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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Locked out of DH's garage

614 replies

auroramusisamica · 18/11/2012 22:16

Am silently fuming as DH has converted our garage into his 'studio' and refuses to give me a key. It has been about a year now and I didn't think much of it first, we agreed it was his place to work, is filled with his things and I had no desire to go in there.
However it has been dawning on me that I don't like being locked out of part of my house. There have been occasions when I wanted to access things (like blank DVDs or paint brushes) and couldn't get them.

I do go in there with him but I have asked for a key, several times over the last few months and he says I don't need one, it is just his stuff, he doesn't want me in there going through things etc.

If he had just given me one first I would have no interest but now it has become this big issue and his refusal is making me want to go through it (which is not like me, I know he has porn there & I don't mind, but he knows I know this so must be something else right?)

So AIBU to want a key, surely if he had nothing to hide he would just give me one?

OP posts:
Jux · 19/11/2012 22:58

My dh has a studio in our house. It is his room. It is never locked, the door is usually open.

I go in as and when I need to, which is not that often to be honest.

It is ludicrous to be locked out of a room in your house.

whois · 19/11/2012 23:38

So... I read up to about page 8. Has anything happened? Have the bodies been found?

OP I'm sure you don't need another poster telling you, but I'm going to anyway. YANBU and that is fucking strange he won't put a spare key in the drawer/box/wherever you keep keys. And the whole keeping it on him is mega odd.

CREEPY

DumSpiroSpero · 19/11/2012 23:57

no one behaves like that unless they have something to hide.

Not necessarily true, some people are just over very protective of their personal space.

My wardrobe and my handbag are mine - if I found DH poking about in either I would go batshit tbh.

tescocarrierbagexplosion · 20/11/2012 02:03

I'm desperate to know what's in there!! OP where do you live?! Can we all come and help break in?!

MadameCastafiore · 20/11/2012 05:36

Was thinking about this more last night and settled on the worrying fact that if he is doing something terribly illegal in there (other than this thread, which I am not sure is not a wind up because I have trouble viewing your relationship being so perfect but this big old dumbo sitting trumpeting at you!) when it all comes out no one is going to believe that he had a room in the house to which you didn't have access and had no idea what he did in there!

Imagine the pictures of you in your cardi looking bat shit crazy with the headline 'wife said she had no idea.............' Insert husband was Europe's biggest distributor of snuff movies or child porn or kept young girl prisoner in crawl space above garage!!!

Original poster
auroramusisamica · 20/11/2012 05:47

Morning all, that you all again for the replies. I am going to have another talk with him.

Lily - you think this isn't real because I haven't done anything yet? If I was making it up I could think of some great twists for you all but it is real and I have had work & children's clubs, husband at work etc. I will pick my moment, probably at the weekend and discuss again. I did start one other thread about my cousins wedding but that was a few months ago, I do normally just read the boards and have been a bit taken a back by how many replies I have had!

I know everyone is desperate to know what he has (& believe me I am too) but I need to do this in what I feel is the right way.

All the advice has been great (& have learned a lot about about breaking inSmile)

OP posts:
Cozy9 · 20/11/2012 06:05

HAvent you read bluebeard? Stay out of there!

Original poster
auroramusisamica · 20/11/2012 06:17

Think reading Bluebeard may give me nightmares!

Not that it matters now as I have my answer and that it is not normal and I will persevere until I get a key but if I were winding you up my next posts would definitely be me breaking in in the dead of night, snooping through drawers, guessing the password and regaling you with all the dodgy things I found, incl cheesy music, glass unicorns etc (& I do love those suggestions)

However I have a feeling that pushing this issue in the middle of family dinner or on the way to work etc wont get me anywhere so I will wait for a quiet time to confront him again. After a year I don't think a few more days will make much difference.

OP posts:
stuffitunderthebed · 20/11/2012 06:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cozy9 · 20/11/2012 06:34

I think he is entitled to some private space, as are you.

echt · 20/11/2012 06:37

I mentioned this thread to DH. His was response was the OP's DH was controlling/abusive and said OP should leave the bastard. But break into the garage first.

amillionyears · 20/11/2012 06:45

According to the op, he is a lovely man in all other ways.
Do his parents keep seperate, private, locked areas from each other?

MrsBucketxx · 20/11/2012 07:18

tis still odd, you know your dh better than us op.
good luck in what ever you do.

