To want to run away and never see them again

[SilverBaubles33]

Briefly, the Alpha mums invited me for coffee and a get to know you after drop off today - there are a few of us new mums this term. The main Alpha has been really friendly, but is constantly putting herself down and comparing herself to me - I used to have a quite high-powered job, she's a bit tubby, my DDs are on a scholarship etc, and making unfavourable comments. I don't know why she needs to do it as on the face of things she's really popular, has a gorgeous house, lovely dcs, kind husband, she's thoughtful and generous etc.

Anyway, we all turned up for coffee and one of the other mums is from Holland where I used to live, so we started chatting in Dutch. I went to find the loo and Alpha was in the kitchen crying with about four friends, saying that I had ruined her coffee morning, I was an effing bitch, she wished she's never invited me etc.

They saw me in the doorway and Alpha said sorry, not having a great week, and the friends basically asked me to leave.

I asked, is it cos I spoke Dutch, sort of laughing because I thought it must be a joke or something and they said, she can't really deal with you, she feels you're always competing with her etc etc.

I am beyond embarrassed about the whole thing. I just went red and left like they asked me to. My husband said I should laugh it off but I rally don't want to see any of them again and we've got school stuff coming up in the next few weeks, I feel really sick and I've been worrying about it all day.

Should I call her? pretend it didn't happen? Speak to one of her friends? I've never come across this sort of thing before, am I BU or is she and how should I react?

Crikey, I hope this mum doesn't ever have to live where I do. People here regularly speak welsh in such situations (I'm not a welsh speaker), I have no problems with that unless it's only 3 of us and the other 2 are speaking welsh exclusively with no attempt to allow me to join in the conversation, but I doubt this was what you and the Dutch lady did. She sounds like a nutter. Smile politely and hold your head up high, she's the one who ought to feel embrassed not you.

I agree with someone up thread that it sounds like OP is downplaying her part - it also sounds like there's already a backstory to their relationship, so the woman wouldn't be crying just because of today's events.

Hard to judge as we weren't present, but just by reading your post I get the feeling you aren't particularly nice to her so why bother?

"What makes a group of mums the 'alpha mums'? Genuine question."

Often it is the categorisation by a former "high flier" who now finds herself an outsider in a social group she thinks is beneath her but still wants to join.

We need more details about the Dutch-speaking episode.
How long was it, where were the others? When did they migrate into the kitchen, and from where?

Why did you say she was tubby? On reading your OP again properly you sound a bit mean. Why did you speak in Dutch to your other friend?

minou you're right, I suspect the language thing is just piling on to the insecurities the host mum must be experiencing.

I would also like to hear more about these gin mornings.

I don't get what is so unbelievably offensive about speaking a different language for a couple of sentences in front of a group of people. What the hell?

If I came across that silly, dramatic scene in the kitchen I would probably laugh a bit too, out of nervousness and secondhand embarrassment for the other woman.

OP I would give her a call and clear the air.

Did someone mention Gin??

Good grief get a job or get a life, it sounds crazy that grown women are getting upset about this sort of thing.

Thing is, where we are (I suspect it's a v similar environment to yours, Greeneggs), it's like the Tower of Babel, so you just get used to it.
Also, I might be spectacularly naive, but I've never assumed that when others are conversing in another language that they're talking about me. I'm really not worth the bother!

There are certain rules that have to be abided by, though...I find it works out that every few sentences you'll get the precised version from the person you know best.

Also, if you're around a particular language enough, you start chipping in, albeit in English, and it goes from there.

Sounds like she was rude but do you think it was excluding others because you were both speaking Dutch? Was it a couple of sentences or was it 20 mins?

Same here minouminou, it wouldn't occur to me for a second to run off dramatically crying into my kitchen because someone was having a chat in a different language - because practically everyone I know round where I live slips in and out of different languages! Good grief.

It just sounds like the AlphaMum is highly stressed atm and the best thing you can do is apologise for any upset you have caused her.

"Good grief get a job or get a life, it sounds crazy that grown women are getting upset about this sort of thing."

Yeah, fucking women and their trivial concerns!

They should go out to work where people only talk about really, really important things.

This "alpha" mum stuff is most strange. Don't speak to one of her friends about this, I agree as someone posted upthread about taking the "are you OK" line rather than OMG so sorry I upset you line".

Completely amazed that a group of women would refer to themselves, without irony, as "alpha mums".

I think its the op who has used that phrase, not anyone else?

I've found that Dutch and British social norms are extremely different, and that Dutch people can unintentionally come across as rude / blunt / overly demanding in the UK (and the British people come across as mad, secretive and easily offended). I think that because many Dutch people speak such good English, British people tend to assume they're also using the same social rules, and so the cultural differences are all the more surprising.

Do you think that something like this might have been going on, OP?

I'm with you there hackmum

OP - go and get a job or a hobby and leave this bunch of mums to do whatever it is they do all day.

Yes, Grendel's mum - I can see that. I think, if challenged, the Dutch mum would have responded with: "I haven't spoken Dutch for two weeks. I'm enjoying it."

End of story.
Good analysis there.