to be furious with my DM for screwing up my perfect future?

[ICBINEG]

It was all very simple....she and my DF were going to move to the seaside and live in a beach hut...the grandchildren would go visit and learn to build sandcastles....

Instead my DM is dying and has been given a low chance of making it through another year.

How can my DM possibly teach my DD to knit/sew/cook and a million other things she was supposed to do if she doesn't make it to my DD second birthday?

How can she have screwed up the very simple task of staying alive till at least 100?

On a scale of 1 to massively U, how U is it that anger is forming a significant part of my reaction to this news?

Please come tell me this is normalish or shout some fecking compassion into me or something...anything.

[TigerFeet]

I'm sat here snivelling like a total loon at this thread.. my Dad died almost exactly 20 years ago to the day and I've never stopped being furious at him. He never met my dh, didn't give me away when I got married, never met his two granddaughters, they would have ADORED one another I reckon.

I suppose the biggest difference between myself and many of you on this thread is that my Dad committed suicide. I know in my head that he must have been desperately unwell to make this choice for himself and for his family, but MAN I am PISSED OFF with him about it even now.

Lots of love to you OP, I hope you can make some wonderful memories with your Mum that you'll treasure forever.

[Greythorne]

Heartbreaking thread.

My own dear godmother who was my friend, my touchstone, my confidante, my mentor died when she was 40, I was 18. To fucking breastcancer. She had ever married, never had children, had had a shit life and then cancer got her at 40.

My DD is named after her.

There's not a day goes by without me looking at my DDs and wondering what she would think, say to them, do with them. I know she would have adored them. I miss her so much, I miss her every day. I miss talking to her and being with her. She was so funny and caustic and kind and generous and insecre. she was so old-fashioned and yet so open-minded. She never had a bank card, only used cash. She loved taking me to the cinema. She used to make frozen pizza for tea with a tomato salad because I was 17 and fussy. She bought me stamps so I could keep in touch when I went to uni. she wrote me a goodbye note when she was days away from dying, her handwriting unrecognisable, riddled with errors, but so full of love and so precious to me.

I will never get over her loss. I don' t know how i have managed the past 22 years without her. And the thought that my Ds know her only as a name, a few photos, is horrifying. Sje should be here, she would only be early sixties now.

She should be here. I would do anything to see her smile at my DDs.

[Greythorne]

Like previous posters, I also dream about her...and then wake up absolutely fucking livid that it was only a dream.

[PanickingIdiot]

Sorry OP, and everyone else. It sucks.

And yes, anger is normal.

Bastarding cancer.

[uwaga]

I'm so sorry. My mum died just over 2 years ago when my son was only 7 months old. She has missed so much and I feel so sad and jealous and angry when I see Grannies spending time with their GC. But as many other people have said, I do feel her with me in the songs I sing with my son, our little sayings and even in the way I'm constantly reminding him to say 'pardon' and not 'what'!
Only recently I found a whole stack of letters she wrote to my grandparents when I was small and I loved reading about her life when she was my age and at the same life stage. I only wish I had more - I would give anything for a letter containing some wry, funny words of wisdom from her to help me in my own parenting journey.
All the very best to you and yours OP.

[NetworkGuy]

Sorry to hear the sad news. Make the most of the time available. Can sort of understand how it buggers up plans, but as you say, in a way good to have a bit of warning, but act like it's double the actual time just in case your Mum gets too tired/unwell to do things as time goes on.

I was about 6 when my dad died, but had Mum and three elder sisters (approx 10 years older than me) and half-brother 20 years older (our Mum was married, had a baby, and widowed in around 18 months when she was 18/19, then married again 6 years later). Feel sure both your DM and DF will be pleased to know they have whatever support you can give.

Yes, take a few days (of anger) to come to terms with this, but then get on with life - your DD will not know how bad this news is for you, but maybe you could video some chats with your Mum about when you were a baby/young and how life was back then for your Mum... it will be a bit of history from her GM for when your DD is older and able to take in how much you had hoped her GM would get to know DD, etc, but that it wasn't to be.

I guess I was able to "take it in" at 6 but might not have been if I had been younger, even though youngsters learn about hamsters and fish dying...

[wigglesrock]

I have never forgiven my godparents - my Mums sister and my Dads brother for dying within a year of each other when I was 21/22. I was so close to my uncle (both my grandfathers had died before I was born), he was like my Grandad - he taught me to ride a bike, he bought me books and sparkly shit , he also bought me my first bit of proper jewellery. Like other posters I would have loved my children to have met them.

[expatinscotland]

'I suppose the biggest difference between myself and many of you on this thread is that my Dad committed suicide. I know in my head that he must have been desperately unwell to make this choice for himself and for his family, but MAN I am PISSED OFF with him about it even now.'

He was very unwell. If I did not have my two surviving children, I would not be able, for anyone, to endure the pain of losing my little daughter. I don't believe in God or the afterlife, either. I would end my life if it weren't for them.

[ratbagcatbag]

My family is pretty pants and I will never see my dad again as he's a nasty man, instead two people became massively important to me and filled in the role of father and grandfather. I'm so cross that they aren't here anymore and I'm now pregnant, they would both be so pleased :( and would dote on my little one.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

expat
That's heartbreaking. There are no words...

