MIL and the chocolate advent calendar

[toomanydaisies]

My MIL has given us chocolate advent calendars for our dc. Dc have seen them. And will want them because of the chocolate.

But I'd already bought advent calendars to give to them ON 1ST DECEMBER!!! Beautiful (non chocolate) ones.

I hate chocolate advent calendars - dc aged 5 can have a small chocolate every day but dc aged 1? No way. But I'd rather the excitement was about seeing which picture they had, not just cramming chocolate into their mouths.

More than anything I'm annoyed that my MIL has (yet again) done things her way without checking with me (the parent) first.

Her other DIL gave the chocolate advent calendars back to MIL and said that no, her children were not having chocolate ones. This has really hurt MIL so I can't do the same - I know she means well. But I feel like our new family traditions are not bring allowed to develop because MIL intervenes.

I know I'm overreacting. But aibu to feel a BIT annoyed about this?!

It's perfectly possible to treat your gc's without treading on a parents toes with no hard work at all.

Prarie you are so right. It's great to see that some things never change.

I used to do the same thing. Why we have to do it at 2 o"clock in the morning, I don't know,

I have often arrived at DGC's birthday parties to find the parents struggling to keep their eyes open because they have been up half the night making beautiful themed cakes.

Their memories will be the same as mine.

I love my DGC to death but I also know I am their Grandma not their parent and sometimes when DCD begs to stay over and her Mum says "Not this time because we are having a family weekend at home" I fully support and understand her.

I too understand where you are coming from and good on you for accepting it graciously. It is coming from a place of love and she probably thinks she is 'helping'. You could always just lose her one behind the sofa or let DC have both.

My DB and his partner came round one time to 'help' me at Halloween i.e. his partner who is 'creative' was going to paint their faces. I can't describe how irrationally angry this made me. I just wanted to scream at them: 'Where the hell are you at 3am when they are puking their guts up, or at 7am for breakfast EVERY morning. Have you ever babysat for me? Have you ever done anything for me? No, nothing, but you want to come round here and take one of the few fun things out of the whole drudgery of motherhood away from me?' Of course I didn't say any of this, because they think they are 'helping' (and I would have sounded like a complete nutter), so we did a child each, but this 'helping' was so far removed from the help that I could actually have done with.

For 365 days of the year I get to shout at my kids to wipe their arses properly, wash their hands, chew with their mouth closed, homework, shoes on the right feet, etc.

Christmas is my time to be nice to my kids, if I want to stay up late with DH thinking up new and naughty things for the Elf on the Shelf to do well that's so my children might have a just a few memories of me being something more then a shouty dogsbody. Not all the fun stuff has to come from parachuting, purchasing-happy grandparents.

On my DS's first birthday, the party was at FIL house with all decs done by his partner, cake was done by MIL, best presents by far were brought by DM & DF, and the food was all done by DGM. I sat back with a cup of tea and glorious smile on my face knowing I would remember this day forever with nothing but fond memories and gratitude. My DS had a wonderful birthday and he still loves me very much despite being a lazy cow

Thank you all for replying!

My 5 yr old will have her advent calendar. My 1 yr old won't (will use the chocolates to decorate the chocolate log maybe?!).

They will both have lovely non chocolate advent calendars each morning!

(Oh, and I'll let my 5 yr old open door 25 on day 24 because its an Advent calendar!)

I don't know how I can ask mil not to do this next year. But the chocolate ones can be an after supper thing, the calendar from us can be the first thing in the morning one.

I am grateful for the love she has for my dc. But I am also a bit protective of the fun bits of being a Mummy - as lots of you seem to understand!

Those telling the OP to "unclench" should go back and read goodluckbear's post again. It's quite an extreme example but the issue here is about GPs muscling in and taking over those moments that mothers think should be reserved for them.

We've all got different things - I'd be more than happy for my DM or MIL to take DD for a haircut or to buy shoes. At Christmas time, I don't much care for trips to see Santa, so I'm very happy to delegate those to anyone who wants to do them. Some of you feel the same about advent calendars.

But - for me - hands off the advent calendar, the stocking and her birthday cakes [fierce look]. Whoever is first in the line of fire when it comes to looking after sick children or wiping up their poo gets first pick - afaic - of the "precious moments" that make it all worthwhile.

There's still plenty left for the GPs to get involved in. It's much better for the children if they get taken out on a special treat with Grandma or get a special gift that they wouldn't otherwise have got because their own parents don't care about it, than to have two of everything.

But she is not stealing precious moments! she won't even be there every morning/evening when they open it!

It's not as if the GM has rearranged Christmas Day or is turning up every day to watch the advent calendar being opened, it's just something nice for her GCs.

I really cannot see it as muscling in on precious moments. It's a bloody advent calendar.

Incidentally, other relatives buy my DCs advent calendars, so they often have 2 or 3 to open. Does it take the shine off? No! It doesn't make my efforts any less important to my DCs and it doesn't lessen the moment because the relatives who bought them aren't there. It's ME who's there, not them, so buying an extra advent calendar doesn't make a jot of difference to anything.

I really think this is making a mountain out of a molehill.

