AIBU to wait until I'm 33 to TTC?

[FeuDeRussie]

Hi, I'm new here, no DCs yet but have been lurking on MN for a few months out of curiosity as I'm starting to think about children. DH and I are a bit ambivalent about if/when to start a family. We think we'd probably like to, eventually, but are having such a nice time being married and it just being the two of us, that ideally we'd like to have as much of this 'just us' time as possible, because I know once you have DCs we'll never get that time back. But...is 33 cutting it a bit fine? We'd like 1 or 2, no more. We are 30 and have been married 2 years.

Do your worst...am quite prepared to be told I'm being selfish, overthinking, overplanning etc and if that's the majority opinion from you experienced people I will rethink my attitude :)

There are no certainties when it come to fertility regardless of your age, obviously as you get older the odds of getting pregnant reduce but it would be unusual for there to be a huge difference between the ages of 30 and 33.

Regardless, it is for you and your dh to decide, it's no-one else's business and it's certainly not selfish.

YANBU to wait until then, and who is right to judge anyway.

Of course the only risk is that fertility starts to decline into your 30s and the longer you leave it the higher the risk (on average)

You could start trying only for it to take a long time or be faced with some kind of problem. You could of course start trying and it happen straight away - you wont unfortunately know until you do and i know many healthy couples with no fertility problems to take well over a year to conceive.

I dont think you are overthinking - it is good to understand the impact having a child will bring to you (but however much you think you are prepared you wont be when you have a child!) but be careful not to assume as soon as you decide its right it will happen straight away. You could of course be very lucky

but it would be unusual for there to be a huge difference between the ages of 30 and 33 This is what I'm hoping. Thanks OddBoots and toosoppy. I wouldn't assume it's going to happen straight away when we do start to TTC. There are no fertility probs in my family, luckily, though I know that doesn't exempt me.

33 is not too old and I think it is a very sensible idea to have some time where it is just you and your husband as you are quite right - you will never get that time back.

I have been with DP for 9.5 years and our first baby is due this week. I cherish the time we spent together where it was just the two of us and feel satisfied that we know each other inside out before we committed to having a baby together. If I had to do it again I would make the same decision.

Congratulations and good luck applepie! I agree, I want to make sure DH and I have as strong a marriage and as much pre-family fun as it's humanly possible to have, because I know DCs will be a huge test on our relationship. I know family time will be amazing too, just in a different way!

You're not being selfish, no.

But (I say this a lot) I stopped having periods at 39 and, at almost 42, am pretty much through the menopause. If I'd waited to, say, 35 to ttc I might well have no dc (I was 29, 31, 32 when I had my 3). I had a family history of prem menopause, though. If there's anything like that for you, you can ask for hormone testing.

I did and all is well - I do have pcos so it could have gone the other way.

If there are no indications of infertility on your side (e.g. you have regular periods etc) then I don't see the problem.

Obviously you would not know of any issues with dh until you tried.

I would also tell the Dr when you do start ttcing as if you had any issues they want you to try for a year below 35 before they would refer you for any investigation and treatment - when I had my Mc and was worried about ttc again they wouldn't count all the time I was ttc the first but counted it from my mc - luckily I got my sticky bean without needing it but I hated the idea of waiting another year for help if I needed it. Being so close to 35 doesn't give you a lot of time if there are issues so be on top of it :) as after 35 treatments available on the nhs decrease....

So Yanbu :) there is no selfishness to wait for the right time - only thing against us is potential decline in fertility and access to resources should there be a problem.

Thanks weegie :)

I think 33 is fine. I was 32 when I got pregnant with my first.

It's good to enjoy each other's company, and make some memories which can cheer you up when you're singing / patting / shushing at 0240, then 0359, then 0520 (I'm not selling this, am I? )

But also bear in mind that while you might be one of the jammy buggers (not that I'm bitter!) who fall pregnant at the drop of a hat - equally you might be trying for several months.

YANBU...I was 28 when I had DD, 30 now and now I know how hard work it is and how much of my other life I have given up, i sometimes wish I had spent a couple more years enjoying myself before starting a family! Also would have "lived it up" a bit more rather than having a fairly quiet life for the first couple of years of married life : )

No, I don't think you're leaving it too late. We had planned to TTC when I was 34 but as things worked out, I got pregnant at 31.... (surprised but happy, especially now she's here!)

I agree that you can't prepare for the change that comes with a child. DP and I were together 18 months when I concieved and I kind of wish I'd known him for longer but it's all worked out.

Enjoy your lie ins, cinema trips, meals out and Sunday afternoons in the pub while you still can OP.

I did. I had my first DC at 34 and my next at 37 without any difficulty at all however that's not to say it will be the same for everyone.

Having read maddening's post - while she's quite right that the NHS guidance is to try for a year before tests

I think you are a bit tbh. But not really because of waiting a few years, more the attitude that "I know once you have DCs you can never get that time back"

Having children isn't necessarily like the end of the 'fun' part and onto the 'drudgery'. I have had way more fun post children than I did pre children with DH. Yes, it's new and yes, for the first few weeks months years they are pretty dependent on you. Literally attached to you for the first bit! But it's been such a better type of fun than what we had pre children and I love my DH and enjoy his company more than ever. There is nothing, nothing, nothing as attractive an aspect than to see your DH become a parent (and him you). The sense of achievement you can share jointly each and every day you don't accidentally kill, injure, harm your child (a common worry!).