[ThisIsMummyPig]

I just want to say that this is in many ways the best AIBU thread I have ever read. It just puts everything into persective.

I only wish you didn't have the experiences to write it with.

[TenMinutesLate]

I'm so sorry for all these posts, and I cannot actually read them all, it's just so bloody heartbreaking and truly, my heart goes out to you all.

My MIL died just over 2 years ago, went into hospital after feeling faint, 10 days later she was gone; the last 3 she was on life support. When it came to turning off her machines we were all there to say our goodbyes when my DH came in and started yelling & shouting at her, swearing his head off.....the anger literally exploded, he literally could not believe she would do this to him. I had to pull him away. It was the most awful, devastating evening of my life.

My DH loved his Mum, they were really the best of friends, worked together too....saw each other every day, pretty much all day. It's like he is missing a vital piece to him and he will never be the same.

But I just wanted to say anger is perfectly normal, and you're not to feel guilty about it. And that I am so so sorry x

My DD was 3.5 when her Nanny died and she chats about her all the time. She remembers the jigsaws, the food she cooked (burnt!), my DD favourite fruit was always in her Chanel bag, her perfume collection....We have photos everywhere in the house and is always
remembered, my DS had only just turned 1 so doesn't have these memories which makes my DH madder still.

I still can't believe this has happened to us to be honest x

[lovebunny]

my heart is breaking for you. anger is perfectly normal.

many years ago, when my mum phoned to tell me she was making another attempt at suicide (she failed again) i had a very strong sensation that no matter what the outcome, she would always be with me (in a very positive way). so i don't think your mum will leave you, even though she won't be available as she is at present. i don't know what you believe. maybe that thought won't help. but i am so sorry and i wish things were different for you.

[lovebunny]

i've read all the posts now. i went from sobbing, really sobbing, to wailing for expat and her loss. reading this thread reminded me how i used to love my mum, how close we were, decades ago, and how little of that is left, and how very, very angry i am. i'm glad i remembered. thank you.

[prettybird]

My big sadness is that although ds was 6.5 when mum had her accident (head injury), the way that she changed afterwards has left such a strong image in ds' mind that he can't remember what she was like before the accident. And the last 3 years were particularly bad as she declined, so even the initial recovery has been overshadowed :(

ICBINEG: make sure you've got lots of good memories and occasions to talk about, describe and simply remember for and behalf of your dd - and for you

[flow4]

I still sometimes get angry with my mum for dying and leaving my children without a grandma. And she died when I was a teenager, nearly 30 years ago, 20 years before my eldest was born.

What you're feeling is perfectly natural. It's not fair. I'm so sorry.

[paddingtonbear1]

I feel your pain OP. My mum died of cancer when dd was only 1. She did everything right re diet, no smoking and drinking - but her cancer was missed until it was too late. She only lived for 6 months after diagnosis.
Dd has struggled at school - I often think, mum was a teacher and would have helped her.
Life's just not fair is it?! Much love to you xx

[Learning70]

So it's not just me them. The beginning of my dads Alzheimer's diagnosis was just 8 weeks after my second child was born. Fast forward five years and my lovely boy has lots of problems, almost certainly ASD related and I am having a shit time sorting this out. My dad is now dying a slow death in hospital. If I was a gambling girl I would lay bets my dad's death will come at the same time as my son's diagnosis. It's going to take a while to untangle this one in my head.

[paddingtonbear1]

Also.. Mum did an album of photos before she died, so dd would be able to see what she looked like and the things she enjoyed doing. Dd is now 9 and has looked at it often.

[ICBINEG]

I am truly sorry that this has reopened painful wounds for people. Yet another unintended consequence of being so rage filled and self-centred at the moment.

All I can say in balance is that I very much appreciate the perspective I am gaining, the relief that my reaction isn't off the scale bonkers and all the wonderful ideas for making the most of things.

Okay so now to try and sleep....last night when DD woke me up for milk the pillow was soaked and it seems I had been crying in my sleep. At least that means I am capable of reaching the sad phase even if only while unconscious...

Best wishes all!

[Charleymouse]

So sorry ICBINEG.

No you are NBU.

I am still furious with my wonderful Dad for dying of a heart attack aged 59. DH and I had just decided to try for a baby and I was contemplating the pros and cons of telling him this and the selfish git just dropped down dead.

He smoked and drank and was overweight and I am so pissed off with him for doing this when he knew he had heart problems. It makes me very angry that he died without knowing he may be a Grandad soon. It makes me even madder that my pregnancy was to tinged with sadness as it followed his dying and to top it all MIL selfishly passed away the same bloody year whilst I was pregnant. She couldn't even be arsed to wait until DD was born. The pair if them make me so mad. FFS how could they do his to me and their DC and themselves. It makes me so cross.

I also recommend "Grandmother Remembers" I bought this for my Nana and she filled some of it in and I love just looking at her handwriting.

So no YANBU. My anger is only occasional now but the sadness is overwhelming.

Sending you hugs and prayers.

[flow4]

"So rage filled and self-centred"

[WilsonFrickett]

Completely agree ^^ flow