To think I shouldn't be expected to give up my place in the queue just because the lady behind me was disabled?

[TangoPurple]

Apologies for the lengthy title.

Had a very busy weekend and stupidly forgot to get stuff in for dd's packed lunches/playtime snacks for this week. She also needed a new drinks bottle. So i got up an hour earlier today, and rushed to the supermarket with her before school.

I joined the queue at a till, and as the person in front was getting served, a lady in a wheelchair queued behind me. She asked if she could go in front of me as she needed to rush for the XX bus, which only comes every forty minutes. I explained that I'm also getting that bus so can't give up my space in the queue or dd will be late for school.

She looked totally shocked. She pointed out it was pissing down with rain and she'd be freezing waiting for the next one. (Just to point out - the bus stop for this bus has a large shelter and is right outside the supermarket).

She asked where i lived, i told her roughly, and she suggested i get the YY bus which would drop me a street away from my normal bus stop (normal bus stop is right outside my flat/front door).

I explained that i couldn't walk that far with dd plus all my shopping bags as she has autism and i need to hold her hand at all times. Whereas getting off at my front door, she's fine to run ahead. I was nice and mild-mannered, but she wasn't pleased. She was completely surprised and raising her eyebrows at the people queuing at the opposite till.

The till operator had heard the conversation and I think it affected how she served me. She made no eye contact, no communication (except asking for my money at the end), zoomed all my stuff through the scanner much too quickly, and spent the whole time talking to the lady in the wheelchair about bloody buses and 'lack of respect'!

During this time, the guy at the front of the opposite queue offered the lady to go in front of him which she refused as she'd already put her stuff on the conveyor belt behind mine.

I'm just so annoyed and feel like a right cow. I felt like everyone was judging me. If she only had a few items, of course i'd have let her in front, but she had more than me!

AIBU?

Let's look logically at your claims to go first:

You - autistic child so issues with walking, child late for school if miss 'bus, not left enough time to accommodate slow checkout queue, but you happened to be before her in the queue;

Her - disabled, needed to catch 'bus or wait up to 40 mins, not left enough time to accomodate slow checkout queue, but did not say had somewhere she had to be (and would not have been forced to wait outside - could have gone round shops or presumably even lurked in supermarket). She was behind you in the queue.

Judge Fozzley pronounces: She was ok to ask if she could go first, but should have stopped banging on once you explained that your daughter would be late for school. YANBU [gavel].

toofattorun

I love the phrase pissarsing around. Had forgotten it exosited and will start tot use it again

Living with autism is hard, it is tested mine and DH relationship, I have lost friends and I have had people stare and tut under there breaths in social setting, I have had people tell me to sort my kid out.

I have had to become strong and learn how to stand up for myself.

To have a poster say they will have to learn I ask you why? My son has autism I think people's attitude regarding hidden disabilities should change and not him

What a shitty situation to be put in.

You were defo not unreasonable, but I can see why she asked. She should not have pressed on though, thats just rude.

And I actually didnt know much about autism before this thread, thankyou to everyone who has shared.

YANBU

I would simplify this to:

If anyone was in a rush at the supermarket, and asked to go in front of me, I would let them, if I wasn't in a rush myself.

If I needed to catch a bus like OP did, then I wouldn't let anyone in front of me.

can I just politely ask if we could not make this ...
wheelchair user V autistic person.
that is not the case.
I do hate it when threads become like this as it seems to divide.

YWNBU.

She asked, fair enough. You said no, also fair enough.
You shouldn't have been made to feel you'd done something wrong.

Even if you had of been alone ywnbu

I should add that I wouldn't think OP less reasonable if her child didn't have autism.....regardless her DD would have been late for school

Even if you had of been alone ywnbu

There you have it. Self-justifying selfishness.

I hope none of you were the mums I have helped up the elevators with their buggies, missing my train to work (yeah, you know the station and should have planned better)

I hope you were not the young women with heavy luggage that I helped get carry on the train, even though it was a platform on the opposite end of mine. (you should have travelled light)

Nor the endless people I give my seat to, old, pregnant or disabled. Or the women with young children I let jump the queue so they can get out of the store faster.

All of us are inconvenienced one way or the other when we help others. But we still do it. Because we recognise that others have needs that might be greater than ours.

And the ironic thing is, if OP had let the woman go first, by the time the driver had lowered the platform, let the lady get her wheel chair on, secured it, OP could well have caught the bus.

And Alibaba, thanks for reminding me about the food threads. I made some beef bourguignon for a dinner party tonight and it was divine.

WTF has that got to do with anything??

Wow flatbread you are an inspiration to us all, not only have you cured autism in one sentence, you are such a kind and giving and generous soul. I bow down to your greatness and hope, one day, to be even a tenth of the human being you clearly are.....

