MIL and the chocolate advent calendar

[toomanydaisies]

My MIL has given us chocolate advent calendars for our dc. Dc have seen them. And will want them because of the chocolate.

But I'd already bought advent calendars to give to them ON 1ST DECEMBER!!! Beautiful (non chocolate) ones.

I hate chocolate advent calendars - dc aged 5 can have a small chocolate every day but dc aged 1? No way. But I'd rather the excitement was about seeing which picture they had, not just cramming chocolate into their mouths.

More than anything I'm annoyed that my MIL has (yet again) done things her way without checking with me (the parent) first.

Her other DIL gave the chocolate advent calendars back to MIL and said that no, her children were not having chocolate ones. This has really hurt MIL so I can't do the same - I know she means well. But I feel like our new family traditions are not bring allowed to develop because MIL intervenes.

I know I'm overreacting. But aibu to feel a BIT annoyed about this?!

Youold did you previously tell your mil that you have issues with hotwheels and don't want your dc's to have them? If not then no it's lovely I hope he enjoys playing with it and you fight the temptation to play with them at 3 am. They are rather good fun.

No, I was using that as an example to illustrate how ridiculous micromanaging looks.I do not expect GCs to check with me about advent calendars. I would expect them to check with me about major purchases, if they want to, but only so we can avoid duplicates, not so I can law down the law.

Also- more than one advent calendar is not EXCESS. it's just grandma buying one as well as Mum and Dad.

And no, OP, it's not about the chocolate it's about the fact that you expect to micromanage even a one pound advent calendar and that you see such a gesture as muscling in on your children's childhood, which apparently, is just for you to enjoy and not for the GCs.

My DSs grandparents add all sorts of wonderful touches to their lives that I wouldn't have thought of or wouldn't have time to do. I don't expect them to check with me.

My mum invariably gives them a big bag of sweets every time they see her. Since it's only twice a year, I don't complain.

My mum called me about four weeks ago to say that she had bought my DD (but not my DS) two, yes two, advent calendars. One chocolate and one pretty one. Lovely thought etc (apart from the fact that she forgot about my other child!) but I have one wooden one I use each year and my DD had already picked out her Gruffalo advent calendar this year. So this year, I have to open 4 with her every flipping day.

What slightly galls is, couldn't my mum have asked first before getting the second advent calendar and also, my grandparents never got me an advent calendar (it was my mum's special treat to me and my brother each year to give us just one - no way would I have been allowed two!) so I'm not entirely clear on why my mother thinks two calendars from her is necessary. The hypocrisy is slightly irritating more than anything, I think.

But, in the overall scheme of things, it is a nice gesture, my DD will like them and I may just not do my calendars this year and ask mum not to get any for the DC next year. Four seems a bit OTT by anyone's standards!

Every time I'm on mumsnet I read at least one thread that has me scratching my head. What a non issue. Why do some people get so possessive over their children when it comes to mother in laws!?

Bet your poor mil can't wait for Easter, op. (It not being about the chocolate, and all that...)

@ Sockreturningpixie.

You've given me a great idea. This year I will adorn ds2's Christmas tree with plastic soldiers - some of which will have had their legs cut off because "they've been doin' a Christmas war".

Can't be bothered reading 13 pages, sorry...

(1) Two Advent calendars is fine
(2) It is a teeny amount of chocolate for a five-year-old
(3) You eat the one-year-old's share

Easy peasy.

There are battles worth having. This isn't one in my opinion.

Had actually been admiring the M&S Advent calendars where you build a town and been thinking about sending some to family members where such things are unlikely to be available. I know now what a callous and undermining thought that was!

It makes me determined that if I am a ever a Grandma I am not going to run all my present ideas through the parent! I was never such a controlling parent so I will be very disappointed if they expect to control me.

It is complete non issue.

ImaginateMum- don't you dare post advent calendars- what are you trying to do? Take over their childhood? "parent" them? You're so insensitive!

(NB this post was sponsored by Heavilysarcastic.com)

PS totally agree with your post. This is a non issue.

