To want to run away and never see them again

[SilverBaubles33]

Briefly, the Alpha mums invited me for coffee and a get to know you after drop off today - there are a few of us new mums this term. The main Alpha has been really friendly, but is constantly putting herself down and comparing herself to me - I used to have a quite high-powered job, she's a bit tubby, my DDs are on a scholarship etc, and making unfavourable comments. I don't know why she needs to do it as on the face of things she's really popular, has a gorgeous house, lovely dcs, kind husband, she's thoughtful and generous etc.

Anyway, we all turned up for coffee and one of the other mums is from Holland where I used to live, so we started chatting in Dutch. I went to find the loo and Alpha was in the kitchen crying with about four friends, saying that I had ruined her coffee morning, I was an effing bitch, she wished she's never invited me etc.

They saw me in the doorway and Alpha said sorry, not having a great week, and the friends basically asked me to leave.

I asked, is it cos I spoke Dutch, sort of laughing because I thought it must be a joke or something and they said, she can't really deal with you, she feels you're always competing with her etc etc.

I am beyond embarrassed about the whole thing. I just went red and left like they asked me to. My husband said I should laugh it off but I rally don't want to see any of them again and we've got school stuff coming up in the next few weeks, I feel really sick and I've been worrying about it all day.

Should I call her? pretend it didn't happen? Speak to one of her friends? I've never come across this sort of thing before, am I BU or is she and how should I react?

Well you do compete with her. Your first paragraph is just sneering at her and saying how great you are.

I read the first paragraph as paraphrasing what the Alpha mum was saying herself.

I don't think the speaking Dutch was especially polite, but not all that bad either. It sounds to me as though Alpha is rather dramatic, and blaming you for the way she feels about herself anyway. Lots of projection there. Seriously give her a wide berth.

Presumably she was asked to leave because when she came upon her hostess in tears in her kitchen, she laughed at her.

I agree brady. It feels like we're getting edited highlights of what exactly has been happening between OP and Alpha mum.

By speaking Dutch with one person, you were basically excluding the rest of the group from your conversation... at a coffee morning in one of that group's home.

That is really rude.

Total overreaction on alpha mum's part.

How long were you speaking in Dutch for, and how many other people were present at the time?

If there were other people present, were they talking among themselves?

The Dutch angle needs to be explained more fully to get a proper feel for whether it was really rude or not.

The speaking Dutch was obnoxious showing off.

If I was trying to integrate some new faces into a social group and invited them to a small social event I was hosting, and two of them started chatting away in a language nobody else understood, I would think they were dicks.

I wouldn't cry about it. But I wouldn't seek their company any more.

Speaking a language unknown to part of a group - rather rude.
Crying about it to friends in the kitchen - completely loony.

Make some other friends.

Interesting reaction there AThingInYourLife.

OP, Yes you were a bit rude speaking in another language, but she did overreact as if thats spoiled the whole morning she sounds like a bit of a drama llama.

Easiest way to deal with this is to speak to her and apologise for speaking in Dutch, that you hadn't meant to offend her. If she doesn't accept then steer well clear. To be honest, I'd steer clear anyway.

I dunno about the Dutch issue. I speak some Swedish, and met some Swedes at a party a few years back, and we started talking in (very basic in my case) Swedish in front of friends. It wasn't showing of because:

a: my chums pointed and laughed and started doing the hurdy gurdy Swedish chef routine....
b: they were my chums and everyone was already comfortable - no hidden agenda
c: I was so chuffed to get a chance to speak a bit of Swedish, and they were so chuffed to laugh at meet a British person that they could abuse and force to say seven help out
d: no one was left out (IYSWIM) it was fun for participants and onlookers

If it was a fleeting convo, and you weren't in the middle of the other group, I don't think it was that bad.

I honestly cant believe the op is'nt getting more of a flaming than this-phrases such as "alpha mums","tubby" "high powered job" are not painting the op in the best og lights.

YABU op-and rude and nasty to boot....

I think the OP meant that the 'alpha mum' was always putting herself down thinking she's a bit tubby, comparing herself to OP because OPhad high powered job etc.

But the post really doesn't make much sense as it stands. I would like to hear the version of someone else who was at the coffee morning.

