to be furious with my DM for screwing up my perfect future?

[ICBINEG]

It was all very simple....she and my DF were going to move to the seaside and live in a beach hut...the grandchildren would go visit and learn to build sandcastles....

Instead my DM is dying and has been given a low chance of making it through another year.

How can my DM possibly teach my DD to knit/sew/cook and a million other things she was supposed to do if she doesn't make it to my DD second birthday?

How can she have screwed up the very simple task of staying alive till at least 100?

On a scale of 1 to massively U, how U is it that anger is forming a significant part of my reaction to this news?

Please come tell me this is normalish or shout some fecking compassion into me or something...anything.

It is shit. It is fucking unfair. How dare this happen right now with no regard for anybody, it's fucking disgraceful.

I'm with the others icbineg, I've had more years alive without my mum than I did with her, what kind of bullshit is that?

As sickly as it sounds, if that's the deal and that's all I get, I'd choose those years and the relationship we had over never having her at all.

None of the sadness or anger ever truly goes because there's never a good reason for it to have happened at all, it does calm though and it doesn't block out the good things to remember.

Talk to your mum lovely, there's no rule book saying you have to fix a smile on your face every time you see her, she's probably going through the same mix of emotions and trying to figure out how to support you. I was a teenager with my mum, and I distinctly remember the night we talked about her prognosis, we grieved together for her life and our relationship. It was very sad, but it was a moment that I believed we both needed dearly.

YNBU
my MIL died in 2003 she was only 50, my DD1 was nine at the time and so close to her nan, I was so angry that she had broken my little girls heart and there was nothing I could do to make it better, I was so angry that she had left us all so sudden without a chance to say goodbye .. in fact just writing this and admitting that I felt this way is a weight off my shoulders, I have felt so guilty for being angry at my MIL, it's comforting to know I am not the only one.

Please make the most of what you have. We had no warning that my dad was going to die - I just got a phone call one random evening in February to say that he was gone - he was 65 and just booked a holiday for him and my mum but didn't ever get up from the computer desk.

It is horrible; it is unfair; it is fine to be angry. But please make the most of it.

ICBINEG

Offers a hand.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Your reaction is so normal. My mum died when I was a teenager and my dad a few years ago. I found that I went through a stage of needing to wallow in my feelings and get them out there before I could collect myself together and deal with the fact that one of my parents was dying.

We had a great family holiday with my dad (in the UK) whilst he was still well enough and just watching him feed the ducks with my sons meant a lot.

It does feel very unfair when it happens but there are some lovely suggestions on this thread for celebrating your time with your DM now.

Hanahsaunt, it's hard to explain to people, well I don't even try, but I can't imagine how awful it would be to have no warning, no time. At least with a longer illness you have time to prepare yourself....

Sorry about your dad x

It is really really unfair.
I have a beautiful brave friend who should in all honesty be dead. However, she is busy sucking every last drop out of life. She writes an amazing blog called Bottomsupcancer. This is keep a wonderful record of her journey a it is a huge roller coaster. It is worth a read to get some ideas.
It is normal to be angry, but don't let it get in the way.

I'm so sorry for you. I would be totally furious too.

I would be angry too, I still am sometimes, my mum died when I was 15 so now lived longer without her than with her.

My regret is that I didn't find out more about her, what she was like when she was younger, who her friends were,all kinds of things I should have asked and didn't. I told her I loved her lots though. I have nothing of value or wisdom to add other than I know how you feel.

MY DH has been angry since his nana died 2 months ago. It was just awful and a huge shock to us all. She'd had various ill-health but none of us believed it would happen and when it did suddenly, it was so raw. It's been horrible, sad and yes an angry time.

We just treasure the fact that the week before she died we invited her over for ds' first day of school. We expected to her to say no (she preffered to be at home due to health) but she came, she saw him in his uniform, got pictures etc and we are just SO PLEASED we have that time to remember. And the picture of the 4 generations of Nana, Mil, DH & ds.

Hugs to all who are going through/have been through this. It's just so horrible.

I am so sorry. It is bloody awful. I don't have children but am very aware that if I or my brother do then my mother will never see them... and she would have LOVED having grandchildren.

As everyone else says, DON'T feel guilty about feeling angry. I spent years consumed with self-hatred for having thoughts like these... it did me no good and retrospect was a total waste of time and nervous energy.

Do find a couple of people who understand in real life. I had two friends (by no means my closest friends) who understood and would let me drink too much wine and dump the contents of my head on them.... it was enormously helpful and I will always be grateful to them.

