to be furious with my DM for screwing up my perfect future?

[ICBINEG]

It was all very simple....she and my DF were going to move to the seaside and live in a beach hut...the grandchildren would go visit and learn to build sandcastles....

Instead my DM is dying and has been given a low chance of making it through another year.

How can my DM possibly teach my DD to knit/sew/cook and a million other things she was supposed to do if she doesn't make it to my DD second birthday?

How can she have screwed up the very simple task of staying alive till at least 100?

On a scale of 1 to massively U, how U is it that anger is forming a significant part of my reaction to this news?

Please come tell me this is normalish or shout some fecking compassion into me or something...anything.

[BlissfullyIgnorant]

Ouch! How could she? In a non-Kevin-the-teenager way, that is so unfair.
Slap her with this

[prettybird]

Anger is a normal and necessary part of the grief process. Usually it comes after the initial sorrow - but it can often be mixed up.

My mum died earlier this year (although she "died" as a real person a few years ago :() and even now I get both upset and angry on occasion - like this week when I was trying to help ds (12) with English poetry homework. She was an inspiring English teacher - and how dare she have inspired so many other children about English and not be around for her own grandson :(

[DowntonTrout]

I should also say I was very angry.

I was angry that dad knew he was Ill but left it so long before he would come and live with me so I could care for him.

I was angry that he never got to hear DD singing in a concert. He was a singer and would have been so proud.

I was angry when he died because he waited until I had gone home from the hospice to die, so I wasn't there with him.

I'm angry now that mum has dementia and she can come to DDs concerts but she doesn't realise it is DD singing and forgets she's even been to the concert!

All normal.

[LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake]

How about iphone videos - she can bake a cake/knit something/sew something - you can even easily upload it to youtube. I'm still annoyed my grandmother died ten years ago, I really need her (and her cake making and sewing abilities now)

[ICBINEG]

bliss that looks fab - thank you.

[MarthasHarbour]

oh god i know exactly how you feel. so so so very sorry about your mum cherish every single moment.

my DGD died last year, he died suddenly, i am angry that i didnt get a chance to say goodbye to him. also angry that he died when i was on holiday so i missed his funeral. I was his favourite granddaughter FFS.

My son started wearing glasses a few months after DGD died - DGD would have loved that, would have talked to him like a proper gentleman. DS is now aged 3 and talking. DGD and DS would have got on famously, like proper blokes.

Fucking furious i am

[Peanutbutterfingers]

So sorry. Get it all out, rant and rave. Grief is weird.

My grandad passed away when I was 8 months pregnant. I had already decided to name my son after him but swore my family to secrecy so that I could tell him as I passed my baby to him.

I was furious to be robbed of that moment. And just gutted they would never get to meet each other. And I don't think he ever realised I LOVED him that much.

Make sure you have lots of pictures of you with your mum and with your children. Make sure she knows, explicitly, everything she is to you. I regret not making this clear so much.

Strength and thoughts xx

[firemansamisnormansdad]

The only way to console yourself is that you will be able to tell your DCs wonderful stories about their wonderful grandmother. This is much better than having them witness the arguments over who is having MIL for xmas, boring Sunday lunches with a mad old bat and worries about care homes.

Devastating news for you and your family. Come back onto mumsnet over the next few months and get rid of all your anger and despair with us xx

[MarthasHarbour]

this thread is amazing. real raw emotion from everyone xxx

[MaxPepsi]

I am so very very sorry.

Sat here with a very large lump in my throat thinking about how bloody mad I am at my Grandparents who 'couldn't be bothered' to wait around for me to be born. Know it's irrational but you can't help how you feel.

Make memories and treasure your last months with your mum, who, by going on how angry you are, must be a wonderful woman.

Please speak to your friends and family in real life, I'm sure you will get exactly the same support you have on here.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

So sorry for you and your family

I think it's a completely natural reaction to have,you're not odd for feeling this way at all.

[BellaOfTheBalls]

YADNBU. I'm so sorry. It is completely reasonable to be angry at this.

My wonderful grandfather, who was often the most solid male figure in my life as a child (my own DF is a bit rubbish) died when I was 15. My grandmother is still going strong at 80 & I am still cross with him every day for missing out on my adult life and on my DC's. He'd love them so much and they would adore his stories, his funny voices and his truly beautiful paintings. Now all I can do is tell my DC's who it was that painted it and gave Mummy her everlasting love of Spike Milligan.

Un-MNetty hug coming your way OP.

[MardyArsedMidlander]

Anger was one of the things I was never warned about. My lovely delightful lively mum died unexpectedly at the age of 46. After she died, I used to be FURIOUS at seeing older people, less healthy than her, smoking and drinking and STILL alive.
All these years later, I still have dreams in which I am so fking angry at both my parents for dying.
have my first ever

[ICBINEG]

peanut oh so sorry to hear that!

