To want to run away and never see them again

[SilverBaubles33]

Briefly, the Alpha mums invited me for coffee and a get to know you after drop off today - there are a few of us new mums this term. The main Alpha has been really friendly, but is constantly putting herself down and comparing herself to me - I used to have a quite high-powered job, she's a bit tubby, my DDs are on a scholarship etc, and making unfavourable comments. I don't know why she needs to do it as on the face of things she's really popular, has a gorgeous house, lovely dcs, kind husband, she's thoughtful and generous etc.

Anyway, we all turned up for coffee and one of the other mums is from Holland where I used to live, so we started chatting in Dutch. I went to find the loo and Alpha was in the kitchen crying with about four friends, saying that I had ruined her coffee morning, I was an effing bitch, she wished she's never invited me etc.

They saw me in the doorway and Alpha said sorry, not having a great week, and the friends basically asked me to leave.

I asked, is it cos I spoke Dutch, sort of laughing because I thought it must be a joke or something and they said, she can't really deal with you, she feels you're always competing with her etc etc.

I am beyond embarrassed about the whole thing. I just went red and left like they asked me to. My husband said I should laugh it off but I rally don't want to see any of them again and we've got school stuff coming up in the next few weeks, I feel really sick and I've been worrying about it all day.

Should I call her? pretend it didn't happen? Speak to one of her friends? I've never come across this sort of thing before, am I BU or is she and how should I react?

Thing is, though, the OP comes across as wanting to make chums, and is worried that she's fucked up in a major way.
It's not a trivial concern at all - she's got to deal with these people for the next few years.

Wow, thanks so much for all these replies, I really appreciate your time.

I hope I will answer everything you've asked, if not apologies!

I said Alpha because one of the group called it that, she said it's like soccer moms in America where we were just living. If that's offensive, I'm really sorry! To me, they're the mums who get things done, are on the PTA, help with match teas, etc, and I thought as I wanted to get involved in the girls' school life, it would be a great starting point as they're all pretty active and social.

the stuff I said about her were the things she talks to me about in the dozen or so conversations we've had since October - she keeps telling me how fat she thinks she is, how she wished her daughters were as sporty that sort of thing - very negative about herself. They are her words, especially the 'high-powered' remark. I had a good job, now I don't work, not big deal.

The Dutch thing was about four of us sitting about chatting, the Dutch lady didn't speak much English, another mum said, Silver didn't you live there, can you speak Dutch, I said yes a bit and the Dutch lady said, in Dutch, that's great, so good to speak Dutch, how long have you been here and some chat about our kids. I answered her and translated for the others at the end, I really didn't feel that it was rude, she was so happy to speak inner native language and as English isn't my mother tongue, I could totally appreciate how that felt.

I sooty of laughed when she was crying because I felt really embarrassed, having heard what she said and wondering if it was a joke. It clearly wasn't, they asked me to go and I did.

Now I've read your replies and spoken to my husband, I'm going to try and call her when the kids are in bed and see if she's more receptive.

I think I will apologise because whatever it was, she was clearly very upset indeed and I don't want to make things hard for my girls to make friends as her daughter is in their class.

Speaking in Dutch at someone else's house is a bit "closed off" to the others. But seriously, crying over it? Slight over reaction.

We have Alpha Mums in our playground. I generally don't have much to do with the one upmanship bollocks they all trade in. These people are never really mates, its all just a sport for them along the lines of "my son is good at football", "well my son has been picked for a local team". You get the idea.

Sod her. Apologise to keep the peace, but if two of you chatted in Dutch then surely she should have moaned about both of you? She clearly has isshoos.

Crumbs out playgroup must b a nightmare. We have a few polish, Portuguese Asian Indian etc I'd think it weird if two who just met didn't natter for a bit in own/shared language.

Did u whisper? Then I'd b uncomfortable!

*our not out!

I'm glad you clarified the Dutch bit; it changes the situation.

I agree with calling her. She sounds a bit odd TBH but there's no harm in going for a fresh start.

Don't apologise, just ask if everything is alright. If she then tells you 'no you did/ said ....... ' Then you apolosise for that if you think you were in the wrong. Otherwise just say something along the lines of 'sorry you have a problem with that' and leave it as that. She sounds mad to me!

Now you've gone into more detail, yes, she does sound like a nutter. I'd do what Fairegg said.

She sounds very insecure and rather threatened by you.

OP you sound perfectly normal to me. It sounds like this other Mum is going through a bad time and she does sounds jealous of you. I would step back for a bit and let things settle. You really didn't do anything wrong. A few words in another language is not rude and you laughed because you were nervous!

She is mad. Don't apologise. Make different friends. Consider this a lucky escape.

Thanks for clearing stuff up OP.
Tbh if someone called me a fucking bitch is want a BIG apology of them especially if it was uncalled for like it seems here.

I just don't think I could be arsed with all this lot.
Jesus your friends are there for a laugh not this kind of drama.

Yes, I thought you were rude before, but now you have explained, I don't. I think that there must be something else bothering this lady. I hope she has calmed down sufficiently to explain to you why you were asked to leave.

I would call and smooth things over and then distance yourself! They all sound awful and I can imagine there is a constant whirl of silly drama surrounding them.

I would take/send flowers and go overboard with the apologies. She may indeed be having a very hard time which you don't know about (could be anything...) so fulsome apologies with gifts will make her feel better and absolve you. And flatter her fragile ego by saying you really want to be friends, even if you then steer clear.

We have coffee mornings with native speakers of all sorts chatting away to each other in their own languages. It's not rude.

And as you've now described what you did - it was the very opposite of rude.

screaming you'd take flowers to someone who called you an effing bitch for talking Dutch!

You're a better woman than me.

Yes. It is about being the bigger woman. Although that's rather unfortunate in this case.

I think you need to retaliate with a full scale Dutch themed coffee morning, windmills, clogs, bikes, waffles, costumes - the whole lot. When she arrives run off into the kitchen screeching wildly in Dutch. If she asks ou why just say you thought that was how things get sorted in this group. See how she likes them apples.

Ha I love that saying

:D :D Geraldine, that is perfect! Hey don't the Dutch have St Nicolas day next Wednesday? Go for it!

ok, now you have explained the dutch bit in more detail you weren't rude at all. I would be polite but swerve the "alphas" in future. am boggling at them describing themselves as alphas.

Sorry...she called you a fucking bitch at a school coffee morning and people are suggesting that you apologise?!

Avoid, avoid, avoid. She obviously has lots of issues that have nothing to do with you. You sound sane and reasonable, she sounds loopy or, at least, deeply unhappy and, given that she seems already to have lots of friends round her, I wouldn't get involved.

And if your school is anything like my children's (50+ languages spoken), nobody should bat an eyelid at two parents speaking briefly in another language.

Out of curiosity, if English is not your mother tongue, and you also speak dutch, what other languages do you speak?

I also agree that you have nothing to really apologize for. Other mum behaved atrociously, so rude to cry in the kitchen, say you ruined her coffee morning when you actually tried to include somebody who did not speak the language well, and then you are told to "fuck off bitch" and asked to leave.