeat?

You are a fool to give up something good for an admitted mistake that happened two and a half decades ago.

It's amazing the excuses that get trotted out for men paying buying women's bodies to stick their dicks in.

In reality they do it because they want to, because they think consent is something that can be obtained by coercion, because ultimately they don't think women are real people.

And they know there are a million excuses to be trotted out by society to justify it.

Because basically this is still a society that thinks women are there to be bought and sold.

Buying a prostitute is something you do and then keep a secret.

If he really got how vile it was he wouldn't be as concerned with preserving his respectable reputation as he would be with speaking out against the evil of the sex trade.

There's a big difference between being embarrassed and being truly sorry.

The Rhubarb, respect!!! Exactly right.

"Really? How many parents do think aspire to see their daughters enter the sex trade? I'm reckoning its very few."

Yeah, vanishingly few. Even amongst the denizens of punternet.

It's other people's daughters you can pay to fuck. Even better if they're foreign.

"And many prostitutes actually choose do this of their own volition, free will or whatever you want to call it."

Yes, but once there is payment there is coercion.

Anyone who is happy to penetrate someone they had to pay to allow them to do it is a defective human being.

Surely everybody has done things they regret and would never repeat?

Yes - but I would never speak about them apart from, maybe, to myself in the dark of the night. On some nights.

I'm sorry snailfiddler. The fact that he's raised it with you would raise red flags with me.

Walk on by, is my advice.

He was asked to be honest cozie, I am sure he has learnt his lesson on that score now!

AThing, are you single perchance as you see life in a very black and white way?