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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP on lads holiday?

190 replies

ukipjr2008 · 25/11/2012 14:20

I'm 22 and my DP is 26. We have been together for 2.5 years and lived together for 2 years.

Next year my DP wanted to go on holiday with his mates during term time (I'm a teacher so can only go on holidays during school holidays.) I said I didn't mind as long as it wasn't a stereotypical 18-30 clubbing place. It makes me really uncomfortable to think of him going to one of those places, I think he's too old for it and it's embarrasing for both me and himself. Also I know what his friends are like, they don't actively hate me but it's not like they're my friends at all and all the people he are going with are single and the type that would egg him on to do stupid stuff. I don't think he would cheat on me and he never has before or anything, but I think that there is a definitely a strong chance that he would push the boundaries of what would upset me. Plus despite all of that I would really miss him if he went away for as long as a week. We were apart for a week about 6 months after we first got together and when he came back he said he missed me so much he wouldn't go again, that's obviously not how he feels anymore!!

he is insisting of going to one of these places as they're 'so much cheaper' and it's 'not fair on anyone else if they have to pay more'. At first I wasn't happy with him going on holiday at all but then I conceded, but now he is determined to go to one of these places I'm really upset. He says he is booking it anyway, I'm embarrassing him and that I'm being really unreasonable.

Well the question is... AIBU? Whatever happens I will never change being upset that he is going and the week that he is there will be absolutely awful, but I guess if enough people that weren't his idiotic mates thought I was being stupid maybe I would try to make the effort to pretend that I'm not upset about it at least. So any answers appreciated.......

OP posts:

IAmSoFuckingRock · 26/11/2012 12:19

"I have the misfortune to watch a TV programme about people on a 18-30s holiday. I can't remember it's name but some of the images are imprinted on my brain forever"

and it's not as if they edit those shows to make them look worse or just focus on the really bad behaviour and portray it as standard or anything is it?

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/11/2012 12:19

Rhubarb,I don't think she has really name changed,I was joking. Sorry Margery

THERhubarb · 26/11/2012 12:27

Worra: "I know what his friends are like, they don't actively hate me but it's not like they're my friends at all and all the people he are going with are single and the type that would egg him on to do stupid stuff."

Yes I may have used a bit of creative thinking in my post but it's implied that his friends are not to be trusted, don't respect her and would think it a laugh to encourage him to go out and do stupid things.

And yes, he has his own mind. She posted was she being unreasonable in being unhappy about this. That is my answer. No she is not being unreasonable. If he wants to go on holiday to a clubbing resort with his single friends who don't particularly like her and who take delight in doing childish and silly things then that's his prerogative. It's also her prerogative whether she stays with him or not.

Relationships aren't just about trust, they are about respect and if he doesn't respect her concerns and does nothing to allay her fears, then what future does that relationship have? If he does this in the "honeymoon" period of their relationship when they are meant to be all over each other then what on earth will he do when the relationship starts to get boring and requires a bit of hard work on both sides to keep it going?

I wouldn't be too happy about it and don't think she's being unreasonable at all (apart from posting and fleeing which, when coupled with the name makes you question her motives)

QuickLookBusy · 26/11/2012 12:32

Iam, Yes thank you, I am aware they do that in TV programmes.

The programme is still showing what does go on though.

QuickLookBusy · 26/11/2012 12:33

I agree with you again Rhubarb.

The main point is she doesn't want him to go and he doesn't care. Not a nice relationship to be in.

THERhubarb · 26/11/2012 12:36

Sorry Marge, I shouldn't be gullible enough to fall for these stirring vipers Mind you, if you've never heard of UKIP before now may I ask where you've been living? In a hippy commune?

fridgepants · 26/11/2012 12:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 26/11/2012 12:48

I think you need to learn to trust him or get out of the relationship. He is with you, not anyone else. IF anything even small happens while he is away , then of course the relationship will end. You could explain this too him and say that you expect 100% honesty on his part. If he really loves you, he will not stray no matter which friends he is with. He is in charge of his own destiny.

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 26/11/2012 12:51

ps. DH and I have been on quite a few holidays separately too due to work commitments. We trust each other and it wouldn't matter who was with.

PurplePidjin · 26/11/2012 12:57

Not specifically porn, Margey, but he recognises that a significant proportion of people involved particularly in prostitution are doing so under duress. That's enough to put him off (according to him. I appreciate this isn't reliable as the evidence is second hand)

His views are representative of his friends, the ones he'd enjoy a holiday with anyway!

SherbetVodka · 26/11/2012 14:24

I wouldn't be ok with this, OP. It's obviously a very un-mumsnet view to hold but I really don't think that people in relationships should go on "lads" or "girls" holidays. I don't blame you one bit for being uncomfortable with it. Or for not returning to the thread when so many posters have said you're so needy and pathetic that your DP probably wants to leave you anyway

JenaiMathis · 26/11/2012 14:43

Why shouldn't they, Sherbert?