Flatbread have a

Flatbread how is it selfish to ensure her DD is not late for school? There did not appear to be any reason the other lady needed to go in front of the OP.

I give up my seat and help others whenever I can so I have no feelings of guilt in agreeing with the OP in this situation.

I feel irritated when NO ONE would help me at the station with a 2 year old and a baby in a buggy (I wasn't in a rush at all but wrongly assumed all stations would have lifts) and when I was heavily pregnant on a full train and I was stared at as if I was an alien! Those things do not stop me helping others but it is not humanly possible to do it in every situation as many of the people not helping me may have been on their way to school/work etc so fair enough - would you have made yourself late for an important interview to help someone?

You sound very self-righteous!

Oh yes everyone should inconvenience themselves and their families because we are all saints and obviously that person must need it more than we do...

I see no reason why the OP should have had to put her and her DD through what she has described. She's described to you how her DD reacts to the rain, how her autism makes it difficult for her.
Tis a shame the woman in the wheelchair missed her bus, but a bit of time management on her part probably wouldn't have gone amiss either. If I'd have been in front, I'd have said yeah sure, not because of her being in a wheelchair par say, but because her need would have been greater than mind because she has limited options. but I haven't got a 4 year old daughter like the OP has. The OP needed it just as that woman did.

It's not a competition.

Flatbread I would bet that many people on this thread do help others, as I do, eg buggies, etc in the same way you mention.

But in this case we are discussing a specific incident, not a general attitude towards other people.

I still believe the OP WNBU. In this case we are looking at someone having to catch a later bus, versus the OP having repercussions with her DD relating to missing that bus that could go way beyond a 40 minute period.

From the descriptions given, it looks like neither would have been able to catch the bus if the wheelchair user had gone first, the OP saying she only just managed to catch it.

At another time/in another circumstance it could be right to have allowed the other lady to go first.

Each case on it's merits. And one case does not automatically mean that one person is selfish.

Flatbread, that are your decsion.

I can't be late for work as my wages will be docked and atm i cant afford it, however i will give up my seat on the bus even after a gruelling 8 hour shift, if i have a trolley full of shopping and i person behind me has a few items i will let them go first.

however my children come first and always will

Oh and flatbread, the other day I spotted a stranger struggling to get her elderly mother (who was in a wheelchair) up the step to get in her house. I helped her. It inconvenienced me because I ended up putting my bags on the floor, which resulted in my lucozade rolling down the path and into some bushes. But so what? I was perfectly able to help and it didn't hurt me.

In this case the OP's daughter would have been caused great distress by her missing the bus. That would have hurt her.

We all help people all the time I expect, you are not unique in that. Or in your ability to cook although we'd never know it

You on the other hand are being dismissive and ignorant of a recognised disability, and instead of holding up your hands and accepting that you are ignorant you are further digging yourself into a hole by insisting that your ignorant and offensive views are justified.

Also attendance at DS is a big thing. If a child is even late they do not get to pick a treat out of the chest as it's not 100% attendance.

Seems to me like you need to educate yourself flatbread. And acknowledge when you are in the wrong. It makes you look lots more grown up.

My DS is on the spectrum, has remained in MS, is at college and will have a job. He may even go to uni in his late twenties or older. He has strategies now to deal with a lot of the things he found tricky or intolerable, we develop new strategies all the time. He even has several friends in equal relationships. We have been incredibly lucky with our throw of the dice.
It's a spectrum, he's at the HF end of it, like his dad.
I wouldn't presume to generalise or judge anyone else with a child on the spectrum, because each situation has its own difficulties and challenges, sensitivities and triggers. So I would not think that our path was possible for another to follow, merely because the children are both on the autistic spectrum.
Flatbread, the depth of your ignorance is staggering and your snap judgements unworthy of dwelling on. Unfortunately they are very common.
OP she was NBU to ask, you were NBU to decline and the judgements of you by anyone else were based on their ignorance.

Yanbu.

I have no problem with saying I would have done the exact same thing as you. Reason being disabled people want equal treatment so I will give them it. I wouldn't give up my spot for an able bodied person so why a disabled? I don't go out of my way to pussy foot around disabled people because they are my equals just like I wouldn't treat a black or gay person any differently. I had two blind kids in my class at school and a heck of a lot of people in that class would patronise them, talk to them like they were babies and totally pussy foot around them. I just used to talk to them as I did anyone else and if they annoyed me i'd tell them. That is what they wanted.

We've become far too politically correct and almost scared to offend people who aren't the majority. Its ridiculous, just don't look at them as being any different and if you wouldn't have given an able bodied person your place then don't give a disabled person it. You totally did the right thing, well done.

Flatbread - trying to change your angle now? Grow up and apologise for either your outstanding ignorance or plain rudeness.

Must have been a brilliant dinner party if all the guests had gone by 10pm - or were you being rude and ignoring them while MNing?