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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Locked out of DH's garage

614 replies

auroramusisamica · 18/11/2012 22:16

Am silently fuming as DH has converted our garage into his 'studio' and refuses to give me a key. It has been about a year now and I didn't think much of it first, we agreed it was his place to work, is filled with his things and I had no desire to go in there.
However it has been dawning on me that I don't like being locked out of part of my house. There have been occasions when I wanted to access things (like blank DVDs or paint brushes) and couldn't get them.

I do go in there with him but I have asked for a key, several times over the last few months and he says I don't need one, it is just his stuff, he doesn't want me in there going through things etc.

If he had just given me one first I would have no interest but now it has become this big issue and his refusal is making me want to go through it (which is not like me, I know he has porn there & I don't mind, but he knows I know this so must be something else right?)

So AIBU to want a key, surely if he had nothing to hide he would just give me one?

OP posts:
ll31 · 19/11/2012 17:25

Yep flow4 is way to go, I do think it seems v strange unless you have form for re organising Without consulting!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/11/2012 17:29

I would say exactly what Flow4 suggests. Make sure he knows that this is not a joke to you and that having access to the whole of your home is very important to you. Maybe say something like, "I want to trust you but how can I when you're behaving so secretively about your studio?"

mmmnoodlesoup · 19/11/2012 17:30

But, why would he have to lock you out of the whole room/shed if the computer can't be accessed anyway?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/11/2012 17:30

I would do what flow4 said - I would not be happy about this behaviour in my own home.

Cahooots · 19/11/2012 17:31

Is his computer the main computer? Ordo you have another one controlling the router/network?

McChristmasPants2012 · 19/11/2012 17:32

Flow4 speaks sense.

I would be livid if DH hacked into my accounts and he knows how to. If he ever broke my lock on my box then I would see red. ( all that's in there is my memories)

There has to be a reason why he is so paranoid about leaving the door locked

PiggeryJokery · 19/11/2012 17:34

How about waiting until the next time you need something from the studio and have to ask for access? Or next time he is in there, go and have a chat. Or what about if you have friends over, any way you can prime a friend to remark disbelievingly but jokingly how odd the situation is / how she wouldn't let her DH do this (preferably with a DH there who can agree).

Might be easier than having to launch a conversation about it out of the blue, which instantly escalates it into A Big Talk when it sounds like he would automatically go on the defensive.

Jux · 19/11/2012 17:40

Say what flow4 and oopslateagain have said. That is not accusatory or defensive or anything, just reasonable.

scarletforya · 19/11/2012 17:46

I would get a Private Investigator onto this. Or go to a shop like this and get a minature camera and place it so that it can view the screen of his Mac when he is using it.

Spouses can have their secrets yes but this is all wrong. Keeping you out of part of your own house and withholding the key from you?

That is sinister and unreasonable. I would be terrified it might be something like child abuse images or something. I don't like the fact that he just expects your blind, unquestioning obedience.

GhostShip · 19/11/2012 17:56

He gets defensive and sulks? Something wrong there.

I wouldn't do anything sneaky like people are suggesting, I'd be outright about it. Its up to him to prove that everythings ok, not for you to prove there's something wrong.

DowagersHump · 19/11/2012 17:56

You aren't paranoid if you say that you want a key in case you need a blank DVD or the fabric pen back or a pot of paint. And if he won't give you one, then he's the one that's being paranoid, not you.

I suppose you need to think of what you're going to do next if he still stonewalls. Personally, I'd skive off work for a few hours and break in (you can have a dentist appt or something). He's fucking with your head and now you've started thinking about why he won't let you in (particularly considering some of the more lurid suggestions on this thread!), I don't think you'll be able to go back to not knowing

quoteunquote · 19/11/2012 18:00

I'm not sure if I am missing something here,

I can't imagine being in this situation, as it wouldn't be acceptable to how I want to share my life,

But I would ask him to open the door, switch on the computer and let me look at it, if he didn't or resisted in anyway, I would end the relationship,

I would find it totally unacceptable to be made to feel like this justified or not, I would find that been put in a position where I was suspicious of someone in my life totally unacceptable, that alone would end a relationship for me.

no one when making a life plan, adds, Husband will make me feel insecure, and suspicious, by locking a part of our home, and has a computer I am not allowed to use.

chances are you are not the next Sonia Sutcliffe, but the man has gone to a lot of effort to keep something secret, so you have to decide,

ostrich approach, carry on and live with it,

Confront and deal with the reaction, will he immediately give you full access without any delays?

or do you assume he is up to no good, open that door, and take the computer to an expert who will be able to tell you, what your husband has been up to, if he objects after you do this, you explain that is what happens when someone behaves in a way that causes so much concern.

BetsyBoop · 19/11/2012 18:05

I would fit a hasp and padlock of my own and then refuse to give him a key! Then neither of you can get in without the other being present. If he's playing silly games then play him at his own game!

That way he can also experience how you feel about not being allowed into part of your home....

naturalbaby · 19/11/2012 18:10

if nothing else, I'd be more worried about electrical faults causing a fire in a locked room in my home.

HildaOgden · 19/11/2012 18:11

Walk straight in,unannounced,the next time he is at the computer screen.Don't just pop your head around the door.Go straight to the computer screen and look.Either

A.You will see something totally innocent,and decide he is just being ocd about 'his space'.
B.He will scurry to change tabs,all of a fluster.This totally gives you the right to demand he tells you what he is up to.

