MIL and the chocolate advent calendar

[toomanydaisies]

My MIL has given us chocolate advent calendars for our dc. Dc have seen them. And will want them because of the chocolate.

But I'd already bought advent calendars to give to them ON 1ST DECEMBER!!! Beautiful (non chocolate) ones.

I hate chocolate advent calendars - dc aged 5 can have a small chocolate every day but dc aged 1? No way. But I'd rather the excitement was about seeing which picture they had, not just cramming chocolate into their mouths.

More than anything I'm annoyed that my MIL has (yet again) done things her way without checking with me (the parent) first.

Her other DIL gave the chocolate advent calendars back to MIL and said that no, her children were not having chocolate ones. This has really hurt MIL so I can't do the same - I know she means well. But I feel like our new family traditions are not bring allowed to develop because MIL intervenes.

I know I'm overreacting. But aibu to feel a BIT annoyed about this?!

MIL used to buy chocolate advent calendars and post them to my DS's. (Lived a long way away). I was always a bit 'meh' about it, but we opened chocolate calendars before breakfast for that 'naughty' excitement of eating chocolate before breakfast. Then we had our traditional calendar, and lit the Advent Candle, in the evening. Our traditional calendars vary by the way, twice we had sticker nativity scenes where the picture was built up one sticker a day, one year we had some mimi crackers that you pulled to get a piece of the nativity scene. So we used both types seperately.

MIL died suddenly when DS1 was 5, he is 11 now and still misses the fact that Christmas parcels don't start with the Advent calendars in late November. I now buy chocolate Advent calendars too because they remember that Grandma used to send them. I guess what I'm saying is that my children's Christmas was richer for their Grandma's involvement, and they (and I) would far prefer to still have that involvement now. I'm glad I let them enjoy the calenders.

singinggirl- you have just put your finger on why it matters so much. Letting GPs have free, uncontrolled input can be so enriching. It is so important to include them in the golden moments rather than exclude them.

Their future is a lot shorter than ours.

YOS - absolutely. After all, most of your child's memories will be based around you. Those memories of grandparents are so important, and you don't know how many years they will have to make those memories. As an aside, I am hosting five relatives at our house over five days for Christma this year, because DS2 said that he had never seen all the family together at Christmas. I am dreading it in some ways - but feel that one Christmas is not much to give for my children to have a memory of everyone together.

Oh OP...I can see where you are coming from in that you would like to set your own traditions with your DC and also I wouldn't be that keen on giving my 1 yr old a piece of chocolate everyday for a month (he would get used to it and think that's the done deal!) lol

However by the sounds of it you mil was just getting over excited about Xmas and wanted to do something nice for her DGC.

My DS is first GC to my pil and although he's not even born yet my mil has already bought him a baby's 1st Christmas stocking/cracker/bauble!!
We haven't even bought anything for him yet! But I just smiled and told mil that she can keep those things for at her house as we will be spending Xmas morning there (providing DS and I are comfortable after birth!) she seemed happy enough with that.

Some things you just have to grin and bear it for family sake but you have every right to come on here and vent!

I'll repeat what I said earlier in the thread toomanydaisies - you are being very dignified in response to some quite rude behaviour on this thread.

I think there are gifts, and there are gifts. Some are loving, thoughtful gifts, intended only to make the recipient happy. These should be accepted in the spirit in which they were intended - even if the recipient (or their parent) wishes that they hadn't been sent.

But there are also "gifts" which are designed to control or manipulate or create an obligation - and these are not loving or thoughtful gifts and the recipient is entitled to be more circumspect in their response. I've seen countless threads on here about it. It's why MPs have a register of gifts and business people can't accept anything over £50. Read up on the Native America tradition of potlatch.

I don't doubt for a minute that the advent calendar fell into the first category. And clearly - for most people on here - that's what advent calendars from GPs are for them.

But where you wrote "More than anything I'm annoyed that my MIL has (yet again) done things her way without checking with me (the parent) first." suggests that you get more than your fair share of the second type of gift as well. It's not really about the advent calendar.

Some people have experience of this kind of behaviour and sympathise with you, whereas others - possibly because they no longer have MILs or DMs in their lives - don't see it at all. I know that there are children out there who would love to receive an advent calendar from their GPs because it would show that they thought about them sometimes. Yours must seem like a very first world problem to the parents of those children.

But I still think YANBU for feeling as you do about this. And to let your children have both calendars and respond graciously to your MIL - while venting on here - is exactly what you should do. And you have. So there's no need for the rudeness you've experienced.

I like the picture ones and hate the chocolate character ones. But sadly DS doesn't feel the same way. I got him a picture one last year and he was totally meh about opening it. I had to remind him every day. Hardly the magical memories I thought would be created.

The thing I'm realising is you can't manufacture magical memories. They happen organically, by accident usually.

DH and I are in our 40s and our parents are in their 70s. DS is only 3.5 and we are conscious that our parents probably don't have decades left with him, like we hopefully will, so we try to keep out of his relationship with them. We leave them be to spoil him rotten with unhealthy treats as they choose and hope in the future he will be left with lots of happy memories of Christmas and other special times with his grandparents.