My dad made ds a stocking last year when we were staying for Christmas. It didn't even occur to me to be offended or upset, I just thought it was a lovely gesture! Especially as he used the same stocking I always had when I was growing up but then my dad still sends me an advent calendar every year and i am 38

My DS1's first christmas we were staying with PIL over christmas. I know he was only 9 months, and that for this year only it didn't matter. So on the day MIL kept telling him that Father Christmas would be coming that afternoon, she had a huge FC sack filled to the brim. Boxing day she tried to give me an woven Advent calender she had bought at a Christmas market, not child like in the least, that I could fill myself she told me. I was so shocked/bemused that I said No thank you, I don't want to do that, and never even touched it. I know that was very rude, I really didn't mean to be She also gave us a babies first christmas tree decoration, after Christmas, why?
The thing is this is in a long line of things. She thought she could decide the guest list to our never happened wedding guess why . When we announced our first pg and she wanted to buy stuff I said please remember I don't like colour X, 90% of what she got was the colour. I could go on, but I'll bore you even more .
So yes OP, you are allowed to not want them. Glad you have more manners than me.

Exotic I wouldn't expect family to run through gifts for Xmas etc via me as the likelihood of duplicates happening is slim its never happened ever,it may come up in conversation but it may not.

I just don't see the harm in saying " are you doing the advent calender or would you like me to" because lots of people will view more than 1 as excess or may have strong views about how commercial some are there could be lots of reasons why.its an opportunity to learn about each others differences or preferences, especially when it's a tinys Xmas.

But thinking about it I'm not really sure anybody else has ever even considered buying one for any of my kids without asking if they already have one.

If you ask and nobody objects then its fair game because nobody can say you didn't or then cause bad feeling.

plutocrap - But MILS have had their Xmas moments and traditions with their children, why the hell do they need to play pretend mummy with their gc too?

pommededechocolat, sorry, I missed your reply in all the excitement, but actually agree: I was being shocked by the sneering at the OP!

They are not playing pretend mummy, they are being what they are, grandparents, doing what nice grandparents do, spoil their grandchildren.

Exactly bruffin.

It would seem on MN grandparents can't do right for doing wrong!

Some of them do do the pretend mummy thing to undermine their Daughters/DIL.

Not everyone is as great at being parents as we are. Just cos YOU may have a loving mother, means jack shit for the rest of us.

It's all about the bigger picture. If the DIL feels that there's an agenda or an edge, there just might be.

that post was not directed at anyone in particular btw :)

I can't be arsed to read the whole thead but my mum buys DS an advent calendar every year. Because he's her grandson. And I'm not stingy enough with his love or our traditions to resent her for that. She also buys him a stocking.

Children's love isn't finite - how sad that you want to deny your children her love and affection because you feel so horribly threatened by it

Oh and fwiw - we have 3 advent calendars - one that we share (alternate days), one chocolate one that is his and one lego one that is his.

I might get a 4th one just for me because I like the pretty pictures :)

There is no such thing as too many advent calendars

DDs and I are spending Christmas with the XPILs this year. They have unofficially adopted me as their daughter.

They will have a stocking from me, one from XH, one from the grandparents, and one from their very indulgent aunt (XH's sister). They are the only grandchildren, and are very indulged. This does not bother me one jot.

XMIL has always bought them an advent calendar. It has never occurred to me to be annoyed by this, I've always simply thought how lucky my DDs are to have such kind and loving grandparents.

YABVVU, Christmas is a time for family, not petty rules and regulations.

I must be very lucky indeed because my children love there gp's very much and the gp's love them nobody needs to prove or demonstrate this with 24 bits of sponge bob shaped chocolate.

I find it sad that your new tradition seems to exclude everyone else.

Is mil even aware of any of these traditions? It's a small gift for your children, they will appreciate the chocolate and why not. They might even prefer it over your one

Traditions grow/happen, they are not created.

Your post made me laugh scaredycat - why on earth would your DM give you a Babys first christmas bauble after christmas - weird in the extreme.

But generally I feel YABU apart from the fact that it encourages children to eat low quality chocolate. MILs and DMs should be encouraged to buy this www.hotelchocolat.co.uk/chocolate-advent-calendars-P300306/ and who's to know if it ever makes its way to the GCs

And chocolate is not evil. It's a God given right of all small children and their mothers.

Facepalm