AIBU to wait until I'm 33 to TTC?

[FeuDeRussie]

Hi, I'm new here, no DCs yet but have been lurking on MN for a few months out of curiosity as I'm starting to think about children. DH and I are a bit ambivalent about if/when to start a family. We think we'd probably like to, eventually, but are having such a nice time being married and it just being the two of us, that ideally we'd like to have as much of this 'just us' time as possible, because I know once you have DCs we'll never get that time back. But...is 33 cutting it a bit fine? We'd like 1 or 2, no more. We are 30 and have been married 2 years.

Do your worst...am quite prepared to be told I'm being selfish, overthinking, overplanning etc and if that's the majority opinion from you experienced people I will rethink my attitude :)

I don't think it matters any more about when you start a family, just be prepared that you might have to wait to get pregnant (or not) and there is a higher chance of some problems.

I know people who have only just started a family and they're in their 40's.

I konw what you mean about 'our time' - we felt like that, but as soon as baby is here, you forget about that and it becomes a bigger 'our time'! I'm pregnant with our second child and we're having that feeling again - we enjoy our time with our toddler and a new baby will change it, but soon it will be a family team of 4 and we'll get used to that!

Good luck, you're not being selfish. We waited then realised my boss would probably get rid of me for being pregnant at whatever age (its happened twice now) so go, do it!

YANBU 33 is not too old and if that feels right for you then thats what you should do. I think we will probably go for one more before our family is complete and by then I will be mid 30s.

Ooh, thanks for the further replies, and thanks Ghoul for your timeline. I think I will show it to DH - he's much less of a risk taker than I am and it might change his perspective. I think if he started getting broody it might tip me over the edge too :) I was once broody for about 3 days and told DH, but then I talked myself out of it!

Glad the timeline is helpful. Maybe the answer to have a really good year together this year and then TTC. It's not that I don't understand what you're saying, I absolutely do, but the fact you're here on Mumsnet asking the question suggests to me that having children is important to you. You'll still have fun with your DH after the children are born. Plus DH and I have big plans for when we are 50 and our youngest is 18!

I had mine at 28 and 30. I'm 38 now and can't imagine having a young baby or toddler around at all, I've not got the energy anymore

I was intensely broody though and DH and I had been together 6 years so seemed a good time. I was fortunate in that I conceived very quickly twice and am blessed with 2 delightful boys. I then had some gynae problems that could never have been foreseen and lost my womb at 31. I feel like fate intervened with my broodiness to ensure I got my opportunity to have children before my health failed

All I'd like to say is family life is such a joy, especially as they get older. We have such fun together and it's such a privilege to watch my babies grow into bigger and bigger boys. Sharing parenthood together can be such an amazing experience.

Yes, we had our dark days when they were little but the smiles, the cuddles, watching them grow is always a pleasure.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

What a lovely post doyouthink

I asked this question on here a while ago (under a different name) and without exception the answers were 'Don't wait.'

I wish I had kids younger as I think if I have them now/soon it will impact my career a lot more now I'm more senior.

Oh, that's funny NewNames. I think the majority of replies on this thread, at least at the beginning of it, say I'm not being unreasonable to wait. I guess it just depends who's around and who replies.

Did you say in your original thread that you definitely wanted to have DCs one day? Because that might make a difference - we aren't sure we do and I've never been someone who's always thought they wanted them. I can see myself (and DH) being able to accept a childfree life pretty happily.

But Ghoul is probably right that I wouldn't be here on MN asking the question if having a family wasn't at all important to me.

Thanks for your lovely post Doyouthink :)

Yes, i did say I definitely wanted them one day. But the more I think about it and the happier I am with my life now, I'm not so sure! I can see the benefits of not having children. It looks like an easier life, albeit a bit lonelier perhaps. I had a tough childhood so maybe that colours my judgement.

(oh and no one said I was unreasonable to wait or not wait, just that sooner is better for all of the reasons others have outlined here )

Ah I see, thanks for clarifying NewNames. I can definitely see the benefits of not having them too. And I know what you mean about how the happier you are with your life as it is, the less you feel like changing it so dramatically by having children (lovely as they are).

Well if you´re not ready to have children yet, it seems pointless to start trying!

I married at 32-had known husband for 2yrs.

To us it seemed pointless to wait as we knew we wanted children.

YANBU to wait till you are ready. I had DCs (5) in my teens, 20s and 30s. All were a good age in their own way although teens was very hard financially! I was just a kid really. We're sort of the other way round in that we started with nothing materially and didn't have much time just together but it in a way may have been easier than having to slot someone else with high needs into our lifestyle? Just an idea to throw out. I know quite a few people struggling with fertility in their late 30s/40ish so I would worry about leaving it that late but 33 seems fine. Most people are older than that in my area when having their first. It may take a while to concieve at any age so bear that in mind. Things rarely turn out the way we plan. If it was me I would probably try right away but only as having children was always what I wanted most in life and I would worry about time slipping by.