What Treats said ^
I am a total bit of a control freak about stuff like this, but when my mum bought DCs a cheap choc advent calendar each this year I gritted my teeth and said thankyou. I told my DCs that this year I will be treating myself to a special non chocolate advent calendar with pictures and (important) glitter
My MIL, however, has bought DD1 a "sparkly frock from BHS", and I just know she will try to insist that she wears it on Christmas day. No chance.

I don't really know how I'd react to my mum 'muscling in' - she didn't give a shit about all that stuff when I was a kid and she doesn't give one now either!

Just read the first few pages of replie.....personally there is no was I'd give a 1 year old a chocolate calender, plenty of time for that, the 5 year old I would....can't help but think you have been given a hard time on here. Just be polite about it to GP and ditch one of the calenders.

The chocolate in advent cals is usualy lard with sugar and brown colouring and I wouldn't feed it to my one year old.

Hide Granny's advent until the day or so before xmas or granny's next visit or chuck out.

I understand, OP - YANBU. I don't have children, but I know that if/when I do have them I will be very protective of the traditions and indulgences that I see as "special". Grandparents have already had the chance to do this with their own children, so it's only fair that the new parents get to choose which moments/objects/experiences they want to share and which ones they want to keep between themselves and their offspring. As sweet as it is that grandparents want to be involved, they should respect that and ask before buying one-off/rare luxuries for children (and be prepared for the fact that their kind offer may be declined).

I don't think it necessarily matters so much from a small child's perspective, but I've seen many times over what a hard, onerous, guilt-inducing and thankless task parenting young children can feel like (especially when both parents are working). The majority of the "parenting experience" can't possibly live up to prior expectations because of the responsibilities and constraints involved, so it's important that parents do get chance to enjoy the things that are important to them and can live up to the preconceived "ideal". Whether or not it matters to others, the fact that it matters to you should be enough :).

Maybe in the future you could avoid situations like this by highlighting the fact that it's important to you a while in advance. If it's spontaneous, you could make things clear in a sensitive way by saying "I'm really looking forward to getting DD's X - I used to love those as a child, and it's one of the things I've been imagining doing for her since she was tiny." Or if PIL/your parents offer to do or get something that you want to be responsible for, you could say something like "It's so kind of you to offer but I really want to be the one to get/do that. Would you like to help me choose it? OR She'd really love an X though, would you perhaps be willing to give her that instead?" That way you're making it clear that you appreciate their generosity and want them to be involved, but there's something specific that really matters to you - I think most parents will understand that, even if they don't share your perception :).

If yours is a non chocolate one and the MIL's is a chocolate one, why on earth can't they have two?! They'll have a nice pretty, traditional picture one (I prefer those to the chocolate ones, actually) and a chocolate as well.
So what if they'll have a piece of chocolate every day? It's the run up to CHRISTMAS! If you can't have choc at Christmas, then when can you?!
I'm also of the opinion that they're not allowed too much chocolate and they only get it every now and again.
I make an exception to Christmas though!

electricmonk what a kind and thoughtful post. Thank you!

If you feel so strongly about this, just take the chocolates out and give them to your child a bit each day, explaining that they are from his nan.
I feel a bit sorry for your MIL really and by returning them to her would have been cruel. Nans love to treat their grandchildren and when all is said and done, a little bit of chocolate is not a big deal to you but rejecting it would be a massive thing to her.

I'm not buying my DC (7mo and 2yo) advent calendars.

DM and DMIL buy them, one less job for me

And the DC will both eat their two chocolates each day!

The cheap chocolate would not annoy me as much as the fact that the calendar has a '25' on it. I refuse to allow Advent calendars with 25 doors in the house. I think I win the prize for irrationality

Open all the doors on the chocolate one and empty out all the chocolate. Open all the doors on the other and cut out the pictures inside them. Stick the cut out pictures in the chocolate compartments of the formerly chocolate calender.

Sorted. Respect due.

If I was a MIL and my DIL wouldn't let me buy a chocolate advent calendar because it was "muscling in" or treading on her toes, I would be absolutely baffled and hurt.

I just don't get it. Nod, smile, and thank, and then do as you will. The MIL is certainly not trying to take over. It's just a Christmassy gift. The MIL has feelings too you know.

Chocolate ones weren't around in my day (old gimmer) so my parents think these are a great treat for little ones. I just think it's kind of them. I don't read any more into than that.

I really marvel sometimes when an act of altruistic kindness is taken as an affront. What's the world coming to? The GM won't even be there when they open it. She's hardly stealing their childhood from the OP.

D'ont ask mil not to do this next year. Why be so mean spirited?
All this "they've had their turn"...
My mil wanted to buy each of our children their first shoes. We live in a different country, so doing this entailed travelling to see the GP's specially, when each child started walking. We did this, had a lovely holiday each time, and the shoes are framed in one of those box frames as a momento of granny, who died two years ago.

She had indeed "had her turn" at this but the pleasure it gave her was incalculable.
Life is short, and it's Christmas.

Why would it matter if she does it next year-your youngest will be 2-is that still too young for a small piece of chocolate?

You can still get the type that you want to get.

My children have about 3 chocolate ones but I prefer the picture ones with a nativity scene and no chocolate. Although I prefer the picture one which I buy for myself, (reminds me of growing up), my children prefer the choc ones. I don't insist either way.

Some things you should control like diet and behaviour and bedtime and some things you should let go, like whether GMs can buy a chocolate advent calendar.

Where's the humbug emoticon?