Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 ··· 24 25

Original poster

Locked out of DH's garage

614 replies

auroramusisamica · 18/11/2012 22:16

Am silently fuming as DH has converted our garage into his 'studio' and refuses to give me a key. It has been about a year now and I didn't think much of it first, we agreed it was his place to work, is filled with his things and I had no desire to go in there.
However it has been dawning on me that I don't like being locked out of part of my house. There have been occasions when I wanted to access things (like blank DVDs or paint brushes) and couldn't get them.

I do go in there with him but I have asked for a key, several times over the last few months and he says I don't need one, it is just his stuff, he doesn't want me in there going through things etc.

If he had just given me one first I would have no interest but now it has become this big issue and his refusal is making me want to go through it (which is not like me, I know he has porn there & I don't mind, but he knows I know this so must be something else right?)

So AIBU to want a key, surely if he had nothing to hide he would just give me one?

OP posts:

diddl · 19/11/2012 12:45

But if there was a fire-why would she want to unlock it and go in?

HilaryClinton · 19/11/2012 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 19/11/2012 12:49

Fred are you the OP's DH? "she doesn't respect the privacy of his private space" - she doesn't want to go in and have a root, she just wants not to be deliberately locked out of a space in her own home!!!

FWIW I live with just myself and DD so I 'own' all the space in my house and love that it's private and just mine (I do knock everytime I go into DD's room though - that space is hers).

However if I had a DP I would never lock them out of a room (even though I'm v private about my space not that it's an absolute tip or anything )

I might lock a room/shed with valuables in it, but my partner would always have a key - if I didn't trust them not to interfere with my valuables (fnar) then I wouldn't trust them enough to be with them.

StanleyLambchop · 19/11/2012 12:50

given that the OP has said that she wants the key to go get things (paint brushes, blank DVD's whatever) then she doesn't respect the privacy of his private space

But why should he take up a whole area in a jointly owned home and say she is allowed no access to it? If that is where paint brushes and spare DVDs are kept then why can't she go in and have access to those things? Privacy is having a lock on the bathroom door. It is not on to deny someone a part of their home in the name of privacy, certainly not as a couple, who by the very nature of things should be capable of sharing. What is his great secret that he can not let his wife in on it? Surely it has to be worse than a few Michael Bolton CDs?

LilllyLovesLife · 19/11/2012 12:50

I don't understand OP - you say, you are convinced it's JUST a boring affair or something like that. If I thought for a min my OH was having an affair I would do whatever I could to find out the facts, not wait a year and then shrug it off when everybody is telling you it's dodgy!

If he ever leaves his keys around, can you not take it off when he isn't going to use it (ie before he leaves for work) and then go and get a key cut while he is out, and return said key at next chance, leaving yourself with a key he doesn't know about? And if you didn't go in there that day then he probably wouldn't notice? If he is guarding his keys so much you can't do that then Yes, I think it's extremely dodgy and I think I would be tempted to kick him out till I got to the truth. I can't live with somebody I don't trust.

Where is the camera? On the inside or outside?

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 19/11/2012 12:52

There's a difference between privacy and secrecy that's the thing.

You can have people respect your privacy without needing locks.

diddl · 19/11/2012 12:54

If OP needs to go in & get things-she needs a key, obviously.

For me personally, if my husband had taken over the garage & I didn´t need anything from there, I couldn´t give a flying fuck about it being locked.

Original poster

auroramusisamica · 19/11/2012 13:18

Lily - when I said 'just' an affair it was in comparison to having bodies in the walls! I don't have any other reason to suspect an affair, just the locked door.

FredFred - I almost agree with you, the camera for security and a lock to protect equipment is reasonable (not that it is worth a fortune but a pain to replace) the brushes & DVDs are ours, I suppose it is 95% his stuff & bits that make sense to keep there as I don't use them and I would have checked with him first anyway. He also occasionally borrows some things from the house that end up there eg he used a fabric pen & I needed it for uniforms, called him to ask if he had borrowed it & it was in there & had to wait till he could unlock it for me. I really don't want to go through his stuff which is why I haven't stolen the key and searched before

It is really the fact that it is my house too and I can't get in there if I needed to that bothers me. If it was a locked box or drawer, no problem. He has a lock box for documents that has been with us at previous houses and I have never felt the need for a key to that.

I just cannot think of any reason that he keeps denying me a spare for emergencies other than he doesn't trust me or there is something hidden.

I came on here to see if I was being unreasonable in wanting access and I don't think I am. I will probably will have another word with him, will think how to word it reasonably

OP posts:

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 19/11/2012 13:19

It is very weird.

How much time does he spend in there, and when? Is it mostly when you are around, or does he lurk in there in the evenings or work there during the day when you're out?

One thing you could try, if you think you can pull it off (some acting skills required to avoid seeming suspicious) would be, at times when he does let you in while he's there, subtly wander over to/ask questions about/pick up and put down things in different parts of the garage, and watch his reaction - see if there are particular areas or actions that make him more twitchy. Also, it would be especially good to do this with the PC - make up (or cause) some issue with yours and ask to do some job on his and see how he reacts?