Quenelle- I agree. We are in our 40s too and we just want our kids and their GPs to have great memories, so I relax and let a lot of things go. They have a great relationship which I pretty much keep out of. It's wonderful to give my parents such happiness after they gave my childhood their best shot.

PS- I always buy myself a nativity picture advent calendar and the kids are similarly not interested! They feel sorry for me for not having a chocolate one!

You remind me of when my rose tinted specs were firmly on when DS was little. I was really looking forward to watching The Lion King with DS and E.T but he really wasn't interested and I was so upset as was really looking forward to sharing my favourite films with him. I did get over myself though my DS has always had his own ideas. However I am pleased he liked watching the snowman with me Sorry slightly off topic I know.

And my DH always buys himself a chocolate one. It was always going to be a losing battle with DS.

Thanks treats

This is Mumsnet, a forum for mothers.

Every MIL, without exception, is a mother, and many mothers, maybe even including the OP, either are MILs or will become MILs.

So: chocolate advent calendars? The kind thing, for the sake of your children and your MIL, is to smile and accept them.

And for your own sake, be happy about it. You do not want to be the other sort of person.

In case anyone's missed it, it's now almost 24 hours since OP posted that she's going to open the non-choc advent calendar in the morning and the choc one after supper. And she appreciates that MIL loves the GC. Etc.

So win-win, and well done OP. I agree with Treats that you've handled this thread with humour and dignity.

I always make my dc birthday cakes. As do most of my friends for their dc. As did my Mum for me. As did my friend's Mum's.

My mil knows that I always make a cake. And she still brings a shop brought cake "as an extra". Is it precious and ott that I object to that? My dh has asked her not to. She still does it. The cakes she brings almost never get eaten as dh and I make huge cakes. I find it really weird, but she finds it really weird that I like to make birthday cakes myself.

This only slightly irritates me now as I've had 5 years of it. She brings a cake, I say thank you, it stays in its box. It gets taken to school/ local hospice/ friends a few days later.

I think she buys the cake automatically. And fwiw it's exactly the same cake for each birthday - and she buys the same cake for every family member. So it's not as though she's found a special cake that fits a gc particular interests etc.

As I say, it doesn't really bother me now because I know how to deal with it. So I hops no-one says I'm drip feeding.

And anyway, if you read up thread a bit you'll see that I now have a good plan for the advent calendar and a better attitude about it.

I do think the responses have been really interesting, so thank you.

Does everything have to educational and activity based? Isn't the point that it is a fun thing not a bloody sats exam

youoldslag, the most reasonable Mner ever! I feel a bit sorry for you as well, I am thinking of making a mum advent calender that has a slug of something strong behind each door, like those liqour chocolates but just the alcohol not the horrible confectionary. if it comes off I will send you one a year for life...

like this ?? gin advent calendar . (hic)

Well, you are drip feeding really, aren't you? If I'm not allowed to make it about the chocolate, I'll make it about the cakes...
No child will complain about having two cakes either.

I'd read it that your MIL is bringing you a gift of cake. She might be a crap baker, and not want to bake one, not everyone can. I appreciate that you've sorted out the Advent Calendar, but it would be nice if you could accept your MIL's offerings at face value. She will be an important part of your children's life, and really should be accorded more respect.

MILs can be lovely, positive things in one's life, if nurtured and allowed to participate. My DDs adore their paternal grandparents, they are a massive part of their lives, and I would miss them terribly. MIL and I have had our ups and downs, we've not always seen eye to eye, but I always assume that what she is offering is genuine, and we have grown to love each other dearly.

The year is 2030...my mother was a spiteful narcissist,who wouldn't allow darling Granny's well chosen Advent calenders in the house.We always knew she hated Granny.Felt so sad for Dad as he was in the middle of all this...am cutting her off now.She can rot alone in the care home.Am I being unreasonable?

Be careful, they get to choose your care home too...

I have boys and it's always so depressing to read the MIL threads.

After reading the opening post I was going to tell you to get a grip & say that it's only an advent calendar. However, having read the whole thread I see it's not just an advent calendar.

While the advent calendars themselves would not piss me off, the "extra" birthday cake every blooming year would! It is clearly because of other "gifts" over the years that you have taken exception to chocolate advent calendars this time round, which is understandable.

FWIW, I prefer the picture ones too. They were the only option when I was a child & I actually do remember getting excited about what picture would be in the window tomorrow! My own DCs have never felt that way about them however - it's all about the chocolate here .

missbeehiving i agree! My own mil can be annoying but i grit my teeth because ultimately she loves my children; het grandchildren and that is good!!

So many grandparents arent involved with their grandkids i am happy mine are and yes they buy extra advent calenders and cakes when i have made my own, but if a childs bday and xmas usnt the time for a little extra cake/treats and spoiling when is? In the big scheme of things having two bday cakes or advent calenders does not matter!