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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Locked out of DH's garage

614 replies

auroramusisamica · 18/11/2012 22:16

Am silently fuming as DH has converted our garage into his 'studio' and refuses to give me a key. It has been about a year now and I didn't think much of it first, we agreed it was his place to work, is filled with his things and I had no desire to go in there.
However it has been dawning on me that I don't like being locked out of part of my house. There have been occasions when I wanted to access things (like blank DVDs or paint brushes) and couldn't get them.

I do go in there with him but I have asked for a key, several times over the last few months and he says I don't need one, it is just his stuff, he doesn't want me in there going through things etc.

If he had just given me one first I would have no interest but now it has become this big issue and his refusal is making me want to go through it (which is not like me, I know he has porn there & I don't mind, but he knows I know this so must be something else right?)

So AIBU to want a key, surely if he had nothing to hide he would just give me one?

OP posts:
MORCAPS · 19/11/2012 22:14

I know this is an 'out there' suggestion.

But couldn't you have a serious conversation with the man you are married and have children with and who has never previously given you any reason not to trust him?

Crazy I know, but just a suggestion. I mean obviously kicking down the door and inviting random strangers to hack into your husbands PC makes more sense. But could be worth a try?

DowagersHump · 19/11/2012 22:14

Gosh BBJ - you seem to know an awful lot of dysfunctional couples Hmm

Bogeyface · 19/11/2012 22:14

As was said earlier, people with nothing to hide, dont hide things.

He could easily say "The spare is in my bedside drawer, but could you please respect my privacy and not go in there unless you really need to?"

And that would be fine.

Its the secrecy that is the problem. As another pp said, there is a big difference between secrecy and privacy and I wonder if the OP is posting because rather than being "not bothered" as she was before, her instinct is now telling her that there is something wrong.

Bogeyface · 19/11/2012 22:15

MOR but she tried and he turned it around to her being unreasonable and refused to discuss it. If he discussed it then fine, but he wont.

LilllyLovesLife · 19/11/2012 22:18

Cahooots - except it's when he is NOT in there that she isn't allowed in

Cahooots · 19/11/2012 22:19

Mmm, fair point.....

Grin Blush
Proudnscary · 19/11/2012 22:20

Of course it's the porn. I'd bet my life on it.

There's just more of it and it's more unsavoury (not necessarily illegal) than he wants you to know.

Question is a) how do you feel about heavy porn use/the porn industry and b) how much is his secrecy over this affecting your relationship? Because I think judging by this thread a lot more than you've realised. The secrecy is eroding your trust in him and it's also taking him away from the family if he's wanking more than working.

I'm a bit in two minds about charging in there and demanding to see his computer though.

I am actually one of those MNetters who is all for snooping if a poster suspects an affair BUT if my dh demanding to see my laptop/ipad I'd be furious. Yes there are things I don't want him to see- posts on Mumsnet for a start! There are emails I wouldn't want him to see simply because they are private - for eg a close friend emails me a lot about her marriage and wouldn't want my dh to see. If he demanded to see them I'd tell him to fuck off.

MORCAPS · 19/11/2012 22:22

So have a whopping great argument about it then.

If you have gotten to the point in your marriage where you think you need to break into rooms and hack computers then your marriage is over anyway.

LaCiccolina · 19/11/2012 22:23

I'm sorry but this is now funny. Have u still not been in it?! 356 replies and counting and ur still dithering?!

He's not got a cannabis farm in there has he? Does iPhone/pad have a heat sensor app???

Any other imaginative ideas than serial killer/child porn ?

CaptainVonTrapp · 19/11/2012 22:24

I would give him a last warning that you aren't happy at not having access to each room in YOUR (joint) house. It suggests a real inequality and lack of respect and trust. And that you will knock the door down if he doesn't give you a key.

Then I'd knock the door down. Someone suggested this would be a breach of trust!! Entering a room in your own home is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Just because he has decided it is his private space that you may not enter without permission doesn't make this true. Don't start to believe that.

Having a password protected computer is quite a reasonable thing and I'd think very hard before attempting to hack it or similar. (I don't think you had this in mind though).

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 19/11/2012 22:26

I think he has a small but significant collection of glittery china unicorns.

It's really the only logical explanation.

maddening · 19/11/2012 22:27

Don't break in - add an extra lock to the door - a padlock perhaps - he can have a copy of your key when you have a copy of his.

LilllyLovesLife · 19/11/2012 22:27

LaCiccolina - exactly. That's what makes me think it's all just a wind up!

LilllyLovesLife · 19/11/2012 22:28

Suprise suprise - if you click on her name this is her one and only thread.

amillionyears · 19/11/2012 22:29

I am slighty umm about all of this.
I suspect there are plenty of posters on here who would not want their diaries looked at.

CaptainVonTrapp · 19/11/2012 22:29

amillionyears people are adamant the OP should have access to a room in her own home. I don't consider it prying to walk into any room in my own home.

I think the people suggesting breaking his password/hacking his computer are actually joking... (though I'm prepared to be corrected!)

amillionyears · 19/11/2012 22:30

I suspect that Lilly. I couldnt be bothered to look.

amillionyears · 19/11/2012 22:31

Captain, you wrote all that in 12 seconds. I am impressed.

amillionyears · 19/11/2012 22:33

True Captain.
I dont think they are joking about the password/hacking?

amillionyears · 19/11/2012 22:34

Actually, I dont understand hw you could have typed that all in 12 seconds, you are incredibly speedy Hmm

CaptainVonTrapp · 19/11/2012 22:35

It was in reply to your earlier post!

It has to be real because you just couldn't make it up.

CaptainVonTrapp · 19/11/2012 22:37

I hope the suggestions to get a hacker to the computer are tongue in cheek (much as I'd like to know what odd manner of porn he has on there)

However I have private stuff on my pc that certainly isn't illegal but I wouldn't like anyone to read. (emails to friend about her health etc)

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/11/2012 22:39

DowagersHump

I wouldn't call any of them dysfunctional (ok, maybe the DP who smashed the guitars), they just had differing attitudes to what should go in to the house. (although I would say that trying to sell someones stuff without them knowing is quite controling.

NotDavidTennant · 19/11/2012 22:41

If you really, really must gain access you just have to give him an ultimatum: either he shows you were the spare key is or you'll bring in a locksmith while he's out and you will keep a copy of the key to the new lock.

amillionyears · 19/11/2012 22:43

Captain, ohh. That was a coincidence then.