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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and the chocolate advent calendar

543 replies

toomanydaisies · 14/11/2012 06:42

My MIL has given us chocolate advent calendars for our dc. Dc have seen them. And will want them because of the chocolate.

But I'd already bought advent calendars to give to them ON 1ST DECEMBER!!! Beautiful (non chocolate) ones.

I hate chocolate advent calendars - dc aged 5 can have a small chocolate every day but dc aged 1? No way. But I'd rather the excitement was about seeing which picture they had, not just cramming chocolate into their mouths.

More than anything I'm annoyed that my MIL has (yet again) done things her way without checking with me (the parent) first.

Her other DIL gave the chocolate advent calendars back to MIL and said that no, her children were not having chocolate ones. This has really hurt MIL so I can't do the same - I know she means well. But I feel like our new family traditions are not bring allowed to develop because MIL intervenes.

I know I'm overreacting. But aibu to feel a BIT annoyed about this?!

OP posts:
cantspel · 14/11/2012 18:37

All this i planning new traditions seems just so forced

The things that will be remembered for years to come are the spontaneous things that happen and the traditions that start by chance and you carry on because they were fun. Not the planned and over thought about type of advent calender bought.

Remember one day you will be someone's grandparent. Do you want your children growing up to think it is natural to exclude you under the disguise of having their own family traditions?

IneedAsockamnesty · 14/11/2012 18:42

So a parent wanting to buy a child there advent calender is forced and micromanaging

But a grandparent doing it isant.

And I would be more than comfortable with my children growing up knowing that when they have children of there own they get to parent them as opposed to me.

cornishsue · 14/11/2012 18:43

Oh dear, your post has made me think. I have always bought chocolate advent calendars for my children and certainly intended to with future grandchildren too. I have also always bought one for my nieces and nephews too...never thought that the DN's parents may have not approved. I always thought it was a nice gesture to let the DNs know I was thinking of them in the run up to Christmas (they live a long way away). Whoops....maybe all along I have been offending them. Oh dear!!!

ps my DM and MIL had sometimes bought advent calendars for my children when they were little, and I was always delighted to give them to the children - like you have said one in the morning and one after tea at night.

seeker · 14/11/2012 18:49

"So a parent wanting to buy a child there advent calender is forced and micromanaging "

No, a parent insisting thatntheir advent calendar is the only advent calendar is forced and micromanaging.

YouOldSlag · 14/11/2012 18:57

And I would be more than comfortable with my children growing up knowing that when they have children of there own they get to parent them as opposed to me.

Oh FGS- it's an advent calendar! They're not trying to forcibly raise the children their own way! Get a grip! If you don't know the difference between parenting and buying an advent calendar for someone then we're all in trouble.

So my MIL buying Hotwheels for my son- is she forcing and inflicting her belief that he should play with Hotwheels on me or is she just being nice because it's his birthday?

You are overthinking and micromanaging! The world's gone mad.

TidyDancer · 14/11/2012 18:57

I'm always stunned when threads like this pop up. I know I shouldn't be, but I am.

OP, you keep saying 'a bit', like you're a bit controlling and a bit unreasonable.

If this really bothers you enough to start an AIBU? about it, then you're more than just 'a bit' on both points.

Don't be ridiculous and try to stop this next year. Let your MIL do this nice thing for her GC, it's not that big of a deal and you seem to be doing your best to make it into one. Your MIL sounds like a very nice lady.

Don't sweat the small stuff, really.

IneedAsockamnesty · 14/11/2012 19:30

It's not a problem at all if a grandparent/ any other relative does anything at all for a child if the parents are ok with it.

It's certainly not a problem if a dc's has so many advent calendars they can start there own shop,if the parents think its ok, it is if the parents would prefer them to only have one.

Some families have no problem with excess some do its a personal choice.

Deciding things like that is part of parenting regardless of you agreeing with me or not. I get to decide that for my children just as my parents did with me and there parents did with them,and my kids will with there own.

Earlier on I was lurking on gransnet thinking if it looked like a thing my friend would enjoy I would point her in that direction as shes a bit delicate for here and I saw a thread that talked about the importance of remembering that no matter how hard it is and how tempting it is to do otherwise its vital to remember that your gc's are not your children. I happen to agree with that, I was also amused to see a fair few rants about the gm's own mil/ DM

Youold did you previously tell your mil that you have issues with hotwheels and don't want your dc's to have them? If not then no it's lovely I hope he enjoys playing with it and you fight the temptation to play with them at 3 am. They are rather good fun.

bruffin · 14/11/2012 19:38

The best traditions are the ones that evolve by themselves ie we did this last year and it was nice, so let's do it again.

And those dissing the cheap chocolate,for kids with nut allergies the kinnerton ones are the only ones they can eat.

usualsuspect3 · 14/11/2012 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BustyStClaire · 14/11/2012 19:41

It is an advent calender, get a grip woman

Original poster
toomanydaisies · 14/11/2012 19:43

Wow - just checked back and the debate goes on!

