Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Locked out of DH's garage

614 replies

auroramusisamica · 18/11/2012 22:16

Am silently fuming as DH has converted our garage into his 'studio' and refuses to give me a key. It has been about a year now and I didn't think much of it first, we agreed it was his place to work, is filled with his things and I had no desire to go in there.
However it has been dawning on me that I don't like being locked out of part of my house. There have been occasions when I wanted to access things (like blank DVDs or paint brushes) and couldn't get them.

I do go in there with him but I have asked for a key, several times over the last few months and he says I don't need one, it is just his stuff, he doesn't want me in there going through things etc.

If he had just given me one first I would have no interest but now it has become this big issue and his refusal is making me want to go through it (which is not like me, I know he has porn there & I don't mind, but he knows I know this so must be something else right?)

So AIBU to want a key, surely if he had nothing to hide he would just give me one?

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 19/11/2012 15:58

Every time I lock myself out of places with Yale type locks I just boot the door in hard by the lock it usually sends the bit on the frame that the lock fits into flying off then all you need to do is replace or fix that bit.

fred I am the most privacy guarding person I know seriously I can be a nightmare I could be married to you for 15 years but if you pick up my phone to go through it or read my mail with out asking me first and waiting for me to say yes, then I will divorce you.but even I wouldn't lock up a room like that without first having a partner snoop be told not to then repeat a few times.

And they would damn well know that I locked up stuff because I couldn't trust them to respect my boundaries.

If they feel they don't trust me not to be doing something I shouldn't and as such need to covertly check my stuff then they should exit my life.

Op look under your kitchen draws they are ideal places to tape a key

MissVerinder · 19/11/2012 16:00

To be honest, Lavender is right.

DP is an IT guy and often remotes onto other people's computers when they're working from home to fix their issues/find files etc.

I think it just needs to be switched on and he needs their IP address.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 19/11/2012 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lavenderhoney · 19/11/2012 16:02

The camera on the mac- not the security one:)

Maybe you could smudge it ( the security camera ) with mud and see if he cleans it. That will tell you if he is watching for intruders/ you.

It is strange, but what else happened a year ago that you remember? Did you know him long before marriage, have you looked him up, asked his mum to find out? Mil normally love a mystery)

IneedAsockamnesty · 19/11/2012 16:04

www.hotfrog.co.uk/Companies/Sly-Fox-Investigations

This is the private investigation company I often use they bloke that owns itis very good with computers, and he's a nice chap

IneedAsockamnesty · 19/11/2012 16:06

Sorry

www.hotfrog.co.uk/Companies/Sly-Fox-Investigations

Lavenderhoney · 19/11/2012 16:10

I think they just need his ip address of his mac, so get him to reply/ send you an email from his mac and it will be on the header. Then a professional should be able to help you.

No idea about a secret spy camera, disguised as a pot plant? Might look a bt weird though, suddenly appearing with a ponsiteta! what about you insist on putting up decorations and a tree in there?

flow4 · 19/11/2012 16:11

I can see why you haven't done anything before, aurora... Up to this point, it obviously hasn't even occurred to you not to trust your DH :)

I'm surprised by the number of people suggesting that you break in. To me, that would be a breach of trust. I would not like being locked out either - not at all, and I do think you should do something, but I don't think anything sneaky is the answer.

Either you ask him directly, or you carry on ignoring the situation, as you have for the past year. I'd ask, if I were you...

"DH, I've been thinking about that lock. It bothers me. I don't like being locked out of part of my own house, and it makes me feel like you don't trust me. It makes me wonder whether you have something to hide, and I don't like that. Can you please just give me the spare key? And if you don't want to, then you have some explaining to do about why..."

If you feel you can't talk to him, then I think that means your relationship is already in trouble.

If he refuses to listen, then you may have a problem, but you can cross that bridge if you come to it...

Astelia · 19/11/2012 16:14

Time to take a look OP. it is probably nothing, but but but....

piprabbit · 19/11/2012 16:14

flow4 - that is a very wise and sensible post.

oopslateagain · 19/11/2012 16:15

Look, unless you seriously think he's hiding bodies, it's pretty obvious that he's either hiding porn/an affair on the computer, or he's just being insanely secretive for no good reason.

Ask him straight out for the key. Tell him that it's ridiculous that you have to wait for him to come home if you need something from the shed. Tell him you respect that it's his 'space' and will only go in there if you actually need something.

