To tell this woman to f off and buy her own dress?

[charlmarascoxo]

I've worked with the same women "Wendy" for around 3 years now, and I am the same age as her daughter "Amelia".

Today Wendy asks me as if it would be possible for me to bring in my wedding dress to work for Amelia to borrow for her wedding. She explained that they were both struggling financially and that Wendy herself was in debt.

My DH has a good job and earns well and we were able to afford to have a lovely wedding and I was able to afford the dress that I wanted. Neither Wendy or Amelia were invited to the wedding, however I have been told by Wendy that they were both looking at the wedding photos on Facebook and how Amelia would love to have the same dress.

I am being a bitch if I refuse? My dress is so special to me and I don't want just anyone wearing it.

Total bollocks.

People can chose not to believe me however why feel the need to comment? Why not just not read my post?

I'm not friends with A on fb. After I got that reply I then proceeded to block her. From what I've heard about her she's not the nicest of people. I'd tell you the stories but its not relevant.

I've heard the venue was 16K, but this is through office gossip. I work in quite a bitchy work environment, so I know that stories do get embellished.

I don't think Wendy knows what her daughter sent me, and I feel it would make it awkward to tell her.

But I've said no, and I'm obviously not going to change my mind. The daughter is blocked and W has not mentioned anything about it all day so as far as I'm concerned its over.

I believed you OP.

Glad you have sorted out your end. Personally I would have to let Wendy know what her incredibly rude DD said. If she had any shame she would be embarrassed for introducing the idea in the first place.

Agree that this has got increasingly silly, if Amelia and mum are real then in most offices Wendy and her daughter would be pulled up by the OP and workmates for rude behaviour to a colleague as this would be office gossip. I see no reason why it would be awkward to tell a work colleague what her adult daughter said, especially when it's the colleagues fault the daughter is contacting you. It doesn't make sense.

It could be awkward to tell Wendy what her daughter said.

Depends whether Wendy's a sensible woman, or one who's touchy and quick to hold long term grudges. There's a few people in my office who can be very nasty when crossed, and some of them are very cunning and subtle when it comes to stabbing others in the back.

But from what the OP's said, I don't know which category Wendy falls into. For all I know, she could be perfectly normal and reasonable.

Also, the OP's posts aren't giving me the impression that she's pleased about Wendy & Amelia's financial problems and inability to afford a nice dress.
Although perhaps the OP should avoid talking about her finances and husband's salary in the future, given the reaction it seems to get....

WTF? Seriously, do they think you will lend your dress to anyone?

I don't think it is fair to say the op sounds smug, I don't get that impression at all. I do wonder though how you can be so calm and not mention to your colleague her daughter's behaviour - that is why I wondered if this was untrue - and of course weddings can cost 16k and more, I know this from my own wedding and friend's weddings (ooops, that probably sounds 'smug' to some).

I honestly don't understand how I sound smug or entitled?

Yes its pretty obvious I shouldn't have mentioned OH's earning. But seriously why would I like the fact that someone is in debt?! That comment has annoyed me. Wow I'm not Mother Theresa but I still hate to see anyone suffer.

I'd love every bride to be happy with the dress she had. However what Amelia wears is irrelevant to me. I don't want to lend her my dress, she will have to find an alternative. I hope she finds one that she likes and can afford.

I don't think it would be at all awkward for the OP to tell Wendy what her daughter said, it will be uncomfortable for Wendy to hear it but that is different.
How many women here would not want to know if their child was abusive to a work colleague? I would want to know so I could give them a good bollocking.

You don't sound smug. At All. I have a big smug radar going on and my detector tells me you're still in the green. Nowhere near amber and miles away from red. So don't stress yourself.

I don't think you sound smug or unpleasant at all

I have a different attitude to lending wedding dresses from you - to me it wouldn't cost me emotionally to share it, so I would

but there are other things I wouldn't, because their emotional pull for me is stronger. My guitar, for example - I let people play it, but I don't LIKE it. And I wouldn't want to let my fiddle out of my sight either.

I also don't see why people are doubting the veracity of this story. No alarm bells for me. The world is full of fruitloops.

I would put it behind you, you've behaved decently and have nothing to feel bad about. And don't drink any of Wendy's coffee

2rebecca - I have no idea if this is relevant as I don't know charlmarascoxo's work environment - but from my experience, where you have a work environment that is stacked with entrenched, long-term inequalities, and where (regardless of reality) "downstairs" can be extremely resentful of perceived behaviours and attitudes "upstairs": this kind of problem arises all the time.

