MIL and the chocolate advent calendar

[toomanydaisies]

My MIL has given us chocolate advent calendars for our dc. Dc have seen them. And will want them because of the chocolate.

But I'd already bought advent calendars to give to them ON 1ST DECEMBER!!! Beautiful (non chocolate) ones.

I hate chocolate advent calendars - dc aged 5 can have a small chocolate every day but dc aged 1? No way. But I'd rather the excitement was about seeing which picture they had, not just cramming chocolate into their mouths.

More than anything I'm annoyed that my MIL has (yet again) done things her way without checking with me (the parent) first.

Her other DIL gave the chocolate advent calendars back to MIL and said that no, her children were not having chocolate ones. This has really hurt MIL so I can't do the same - I know she means well. But I feel like our new family traditions are not bring allowed to develop because MIL intervenes.

I know I'm overreacting. But aibu to feel a BIT annoyed about this?!

gotthemoon ouch! And with that spiteful post I'm bowing out...

It's terribly sad, I hope I'm loved a bit more when I'm a MIL :(

I can't believe this thread is still going on - over a bloody advent calendar!

I firmly believe our children are a 'gift' to be shared. Not owned and controlled by us. The happiness my DD brings to my DPs and DPils is a joy to behold, and she absolutely adores them. SO WHAT if a child has too much chocolate, or two cakes, or too many presents. If the child enjoys them, if the GPs enjoy buying them, it it brings them some love, some joy, some happiness then WHO CARES?

What happens when the GPs die? Are you seriously going to sit at the funeral GLAD that you stamped your feet over this, or will you wonder if you should have been more accommodating?

Someone earlier said Grandparents have already had the chance to do this with their own children Actually, maybe they didn't, maybe money was tighter, maybe they were working all the hours to make sure you/your DHs had a good life. Now they want to enjoy the fruits of their labours.

DMIL had a rotten, horrible time bringing up DH and DSILs. Not a button to her name, and an abusive prick of a husband to boot. Now she is 'comfortable' she spoils all her grandchildren rotten - because she can. I for one am NOT going to ruin that - even if it means my lips are firmly bitten at times.

I barely remember my GPs, maternal side were dead before I was born, paternal died when I was 7 and 12. Some of my friends still have living GPs - and I am jealous. I'm going to make sure DD remembers her GPs with love and affection - and sweets

toomany, sadly to me you are coming across as spiteful towards your MIL. Please read LtEve's excellent post, and try and understand where we are coming from. One day you will be a MIL, and I'm sure you would hate to be treated this way. :(

I would agree with "picking your fights" however I absolutely understand your wish to develop your own Christmas traditions.
Imo yanbu to not want your 1 year old to have chocolate - that is entirely your choice and you shouldn't feel pressurised into a compromise you are not happy with. You could make 2 calendars into a nice tradition though, perhaps Grandmas in the morning & yours before bed or vice versa? I do see though that the issue is you trying to create new family traditions for your family & not particularly over either chocolate or control and that's not you being unreasonable.

Oh pinkpeacock, that's made me glow for the rest of the day. Thank you. x

gotthemoononastick
The year is 2011...my Grandmother died, she was a spiteful narcissist, who was deliberately controlling of her children and their new families, she would brag about how she would be more horrible than the other MIL's. She never took a moment of her time to pick ME a present, she refused to pick individual presents, even for her own children, as it was favouritism, so we all got the same. She would ask me how I was then would turn her back on me before I could answer, every single time. My Mum and Dad did their best for us not see her true colours, but children aren't daft, we knew, besides she started to make comments directly to us. She once gave me a bar of chocolate, whilst telling me I was fat. It became harder for my parents to cover up her bad manners. I felt so sad for my Dad, his own Mother hurting him and the people he loved so badly. In the last 15 years I had seen her maybe 4 times. I didn't go to her funeral, I haven't cried.
I'm now having to watch my children's GM treating them almost the same, I'm just glad she's not vicious like my GM.

Scaredycat...yes!!....just what I was trying to illustrate.We all have our own perceptions and the saying "life's a bi* and then you die" is not there for no reason.

The thing I'm realising is you can't manufacture magical memories

This is the one fact of the entire thread. When mine look back they have completely forgotten some of the things that I did to make 'magic moments' and they remember ones that I have completely forgotten until reminded.

After reading this thread I asked my DD this morning if she minded that I had bought DGS a chocolate advent calendar. Her reply - have you been reading MN again?

