AIBU to wait until I'm 33 to TTC?

[FeuDeRussie]

Hi, I'm new here, no DCs yet but have been lurking on MN for a few months out of curiosity as I'm starting to think about children. DH and I are a bit ambivalent about if/when to start a family. We think we'd probably like to, eventually, but are having such a nice time being married and it just being the two of us, that ideally we'd like to have as much of this 'just us' time as possible, because I know once you have DCs we'll never get that time back. But...is 33 cutting it a bit fine? We'd like 1 or 2, no more. We are 30 and have been married 2 years.

Do your worst...am quite prepared to be told I'm being selfish, overthinking, overplanning etc and if that's the majority opinion from you experienced people I will rethink my attitude :)

Quoting from a google I've just done, I thiing the statistic that the majority of couples are infertile by 40 will suprise most people.

"Most women will be able to conceive naturally and give birth to a healthy baby if they get pregnant at 35. After 35 the proportion of women who experience infertility, miscarriage or a problem with their baby increases. By the age of 40 only two in five of those who wish to have a baby will be able to do so. "

www.babycentre.co.uk/preconception/activelytrying/ageandfertility/

That was a reply to your earlier post Cailin :) A lot of other posts arrived while I was writing it!

If you're waiting for a time when you absolutely know it's the right time, then you'll be at least 70! Like I say, I always always wanted children, yet when we made the decision to actually try I was beyond terrified and when I got the positive result I felt absolutely sick with worry and regret. It's a huge step to take and not an easy decision at all, but worth it in the end :)

We got married and didn't wait at all to TTC because we knew we wanted children. I was 28 and DH was 37.

One of the best things about having had children (have a DS, a stillborn DD and a baby on the way) has been seeing how much DH has loved being a father and seeing their relationship grow and blossom. Yes, it is hard work but it has been more than worth it.

I'd agree with Cailin's suggestion of waiting for 6 months and then thinking again, so that there are at least regular times for you both to consider waiting or TTC, rather than one or both of you feeling you HAVE to wait until the 3 years are up.

first one at 33, second one at 37. It's fine but we conceived relatively quickly both times.

chris that most people are infertile by 40 doesn't surprise me, but I'm talking about having DCs in my early to mid 30s, not leaving it purposely until 40.

Lots of crossposting!

That's true Cailin, I'm sure we'll always be able to find a reason not to and a reason to be scared. I know it will be worth it in the end, if we do go for it.

It must be very useful to have always known you wanted DCs though! They've never featured in my thinking at all, until I was with DH.

I know Barlet, the x-posting is getting confusing! Good luck with the new baby :)

I think it's more usual to not want children when you're in your 20s, or at least be ambivalent about it. I'd say it's pretty typical for it not to come on your radar until you meet the right person.

I think the mention of infertility by 40 is to do with the fact that if you do have trouble conceiving you could be 35/36 having DC 1 and then be over 40 having DC2. You have to factor in how long it takes to conceive (1 year is normal even without fertility issues), the 9 months of pregnancy, the leaving of a gap, the trying again, and so on and so on.

Over-thinking whether and when to have your first baby on Mumsnet ?

You have to be kidding !

You're talking to a bunch of women who got to nearly 1000 posts discussing the latest ASDA Christmas advert last week ! And it went into discussions of the day too

And having your first baby is a massive, life-changing thing ... we're all more than happy to advise

My thoughts .... I had my first at 34 and second at 36 and it worked out well for me ... I once heard on the radio that women who had their first at 34 were statistically happiest with their life choices - so interesting you're considering 33 for TTC. Am so glad for you that you're so happy with life with your partner ATM

• you're very fortunate there and that bodes well for your future family life.

Having said that it did take me nearly a year to get pregnant with DD1 and I was beginning to get worried. Also if you wanted a bigger gap between your children you might consider starting a wee bit earlier ? I found my 2.6 year gap a bit close for comfort/ hard work in first year with both. I think a 3 to 4 year gap can work well for people too - though mine are good friends I have to say, so possibly 2.6 years has it's benefits too.

