DP on lads holiday?

[ukipjr2008]

I'm 22 and my DP is 26. We have been together for 2.5 years and lived together for 2 years.

Next year my DP wanted to go on holiday with his mates during term time (I'm a teacher so can only go on holidays during school holidays.) I said I didn't mind as long as it wasn't a stereotypical 18-30 clubbing place. It makes me really uncomfortable to think of him going to one of those places, I think he's too old for it and it's embarrasing for both me and himself. Also I know what his friends are like, they don't actively hate me but it's not like they're my friends at all and all the people he are going with are single and the type that would egg him on to do stupid stuff. I don't think he would cheat on me and he never has before or anything, but I think that there is a definitely a strong chance that he would push the boundaries of what would upset me. Plus despite all of that I would really miss him if he went away for as long as a week. We were apart for a week about 6 months after we first got together and when he came back he said he missed me so much he wouldn't go again, that's obviously not how he feels anymore!!

he is insisting of going to one of these places as they're 'so much cheaper' and it's 'not fair on anyone else if they have to pay more'. At first I wasn't happy with him going on holiday at all but then I conceded, but now he is determined to go to one of these places I'm really upset. He says he is booking it anyway, I'm embarrassing him and that I'm being really unreasonable.

Well the question is... AIBU? Whatever happens I will never change being upset that he is going and the week that he is there will be absolutely awful, but I guess if enough people that weren't his idiotic mates thought I was being stupid maybe I would try to make the effort to pretend that I'm not upset about it at least. So any answers appreciated.......

[THERhubarb]

True Worra. Perhaps she is although I think some of the posts have been quite cruel towards her (perhaps that's why she's scarpered or perhaps she's just watching with glee?) and some posters have just been vying to get their rude comments in.

I don't she was unreasonable to be concerned. His friends don't like her. It's implied they are going on a lads holiday. They are all single. They encourage others to display stupid behaviour.

She said she didn't mind him going away but didn't want him to go off on a lads holiday with a bunch of idiots who didn't like her. He has basically said 'tough'.

I don't think she sounds very controlling, just very young. And I would also be concerned so shoot me now

[FredFredGeorge]

He doesn't want to go on an 18-30, he wants to go to a Sun/sea/drinking resort, 'cos that's a cheap place for a load of friends to go to have a good time, which mostly revolves around a load of friends being the same place and the cheaper the better.

He doesn't want to force them to go goat herding in the himalayas (and incidently I've been very friendly with someone who I learnt had a partner in the UK on just such a trip) just to assuage his partners nutty ideas of what might happen at a particular destination.

We shouldn't respect our partners if their ideas aren't compatible with our own views (or simple logic) - that's the way resentment builds, sometimes you need to tell your partner they're wrong - and sometimes you need to be told.

[THERhubarb]

The poor poor lass.

She never mentioned a friggin goat herding holiday.

She ended her OP with the words: "Well the question is... AIBU? Whatever happens I will never change being upset that he is going and the week that he is there will be absolutely awful, but I guess if enough people that weren't his idiotic mates thought I was being stupid maybe I would try to make the effort to pretend that I'm not upset about it at least. So any answers appreciated....... "

For that she got told she lived in Winging Land, that she sounded insecure, naive, controlling and needy.

Her OP doesn't say of these things tbh.

Having read some of the replies I now really feel for her. Some of the responses show a distinct lack of maturity from the posters and if this is the reason she has refrained from posting since, she's showing more restrain and maturity than a lot of you put together.

[WorraLiberty]

Or she might have simply name changed to start a bun fight and then changed back again.

Doubt we'll ever know.

[Joiningthegang]

Yabu - and if he thinks you think je will cheat then he may as well do it as you dont seem to have any faith or trust in him anyway

[Joiningthegang]

Yabu - and if he thinks you think je will cheat then he may as well do it as you dont seem to have any faith or trust in him anyway

[Crinkle77]

I do agree with the OP in part. When lads get together on holiday they are more likely to do things that they wouldn't at home. A mixture of sun, alcohol, scantlily clad girls can be a dangerous combination and they do egg each other on.

