To think I shouldn't be expected to give up my place in the queue just because the lady behind me was disabled?

[TangoPurple]

Apologies for the lengthy title.

Had a very busy weekend and stupidly forgot to get stuff in for dd's packed lunches/playtime snacks for this week. She also needed a new drinks bottle. So i got up an hour earlier today, and rushed to the supermarket with her before school.

I joined the queue at a till, and as the person in front was getting served, a lady in a wheelchair queued behind me. She asked if she could go in front of me as she needed to rush for the XX bus, which only comes every forty minutes. I explained that I'm also getting that bus so can't give up my space in the queue or dd will be late for school.

She looked totally shocked. She pointed out it was pissing down with rain and she'd be freezing waiting for the next one. (Just to point out - the bus stop for this bus has a large shelter and is right outside the supermarket).

She asked where i lived, i told her roughly, and she suggested i get the YY bus which would drop me a street away from my normal bus stop (normal bus stop is right outside my flat/front door).

I explained that i couldn't walk that far with dd plus all my shopping bags as she has autism and i need to hold her hand at all times. Whereas getting off at my front door, she's fine to run ahead. I was nice and mild-mannered, but she wasn't pleased. She was completely surprised and raising her eyebrows at the people queuing at the opposite till.

The till operator had heard the conversation and I think it affected how she served me. She made no eye contact, no communication (except asking for my money at the end), zoomed all my stuff through the scanner much too quickly, and spent the whole time talking to the lady in the wheelchair about bloody buses and 'lack of respect'!

During this time, the guy at the front of the opposite queue offered the lady to go in front of him which she refused as she'd already put her stuff on the conveyor belt behind mine.

I'm just so annoyed and feel like a right cow. I felt like everyone was judging me. If she only had a few items, of course i'd have let her in front, but she had more than me!

AIBU?

Assuming that parents of children with autism want their children to have jobs and families? Do you even understand how hurtful that might be?

Autism is a wide spectrum. You don't progress from one end of it to the other by immersion therapy, bullying, miraculously good parenting or by any other means.

God I didn't realise there were people so ignorant.

Whether or not the OP's daughter has autism is totally irrelevant. If OP and her DD had missed the bus, her DD would have been late for school. Why should she have been expected to do that, or pay for a taxi, just because someone else was cutting it too fine?

OP, you don't need to justify your reply to the lady, then or no. You were perfectly reasonable.

Autism is a spectrum. It's not a one size fits all label. Look it up.

YANBU, OP. On a practical level, have you tried a wriststrap for your DD so that she can't bolt when you have your hands full?

Flatbread

Autism is a spectrum condition, which means children can be affected in a myriad of different ways. Some will never become independent adults, others may have some degree of independence but will require a lot of support and others may eventually manage to live to all intents and purposes independent lives, but with someone 'looking out for them'.

My ds is, we hope, in the latter category. He may not be, he may turn out to be in the middle group and no-one can make that call at present.

We work on his life-skills, social-skills, anxiety management, emotional regulation on a daily basis, as we have done for the whole of his life. We help him to learn strategies to cope with what to him, is an extremely chaotic and confusing world. At present he is able to cope with some small degrees of change in his life, but the time to address how he copes when challenged would not be at a bus stop on a rainy day on the way to school. In order to be able to face school he needs a structured routine that keeps his anxiety levels to a minimum.

To explain all the strategies we are working on and the way we hope it will help him progress towards independence would take an incredibly long and complex post that isn't feasible here, but if you genuinely would like to learn more about and come to understand Autism better you could do worse than visiting somewhere like the National Autistic Society Website which should be able to answer some of your more specific questions.

Moose, thank you for your answer.

moose that was a really lovely post.

I am assuming that parents with autistic children want them to be functioning adults with a job and family one day.

Well that's never going to happen for my son. Autism is not one condition, it is many. My son is a teenager who has one clear spoken word (mummy). Jobs, marriage, relationships are unlikely to ever be a feature of his life. As a teenager he is working below level 1 in most school subjects (level one in maths maybe?). It's very unlikely that he'll ever be able to walk down the road unaccompanied - he has too many involuntary impulses to not be able to step out in front of the traffic let alone live what you call a real life. (His life is very real, even if you would find it hard to value it).

If you want to know more about severe autism - at least as it affects my son- read my blog (it's linked from my profile). Otherwise please don't comment on things you clearly have no knowledge of.

oh not the old classic 'professionally offended' again.

Nope, takes more than breathtaking ignorance to offend my rhino hide.

And btw, every disability are on a spectrum, not just autism. I was asking people who had autistic children on this thread, what strategies they use to help their children cope? Some examples would be more insightful than arsey answers.

The woman who asked to go first crossed the line when she asked where the OP lives. What an intrusive question. YABU.

The way I understand it is: people with autism are all individuals, they are not 'the same,' and that autism changes throughout a person's lifetime, it does not remain the same.

To those of you with autistic children, if you shield them from all normal inconveniences, be it rain or late buses or a change in schedule, how do you expect them to cope with these things when they grow up and live in the real world?

^^THAT'S a genuine question? Seriously? Right.

The answers are in my blog. I talk about it quite a bit there. As do quite a few of the blogs I read written by other mothers following different paths. All interesting.

must add that using the term "Professionally offended" to those who are genuinely upset by a comment in relation to their own kids is low.

Plus I wish my offence on here was professional as I would be loaded.

op yanbu

"Plus I wish my offence on here was professional as I would be loaded."

that is brilliant

Yes, charge out at ABA consultant rates. That'll be £350 for that bit of professional offence please

jj your blog is wonderful. I spent a happy hour yesterday reading it, your boys are gorgeous.

Flat, I think it's bull that you were asking a genuine question - you were being critical of parents whose children have a disability you know shockingly little about. You should apologise properly and then go away and do some basic reading, IMO.

I'm sorry I should have made it clearer that whereas my ds can - to some extent - make progress towards some degree of independence, other children with more severe autism can't.

Your original comment - quoted just above - seemed to imply that you think/thought all we need to do is expose our dcs to situations they can't handle in order for them to suddenly 'get it' and learn to cope. That simply isn't the case for many/most of our dcs.

My ds for example, doesn't run off, but would step in front of a car in a heartbeat without thinking. No amount of exposing him to busy roads is going to change that and it would be extremely naive, not to mention insulting, of someone to think that we haven't been teaching him the green cross code and road safety rules since he was tiny - or that we don't remind him every single time he gets too close to a road or steps out without looking.

It's also pretty offensive to suggest that our dcs don't live in the real world. They very much do and as saintly said they have very real lives, even if that might not be your idea of 'real life'.

... and I have to tell you that not every disability is part of a spectrum disorder.

I am very much aware that words on a screen can be interpreted/misinterpreted in many ways and am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here, hoping that you are genuinely unaware of these things, but willing and interested enough to learn and perhaps modify your reactions in future as a result. If you are genuinely interested and have a bit of time to spare, there is an awful lot of information out there at your disposal via the most basic internet searches.

YWNBU - if you had been in a wheelchair in front of her also then she would have had to wait anyway.

I can understand why she asked (a little surprised as most people wouldn't) but she was unreasonable for questioning you.

I wouldn't have let her in front if it meant my DCs being late for school and they don't have SN but I would have done if I was not in a rush of course.

Just realised I had missed a deleted post. If the professionally offended term was bandied about, then perhaps I have been a little over-generous in my interpretation of your posts.