AIBU to wait until I'm 33 to TTC?

[FeuDeRussie]

Hi, I'm new here, no DCs yet but have been lurking on MN for a few months out of curiosity as I'm starting to think about children. DH and I are a bit ambivalent about if/when to start a family. We think we'd probably like to, eventually, but are having such a nice time being married and it just being the two of us, that ideally we'd like to have as much of this 'just us' time as possible, because I know once you have DCs we'll never get that time back. But...is 33 cutting it a bit fine? We'd like 1 or 2, no more. We are 30 and have been married 2 years.

Do your worst...am quite prepared to be told I'm being selfish, overthinking, overplanning etc and if that's the majority opinion from you experienced people I will rethink my attitude :)

Starting at 33 is getting into risky territory though if it's something that you really really want, because your chances decline so much after 35. Don't get me wrong, I got pregnant no problem at that age, but having seen friends go through the mill I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

Basically, it's a gamble. If it's one that you're prepared to take (that you might not have a baby at the end of it even if you try for years and fork out thousands of £££s) then fair enough but I wouldn't do it if I really wanted kids. And it's not just about if you're ambivalent about them at the moment - you have to ask yourself if you'd be happy in ten years' time, in twenty in thirty years' time and right through your life to have no kids.

If you can, perhaps get advice from a gynaecologist/fertility specialist on your statistical odds. For example, I have heard that there's another fertility drop after 35, before forty. If true, that's something that could affect you.

I had my first baby at 33, it did take me over 2 years to get pregnant though (i was 30 when we started ttc) . I don't think you're unreasonable to want to have quality time with your DH but just be aware you might not conceive easily.

I had no reason to think I would have any problems, cycles always been regular, no family history etc. As others have said, its a gamble - but I suppose it is at any age really.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. It's your body. You don't know what your fertility is like. It's your life.

I echo that it is a gamble. You should consider how you might feel if it did turn out that you couldn't have kids at age 35.

I wouldn't have waited until I was 34 if i could have my time again, as it turns out i have fertility issues, which i had no indication of before...

Personally i think 2 years 'alone' time is plenty if you really want kids in your situation.

I think it depends on how important having children is to you. Not selfish though you have to weigh up risks and benefits.

We got married at 22 and waited until 27, took around a year to get pregnant, my SIL also waited 5 years and its just taken her 3 years (culminating in IVF) - she is 30.

I did get bloods done (after I asked for a referral) but this was more as I already had a recognised issue with pcos - so it's no harm in asking and you could get them to refer you to have them done privately - the basic CD tests cd3or 5 (can't remember but round the beginning) and CD 21 are enough to tell them you are ovulating.

YANBU however you are playing Russian Roulette with your chances of having children though. I have no history in my family of early menopause but mine started at 35 and was over at 38! You should be aware of the risk.

Also take this time actually fulfilling your goals. The things that you are wanting to enjoy pre-children. Travel, hobbies and having fun - really make a promise to yourselves to do it - it is easy for 2 years to slip by what with life going on. Not that life stops but you change and your priorities change - so do enjoy the things that are holding you back else what's the point :) maybe do a type of bucket list - 50 things to before you start a family?

You can also do a financial check up and look at child related costs and what you would be paid on maternity as you may need to save- good planning pays dividends and you have the luxury of planning ahead.

I had ds 2 days after my 33 rd birthday and took a year to conceive, dd came along a week after my 35th but only took once.

I would go for it now. If you have fertility issues then you've got much more time to explore all your options. If you wait until 33 and definitely want two and you have probs that doesn't give you much time to play with.

Agree with those who say you might want longer age gaps than you imagine. Pregnancy and breastfeeding can be very tiring back to back. Also that two in nursery is beyond expensive even if you're in a well paid job.

Not at all! I did, and I am happy 2 years on.
Your life, your body, your decision. Don't feel pressurised at any level to take on something as life changing as having a baby!!

Thanks for all the replies that appeared while I was away!

