To think I shouldn't be expected to give up my place in the queue just because the lady behind me was disabled?

[TangoPurple]

Apologies for the lengthy title.

Had a very busy weekend and stupidly forgot to get stuff in for dd's packed lunches/playtime snacks for this week. She also needed a new drinks bottle. So i got up an hour earlier today, and rushed to the supermarket with her before school.

I joined the queue at a till, and as the person in front was getting served, a lady in a wheelchair queued behind me. She asked if she could go in front of me as she needed to rush for the XX bus, which only comes every forty minutes. I explained that I'm also getting that bus so can't give up my space in the queue or dd will be late for school.

She looked totally shocked. She pointed out it was pissing down with rain and she'd be freezing waiting for the next one. (Just to point out - the bus stop for this bus has a large shelter and is right outside the supermarket).

She asked where i lived, i told her roughly, and she suggested i get the YY bus which would drop me a street away from my normal bus stop (normal bus stop is right outside my flat/front door).

I explained that i couldn't walk that far with dd plus all my shopping bags as she has autism and i need to hold her hand at all times. Whereas getting off at my front door, she's fine to run ahead. I was nice and mild-mannered, but she wasn't pleased. She was completely surprised and raising her eyebrows at the people queuing at the opposite till.

The till operator had heard the conversation and I think it affected how she served me. She made no eye contact, no communication (except asking for my money at the end), zoomed all my stuff through the scanner much too quickly, and spent the whole time talking to the lady in the wheelchair about bloody buses and 'lack of respect'!

During this time, the guy at the front of the opposite queue offered the lady to go in front of him which she refused as she'd already put her stuff on the conveyor belt behind mine.

I'm just so annoyed and feel like a right cow. I felt like everyone was judging me. If she only had a few items, of course i'd have let her in front, but she had more than me!

AIBU?

Thanks greeny - he's doing so well now (thanks in no small part to a mystery mumsnetter's generosity!)

Green, glad that you are a mindreader, not I think you owe me an apology, if anything.

Fwiw, I do not think the poor woman on the wheelchair did anything wrong. She cannot physically walk or physically get on to a bus that does not have wheelchair access. It was perfectly fine for her to ask OP and try to come up with a solution that worked for both of them.

OP and here daughter can walk, holding hands. Her dd might be uncomfortable in the rain, aggravated by her autism. But still, they can do it.

In this instance, the need of the woman on the wheelchair was greater, and OP should have helped. Just as many of us let children go to a public loo first, even if we are bursting at the seams and are uncomfortable holding it in.

It is just part of being a civilised society.

wow
thick very
"aggravated"
my dd is in a wheelchair. my friends dd has autism.
they are both equally disabled.....it is not a game of top trumps.

Not sure why it was compulsory for her to wait for forty minutes outside in the cold and rain. Is there any reason she can't just sit in the cafe (or wherever) for half an hour and then go back out for the next one? If she had to take that bus she should have allowed herself more time. That is true of anyone, disabled or not.

Honestly, if the OP had needed to take that bus then that alone should have been enough. "I'm sorry, I need to catch that bus too." Disabled people do not need people making things easy for them because they feel sorry for them (which is awful!) they need people to make it equally accessible.

I guess for me OP, the test would be if you had missed the XX bus, would you take the YY bus and manage somehow? If the person behind you missed the XX bus would there be another (more PITN) bus they could take? If you could honestly say no, I would either wait or pay for a taxi then your need is as great as hers.

I would complain about the till person.

Owe you a apology? Pull the other one

Clearly you have never had the experience of managing an autistic child on a bus journey in the rain. You lack the most basic general knowledge about what autism is, in fact. And yet you consider yourself qualified not only to pronounce that the OP's need was lesser, but to ask parents of autistic children whether or not they would like their children to grow up to have a job and a family?

Your attitude is appalling.

Flatbread I am confused by your post as the lady in the wheelchair could have waiting under shelter for the next bus so I don't understand how her need is greater. It was perfectly fine for her to ask but not for her to question the OP. The OP's daughter needed to get to school on time also.

I think in many situations people are very ignorant of the needs of people in wheelchairs or generally people who may need assistance whatever the reason but in this situation it sounded as if the OP was polite and reasonable given the circumstances.

Uncomfortable?! The OP has explained that rain causes her daughter pain, not to mention the effect that "being uncomfortable" would have on the rest of her day (and as a result her teacher and classmates' day). In this case, the needs of the OP's DD to get to school on time and avoid being in the rain as much as possible trumped the needs of the woman in the wheelchair not wanting to wait for the next bus.

OP YANBU

Asking to go first is one thing (many people do that if they're in a hurry or only buying one thing) but continuing after you said no is rude and unreasonable.