Iused to have a quite high-powered job, she's a bit tubby, my DDs are on a scholarship etc, and making unfavourable comments

Which bit of this ^^ is comparing. Comparing would be 'she is tubby, I am a size 4' or 'i user to have a high powered job, she didn't'.

The op reads like the reasons you think you are better than her.

OP can you clarify who is saying what? You flip between she/I/my and I can't tell if she is saying those things about you, you are saying them about her or if it's a combination of the two?

Also why did you label her alpha mum? Do you think you were a bit pre-disposed to dislike her a little or is the label due to what happened?
The dutch thing probably wasn't the smartest of things to do.

If you are intent on fixing things, you would do better to do it whilst she is by herself than in a group of people.
Maybe she is having a bad day, just because someone looks like their life is amazing, doesn't mean it is. You don't know the ins and outs but her closer friends might and you could have been caught in the crossfire.

I think the OP was nervous to begin with, and grabbed onto any common ground that she could find with anyone.

Oh and I bet you wouldn't have bothered going for coffee had it been the 'beta' mums that had asked you.

Would 'beta' be the correct term. I am not used to insulting and categorising people.

I think that the OP is quite keen to make some friends regardless of their status.
Unfortunately alpha parents are a fact of school life - but they only get to you as far as you let them.

She sounds like one of those women that slags herself off but you are expected to reassure her about how amazing she is (i.e. "fishing" for compliments). Have you been doing that or might that be an additional reason for her taking offence?

It doesn't sounds a very nice group of people. Do you actually want to bother with all that drama?

I think it was a bit rude to speak in Dutch, but depends on context.

What makes a group of mums the 'alpha mums'? Genuine question.

"I know, imagine crying, or being insecure!

What a fucking bitch she must be.

As well as fat.!"

Steady on! No-one's saying she's a bitch. And what's being fat got to do with anything? But honestly, everyone and his dog's insecure these days. I'm rather insecure myself. I'd still never slag someone off while they're still in my house, and although I'm pretty wet it would take more than a two guests talking in a language I didn't understand to make me cry. If she had that much of a problem with Silver, why on earth did she invite her over in the first place? She sounds like an attention-seeking nightmare, and I think it's a big shame Silver has been left feeling so embarassed and awkward.

Wow.
Um.. you were nervous and she's admitted she's having a bad week. I reckon it's worth another shot.
Take a deep breath, phone up and say you're really sorry you were just so excited to get a chance to speak Dutch again, and you didn't mean to make anyone feel awkward you were just a bit nervous because everyone seems to be close friends and you'd love to get to know them a bit more.
She can either go 'God yes, sorry was having a bit of a funny day, don't worry about it' or 'You and your clogs will never darken my door again'.

Ooh, blimey! Big question there, Jane.
I can see ours now.....but it's hard to describe. I think they tend to elect themselves, really, and other people take them at their own estimation.

Errrrr....at our place, it's the wealthy ones, big houses, popular children because the parents do lots of networking for them. Several expensive holidays a year, expensive clothes, well-connected.
They're not necessarily unpleasant people, far from it, in fact, but they can be quite intimidating if you're new to an area or to the school/nursery thing.

I'm with those saying that referring to people as alpha mums is horrible and sneering. She's just a mum, who tried to include you, and you are nasty about her behind her back and speak in a language she can't understand in her house. She probably thought you were talking and laughing about her or something.

How about you ring her up and say sorry for upsetting her and invite her round to yours for a coffee or something so you can get to know each other properly. She's probably very nice, but a little insecure. Has it occurred to you that your high powered job and scholarship kids make you seem a bit perfect and alpha yourself?

I'd still never slag someone off while they're still in my house

Lets forget the fact that she instantly apologised and told the OP she was having a hard week. The op laughed.

Possibly could be that she is having an awful week. Somebody on the family ill, Dh asked a divorce sort of shit week.

Thanks Minou.

It all sounds a bit cheerleadery and Beverley Hills 90210 for me.

The alpha thing is a kind of shorthand, really.
I'm trying to think how they'd be if they were schoolkids - they'd be the popular, good-looking, sporty ones who were also academic.