To think I shouldn't be expected to give up my place in the queue just because the lady behind me was disabled?

[TangoPurple]

Apologies for the lengthy title.

Had a very busy weekend and stupidly forgot to get stuff in for dd's packed lunches/playtime snacks for this week. She also needed a new drinks bottle. So i got up an hour earlier today, and rushed to the supermarket with her before school.

I joined the queue at a till, and as the person in front was getting served, a lady in a wheelchair queued behind me. She asked if she could go in front of me as she needed to rush for the XX bus, which only comes every forty minutes. I explained that I'm also getting that bus so can't give up my space in the queue or dd will be late for school.

She looked totally shocked. She pointed out it was pissing down with rain and she'd be freezing waiting for the next one. (Just to point out - the bus stop for this bus has a large shelter and is right outside the supermarket).

She asked where i lived, i told her roughly, and she suggested i get the YY bus which would drop me a street away from my normal bus stop (normal bus stop is right outside my flat/front door).

I explained that i couldn't walk that far with dd plus all my shopping bags as she has autism and i need to hold her hand at all times. Whereas getting off at my front door, she's fine to run ahead. I was nice and mild-mannered, but she wasn't pleased. She was completely surprised and raising her eyebrows at the people queuing at the opposite till.

The till operator had heard the conversation and I think it affected how she served me. She made no eye contact, no communication (except asking for my money at the end), zoomed all my stuff through the scanner much too quickly, and spent the whole time talking to the lady in the wheelchair about bloody buses and 'lack of respect'!

During this time, the guy at the front of the opposite queue offered the lady to go in front of him which she refused as she'd already put her stuff on the conveyor belt behind mine.

I'm just so annoyed and feel like a right cow. I felt like everyone was judging me. If she only had a few items, of course i'd have let her in front, but she had more than me!

AIBU?

Flathead,

OP IS using appropriate coping strategies to deal with her dd's autism and how it affects her experience of "normal" life.

These include:

• getting to the till in time to make the bus,
• knowing which bus, from where and when,
• getting off the bus near home so she doesn't have a safety problem
• making sure her dd isn't late to school, which can be very disruptive for an autistic child

Beyond using sensible strategies like the above, what do you think she should be doing?

Using your logic, the woman in the wheelchair should snap out of it and get up and run for the bus. After all, walking is a normal everyday part of life, so she should just get used to it

The bus driver almost certainly wouldn't be allowed to/able to wait because s/he has a timetable to keep to and s/he is probably under a lot of pressure in this regard. As I said earlier, it's the bus company that is unreasonable here as there is just no justifiable reason for bus companies to be running any buses that are not accessible for those with mobility issues. The disabled people aren't the 'problem'; the buses are.

Good God Flatbread you clearly live a bloody sheltered life

OP - YWNBU. The woman wasn't unreasonable to ask, but I think her behaviour following that was disgusting and rude - she effectively bullied you by enlisting the support of others around and the checkout operator.
I would be inclined to complain to Tesco, because your DDs autism is just as much a disability as needing to use a wheelchair and their staff need to be aware of that and be sensitive to it.

OP, I have a disability too yanbu.

When I go out I plan, I don't take a bus if I did and was liable to miss it I would potter around the shop.

I wouldn't even think of being so cheeky as to inconvenience someone else no matter their circumstances for my poor planning issues.

I think the fact she refused to change till and questioned you so hard says all you need to know about her, as has been said knobs come disabled or non disabled. I read on another forum recently of a person upset at disablist attitudes and that person getting upset at being discriminated against made fatist comments.

YADNBU,
I have no problem with her asking but your explanation should have been enough for her. You weren't rude and had a genuine need to get on tat bus.

I work with kids with Autism and some of them really wouldn't have coped with me taking them on a different bus/different route.

Good idea I would complain to Tesco about the way the till operator behaved towards you, it was to do with that other woman. Your dd has much of a disability as she has though different still a disability

*To those of you with autistic children, if you shield them from all normal inconveniences, be it rain or late buses or a change in schedule, how do you expect them to cope with these things when they grow up and live in the real world?

Unless you are a recluse, you cannot avoid these, to an extent. Wouldn't it be better to help them find coping strategies rather than avoiding these normal life situations? * Are you trying to offend or are you just extremely ignorant?