Fwiw, you can still work (full time if you like) and you can still go out whenever you like - you just find and book a babysitter, and in 10 years, I have never once turned down an invitation for something I have wanted to go to. You can still have amazing, and adventurous holidays, if that's what your 'pre kids' fun is. Hell, you can even take them to one of the many child friendly festivals, stay in a tent and get muddy.

DH and I have been inspired to work harder and progress further career wise because we had children relatively young. There is nothing so inspiring as knowing you want to make the next step up ASAP as you have children to provide for.

Also, it is possibly you may not find getting pregnant as easy as all the contraception talks you've ever had in your life lead you to think... It's not a given it would happen at all, so perhaps better to start earlier.

But equally, if you decide against children now, or in the future, that's a very personal choice. But if I were you, I'd consider the possibility of waiting a few years and then finding out it is impossible for you. If the thought of that upsets you, then that's your answer I guess.

Hi maddening, yes I have a regular as clockwork 28 day cycle and no history, or family history, of any other probs. I don't know what a sticky bean is but have plenty of time to find out about that sort of thing! I am not thinking in terms of 'oh, if I can't conceive then the NHS will help me out'...Obviously I don't really know how I'd react if I found we couldn't conceive, but I think we'd be happy for it just to stay the two of us.

I'm 33 and recently got pregnant in only the second month of trying. Sadly it wasn't meant to be but I don't for a second think that was anything to do with my age. I am actually one of the youngest of my friends and some of them have only recently had children, and most of them didn't try for very long - most in fact got pregnant very quickly and they were age 32, 35, 37, 39, 41. Only one friend (the 39 year old) has had any difficulty conceiving and I think that was actually due to problems with her husband rather than her. (They split up and when she got with a new partner she was pregnant very quickly).

I have another friend who has been trying to conceive for 18 months without success but as they haven't been to see their GP yet, they do not know why, although they believe it may be as a result of him producing very little semen. (sorry if TMI).

Don't rush into having a family if you are not ready - you clearly want to spend time just the two of you so you should go ahead and do that. I can't see age 30 to 33 making a massive difference in terms of your fertility. I think, like my friends, having children in mid to late thirties is not at all unusual now and most people won't encounter too many problems.

I agree with everyone else that YANBU and I wouldn't know about being selfish, I don't think selfishness is always a bad thing! It's nobody else's business.

I also don't think you're overthinking - it's very important to keep these things in mind. It's just good to be aware that fertility can be a bit of a crapshoot and you just don't know what you're going to get until you start trying. As an example: My DSIS and her DH started trying when DSIS was still in her twenties. They had years of ramping through the various levels of fertility treatments before finally having their first DC thanks to IVF, then another IVF baby 2 years later.

I am two years older than DSIS. I met my partner when I was a bit older, and when I was 36 we realised it was now or never. I was pregnant within 2 weeks , had a lovely healthy DS when I was 37, now I am nearly 40 and due to have DC2 any day (again got pregnant without any real difficulty).

In other words, the rules are there are no rules! There are certainly some general guidelines to keep in mind, but you're doing that already.

It's not selfish at all, or overthinking, to wait until you're 33.

The only thing I would say, is that you need to remember that women's fertility typically starts to decline in their mid-30's. You may be very fertile and get pregnant as soon as you start TTC - but you may not. And if there are any fertility problems (difficult to know until you try), the later you start TTC, the less time you have to resolve them.

Rosevase that's an inspiring post, and I hope it we do have DCs then that's how it is! I did say upthread I know family time will be amazing too, just in a different way!, but I take your point.

I was trying to reply to everyone but I don't think that's going to work! Thank you for all your comments and stories though :)

My numpty of a GP told me when I was 19 that I could have trouble conceiving, due to some gynae problems I had. The fear that was in my heart that I would never have children was just awful, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. As it happened once we started ttc when I was 27 it took us 4 months to conceive (ended in early mc, unfortunately) and 2 months later I was pg with DS who is now nearly 2. I'm now pg with DC2.

Due to that fear, I would never have hung around or taken a chance with my fertility. As soon as we were in a position to have children (stable jobs, enough money (barely!)) we started trying. From my own point of view I couldn't imagine anything worse than not having children. It's such a difficult thing because you could have no problem at all, or you could have severe problems requiring years of treatment and you just won't know until you start trying. For me having children was so important that I couldn't risk it. If you feel you can, then I think that's a different situation.

I can understand the desire to have some child-free time, especially given your ambivalence about the whole thing. But as someone who had just a taste of what it might be like not to be able to conceive, and a small one at that, I think waiting is risky. I know a lot of people don't agree, but I'm sure many others who did wait and then had a horrible time of it would agree with me.

It sounds reasonable to me. Though bear in mind it could take you a year or two to get pregnant anyway, so maybe don't wait too long (or expect it to happen as soon as you decide you're ready!)

No - but bear in mind how you might feel if you struggled to conceive. I couldn't TTC until 33 because I didn't have a partner, but it didn't affect us.

CailinDana, thanks and good luck with DC2! I have tried imagining many times how I'd feel if I was told I couldn't have children, and I think I'd be okay with it and with having a different kind of life. That could just be a total failure of imagination on my part, or I could get to 33 and become really really broody while TTC. So it is a risk, but I think I'm willing to take it.

Bear in mind too that if you want more than one, with some reasonable age gaps, you could be still having children in your 40s. I have seen with some older friends (though not all) that pregnancy and young children have taken more of a toll on them than on me, and they would say the same. It is a fact that you have that bit more energy when you're younger and even a few years can make a big difference.