I buy them for both adult DD's, and their partners. Can't ever imagine not doing so. They might be grown up but they're still my DC. It's just a silly little way of saying I love you, and to help make their partners feel included in our family. DGS is only five months old but to not get him one would be like saying I don't care about you and I'm sure his mum won't find eating his chocolate for him too much of a hardship. .

For me the important thing isn't the calendar, it's the love with which they are given.

Oh Lord.
I'm quaking in my boots now.
I've just come back from a 2 day break and have bought a most beautiful wooden christmas tree with little drawers in it numbered 1 - 24 - clearly an advent calendar.
I've spent the afternoon filling these little drawers with lovely individually wrapped, tiny, swiss chocolate bars and now I've come on to MN to find out that my Neice will hate me forever for buying this for her DS!
What shall I do?

Ask her if she minds.

Wingedharpy- just gibe it to her- I'd be thrilled if someone went to so much Christmassy trouble for my children! it's lovely.

give not gibe.

Yes give it to her, its a lovely gift. :)

Oh, give it to her, WingedHarpy; 99.9% of people would be genuinely delighted for their dc to receive this (I would )

I think it's fine to not want to give a one year old chocolate. My mil brought 2 choc calendars yesterday for me and hubby (we are both 35 and I have to say I find it a little absurd that she does it every year for grown adults but that's another matter entirely). She made a comment to my 6 month old that she could have one next year and my instant reaction was shock that she would give an 18 month old chocolate. She won't even have all her teeth then.

shock that she would give an 18 month old chocolate. Oh, ffs.
She'll have plenty of teeth by then.

Never mind two advent calendars- we've always had to do two separate Christmases!

Because we travel- by air, restricted luggage + carrying gifts for large extended family- there is no way we can actually take dc's Christmas presents with us to be presented on the appropriate day (apart from a tiny token gift for the stocking). So we have an extra little Christmas ceremony before we go, usually on the 3rd Sunday in Advent. It's become our own special little family tradition. I've been surprised to find it's not taken the shine off anything: my dc have masses of magical memories, just not necessarily identical to the ones I had anticipated.

So OP, I think you have made a wise decision about the morning and evening openings. Nothing will be spoiled, something will be added.

(Perhaps you could create a new beautiful tradition of taking MIL's cake round the homeless shelter, or inviting some disreputable friends around for brandy and cake in the run-up to Christmas?)

*shock that she would give an 18 month old chocolate. Oh, ffs. hmm
She'll have plenty of teeth by then. *

Isn't the best bit about chocolate is that you dont need teeth as it melts at body temperature

My kids' chocolate ones never last longer than the 3rd Dec.....just leave them within easy reach

YABU - it is a tiny piece of chocolate we're talking about here,presumably mil isn't going to have laced them with arsenic.

She was trying to be nice and you are being very OTT.

OK, I know I will be shot down in flames. I am, according to my DM, a sugar Nazi. I'm not. DD (2 yo) has had chocolate and sugar and all that. However, she is a fifth of my weight so one or two chocolates a day would be like me adding 5-10 chocolates to my diet. Not great, I think you will agree. Also, it is only for a month or more than 5% of that child's life at 18 months. So, if I added 5-10 chocolates to my diet every day for 2 years, would it affect my health? Rot my teeth? Maybe. It isn't a good idea, certainly.

Now I know that children's diets are different and my maths are a bit wonky but I just don't think children need chocolate every day. I speak as someone whose DN was just told that she needs 7 fillings at 8 years old. Her DF thinks there is nothing wrong with a bit of chocolate either. My DD has 'treats'. She thinks that yogurt is a treat.

MrsTerryPratchett - I don't think you are unreasonable in wanting to restrict chocolate to your child. I intended to do the same with DD but without success (essentially, DD is a sugar addict - her first taste and she was hooked).

However, I don't think the OP's issue is really to do with chocolate. I think it's probably much deeper than that - the idea that the MiL is trying to undermine her parenting, in much the same way as when grandparents insist on buying pink trash for your kids when they know you hate pink. I think present-giving can sometimes be an act of passive aggression (in fact I even thought of starting a thread on this, but someone else beat me to it with the "worst present you ever received" thread). I mean, as a general rule, I think if someone gives you or your kids a present you don't approve of, you should accept it gratefully on the assumption it was meant kindly. But if you believe they're doing it deliberately to undermine your authority as a parent or even just to wind you up, I suppose that's different.

it is only chocolate.

it won;t kill them

unless they are allergic....