[THERhubarb]

That is true Worra. But if so, she has managed to show up the really nasty side of Mumsnet, the side that posts insults before thinking and takes great delight in doing so.

I don't think for one minute that those early responses were as a result of them thinking she was after a bunfight. Those were genuine responses from some really not nice people.

[SherbetVodka]

Rhubarb I agree. It's like they'd seen that she was getting nothing but negative replies so they felt it was safe to be nasty to her as nobody was going to go against the crowd and back her up.

[SantaisBarredfromhavingStella]

Awwww bless you OP, don't really blame you for not being happy about a 18-30 lads hol (don't think many would honestly be happy with it but there you go) anyway, doesn't matter if YABU or not, clearly he's going so all that's left to do is decide how you deal with it....

[StrawberrytallCAKE]

'There is no such thing as a 'shagging destination' for goodness sake.'

To that I give you - shagaluf.

[WorraLiberty]

Again, there is no such thing as a shagging destination.

If you're going to have sex with strangers when you are in a committed relationship, it doesn't matter whether you have sex in Magaluf or the broom cupboard at work.

It's down to the person, not the place.

[StrawberrytallCAKE]

I'm not saying that's not true but there are certain destinations that 18-30's go to where sex is almost a given and that is why a lot of people choose to go there. Maybe it's not originally the destination more the people who choose to go there but after years of the same activities the destination tends to keep the reputation.

[WorraLiberty]

Well yes that's true.

But when I was 19 my friend and I (also 19) went to Magaluf for 2 weeks.

We got drunk, had a laugh, had a great time.

But despite getting plenty of offers, not once did we have sex with random strangers because we weren't into that sort of thing before we went...so the resort or the alcohol wasn't going to change that.

And we were single!

[BelaLugosisShed]

My 22 year old DD went to Tenerife last year to a "party" resort with a couple of mates, they met up with a bunch of blokes of similar age, a couple of whom were married/partnered, no untoward shagging went on, even amongst the single ones, despite copious amounts of booze, cheaters will cheat anywhere, people who don't cheat, won't , whatever the circumstances.

[MuckingFunter]

YANBU and quite frankly all of you who are giving her a hard time have got your heads well and truly in the sand.

[Beaverfeaver]

My DH is 26, never been on a lads holiday and I have been encouraging him to go as his friends want him to.

He is now looking to go for a long weekend soon.

I trust him. I wouldn't trust some of his friends, but that's none of my business.
I'm sure they will have fun, and I'm sure I won't hear about everything that happens.

I'm ok with that.

[tisnottheseasonyet]

Really worrying to see how many posters on here think such controlling and untrustworthy behaviour is normal.

[tisnottheseasonyet]

*untrusting

[StrawberrytallCAKE]

'Men don't like needy, clingy women...it's a huge turn-off for them'

Fuck me, so now she should change her personality and views to keep her 'man' turned on? Put up and shut up eh? That's a nice step back for feminism.

[WorraLiberty]

Did you miss the part where LeQ said "Neither do most women either"?

I think if the OP was male and was trying to control where his female DP went for a week with her friends, he'd probably be called a controlling bastard.

[StrawberrytallCAKE]

That looked like an afterthought...

I guess what's obvious from this thread is that people have different viewpoints which is great unless you're in a relationship with someone who feels the opposite. It doesn't really matter what anyone says as the way she feels won't change and the same for him it doesn't make her evil or immature and in the same way he's not being unreasonable if that's really what he wants to do.

[WorraLiberty]

Yeah that's true Strawberry

Either way, at least it's come to light before they have a family - if indeed they've thought about that.

[StrawberrytallCAKE]

God yeah I had a situation a bit like this when dd was around 4 months and dh was sort of forced by his family into going away for a week somewhere similar for a stag he desperately didn't want to go. Not very good when you have pnd which is probably why I'm so passionate about it. Hope you get it sorted if you're actually here op.