And the till person was very rude too.

Going back to the OP, I wonder if the wheelchair user would have been slower in getting to the door/ bus stop? So maybe the wheelchair user was using the logic that they'd both make it if she got her things through first, because OP and her daughter could rush? However all that seems to have happened is that the wheelchair user asked in the hope that Op had come by car and then was taken aback when she realised that OP had a completely valid reason for not letting her in front, and she was embarrassed and started digging herself a hole with all the talk of OP getting a different bus instead. Then OP gave an even more valid reason for not being able to get a different bus and so it continued! Hard cheese wheelchair user, but I don't blame her for asking.

Flatbread are you aware that some people with autism qualify for blue badges (my son does) because of the difficulties the condition raises with regards to getting around?

My DD also has a blue badge for mobility difficulties due to extreme behavioural issues/intellectual impairment.

OP and here daughter can walk, holding hands. Her dd might be uncomfortable in the rain, aggravated by her autism. But still, they can do it.

But this is where you show a complete lack of understanding of autism.

We are talking about a 4 year old for a start. I wouldn't suggest it was appropriate for an NT 4 year old to take a 15 minute walk to catch another bus in the pouring rain let alone one with autism.

yeah, but your daughter has a disability

Flatbread

By your logic someone with a physical disability who could walk in discomfort for 15 mins should give way to the wheelchair user even if that 15min walk left the walker too tired and in too much pain to function properly for the rest of the day.

As others have said its not disability top trumps. Two people both with a disability needed to get through the checkouts to catch a bus, they both would be inconvenienced by missing the bus, who wins?

my son is very "high-functioning" (Aspergers) and isn't anywhere near qualifying for a blue badge or being considered disabled at all

but if I disrupted the school morning routine or took him on the wrong bus there would be HELL to pay

but I expect I am just a useless parent who has shielded him from reality

Who was sensitive to the rain.

She wasn't unreasonable to ask, and you weren't unreasonable to refuse. IMO. Her reasons were good, and from what you say, if circumstances had been different, you would have let her go ahead. But you had good reason of your own.

I once asked someone who was sitting in a disabled/pregnant woman/elderly person bus seat, if they could let me sit down with my then toddler, who was asleep. If they had told me that they had some equal of greater need to be in that seat, I wouldn't have quibbled. I see this as a similar situation

As a mother if an asd child, I wouldn't even have gone to the supermarket before school as this would ruin his routine for weeks.

Most supermarkets have a cafe so the wheel chair user could of say in there with a cup of tea.

OP and here daughter can walk, holding hands. Her dd might be uncomfortable in the rain, aggravated by her autism. But still, they can do it.

Not necessarily true, the effects of the rain could have caused OP's DD to have a meltdown, meaning OP would have been stuck in the rain with her DD unable to walk further. Just because autistic people don't always have physical disabilities with their legs doesn't mean it's always possible for them to walk places, OP has already explained how distressed her DD gets in the rain, why should she have to get a different bus and walk in the rain when it affects her DD adversely?

It wasn't OP's fault that the wheelchair user had cut things too fine. And this is what she did do. If she had more shopping than OP, she would not have made it to the bus stop in time so, if OP had agreed to her request, she would have had her DD upset for no reason at all.

And saying she would be freezing waiting for the next one is just nonsense; if it is a timed service, she could easily wait in the shop.

Flatbread, off to suggest 'pulling yourself together' on Mental Health board yet?

It is just as preposterous to tell the disabled wheelchair user to stop making a fuss and walk to the bus stop as it is to suggest that a child with autism should 'get over' their issues

I cannot believe that anyone can seriously have such ignorance! You cannot learn to overcome mental disability any more than you can a physical one. You can learn to cope to an extent (for the record, that means adjusting your schedule and lifestyle to lessen your discomfort, not 'get a grip and get on with it' as your posts seem to indicate), just as you can use a wheelchair to help your mobility. In neither case are you changing the basic disability, just dealing with practicalities in the best way you can

'To those of you with autistic children, if you shield them from all normal inconveniences, be it rain or late buses or a change in schedule, how do you expect them to cope with these things when they grow up and live in the real world? Unless you are a recluse, you cannot avoid these, to an extent. Wouldn't it be better to help them find coping strategies rather than avoiding these normal life situations?'

I absolutely agree with this. I also think that we should end sheltering wheelchair users from stairs or narrow toilet cubicles. How could they get the practice needed for listed buildings otherwise or develop coping strategies for showering in hotels.

whoknows given that autism is to do with the way the brain develops it is considered a physical disability rather than a mental disability, but that is just a technicality and doesn't change your meaning. Just thought you might be interested.