What would he do if you were both in there together and he needed to pee, for example? - would he leave you alone there for that long, or would he even avoid doing that? Ply him with coffee and then find out

Kethryveris · 19/11/2012 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FredFredGeorge · 19/11/2012 13:25

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey But the OP wasn't bothered when he first constructed the space, when the fact there was only 1 key was presumably because there was only one key and not because of anything else.

So the request for the key when there's no reason to have one came later - and depending on how that came up and how it was discussed could have made the OP's DP worry about his privacy. Which is why to me it sounds like the demanding access which is not needed for any other reason than to invade the privacy was declined.

Of course I could be wrong, there could be more to it, but on the balance of the information provided, and on my own ideas of what would be a relationship ending invasion of privacy AEIBVU to suggest that the OP breaks in. When she's finds there's nothing in there that she didn't already know about - is the "but a load of people on the interent said you were a paedophile Michael Bolton Fan", going to smooth things over?

FredFredGeorge · 19/11/2012 13:28

auroramusisamica I do think it's a bit unusual for there not to be a spare key in the house (what if he lost his keys when out) and therefore you to have access to one - particularly if he takes things in there which you do need.

It's just the solution is not breaking in!

chubbychipmonk · 19/11/2012 13:31

I'd be expecting a knock at the door shortly from the police in relation to some 'illegal pornographic downloads' on his computer!
. . And in the cupboards there's just paperwork? What sort of paperwork??
Think someone mentioned earlier on line gambling? I'd definately be trying to get in there, get the computer unlocked & get into the browsing history ASAP!!

Original poster

auroramusisamica · 19/11/2012 13:32

There is a spare key, the locksmith gave us two but the second key is hidden and he won't give it to me.

He is usually in there at night, while I put the children to bed, do house work etc. I have never been in there when the computer is on. On a weekend afternoon I have watched a movie with him but have never tried to stay when he is working. I am usually a distraction or need to be with the children in the evenings (they still wake a bit)

I have popped my head round the door but due to the position of the screen, can't see anything

OP posts:

waltermittymissus · 19/11/2012 13:33

There's something on that computer.

AnyFucker · 19/11/2012 13:34

He is in there at night, while you put dc to bed and do the housework ?

Your husband is very much in charge, isn't he

OneMoreChap · 19/11/2012 13:37

Couple of thoughts:

Possibly watching porn and is ashamed of his taste in it
Possibly playing something like WoW and is ashamed of that
Childhood privacy issues.

Odd behaviour, though and certainly needs discussing.
[DW can walk into my office and see screen over my shoulder]

StanleyLambchop · 19/11/2012 13:40

So he also holes himself in there while you put the children to bed on your own! Does he not help with bedtimes?

AnyFucker · 19/11/2012 13:42

Nicely casual dripfeed there, OP

I am feeling a gentle tugging on my chain.

cloutiedumpling · 19/11/2012 13:46

Is it possible that he could be doing something illegal, and he doesn't want you in there to protect you from it? It is very odd behaviour.

msrisotto · 19/11/2012 13:48

I would be incandescent about not being allowed the spare key, i'm sorry, it may not be a big deal but he's making it into one!

GreenyEyes · 19/11/2012 13:54

Tbh my DH could have a couple of bodies and a suit of human skin hidden in our garage for all I know. I don't go in there much.

But if he locked me out of it, I'd take the frickin door off and I do mean that seriously.

chubbychipmonk · 19/11/2012 13:56

Hmmmm. . . So the position of the computer screen is in such a way that you cant see it when you pop your head round the door??

And it's got a pass code on it??

And he can't help with kids bedtimes coz he's on the computer??

There's DEFINATELY something being hidden from you on that computer, possibly an addiction to gaming/gambling/porn??

Like I said, I'd get on the computer ASAP! You must know someone who is good with computers who can get 'access' (break into) the shed with you when he's not there & go through the computer. You seem to be making light of this & not overly concerned? Are you not worried there's something dodgy going on? Does he do all the family finances? Have you seen your bank account balance in a while? I know of someone who racked up £60,000 of on line gambling debt, was totally addicted to it and partner had no clue. Not trying to scare you but I think you really need to act on this!

NomNomingiaDePlum · 19/11/2012 13:57

op owns the property, op should have access to it. end of.
i doubt it's anything more than your dh being a tosser, though.

LilllyLovesLife · 19/11/2012 13:57

So when does he go to work? And when does he spend time with you/his children?

Sounds to me like maybe he is having an affair, or possibly chatting to women online, or men or something sexual related.

Can you not find a reason to want to borrow his PC for the evening? If he has nothing to hide there would be no reason for him not to let you. Maybe yours is running slow and you want to get something done on it? I am assuming you can't both be in the garage when your children are in bed so therefore would have the place to yourself?

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 ··· 24 25