My Dh's dad died when DH was about 27, and had only just really gotten onto speaking terms with him. He was devastated that his dad might never have realised that DH loved him. MIL put him straight on that one in a kind of wtaf of course your dad knew you loved him dufus sort of a way...

[CalamityJones]

I'm so sorry. I lost my dad when one week pregnant and my mum when my daughter was four months old - it's a year on and I am still so sad and so furious with them. She would have been their only grand-daughter and they would have loved her so much. I am preparing to get really bitter and angry at Christmastime when my lovely mum and dad would have been so brilliant. It's fucking shit, as you said.

[OnwardBound]

Anger is a very normal part of the grieving process.

Please don't feel guilty for feeling this way.

You sound like a very loving daughter and I am sure you bring your mother much joy.

Hugs XX

[OhTheConfusion]

Get angry. Shout, scream, cry, sob and hit pillows.
This will not be the last time you do this but sometimes it simply all gets too much and you need to vent.

I lost a friend yesterday, she felt the exact same way as she was leaving her children. They are only young and now have no mum to do all the things a mum does. This morning another dear friends dad passed away. It does not make the slightest difference as to when this happens, at almost 50 she has just came to the realisation that she is now an orphan. It is heartbreaking.

The most mportant thing you can do is be there for your mum for the time you have left. Take more pictures, give more hugs, say more 'I love you's'. Take the time you have and ask your mum to all the questions you need to know... from how to make a nativity costume to what you do when the DC's come home with a girl/boyfriend in the decades to come. Then when the time comes tell her your not angry, tell her you know she is scared but it's ok.

Sending huge hugs.

[ICBINEG]

oh calamity that is desperately poor timing! Best wishes for surviving the xmas season.

Someone somewhere has not read the fucking manual for the world and is screwing up on an hourly basis.

IT IS NOT MEANT TO BE LIKE THIS!

Everyone deserves at least 4 grandparents surely?

[DowntonTrout]

Also remember dying is a process, that can go on for quite a long time. Death is only the final part of it.
and even then it isn't over, there will still be much to come to terms with.

So, this sounds awful but, make the most of that process. It is very bittersweet because everything you do will be tinged with sadness ( and that bloody anger!) but if you are forewarned like this, you have the time to make so most of it.say everything that you need to say. Try and have a really special Christmas, it might not seem important now but it will afterwards.

[mrsmellow]

Completely normal and I'm so sorry.
My darling Mum died 4 years ago. She didn't see me marry (but she did tell me she approved of DH when she was in the terminal illness which is great) and I'm now finally pregnant with DC1, also DGC1 and I'm so angry and sad that she's not here to tell and to ask a million questions of. Dad is wonderful but fairly useless and has no idea if Mum had morning sickness or when she first felt a kick or what age any of us did anything. But I will still make the most of him, he's going to be a wonderful Grandad!

When this passes (and it will) enjoy the time you have, ask those questions, write down the answers.
Big hug. FWIW, my Mum is still with me all the time

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

So sorry OP :(

I felt the same when my mum was dying and 2 years after her death I still feel the same....fucking angry, cheated and bitter. My DS is 10 now and he has lost 2 grannies and a grandad!

Life is shit sometimes, sending you some very unmumsnetty hugs.

[ICBINEG]

Another fringe benefit of all this is that I have spent a lot of my DD first year with pnd and contemplating suicide. I read threads on here where people got a little angry with mothers in this position because their own mothers had been lost...now I finally get that.

I finally get that for all my flaws and mistakes and uselessness as a mum it would still be unforgivable to leave my DD alone like that....

[CalamityJones]

I was SO angry for such a long time - I'm much better now but this is such a hard road - I'm so sorry that you and your family are starting on it. I hope you get to make some wonderful memories with your mum.

[UnacceptableAmountOfSherry]

perfectly normal reaction as everyone else has said YANBU at all. Please don't call yourself selfish-it isn't a totally selfish reaction it's a totally normal one.
Rage against the injustice of it!!
Curse at destiny or fate or whoever decided this was to happen, pretty sure your mum is doing the same thing.
I'm so glad you've found support here. MN excels when it comes to speaking the unspoken and providing comfort and support.
You don't need compassion shouting into you-your anger shows what a big part of your life your mum is and being livid that she won't be there forever for you and your little ones is a reflection of how much you adore her.
Any of us unfortunate enough to have lost a loved one will tell you how completely normal anger is

[ICBINEG]

downton yes I am worried there is a line to tread between recording everything and actually enjoying everything. Like when people have a wedding where they spend all the time having photos done and none of the time enjoying themselves with their friends (not sure if this is making sense).

I want us all to have a fab xmas, AND I don't want there to be too much pressure on it being perfect AND I want to record it all so that DD will be able to know her DGM....

Also is it goullish to suggest a big family photo shoot? gah.

It turns out that I am not very emotionally intelligent and frankly rubbish at predicting other peoples reactions to things...including my own.