Yy to complaining to Tesco, advise them on their rudge judgemental staff and ask if they would like to inform their staff on there being more than visable disabilities.

*To those of you with autistic children, if you shield them from all normal inconveniences, be it rain or late buses or a change in schedule, how do you expect them to cope with these things when they grow up and live in the real world?

Unless you are a recluse, you cannot avoid these, to an extent. Wouldn't it be better to help them find coping strategies rather than avoiding these normal life situations?* Flatbread are you trying to offend or are you just extremely ignorant?

O,P YANBU
Hidden disabilities are IMO sometimes more difficult to deal with as they are hidden and so people just don't believe you.
Then of course there are those who have no experience of them at all and are therefore ignorant of the implications and should not make comments as thoughtless as those from earlier in this thread.
There is nothing you can do to change what happened now, and I think that in your position I would have done the same.

YWNBU

The woman quite rightly asked if she could go in front of you, you would have missed your bus if you had obliged and dd would have been late for school. It was clearly not a matter of life or death so you were right to say sorry, but no. TOUGH TITTY!

Another vote for YWNBU here.

It was fine for her to ask, but perfectly reasonable for you to refuse in the circumstances.

And the checkout assistant was obviously rude and unreasonable.

Gosh flatbread. I don't quite know what to say about that but that is the most breathtaking lack of understanding of autism I've seen. Do you think children with autism are just being precious?

Hopefully your post just came out wrong. Or iPhone's autocorrect really has a mind if its own.

Your only mistake was in being friendly and engaging with the woman.

I think you could have avoided the drama by not telling her where you lived, but simply repeating that you need that bus and then ignoring.

The cashier was ignorant

Op YWNBU. Your need was just as great if not greater.

I also know an autistic child who strips the second he gets even slightly damp too.

Flatbread seems to have gotten Austism and toddler-ism mixed up. My DD is 2 and would get stroppy if she got wet in the rain and I was rushing her along because we were late. She will grow out of it and learn how to adjust and cope - the Ops DD may not.

The disabilities have nothing to do with the scenario.

They were both cutting it fine for the bus. By the sound of it, one was going to miss it, whoever went first.

The greater need would be who would come out worse as a result of the missed bus- would a child be punished for being late for school? Would someone face a disciplinary for lateness (maybe on their last warning due to repeated lateness because they are up in the night because of goodness knows what problems)

OP is now on here- clearly distressed by the events. What right did strangers have to put her through that?

Flatbread what an utterly twattish thing to say.

I would dearly love if my DD was going to grow up and live in the real world and shop in supermarkets rather than needing care all her life, Flatbread.

I wasn't being arsey. I am sorry it came across that way.

It was a genuine question. I am curious on how parents who have children with autism help them cope with the real world.

I am not arguing that it is not a disability, it is. I am assuming that parents with autistic children want them to be functioning adults with a job and family one day. I am just wondering how they go about in helping the children to cope with everyday situations?

It was not a judgement, but a question, for ffs. Disability is not something to be only discussed in hushed, reverential terms. It is ok to be curious and ask questions.

I'd do it for anyone who needed to catch a bus if i wasn't in a hurry. But if I needed to be somewhere - getting kids from school/ drs apt/work I would not make myself late. She should have left herself more time to be sure of catching bus.

You were not being unreasonable.

To those of you with autistic children, if you shield them from all normal inconveniences, be it rain or late buses or a change in schedule, how do you expect them to cope with these things when they grow up and live in the real world? Unless you are a recluse, you cannot avoid these, to an extent. Wouldn't it be better to help them find coping strategies rather than avoiding these normal life situations?

It was not 'A question' it was 'A judgement'

Having a job and a family is plain impossible for many people with autism. This is as concrete as somebody with muscular dystrophy not growing up to win the London marathon. How nice of you to rub salt in this fact for people who are already coping with it.

What the hell are you talking about Flatbread? Are you just stirring? Unbelievable.

I am also curious because my close friend's husband is autistic. He is a mathematician, and has three children. He obviously has led a full life, although I do now it is quite difficult for my friend, living with someone who is autistic (and I am sorry if I am offending anyone here, she loves her dh but he is hard work).

He must have strong coping strategies, otherwise he could not have been as successful as he is in building a career and family. Especially in a new country (he moved from the US to Europe when he was 19).

So just asking how do you prepare an autistic child to cope? What is so insensitive about that ffs?