JustAnotherLlama · 20/11/2012 07:49

I agree talking to him at a time that is best for you is the way forward, however if you do feel he's hiding something from you, when you talk to him, demand that he takes you into the room there and then and log onto his computer for you. If you tell him you want access in so many days, then if he is hiding something he's got plenty of time to make sure it's completely hidden. Bitter previous experience just keep it in mind.

Cozy9 · 20/11/2012 07:53

If all he is doing is hiding something on a computer, there are ways of doing it that don't involve keeping the computer in a locked room.

Northernlurker · 20/11/2012 08:10

Sadly I think it's to do with the porn and in all probability it's illegal stuff. Ugh. Good luck OP.

LilllyLovesLife · 20/11/2012 08:38

I agree with JustAnotherLlama - if you just talk and get a spare key then anything dodgy will be removed. If he is clever enough to have got away with this for a year, he is not going to be stupid enough to give you the key and leave it in there.

We all know that he IS hiding something, or he wouldn't be so possessive about the key.

Is this an internal garage with a door linking from your house? Or a garage at the bottom of the garden?

Adversecamber · 20/11/2012 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flow4 · 20/11/2012 09:13

aurora, if you feel you should take it slowly, then I think you are absolutely right to do that. :) This is your husband and your marriage, and you are of course the best person to judge how you should handle the situation.

The people hoping that you'll bash down the door or hire a private detective on a cold grey Tuesday in November, don't have to worry about the consequences for you, your children and your marriage... People love a bit of drama, when it's in someone else's life!

To my mind, the important issue is that you are shut out of part of your home - and that situation has just evolved over time and been accepted by you both - but now you realise you don't like it, so you need and are right to raise it and change it.

Chances are, when he refused to give you the key, he was just being a bit of an arse rather than a psychopath or abuser... Hmm Or even more innocently, he doesn't actually realise this has become important to you, because it wasn't before and he hasn't been paying that much attention because let's face it, he wouldn't be the first man in history to miss major clues about his partner's worries or issues, would he?!

When you raised this with him before, it was an irritation but not much of a worry for you - now it is. Your concerns have grown, but I would bet a million quid he doesn't yet know that.

Just talk to him, so he knows that you are now seriously bothered by this, and take it from there :)

quietlysuggests · 20/11/2012 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cees · 20/11/2012 10:02

This really should not be something you feel you have to pick your moment with, it's just a key and he should just hand it over unless he is looking at something which he knows would disgust you.

Your even nervous of bringing up the subject again with him in case he goes into a mood. It doesn't bode well, does it?

LavenderPots · 20/11/2012 10:39

this would really annoy me =s is it attached to the house or seperate?

lottie63 · 20/11/2012 10:47

Sit him down. Tell him, it s making you worried and unhappy. If he says 'you re paranoid', explain that it's not that you're paranoid about the key per se. Rather it is his reluctance that is making you concerned, that you re struggling to find reasons why he won't give you one

lunar1 · 20/11/2012 10:50

I think adults are allowed their privacy but not to the extent of a locked room in your shared house. The more i think about it the odder it seems.

I know talking to him seems the right thing to do but to be honest i would be breaking in. All talking to him will do is give him time to think about it and move anything incriminating. he can then show you that everything is fine and say you are paranoid and go back to locking you out.

FFS he has a webcam set up to spy on you in case you go in. Does he have any mental health problems that may cause increased paranoia, maybe he needs to see a doctor.

SoggySummer · 20/11/2012 10:56

I am with quietlysuggests.

Much as I agree communication is the way forward - he will probably strop off then offer a key in a few days time when his secret has been eradicated or moved elsewhere.

At the same time its bad enough snooping even if the OP did get hold of the key, let alone hiring a hacker to hack his computer. Thats the stuff of films and soap operas and not real life. It would take nerves of steel to do that and if discovered would be the end of the relationship I suspect.

Its a shit situation. There is no easy way forward.

I would like to think if he genuinely had nothing to hide and was genuinely concerned about how upset the OP is about this situation he would say there and then "here is the key, go and have a look right now, I'll sit here and watch the kids whilst you do" - but he wont. So whatever the motive behind his key secrecy is unlikely to ever be disocovered sadly.

The more I think about this the more controlling I think he is.