And when he says "No", ask him why. If he gets angry or defensive, ask him why he's getting angry or defensive. Don't be drawn into an argument; just ask calmly - you are asking something completely reasonable - to have a key to part of your own house. If he still refuses, ask if he trusts you.

This is an emotive issue; please don't push it if you are truly worried about his reaction - but if that's the case, think hard about your relationship.

OneMoreChap · 19/11/2012 16:15

Isn't this a case of there's some smoke?

Ask him outright, and base your next actions on his response.

Do have clear in your mind what your views are on things like porn, gambling, other women?

Explain to him that this is what his actions have made you feel over the last year; and that he's threatening your relationship by it.

Yes, there's a risk you'll end up feeling silly if all he's doing is playing Gwaar the Night Elf or whatever; that's much better than letting these doubts fester.

If he doesn't let you in, you'll get the keys when he moves out on divorce, FWIW...

FredFredGeorge · 19/11/2012 16:16

Getting hackers into the computer is a relationship ending process no matter what you find - if it's nothing at all or Michael Bolton downloads, he leaves, if it's anything bad you leave. So why not just leave? By the time the trust has broken down that much the relationship isn't going to survive.

Or instead sit down with your DP and say, "I know I didn't want a key originally, it was your space, but I'm now feeling wrong that I don't have access to the space, so let's get the spare key out so we can both use it." You can also decide if the paranoia of this thread is enough to make you need to see what he's actually been doing there, and if so tell him and demand that re-assurance.

Please do not break in though unless you want to end your relationship and you are absolutely convinced he's up to something you need evidence of.

oopslateagain · 19/11/2012 16:17

oops - x-post with flow4 who stated it much better than I did...

MonkeyRisotto · 19/11/2012 16:25

Put superglue in the lock, then neither of you can get in. Seems fair...

EldritchCleavage · 19/11/2012 16:29

Not wanting to spoil people's fun, but...it's not your computer, it's his. And password protected. If you hack it, or get anyone else to hack it, you're committing an offence under the Computer Misuse Act. Just so you know.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/11/2012 16:29

I've been thinking a lot about this and I think Flow4's suggestion is the only way forward. Anything else will damage your relationship beyond repair whatever you find. If there is an innocent explanation, or one you could live with at least, then Flow4's way forward means your relation would at least still be tenable.

I wish you luck whatever you decide to do.

PurpleGentian · 19/11/2012 16:35

Agree with flow4

IneedAsockamnesty · 19/11/2012 16:44

Is it not a matrimonial asset owned jointly by both?

Floopy21 · 19/11/2012 16:49

why would getting access to your own garage mean the marriage was over?!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/11/2012 16:54

Yes it is and there should be no question of not allowing OP a key. BUT if OP breaks into her DH's locked studio or hacks his computer she places herself firmly in the wrong and he won't be able to trust her anymore.

So if it's something relatively minor, eg growing cannabis for personal consumption, and she wants to forgive him, he probably won't be able to forgive her. If she has the conversation that Flow4 suggests and DH still won't either give her a key or a bloody good explanation why not then she may need to take more drastic action.

IneedAsockamnesty · 19/11/2012 17:08

Fwiw if she tells him that he provides a key by such and such a date or she will break in I think she's being fair. At least in the absence of good reason for locking it up

Original poster
auroramusisamica · 19/11/2012 17:16

Thank you flow4, ghoul & others that is just it. I really really don't want to have to break in, that is em why I think I have left it for so long, he is entitled to privacy but it is so suspicious! How do I bring it up with him again without sounding unreasonable. Whenever I have in the past he gets so defensive and sulks for the whole evening. I can't think of a good reason to even discuss it again without sounding accusing (even though I am!)

It is not that I am afraid if upsetting him it just makes me sound so paranoid (even though I am)

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 19/11/2012 17:20

Flow4 's suggestion is a great deal better thn mine, and op, I apologise for inciting you to hack...

I wouldn't threaten divorce though! Seems a bit extreme but you might feel very strongly it's a deal breaker.

However he can show/ tell you anything on the pc he wants you to see. I would just check the bank statements and credit card statements and make sure you can account for everything, as he may have paid from them, or opened another account with on line statements only if he has taken large amounts of cash out or is self employed and can tell people where to send money.

Still curious though:)

amillionyears · 19/11/2012 17:20

You could make a private space of your own and make a big fuss, to make sure he notices. Then see what his reaction is. this plan wont work if he just says ok then!