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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Locked out of DH's garage

614 replies

auroramusisamica · 18/11/2012 22:16

Am silently fuming as DH has converted our garage into his 'studio' and refuses to give me a key. It has been about a year now and I didn't think much of it first, we agreed it was his place to work, is filled with his things and I had no desire to go in there.
However it has been dawning on me that I don't like being locked out of part of my house. There have been occasions when I wanted to access things (like blank DVDs or paint brushes) and couldn't get them.

I do go in there with him but I have asked for a key, several times over the last few months and he says I don't need one, it is just his stuff, he doesn't want me in there going through things etc.

If he had just given me one first I would have no interest but now it has become this big issue and his refusal is making me want to go through it (which is not like me, I know he has porn there & I don't mind, but he knows I know this so must be something else right?)

So AIBU to want a key, surely if he had nothing to hide he would just give me one?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 19/11/2012 19:33

cloutiedumpling · 19/11/2012 19:37

I'm afraid I think he may well be up to something illegal. It is very odd that he will not even let you into the room alone. If he was up to something on the computer it would be password protected, but not even giving you access to the room makes me think there's probably something else. If he had childhood issues re privacy they'd probably have surfaced somewhere else in his life and not just in relation to this room. Was the camera fitted at about the same time as the garage was turned into a room? Can he view the images from inside so he can see if anyone is approaching?

DowagersHump · 19/11/2012 19:50

You have a locked room in your house, flow? Why?

I have an office which is out of bounds to people but I tend to trust them not to go in there. The only reason is that there is a lot of confidential client stuff lying around and I've signed confidentiality agreements. But I wouldn't dream of locking it

amillionyears · 19/11/2012 20:01

I have been surprised at this thread.
Normally on MN, most posters agree that you must not pry, even if the op suspects an affair.
I dont necessarily agree.

But on this thread, the vast majority are very much for prying.
I dont understand.
Is it just a different set of posters?

PenguinBear · 19/11/2012 20:07

Haven't read the whole thread so don't know if anyone has suggested this but can you not go in their at night OP when he is asleep?!

quoteunquote · 19/11/2012 20:09

Flow,I think the point is that the OP hasn't been suspicious - and still isn't, very. She posted because she was miffed and wondering whether she was unreasonable to insist on a key, not because she was terribly worried..

Am silently fuming

However it has been dawning on me that I don't like being locked out of part of my house.

So AIBU to want a key, surely if he had nothing to hide he would just give me one?

I know this does sound like a wind up but sadly it is not

I am getting worried now after some of the replies!

I do think there must be something

Believe it or not this is true and that's why I am going at my speed. Which will be a bit faster though now you have all confirmed that I should be worried.

It is not that I am afraid if upsetting him it just makes me sound so paranoid

Oh I would say she sounds worried, and with good reason, no one behaves like that unless they have something to hide.

tharsheblows · 19/11/2012 20:11

amilionyears, I think the difference is that people really REALLY want to know what's in that room.

Good luck, aurora - I hope it works out well.

amillionyears · 19/11/2012 20:24

tharsheblows

cloutiedumpling · 19/11/2012 20:26

I'm not sure I would want to know. If it something illegal then the OP would have to decide what she was going to do about it. If she found something like child porn would she be committing a crime if she didn't report it to the police, even if her DH said he'd destroy it?

LilllyLovesLife · 19/11/2012 20:37

Too right it should be reported though cloutiedumplings. If somebody had been doing that, In the same house as my children. With unsupervised contact and a locked away room - that needs some investigating! Not saying it is that, I am just saying IF.

Family members ignoring things like this is how so much gets left undetected.

naturalbaby · 19/11/2012 20:48

indeed - most of the posters want the OP to find out what's going on because it's just too mysterious.

We neeeeeed to know!!

He either has something to hide or has some sort of privicy/control issues. The question is how do you persuade him that he needs to let the OP in and reveal what he's been hiding prove that he's got nothing to hide and she's got nothing to worry about.

flow4 · 19/11/2012 20:55

Dowager, I have a locked room because I was burgled in the summer. I don't know whether you have ever been burgled, but it made me afraid and wary. Having internal locks fitted was one of several steps I took to make me feel a bit safer and more in control: keeping one locked means I don't have to think about security every time I go out.

Yup, usual, I agree the OP is worried now: you can't in-think these sort of thoughts, can you?

IneedAsockamnesty · 19/11/2012 20:55

Yes people with nothing to hide do lock things up.