I understand that people may not want to read umpteen pages of the thread, but a few recent posters obviously have t read any of my posts except the first.

It's not about the chocolate.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 14/11/2012 19:50

I would never send one back, I'm not rude Hmm

I just said I find it annoying and a bit disappointing TBH, because it was something I was looking forward to, but I don't see the point of buying one if he has one (or more) already. It is always MIL and ex-MIL who buy them - it never happened in my family so poss why I am a bit taken aback by the "gesture".

Horsemad · 14/11/2012 19:52

Wonder if my MIL posts on Gransnet?! Probably dissing me as I speak for wanting to do things 'my' way Grin I think she's finally got the message that she's had her turn & WE are the parents, not her.

HellothisisJoanie · 14/11/2012 19:54

OP you are being a nob

sweat the big stuff man

Flossiechops · 14/11/2012 19:56

Meh, my 2 dc have three chocolate calendars, one of each set of grandparents and one from dh and I. I'm grateful they have lovely grandparents who love them enough to think of them. I feel very sorry for your poor mil, how dare she give her grandchildren a treat, wicked woman!

Original poster
toomanydaisies · 14/11/2012 19:58

hellothisisjoanie you are rude

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 14/11/2012 20:02

I'm that terrible creature - a MIL and a GM. What I'd add, for what it is worth is that yes, you do need to be sensitive to the views of your grown-up children. I'd not, personally, buy dgd a chocolate advent calendar but then I'm not a great fan of very small children having chocolate. I'd also check with ddil so far as her preferences were concerned too rather than foist anything on her. However, when my dcs were small I wouldn't (and didn't) get irate over things like Advent calendars.

But there is another side to the coin, especially so far as Christmas traditions are concerned. You don't have to guard them so preciously because you don't own them and actually, cannot control what will or won't become a tradition. You may be surprised to discover that things which you find irritating, your dcs find a charming part of Christmas. Or you may find that things you invest a great deal of emotional time over, are not valued as much as you'd expected.

When my dcs were small, they looked forwards, enormously, to the tradition at my PIL's house known as "Grandad's Gravy Game" which occurred shortly before Christmas lunch was concerned and concluded with "Grandma Getting Very Cross". Oddly enough, they were nowhere near as sentimentally attached to some of the more rosily sentimental and customary Christmas traditions.

TidyDancer · 14/11/2012 20:10

Joanie didn't phrase that particularly well, but tbf, the sentiment is right.

OP, with the greatest respect, you are being silly and you need to let this go completely.

And fyi, I have read the thread, just in case you think people aren't!

exoticfruits · 14/11/2012 20:13

All this i planning new traditions seems just so forced

The things that will be remembered for years to come are the spontaneous things that happen and the traditions that start by chance and you carry on because they were fun. Not the planned and over thought about type of advent calender bought

I agree. Traditions spring up because they are liked.

I understand that people may not want to read umpteen pages of the thread, but a few recent posters obviously have t read any of my posts except the first.

It's not about the chocolate

I know it isn't; it is about parents wanting to control the entire environment once they have DCs -they can only control themselves.
You like Advent calendars with nice pictures and there is nothing to stop you giving them that type of calendar. However you can't expect Grandparents to check with you first. You can have 2 Advent Calendars! (and one small chocolate a day isn't going to harm the one year old)

exoticfruits · 14/11/2012 20:14

Pick your battles and a chocolate advent calendar isn't one of them!

InTheNightGarden · 14/11/2012 20:16

YABVU - why can't they have a picture one and a chocolate one? As for 1 year old if it's that bigger problem to you why don't you bite a small piece off for him/her and you eat the rest? It's chocolate, not rat poison!

The chocolates have pictures on aswell btw ;)

IneedAsockamnesty · 14/11/2012 20:16

pandemonia

Indeed for as long as she was able to do so my eldest has played the 'lets watch mum get all antsi about the Christmas tree whilst we all snigger until she works out what we have done to it' game. It usually involves moving things around and adding things she knows I'm not fond of. All the kids think its great fun.

She didnt think it was so funny when her first Xmas in her own place I took great delight in moving everything on her tree bounced on her bed left my empty tea cup on the floor and talked all the way through bambi.

But she still does it at mine Grin

kerstina · 14/11/2012 20:21

YABU makes me sad when people get upset by well meaning people. My DS ended up with about 4 advent calenders one year! He was delighted just adds to the excitement. Save your frustration and ill will for people who do more than by DC chocolate. Sorry not read all the thread but might go back and read as apparently it's not about the chocolate Hmm

HellothisisJoanie · 14/11/2012 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

HellothisisJoanie · 14/11/2012 20:22

Fucking hell.
I'm boggling at the offence people can take.