Good luck ! Have fun ! Hope everything works out brilliantly

Not at all. Leave it till your 33. Unless you want six children, 33 is fine.

Thank you Juggling, that was a lovely, encouraging post! V pleased I haven't been told off for overthinking (even though I clearly am ) I do quite like the idea of 3-4 years between DCs, though would obviously have to think about that at the time, depending on my age and how things were going.

Cheers oohlala :)

As my DD learnt to say at her lovely Nursery whenever she was thanked for anything .... "My pleasure"

We set a deadline of starting to TTC when I turned 32. I actually came off The Pill on my birthday as it happened to be the end of the pack and I was pregnant within 5 weeks!

I'm glad we waited though as DH and I had 12 years together where it was just us and when DD came along it felt right and we were ready to go on into the Great Unknown Plains of Parenthood together!

We started TTC when I was 34 and DH was 38. DS was conceived first month of trying. DD was conceived when I was 38 - but took 6 months (much more stressful life, job etc at that point). I think if you stress yourself out over right / wrong times etc nothing will happen. Enjoy your marriage, take those long, expensive holidays where you lay on a sun lounger with a G&T in your hand and don't worry or feel guilty. When it is right, it is right.

We started trying when I was 34 (after waiting for my husband to be ready). I think, even though I had had to wait a bit, it would have been the perfect time for us. Unfortunately it didn't work out that way. I'm almost 37 and we are still trying.

So, if it works for you, 33 would be a great age, IMO. However, if you have problems and want more than one, be aware that you don't have loads of time to play with then.

Fertility testing is probably not worth it. We are unexplained. On paper, I should be getting pregnant easily. I think something like 40% of cases are unexplained, so these people would be given false reassurance by fertility tests.

No one has a crystal ball so if you definitely want children I wouldn't hesitate.
The odds are in your favour but there is always the unknown.

I and three of my close friends have had fertility problems in late 20s/early 30s. I now have two DC, friends not so lucky. We had regular periods, no history of probs in family etc.

infertility isn't necessarily a matter of "taking a long time", as some people assume before ttc, it can mean years and years of trying, (expensive) medical intervention, miscarriage(s), and no child at the end

I think this thread has made me think that 32 or 32.5 would be a better time to start ttc, if by then we definitely know we want to have a family. Just to give us more of a window for unforseen problems and for the possibility of a bigger gap between DCs. That's still 2 years away so not too soon... Anyway, will see how it goes, thank you so much for all your replies! You don't seem much like a nest of vipers to me! :)

Excellent !
No such thing as over-thinking in my book !
It is your life after all

Have you seen the episode of Friends when Rachel counts back from when she wanted things to happen and realises that she needed to have met her man last year or something? You can do something similar with this.

You'd like to be done having children by the time you are 40 as I think you alluded to upthread somewhere. So that means second pregnancy at say 38 by the latest. If you need help, you might need to start trying at 36/37. So you'd want your first one born at 35 to have a bit of recovery time before going for number two, which means getting pregnant at 34. If you have problems, most GPs will want you to try for a year before they start running tests. Then they need to do all the tests and get you on a waiting list. So you would probably want to start trying at 32. Or something. There are loads of variables in there, but you can see the point.

Or you might get pregnant within a month of coming off the Pill and manage 2 by the time you are 35 easily.

I agree with Euro. 33-40 is seven years. At first sight, that seems like loads of time. But if you really want two children, it might not be. One year to conceive, 9 months pregnancy, an age gap. Plus perhaps then another gap on top of the planned age-gap, if you had a rough pregnancy first time round, and feel you can't cope with vomiting and a toddler simultaneously! Or perhaps you want to schedule child two until after child 1 becomes eligible for 15 hours free nursery provision/goes to school, because otherwise childcare would be too crippling.

I don't want to be a doomsayer, but seven years just doesn't seem long when you have to cram two children into it. I have underwear older than that Ahem.

This is sweet, to hear of a happy couple enjoying each other. I think it is sensible and rather nice that you are waiting and planning.

And 33 doesn't sound old to start. Of course you can't be certain of no fertility issues but if there is none in the family it is less likely.