I'm going to go against the thread a little and say, 'don't wait'. Only because of the gaps issue.

If you enjoy your job now and envisage going back it can be nigh on impossible to pay for 2 sets of nursery fees at the same, not to mention the knackeredness of having 2 under 3 at the same time. In an ideal world I wouldnt have another before I had reestablished myself at work and the first was about to go to school - a lot of people disagree and like to get it out of the way but a lot of people with small gaps don't go back to work. Which you may not want to, but it is nice to have a choice!

Sorry to be so practical!

That aspect of the gaps issue is something I hadn't considered at all youbroke! I'm pretty sure I would want to go back to work. Hmm.

YANBU (do it when you're ready) but if I were you I'd go ahead and start trying - you never know how long it'll take.

My DH and I had three long years in a long-distance relationship beginning when we were 29. By the time we were finally in the same country we'd never lived together, so gave ourselves six months to sort that out and be a couple in the same city/ country. Then we finally started trying when we turned 33. Luckily, it happened quickly. But I would have wanted to start trying within a year of meeting him if we'd been in the same place! We were both broody.

Definitely do some sums on nursery costs OP. Unless you're earning enough to swallow 2*nursery fees or pay for a nanny, (or have a very helpful mother) then you may be forced into a 3 year gap by finances.

I think YANBU to plan to try for a single child at age 32/33 but miscarriage rates go up horribly in your mid-late 30s so if you want 2 DC then you might be cutting it a bit fine. If I were you I'd give it a year, but then it's easy for me to say - we started trying aged 30 but we'd been together for ten years by then. It took 2 years and medical intervention to conceive DD, and about a day to conceive DS.

Well, this thread has given me more to think about than I'd bargained for.

I think my head's going to explode.

Ah but if it all helps you make the right decision for you it might be worth a bit of head spin in the present ? And I bet there's a few lurkers out there having a quick read through too !

Feu It's a nightmare thinking about isn't it? I almost envy my friend's who got drunk, did the deed and thought no more of it! They got preg and then thought about it! I completely understand everything you're saying and identify everything youn're thinking about. It will be the biggest decision you ever make and yet it's one that if you consider logic and reason, one you could so easily not follow through with. If you weigh up the pros and cons of having babies, the cons will outweigh the pros. Not because the pros aren't wonderful - love, watching a child grow, having a family - but because the cons - money, impact on career, impact on love life, impact on social life, impact on holidays and leisure time - are so much easier to understand. And I don't think worrying about all of those things mean yob are 'less ready' to have a child. It just means your decisions are more based on fact not feeling.

Anyway, great thread. I'm certainly finding it v useful!

YANBU unreasonable to wait. If I were you I would use this time to think about whether you really want children.

I have 2 dc (5 and 2) whom I had at 32 and 35. I met husband at 27, married at 30, and conceived at 31. I think it's fair to say that we only waited 1 year after marriage to conceive as I was mindful of my age but there are lots of things I wish Dh and I had done first that are now on hold for the forseeable future.

I adore my children but they have changed my life and not always for the better. Dh and I never argued before having dc and all the arguments we do have are over differences of opinion on how to bring them up or due to the stress of trying to juggle work and family time and the lack of US time. When we get some time just the two of us and are relaxed and focused on each other ( have a weekend away with hubby this weekend - v excited!), we go straight back to being just as we were but it makes me realise how much has changed.

I love my children to bits but I do think if I had my time again, I would have stayed as a couple.

I'm not trying to put you off, just give a different perspective. My children are both quite difficult and are still young. I know if I had much easier children or when they are older and are hopefully easier I may feel differently.

You never know what might happen re fertility but at least if you wait you would know you had achieved what you wanted to in life first

Good luck with whatever you decide :)

I'm glad you've found the thread useful NewNames! I know exactly what you mean - I can think of a HUGE list of reasons not to have children, but they all seem fairly minor and petty compared to the pros - having a family, love, seeing DH become a father...

I think it probably is a decision you have to make more with your heart than your head, but that method of decision-making doesn't come easily to me! This is why I want to wait a bit longer, until we feel it's what we really want, rather than just doing it because it's expected as the next step. If that moment of really wanting it never comes, or if we end up leaving it so long that we can't conceive without major intervention, then I think (hope!) we'll take it as a sign that we are better off just being a couple.

PorridgeBrain thank you for the new perspective and I do intend to follow your advice and really think about it first, just so that we're going into it with our eyes as open as possible and prepared for it to be pretty tough going sometimes. In terms of 'achieving what I want to in life first' - I can't see that happening in the next two years! Maybe that's because I have some long-term projects on the go. Lots of people seem to be satisfied once they've travelled a bit or had a big holiday before having DCs, and those things are great, but I can't see them making up for 18 years of not being able to do what we want to do because the DCs are our priority.