People who think they have the right as an adult to unrestricted web access or unchecked texts/ email/ letters/ diarys etc and know they can't do so without locking things up.

I do nothing even remotely questionable at all but I lock everything up. From my perspective the second another person feels the need to check up on me is the second they leave my life. I have no desire to have someone in my life who would judge me like that.

Just because I have sex with someone and/ or have feelings does not mean they have the right to supervise my life.

flow4 · 19/11/2012 20:56

That should be UN-think, of course :)

cuttingpicassostoenails · 19/11/2012 20:59

I don't think he is up to anything particularly heinous but he IS playing power games. He is treating the OP like an untrustworthy child and behaving as though the house is his and she is only allowed access to what he feels she has need to have access to.

In my relationship this would be unacceptable.

This is not a relationship between two equal adults but a relationship between a man who feels that he is boss and a woman who feels powerless to challenge in an effective way.

Of course it's always possible that he is a modern Bluebeard with a secret fridge full of the heads of previous wives who challenged his right to keep secrets.

LilllyLovesLife · 19/11/2012 21:24

The fact that the OP still has done nothing and doesn't seem to be making any plans to either is really making me think it's not real.

MadameCastafiore · 19/11/2012 21:27

I'd get an axe and smash the door down. Fuck his sensibilities and your paranoia. Your paranoia is not paranoia or misplaced suspicion he is up to something and its dodgy mark my words. Whatever it is for him not to want you to find out means its immoral or illegal or both!

Rachog · 19/11/2012 21:31

If there was something on the computer why would he need to keep the whole room locked? Surely a password would be enough to keep the computer private?

At first I thought he was storing class a drugs, cocaine or similar but that was just getting swept away with the initial hysteria. Now I think that he is probably just protective of his work and wants to keep his work in progress private.

If it is making you uneasy then just tell him. I would go with what has been suggested upthread about how you know it is silly but it is important to you. If he won't let you have access to the room and computer immediately then I would worry.

MikeOxard · 19/11/2012 21:34

I agree with cutting. The OP seems to think this is a privacy/curiosity issue. It isn't. It's a control/respect issue. How dare he lock you out of a room of your own house? Get a locksmith in and get him to change his attitude or fuck off.

DowagersHump · 19/11/2012 21:46

I do kind of take your point about feeling violated like that but I've been burgled 8 times that I can remember and I still think it's unacceptable to lock your spouse out of a room in a house that they own.

flow4 · 19/11/2012 21:57

I don't have a spouse, Dowager. :) If I did, they would also have a key...
I am not for a moment suggesting it is OK for the OP to be locked out - I have said I would not like it at all if it happened to me - but neither would I like someone going into a room I kept private stuff in, without talking to me about it first, whether or not they had the key to it.

My key point is that aurora should talk to her DH if she values her marriage, not break down doors or sneak around or whatnot...

YourHandInMyHand · 19/11/2012 22:03

Those asking why he keeps the shed locked if the computer is password protected - perhaps he is worried someone else will steal the computer and find what's on it? That the dcs might borrow it? That the OP might simply have more opportunity to get into it and find his secret.

This is very very odd and I'm surprised you've gone a whole year accepting that you are locked out of a room in your own property and aren't allowed in there without your husband. Weird!

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/11/2012 22:05

A good few years ago some friends of mine bought a big house, just them and two children, (one of each) they bought a 5 bed property.

One of the "spare" rooms is the work from home office, they both use it.
The second room is locked. The children and the DP are not aloud in there unless my friend is there.

The reason is that he wants to keep all of his collectables, painted table top battle figures, in box toys, light sabers, collectors edition firgures/books etc. his wife wanted to throw them away, the deal was that he got his own room for the stuff that she never wanted to see and she got a bigger house.

Another friend has a locked garage for his spider (car) that he is restoring, his wife has tried before to sell it.

Another has converted his garage in to a sopund studio it has all of his guitars, and assoicated crap with it. His DP after a row has tried to brake his stuff. It is now locked out of the way.

Just a few reasons to think about.

Or he could -of course- just be a dick.

Cahooots · 19/11/2012 22:08

Maybe there is no mystery, the OP states that her DH has his stash of PORN in his room. She says she doesn't mind but I doubt Her DH wants her to walk in whilst he's, umm, busy

MORCAPS · 19/11/2012 22:11

I know this is an 'out there' suggestion.

But couldn't you have a serious conversation with the man you are married and have children with and who has never previously given you any reason not to trust him?

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