I've just had a good cry... I'm 48 and my mum died 2 1/2 years ago aged 65. It was way to soon and (after being in remission) so quick at the end, that I never got to do or say the things I wanted to.
My way at the time was to get on with as normal a life as possible, but I know that I have such a lot of anger left, and as much as I like to think I have moved on, I don't really think I have. This thread just helped a lot.
Its silly things like, she was such a fantastic crocheter, and with all the re-emergence of crocheting at the moment, I just wish that she was here to help me with it, because I am absolutely rubbish at it! And it makes me angry that my daughter will never be shown those skills by her grandmother, in the way my grandmother taught me to knit.
Also that she will never see any of the productions that her grandchildren have been or will be in, because she would have burst with pride. There is so much more....

ICBINEG for you. It's terribly hard. We're having the same thing with my Mum. This will probably be her last Christmas with us. She was given about 6 months to live, but that was back in March and she's still with us, but I fear she won't be here by next Christmas.

My DS's paternal grandfather quite suddenly died a month ago after having been given quite a good prognosis.

So, be angry, it's quite normal as you can see from everyone's posts.....

I'm very sorry. It is very normal to feel anger and hurt. It has probably been mentioned a couple of times but, take loads of photo's with you doing ordinary things. Videos of how to sew, find out recipes of what you wanted her to teach your DD.

Every question you've always wanted to ask, nows your time to find out everything you want know. Have you thought about maybe a picture memory blanket for you DD. not sure if it's something you want to look into, just a thought.

You can never prepare yourself for what's to come, so enjoy every moment you can. Once again I'm very sorry. :(

So sorry for you. My mum died when I was 17 and never got to be a Granny and am really angry about that even now 28 days later because she would have been fantastic just like your Mum would have been.
I would say talk, talk and talk some more and ask her everything you will ever want to know because that's another regret that I didn't really know her and we never got that adult relationship that might have allowed me to know her.
Thinking of you and your family x

It's hard to bear, isn't it? Such sad news, OP. Not quite the same territory, but I'm still absolutely furious with my beloved FiL for having a massive stroke last year - how could he not know it was going to happen and have prevented it? He is still with us, but it has robbed him of his speech and reduced him to a shadow of himself. He is the only proper grandparent my children have - genuinely adored them, thought everything they did was brilliant and was generous to a fault. Like many of you, I wish I'd taken more pictures and videos when we could. My own parents are alive and well but couldn't care less which saddens me even more.

Its perfectly normal, my mum died suddenly 8 weeks ago and i am still so cross with her for leaving dad alone when he is only 65 and mostly for dropping dead in front of my sister who then had to perform cpr on her. Make the most of what time you have left with your mum, i know i did not always see eye to eye with my mum but god i miss her. Memories are wonderful to have and they are what keeps me going... Take care xx

So sorry about your Mum.

YANBU in the slightest. Dylan Thomas had it right when he said :

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light"

My Mum died 4.5 years ago, suddenly at the age of 64. She was a fabulous person and a brilliant GM. I am absolutely FURIOUS with her for leaving us and for my youngest DC, not knowing her at all.

Sorry you're having to go through this ICBNIG. Life SUCKS sometimes.

I'm so very sorry icenberg

On a scale of 1 to massively U that did make me laugh out loud in spite of everything.

It is extremely normal. Of course you are angry, but not at her. Not at her. It just feels like that now. I am so sorry.

My Dm died after a long illness 6.5 years ago. She wrote us all letters and hid them somewhere. She didn't remember where in the end.

My DF is talking about selling their home and is sad that after all this time these letters haven't surfaced! I'm so mad but slightly amused that we'll have to say "if you find any envelopes in between floorboards, please give us a call."

Oh OP I'm so sorry :( I'm sure utter fury at the total pointlessness and unfairness of it all is 100% normal and natural xx

Im so sorry, its totally and completely unfair!
The anger is totally normal. My nan mostly raised me, she died 5 years ago I'd just found out i was pregnant with my first baby, i was so so angry that she left me when i needed her so badly. She was my best friend, my confidant, she made me who I am. I will never stop missing her and wanting her til the day I die.
Again I'm so sorry - its shit!

I totally get it. My mum said she wanted to teach my baby about nature, gardening, walking, animals etc. Would take him on holiday and for day trips. Then my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I'm angry she won't be able to do the things she wanted. I'm also angry at people who don't value their life and are still here yet my poor mum who loves life is dying. I'm angry that other people get their mum for longer.
The anger has been one of the strongest emotions since finding out.
My thoughts are with your family