to think my very young children shouldn't be expected to buy Christmas presents

[PaythePiper]

It's never too early for a Christmas AIBU, is it? I'm in a dilemma here and thought it best to throw myself on the mercy an impartial internet.

My parents live abroad but we still were very close until we had a bad falling out several years ago. I haven't seen them since though we are in regular (if a bit tense) contact.

Last year my due date for my second child was quite literally Christmas. I was terribly unwell in the run up to the birth (volcanic heartburn, debilitating depression and chronic insomina, among other things). Things were even tenser with my parents because they were declining my invitation to come visit the baby after he was born (that's a whole other story). I just about managed to buy gifts to celebrate with my husband and 4 year old daughter, but that was it. As usual my mum ordered some things from Amazon for my daughter, which was appreciated.

My son was born a week late and after returning home from an epic 36 hour labour and delivery, I had an email from my mum asking where was their Christmas present from my daughter as they hadn't had anything from her. I explained as nicely as I could that under the circumstances I just hadn't managed presents for anyone abroad this year (which included my brother and my niece).

They didn't send a card or a present for the baby.

Fast forward to this year- and my mum is asking me what would I like to do about exchanging gifts this year? My response would be that honestly, we adults in this house truly have enough stuff and don't need any more at this point- but it would be lovely if she wanted to send a little something to her grandchildren.

Her response was that she's happy to send them something- as long as she gets something from them in return so as to "avoid the disappointment of last year". She does recognise however that a 5 year and 1 year old aren't really in a position to buy pressies themselves so it would be from me. She also said she would be really sad not to carry on a tradition of family gift giving.

What do I do about this? I'm kind of bewildered that Christmas gift giving has suddenly become subject to this sort of negotiation and quid pro quo approach. We're talking about a little pressie for two little kids who would be over the moon with just about anything- is it really necessary that she gets something herself in order for that to happen? Are we going to start rating presents received in terms of appropriate equivalency? I don't know why but it just feels sad and wrong and a bit of a mine field going forward.

What say you, Mumsnet?

YANBU. Ridiculous nonsense. I even hate it when parents send cards from their one-year old child. But I loved the first time I had a card from my goddaughter she'd actually tried to write herself. My parents never gave my grandparents a present 'from me' when I was one, two, three. However, when I was old enough, I made presents for them every Christmas and when I was older still to have some money, I did buy them something. And that means so much more than the 'fakery'.

Socharlotte it's te attitude of the mum that is so wrong, op was unwell and just had a baby for gods sakes cut her some slack. Any normal adult would realise that

Voice,

I to was delighted to receive cards from children when it was obviously from the children and not the grown up

So the grandmother expects a 1 year old and 4 year od to walk into a shop and buy her a present, what a loon. Yes I echo what oters have said much better coming from the child when they are old enough

I also note that the OP's mother didn't send a card or present when the new baby was born. So seemingly decided to do what she saw as reciprocating in kind for not getting a Christmas present from the 4 year old? That's just mean! and to then say that it would be a shame not to carry on a tradition of gift-giving is both mean and hypocritical.I repeat, this is your mother's bonkers issue OP; I really don't see that you did anything wrong last year, and of course it is totally up to you to do the very opposite of what your mother is doing by instilling in your children the idea that you do not give purely in order to receive. Perhaps the 4 year old could send her a home-made card from her and her brother so that your mother knows they are thinking of her, without the whole thing becoming an exercise in reciprocal acquisitiveness.

socharlotte last year the OP had extremely good reasons for not sending a gift, but her mother didn't accept this and instead seemed to expect something regardless of what the OP was going through. Then when the OP tried to sort out the gift situation this year the mother raised again that she was upset at not having a present last year. This isn't about the OP not wanting to give her mother a present. It's about the mother expecting a present no matter what the circumstances and not being accepting or understanding when that wasn't possible.

Your mother IBVU. And really hypocritical given that she didn't send anything for baby's arrival (surely a much bigger occasion than Xmas!).

What would she say if she got something home made? Would she see it as not a real present (like MrsSchad's mum - just :( at that!)

I would go down one of two routes - send her a school/playgroup photo of the kids each Xmas along with a quick drawing they have done. OR just tell her 'I'm not getting into adult gift buying and so I'll just let you decide if you want to get your grandchildren a Xmas gift or not. I was a little surprised that you chose not to give new grandchild a gift to mark his birth last year but that's your decision at the end of the day and I accept that. Of course you remember just how ill I was last year with the heartburn, debilitating depression and chronic insomina and so gift buying went understandably totally out of the window'

I think it's really sad that your mum couldn't grasp how ill you were last year and I think it's sad your own mother didn't mark the birth of her second grandchild. Have you ever talked to her about it?

Thanks to everyone for ongoing comments-really helpful to get perspective.

Just to pick up on a couple of points- I do think my mother would be happy with something homemade- I get the impression that part of what she is asking for is some basic recognition of her giving and in her book that equates to receiving a gift in return of some kind, in whatever form.

I've never really talked to her the lack of a present for the baby when he was born. There were a whole bunch of other horrid issues which arose around the time of his birth (which were subject to another AIBU). Basically, my parents refused to come to visit because I wouldn't promise them that my mother in law would make herself scarce for the duration. My mother was so busy being in the huff about my refusal to comply with this frankly insane request, I'm not sure she thought too much about my condition.

This fresh round of bad feeling meant that in turn we didn't go across to see them as we had initially planned- and my mother later mentioned she had a "drawer full of gifts" ready for him when we arrived but since we weren't coming, she would "just give the stuff to the neighbours" (along with presents she had apparently bought for me and my daughter). This was obviously hurtful to me and I've just filed it away under "Painful Stuff" that I try not to think about.

Your Mother sounds incredibly self centered and spitefull. Maybe distancing yourself from her would be better in the long run.

She sounds like a self centred cow and I would not be giving in to a single demand that she makes.

Who gives a stuff about other visitors when they have a DGC and ill DD to think about!!!!

plain wooden photo frame, pasta, PVA glue, paint.

Get DD to stick pasta on frame in pretty pattern, when get DD to paint/glitter.

Put in photo of children.

Don't think about the fact that your mother is a certifiable loon, or that your children won't get a present unless you do (because they don't really need one do they), just do it because its a nice thing to do for a grandparent at Xmas. Take the oral high ground and forget about the ridiculous present hostage situation.

the oral high ground? Moral, the moral high ground!

The oral high ground sounds like much more fun...:)

as long as with DH not MIL (Ewwwww!)