to be furious with my DM for screwing up my perfect future?

[ICBINEG]

It was all very simple....she and my DF were going to move to the seaside and live in a beach hut...the grandchildren would go visit and learn to build sandcastles....

Instead my DM is dying and has been given a low chance of making it through another year.

How can my DM possibly teach my DD to knit/sew/cook and a million other things she was supposed to do if she doesn't make it to my DD second birthday?

How can she have screwed up the very simple task of staying alive till at least 100?

On a scale of 1 to massively U, how U is it that anger is forming a significant part of my reaction to this news?

Please come tell me this is normalish or shout some fecking compassion into me or something...anything.

[minouminou]

So many sad stories here, but what seems obvious is that everyone feels anger at the deaths. However, we don't seem to express it much publicly. OP, I think you've been brave to admit it, even though you thought you'd be in for a slating. What you've done is to encourage other people to talk about their anger, so I hope this thread helps you - you're in for a tough few months, so at least you'll know you don't have to be angry at or appalled by your reactions....just go with them.

[FriendlyLadybird]

I am so, so sorry to hear this. Of course you are angry.

My father died when DS was 3 but he made an enormous impression. DS (now ten) remembers him so clearly and speaks about him all the time to DD (4), who never met him. He is still a big part of their lives.

It's not going to be how you imagined it, but she is still, and will always be, your children's Grandma.

[Mrsjay]

I am so very sorry about your mother [hug] heartbreaking your reaction is normal you want your daughter to have her grandmother around.

my mil died when dd2 was 3 and i felt she was cheated , ( selfish and silly i know)

[Cahoootz]

Oh, this is such a sad thread. I am so sorry about your Mum icebenig . My DM is the loveliest DM in the world and I would be pretty cheesed off if she doesn't live to be the worlds oldest Granny.

You must, of course, try to do lots of lovely things with your parents but you mustn't worry if everything isn't perfect. It may be that your DM might want to carry on as normal and not want to do anything too different from usual.

and a virtual hug too.

[BartimaeusNeedsMoreSleep]

I'm so so sorry OP and everyone else who has lost a parent/close grandparent.

My mum is still angry with her dad who died 26 years ago. He was 78 and his mum died aged 99. My mum felt cheated of 20 years with him.

I'm already a bit angry with MIL because when she dies it will destroy DH (single mum, only child, very close, almost no other family). I make sure that we have lots of photos with her, DH and DS every time we see her just in case (it sounds morbid but she's in her 70s).

I love the idea of the grandparent journal upthread and we'll be buying that as a present from DS this Christmas.

I grew up with no grandparents (3 died before my birth, 1 when I was 4) and to be honest, it was my mum that suffered the most (knowing what I/her parents were missing out on) rather than me.

Only now I have a DS who has 3 grandparents do I see what it's like.

[Frontpaw]

Both my parents very selfishly upped and died before I was 40. Honestly, the cheek of some people.

They were going to live in our old family home, and DS was going to go and spend long summers there, fishing and horse riding, and having long weird chats with my dad, who could answer all his many technical and difficult questions, and mum would make him steak and kidney pie and pick apples from the orchard.

Definitely robbed.

[expatinscotland]

My mother wishes she would have been the one to die and not my 9-year-old daughter.

[wintersnight]

I'm so sorry. As everyone else has said it's completely normal to be furious. My dad died in an accident and I was furious with him for months. I was also furious with my father in law and couldn't bear to see him. He is a lovely man but at the time I wished it was him who died (horrible thing to wish but that's what grief does to you.)

[SueDoku]

Oh expat - I was already in tears at this but you have tipped me over into proper sobbing... I feel for you so much ((hugs))

[Lemonylemon]

Oh, expat....