I'm thinking of work environments like hospitals or academic science, where everyone mixes daily with people far above/ far below on the payscale, where your upbringing and early education frequently determine whether you end up a professor/consultant or a bottle-washer. Someone gets married, others think about getting married and copy the ideas they've heard about from colleagues (' mothers)... a 16K wedding in a stately home with a designer wedding dress might be totally feasible for a 35-year-old on the trainee consultant payscale, but would represent decades of debt for the technician working in the same lab.
It's a massive clash of backgrounds, a grotesque demonstration that some people's time really is worth much more than other people's time in the society we live in.

If Wendy has problems with boundaries and a daughter who wants and gets a lot (like a 16K wedding venue that is really unaffordable), possibly because mother has never taught daughter about boundaries, it's conceivable that this could have contributed to Wendy's partner walking out when the tension over wedding expenses all got too much. Then Wendy & co fail to pull their heads in, and deal with the situtation inappropriately. I have seen things like this happen several times among my colleagues and family.

charlmarascoxo could easily be perceived as mistreating Wendy, because Wendy chooses to characterise the problem as being one of class and snobbishness, whereas charlmarascoxo characterises the problem as one of learning career-productive behaviours early and sticking to them, and capitalizing on luck (the DH who works hard and got lucky) while living within one's means.

I don't know if this is relevant - just trying to express symapthy because I have landed in this situation a few times myself where people say "oh you're smug and entitled" when I'm thinking "WTAF - I'm just trying to get on with my own life?"

You don't sound smug to me, you handled it well and never drink the coffee again?

Again. Sorry, still can't work my iPad!

I don't think you sound smug either. And I'd actually be very tempted to show Wendy her daughter's message and say that you were having second thoughts and were considering letting her borrow the dress until she sent the offensive message. Too late now though....

Well actually I missed out the part where Wendy saw I'd thrown her coffee away and then she decided to throw the rest of her coffee in my face and then hit me over the head with her stapler.

I went home crying into the arms of my OH who dried my eyes with £50 notes. He then promised to make everything better by buying me a diamond saddle for my unicorn. We then had the servants make our lobster dinner.

Later on we heard a noise coming from the attic, I went to investigate and found Amelia in the attic stealing my wedding dress!!!

did I take it too far?

Thanks to the people who said that I don't sound smug. I would hate to come across that way so I'm glad not everyone thinks that.

And to the people that don't believe me then fine. I'm not going to bother to convince anyone. I really don't see what else could happen. A is now blocked and as for W I will continue avoiding her coffee. If I told her about what A had said I know it would just get excused by her mother.

I'd rather take the high road and ignore and forget.

No op does not Sound smug, why because she does nt want to lenda stranger
(and a horrid one at that) something dear and sentimental to her . Why is it that people are seen as smug if they are doing well, what's wrong with that , should we all be wallowing in woe and pity

I bought my dress from a charity shop, complete with tiara and veil. I wouldn't lend it to anyone but my closest friend. It's special and sentimental. I'm sure the woman will understand if she politely declines.

Oh honestly, MN sometimes.

Don't you dare be well off or have nice things and mention it. How dare you do well in life?!?!?!

OP, it's your dress. If you don't want to lend it, say no.

Personally I threw mine away, but my dad stepped on the train and ripped it and to me it was just a dress.

I haven't read all 400 replies on this thread but I'm surprised by the ones I have read. I think YABU. I'd love it if someone wanted to borrow my dress. I loved it and it would be lovely if it made someone else happy. I would ask to borrow a wedding dress but if I had the courage to ask a work colleague I didn't know well I would probably do it in a roundabout way with some hinting first.

I would lend it on the agreement that it was properly specialist cleaned before return and not altered. I'd keep in mind that there is a chance it could be permanently affected (I got oil on mine which won't come out) though. But for me, life is too short to worry too much about a possession I'm never going to wear again.

Ok I should have read the whole thread. Ignore me...

Nope, I don't think you sound smug either.

Your work colleague's daughter had some cheek, don't think you'd have got the dress back if you had lent it!

OP, as far as I can see you've behaved entirely appropriately and as many have said before me, Wendy has some serious boundary issues. Amelia is a rude, entitled arse.

Can I borrow your Unicorn?