SherbetVodka · 26/11/2012 14:57

Because those kinds of holidays tend to involve going on the pull. I just don't think it's appropriate for someone who's in a relationship to take part, even if they're the tiny minority ones who don't get involved.

I did work in a bar in Shagaluf one summer so maybe my view is coloured by what I saw there - basically, the vast majority of men on lads holidays did appear to have sexual contact with at least one woman while they were there, regardless of their relationship status. There was a real "what goes on tour stays on tour" mentality. The cheating on partners actually seemed to be a form of male bonding in itself.

FunBagFreddie · 26/11/2012 14:58

I'd kill for DP to go on a lads week away! I love him but I love a break too grin

Same here, I keep telling him to go, but he doesn't think it would be right.

OP should enjoy her DP free time and make the most of her opportunity to let it all hang out, not shave her legs and sit in bed watching inane TV whilst eating cake with a large glass of wine. That's what I'd do.

Mrsjay · 26/11/2012 14:59

It's obviously a very un-mumsnet view

It is nothing to do with being un mumsnetty

Mrsjay · 26/11/2012 14:59

did you look in my window when my husband was away

FunBagFreddie · 26/11/2012 15:04

did you look in my window when my husband was away grin

Funnily enough no, but we both clearly know how to enjoy ourselves.

StrawberrytallCAKE · 26/11/2012 15:13

Op yanbu, since joining mumsnet last Christmas time I'm always surprised by the negative reaction to the op on these threads.

It doesn't matter how old the couple are what matters is that they have commited to each other to the point of wanting to share their day to day lives with each other. Having a break with friends is totally acceptable but he's choosing to go on holiday to a 'shagging' destination and I'm sure op feels utterly trapped by this as it goes against the nature of a long term monogamous relationship. It doesn't matter if he cheats or not he has already put his holiday above her, relationships are about compromise as well as trust and if he isn't willing to grow up and compromise tbh I'd leave the bastard.

squeakytoy · 26/11/2012 15:21

You dont need to share every day together if you are married. That would drive me insane as I like my own personal time too. I go on at least one holiday a year without my husband, and would be more than happy for him to do the same.

Either of us could cheat no matter where we went in the world. We trust each other. He is married to me, he doesnt own the exclusive rights to my whole life.

expatinscotland · 26/11/2012 15:28

It sounds like you are two different people who might want two different things in life.

StrawberrytallCAKE · 26/11/2012 15:42

squeaky I wasn't trying to say that you have to spend 24/7 with dp but when you live together you spend day to day life together, not necessarily physically but also phone calls/notes/household jobs etc.

like I said a holiday with friends is absolutely fine imo but if my dh wanted to go on an 18-30 he would be coming back to his stuff packed.

ConfusedPixie · 26/11/2012 15:43

Or marge, we're just normal and you & OP are being clingy. I was like that in my teen relationships, but it feels childish to be that way now, DP and I are capable of being separate beings and still being in a relationship...

Says Pixie, aged 23 (and a half)

Seriously though, if you trust your DP not to cheat, why would you have an issue with him being around other women (slaggy girls? )
RE the inhibitions, what a load of tosh, same thing happens in the UK on a lads holiday to Skegness or Brighton or some other resort town. The women sleeping with them probably don't give two shits if he's married or single and you're implying that it's the women's fault for the men cheating on their partners. And that men are incapable of controlling themselves around women dressed in skimpy clothes. A Cheat is a cheat is a cheat at the end of the day!

And ha, he must be really 'fit' if a roomful of women want to tear his clothes off. Surely that is a good thing?!

funbagfreddie: I'm encouraging DP to drag his unis mates away to some hot place, but he's choosing to go to Florida with his Mum instead next year. I don't know whether to wind him up about it or congratulate him on being a lovely son!

WorraLiberty · 26/11/2012 15:47

There is no such thing as a 'shagging destination' for goodness sake.

THERhubarb · 26/11/2012 15:48

Seriously guys, this is not about him just going on holiday without her. She already said that she accepted this as she works during term time.

This is about him going off on a lads only holiday, with his single mates, who don't respect her, to some sort of clubbing resort and she can either like it or lump it.

Whilst I'm all for my dh going off on holiday without me or the kids, I would not appreciate the lack of respect her partner is showing her.

This isn't so much about him going away, this is about the lack of respect in this relationship. He seems to think that he can go where he pleases, when he pleases and with whom he pleases without taking her feelings into consideration at all. If that is his attitude then he would be better off single and so would she.

Of course you can be individuals and still be married with kids. But a healthy relationship means compromising at times. It means listening to the other person and taking their feelings and opinions on board. It means being sensitive to that person and if he can't do that then he should be on his own.

WorraLiberty · 26/11/2012 15:51

Perhaps he did take her feelings into consideration and concluded that she's being a controlling arse?

His friends have chosen this holiday and he wants to go with them. He can hardly force them to go somewhere more acceptable to the OP can he?

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