This thread has made me more aware of the risks I am taking with my fertility. We will not be starting to ttc now though, because I don't want a baby at all atm. I know I am gambling with my fertility to start ttc after 32/33, but right now I would be risking having a child that I resented and that would be awful. I know life doesn't stop when you have DCs, but a lot of the things that we enjoy doing would be curtailed (going away most weekends to see friends, none of whom have children, going out most nights to do sports/theatre/cinema/restaurants, pursuing child-unfriendly hobbies...) So I think it's better we wait a bit longer.

Do you know what age your mum and grandmother went through the menopause as chances are you will go through it at a similar age.

My Mum and Grandmother both had their last period at 57. My GP told me that generally fertility starts to nosedive 15 years before the menopause and it is very difficult (although not impossible) to produce a child within the 10 years before the menopause.

I had to have some tests when we were trying for ds2 when I was 36. The tests showed that I am on course to go through the menopause at 57 too. My sister is 57 and thinks she is going through the menopause as she hasn't had a period in 9 months. Our family is complete now however my Gran had her last child at 45 so I can't be too careful!

I should also have added that the average age of menopause is 51 which is why the ages of 35 and 40 are noted as important stages of a woman's fertility.

Oh I see, I didn't know any of that whistle! My mum's periods stopped in her late 50s. Don't know about my grandma (strangely the subject has never come up :)) But she had her children at 32 and 36 with no problems conceiving. My mum had us at 30 and 33.

My mum did take a year to conceive her first, but she'd been on the Pill constantly for 10 years and her periods didn't come back for ages (different Pills back then. Many of her friends had the same problem.) She expected it to take a year with my brother but she got pg instantly!

I had my first DC a few weeks before my 37th birthday, then two more in the next 3 years. The first two in the first month of trying, the last one in the 2nd. But I also have a number of similar-aged friends who also had DC1 around the same time as me but have struggled to have another. So I know i'm lucky. Wasn't a choice exactly for me - I didn't want DC till my mid-30s and wasn't in the right sort of relationship before that.

I think I would advise my daughter (and sons) that if they leave it as long as I did, then they need to be mentally prepared for life without DCs and accept that possibility.

Have you actually thought about the timeline for this? A pretty average timeline might look like this.

TTC No 1 age 33
Try for 9 months
9 months pg - age 35.5 when first baby born
Wait until DC 1 is 18 months
TTC for 9 month
9 months pg - age 38.5 when second child born

And this is without having actual fertility problems or big age gaps between children. I honestly would not play Russian Roulette with your fertility when it is not necessary.

I'm sure you know there are other risks with having babies later such as increased risk of miscarriage, of problems with the foetus, of problems in pregnancy. I'm not trying to be mean but you will significant reduce your risk of any of these problems or of ending up without children at all if you start TTC soon rather than in a few years time.

Ghoul, you have added an extra year on there!

Sorry - you're right I have. I still would not wait without good reason in OP's shoes.

True, but then she might quite easily not want to try for DC2 until DC1 was 2.5 years old so you could put the extra year in there ?

For some reason my latest post just appeared in another thread.

You might change your mind, you never know how you might feel in a years time. We were going to ttc at 33 but I became incredibly broody on my 31st birthday and ds1 was born before I turned 32.

Had number 1 aged 30 - no problems. 6 months to conceive.
Secondary fertility issues so DS2 took 5 years!! And lots of investigations etc.
Third son came along a couple later after also with lots of help.

Yes you might find it easy but there is a risk that you may have issues. In your shoes I'd TTC ASAP.

Not unreasonable at all! I already had two children from my first marriage and at 34 I married my second husband. We had our son 10 months after our wedding and our daughter arrived 20 months later. I was aged 35 and 37, both children conceived the first month of trying! I appreciate I am very fortunate but I was relaxed about having children in my 30's so that did help a lot! Enjoy yourselves for a couple of years more, travel, travel, travel! That's one of the more difficult aspects of having children, you can't just take off when you feel like it! Mine are growing up and travel is getting easier now! Good Luck!