Do it.You have the right.And it's not invading any 'innocent' privacy of his.

Siobhan487 · 19/11/2012 18:31

Phone him when he is out - a decent distance/time away - and say you or a passer by has knocked on the door because they can smell burning and see what looks like smoke coming under the door and need to get in there ASAP - to unplug whatever it is before the whole house goes up - hopefully he will then panic and tell you where the spare key is hidden - then go out to get a copy cut before he gets back. When he comes screeching home - you just say - sorry - it was the neighbour in the house over the back that the smell was coming from etc... Here's your spare key - then look at your leisure. If he just wants you to turn the elec off - you can say it must be paperwork alight - I can smell burning!!! - if I can't get in there I going to have to call the fire brigade or get Bob down the road to kick the door in - I CAN'T just leave it!!

Rubbish to breaking his trust etc - it's your life and the safety of your family you are potentially protecting here - yes, as everyone says there are problems if he is doing this - however you want to come at this from a position of power and that comes from knowing what the hell is going on - if you are in there a camera etc is easy to put in...

No way in hell would I stick not being able to get in there a) I own the house too - I have a right to access b) what if there was a fire etc....

McChristmasPants2012 · 19/11/2012 18:34

In a case of a fire DON'T open a door, the air will feed the fire.

I am shocked how many posters don't know this.

Bogeyface · 19/11/2012 18:37

Lots of people know that Hmm

What they are referring to is the moment when you say "Can you smell burning?" and you walk around the house sniffing before realising that the bloke next door is having a fag next to the kitchen window (or whatever). By checking a burning smell to its source you can PREVENT a fire. Leaving it and calling the fire brigade when you arent even sure there is a fire thanks to your dickhead OH keeeping you locked out of a room could not only be embarrassing but expensive as they are allowed to charge for those kind of call outs afaik

McChristmasPants2012 · 19/11/2012 18:40

So what happens if the op don't find anything. She would of broken the trust and respect from her partner for nothing.

I wouldn't be happy about being locked out of any part of my home, but I belive the best way is to talk about it.

Some of the replys like getting a private detective, hacking computers, breaking down door, lying about fires ect are extreme reactions. If my DH did that the relationship and marriage would be over

TiredBooyhoo · 19/11/2012 18:55

as much as i agree with everyone saying "what if she finds nothing, she will have breached his trust for nothing"

i would bet my life on there being something to find on that computer. in OP's shoes i wouldn't have made it a year before telling him his behaviour had caused me not to trust him and that the relationship was over. i just could not be in that kind of relationship.

Siobhan487 · 19/11/2012 18:59

Yes - OBVIOUSLY if there was a fire you wouldn't open a door BUT a smouldering wire, which would smell (burnt plastic smell - is very distinctive) etc you would get to and unplug etc to stop it developing into a fire (it's not even a real fire anyway - it's just an excuse to get hold of the key so I don't see the point in debating the correct safety procedures in case of a fire - not really the focus here) - my point is if she says there is a potential fire - then he has a choice - tell her where the key is or risk losing the house/calling out fire brigade/Bob from down the road kicking the door in or protecting his secret - it's got to be damned impressive secret if he would risk the house for it - which would tell her a lot in itself - if I was frightened something was smouldering in my garage/room I would get in there however I could.

And I hardly think she can lose his respect and trust - how is what he doing being respectful and trusting of her?? By not letting her into part of her house and not trusting her with a key ?? You think that is showing someone respect and trust?

Siobhan487 · 19/11/2012 19:01

That's exactly what I meant Bogey - thank you!

flow4 · 19/11/2012 19:12

quote, I think the point is that the OP hasn't been suspicious - and still isn't, very. She posted because she was miffed and wondering whether she was unreasonable to insist on a key, not because she was terribly worried...

McC, I absolutely agree. I have a locked room in my house, and a password-protected PC, and a briefcase with a combination, and any number of personal papers and files... and if I found anyone going through these without talking to me first I would be livid. If it was DP, then it would almost certainly end the relationship. It would be a terrible intrusion and breach of trust.

aurora, I don't think you need to worry about being paranoid. Locked room and secrets fascinate people - it's just human nature! :) You started with a little niggle, and it has grown - that can just happen sometimes in a relationship (e.g. DH's snoring that didn't bother you, but now does; DP going out down the pub too often, and at first it's fine but then... etc... You get my point :) ) Now your curiosity is piqued, you need to know...

I think you can probably say exactly what I suggested earlier. If you're worried about sounding silly, then you can head that off by saying "I know this sounds silly, but..." If he starts being sulky, you can say something like "Please don't be like that. I know this doesn't seem important to you, but it is important to me...

You said you trust him and you generally have a good relationship, so this conversation is probably going to be a bit embarrassing... But that's better than letting that niggle grow and grow into a great big worry.

Andwhatever the circumstances, I think breaking in, hacking the PC, sneaking around etc. are bad ideas... A good marriage is based on truth not lies, trust not mistrust, straight-dealing not double-dealing... Isn't it?

NarcolepsyQueen · 19/11/2012 19:29

What would happen if somebody knocked on the front door for him whilst he was in his studio? Could you answer the front door and go and get him? I would happily volunteer to be the door knocker if you promise to share your findings with us!