[AndFanjoWasHisNameO]

so so sorry, totally understandable for you to be feeling this way x
And expat ((((())))) x

[Littlebitwoo]

hugstto you all that have lost someone. my father in law is one of the loveliest people ever and he was diagnosed with terminal cancer this year just after DS born. We had so many plans, football with grandpa, days out at the park...I just want him to still be here for Christmas

[BartimaeusNeedsMoreSleep]

Expat

Death is so shit itsn't it

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

It's heartbreaking how much loss there is and how much it hurts :(

[BikeRunSki]

YANBU

I am still pissed off with my Dad for dying when I was 23 (nearly 20 years ago) and never meeting his grandchildren, I am pissed off with my brother that the only grandchild DF did meet was my his eldest (who was 2), and that I never knew my dad as an adult (he got ill when I was 12).

I am also pissed off with my GF for dying before I was 21. He was going to take me to London, buy me a frock and take me to dinner at Simpson's on the Stand.

[mypussyiscalledCaramel]

My Dad died 3 months after DS2 was born, although my son was the on DGC to smile at him.

He died a month after his 59th birthday, I never got a chance to give him his grandad card. He was going to retire and move to France when he was 60. It pissed me off then and still pisses me off now that he never got that opportunity.

DS1 was 8 at the time, so he did have some time with him and they used to do woodwork together.

Now I am angry because my Mum has MND, she is 65. I will be robbed of both my parents before I should be. My DGP's lived until their 90's.

Anger is only the half of it for me, I am also suffering from very bad depression.


Hugs to you.

[prettybird]

My dad is 75 (76 at Christmas) is not allowed to die for another 20+ years which he should have been able to spend with mum :(

He's off at the New Year to his aunt's birthday. She is his mum's older sister and will be 100. His own mum lived to 89 - and had she been in Europe would probably have matched her sister's longevity.

[ICBINEG]

Oh gosh what a lot of posts...will get reading.

[ICBINEG]

I said it earlier but I will say it again - it is just too damn shit that losing people is so terrible and so terribly frequent an event. How dare something so inevitable hurt so much?

If anyone wants to join me in a collective act of screaming "fuck you cancer" at the sky tonight then feel free.

So sorry to all of you who have experienced similar and worse...and I certainly promise to make the most of the warning I have been given!

Some fantastic ideas! Especially the bedtime stories one...hopefully DM will agree to recording some for her grandchildren.... and maybe for me too...

[thegreylady]

My mum died in 1993.She went into hospital for some tests and died a week later :(
I miss her so much-she didn't see her beloved gc married and she didnt get to meet their children.
Your post op has made me realise how grateful I should be that she did see them grow up [they were 19 and 23 when she died] and shared some of herself with them.
Thank you.

[ThePoppyAndTheIvy]

I have just found this thread but am with you 100% OP. My lovely mum died from the bastard that is cancer 10 weeks ago . My DD, who my mum adored, was just 13 months old at the time.

My darling dad died in 2003, also from cancer. It is shit beyond shit.

Hugs to you expat as ever (and I don't care how unmumsnetty that is). I know how bloody much it hurts to lose your parents, but to lose a child is a whole new level .

[thegreylady]

My dh though died when dc were 12 and 16 :(
Grieving is so hard.
I agree about cancer-it took my mum and I had breast cancer 6+ years ago so it may be lurking still.
My wish is to live long enough for dgc to remember me.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I'll (un)happily join the "that bastard Cancer" club as it killed my DM, DSM and DF.

My mum died in her early 50's more than 20 years ago. One of the lessons I learnt from that is to do stuff now. Don't keep putting off doing things that might be fun until you have more time or saving everything for retirement.

My kids wanted to go ice skating at one of the open air rinks last year I didn't really want to go because I am overweight and crap at ice skating and was scared of falling over. But I did it anyway and my kids still talk about it a year later, its now a family memory and I am really glad I went.

[turningvioletviolet]

16 years and 4 months ago I told my dfather i was pregnant with his first grandchild. 16 years and 3 months ago df told me he had cancer. pretty much 16 years ago to the day df died. Selfish b**r, he pretty much ruined my pregnancy. Never quite forgiven him for that.

I won't pretend he was a baby person, or even a small child person come to that. But I stand strong in my belief that he would have been beyond proud of the amazing 15 year old young man we now have (named after his grandad). In my day dreams i see df watching ds (a v talented rugby player, and df adored rugby) proudly from the touchline.

Too sad. So sorry for you op.