to think my very young children shouldn't be expected to buy Christmas presents

[PaythePiper]

It's never too early for a Christmas AIBU, is it? I'm in a dilemma here and thought it best to throw myself on the mercy an impartial internet.

My parents live abroad but we still were very close until we had a bad falling out several years ago. I haven't seen them since though we are in regular (if a bit tense) contact.

Last year my due date for my second child was quite literally Christmas. I was terribly unwell in the run up to the birth (volcanic heartburn, debilitating depression and chronic insomina, among other things). Things were even tenser with my parents because they were declining my invitation to come visit the baby after he was born (that's a whole other story). I just about managed to buy gifts to celebrate with my husband and 4 year old daughter, but that was it. As usual my mum ordered some things from Amazon for my daughter, which was appreciated.

My son was born a week late and after returning home from an epic 36 hour labour and delivery, I had an email from my mum asking where was their Christmas present from my daughter as they hadn't had anything from her. I explained as nicely as I could that under the circumstances I just hadn't managed presents for anyone abroad this year (which included my brother and my niece).

They didn't send a card or a present for the baby.

Fast forward to this year- and my mum is asking me what would I like to do about exchanging gifts this year? My response would be that honestly, we adults in this house truly have enough stuff and don't need any more at this point- but it would be lovely if she wanted to send a little something to her grandchildren.

Her response was that she's happy to send them something- as long as she gets something from them in return so as to "avoid the disappointment of last year". She does recognise however that a 5 year and 1 year old aren't really in a position to buy pressies themselves so it would be from me. She also said she would be really sad not to carry on a tradition of family gift giving.

What do I do about this? I'm kind of bewildered that Christmas gift giving has suddenly become subject to this sort of negotiation and quid pro quo approach. We're talking about a little pressie for two little kids who would be over the moon with just about anything- is it really necessary that she gets something herself in order for that to happen? Are we going to start rating presents received in terms of appropriate equivalency? I don't know why but it just feels sad and wrong and a bit of a mine field going forward.

What say you, Mumsnet?

I guess I am in the minority as I think you should be teaching your children that Christmas is not all about receiving. I am surprised so many people on this thread think it is not necessary for a child to reciprocate a gift to grandparents.
Most grandparents would be happy with something handmade. I don't see the problem with that.
I also think YWBU to not send gifts last year ( even to your niece ) without any warning. Yes, I get you were pregnant, but you could have organized the gifts in advance. You sound a bit selfish tbh.

I think where you went wrong, was not explaining at the time that you were too unwell to send a present last year and she has taken it as some sort of snub, especially as your relationship with them is so tense.She probably spent all xmas fretting what she had done to upset you.
Can't you just choose them a small gift.It would feel very wrong to me for my parents to buy gifts for my DC and not to give them something in return.

Get her a personalised calendar from Getting Personal with Nana (or whatever your DCs call her and your DF) on it.

Easy to order, easy to post

Alligatorpie, I think the point is that the grandparent is demanding presents and saying that her grandchildren will get nothing unless it's reciprocated. Presents ought to be both given and received graciously and without conditions, but this grandparent's attitude wouldn't teach her grandchildren that.

I think you ab a little u in not sending something to a grandmother from her grandchildern, espically with the distance. I don't think she is looking for an expensive item just a momentem (sp?) from them at christmas time that she would probably cherish. However your mothers attitude towards the whole thing is VVU.

And maybe the grandmother believes the children should be learning about giving as well as receiving. I agree the GM sounds a bit over the top, but I still think children should be giving gifts to their gp's.

My mil would b bitterly disappointed if dd @ 2 didn't give her a present at Mother's Day and Xmas.

I know as she mentioned it both years....

I'm signing a present from all of us this year. It will b Baylis & Harding as she knows what molten brown is and has previously commented that BH was a "poor" version of it and hates it. Dh doesn't know that bit... I do tho.

U are not alone in weird mil territory...

Ouch! What a cow!
MIL is occasionally like that with us (me) and I've started to try to point out how difficult life is with long list of crap going on all the time. She usually files complaints involving visits/dinner rather than gifts, though. And is fairly divisive speaking to DH and me separately as though we never converse.
As for my own mother, haven't spoken to her in years cos she's a total bitch. Don't miss her either.
In this situation I would tell her that if a gift to very young children is only given with strings and no heart then, with respect, I will decline her offer of gifts and explain to the children that Grandma can't afford presents this year because she's really REALLY old and needs to keep the heating on all day and night to stay alive.
Agree with everyone here, I think!

I agree with Hecate, it sounds like it is the exchange of gifts that's important. If she wants presents from her grandchildren, get them to make something, do a drawing or a card. Doesn't cost much, keeps them busy for half an hour and shuts her up. Job done .

My mother is exactly the same and is completely obsessed with her quota of presents. Both the quantity and quality.
As a child my mum would often burst in to tears on christmas day if she didn't feel we as children (8-16), had got her enough or made enough effort.

I have 3 DCs. After the 2nd one was born she stopped buying my DH a present as she would be 'short' a present. When DC3 was born she stopped buying me a present. She insists she gets a present from a 15 year old, 4 year old and a 2 year old. She is the biggest baby I have ever met.
Trying to change her would destroy my whole family so we play along and inwardly seethe. My DH detests her manipulative ways.

I feel for you. Utterly bonkers.

I know just what she deserves would be lufferly for her....
Mount a picture of your children on the back of a piece of cereal box so it curls with age/heat. With copydex type glue so it sticks for a couple of months stick on loads of pasta so that when it falls off it becomes vicious evil little shards that bugger your feet, cover with poster paint that flakes and runs and glitter devils dandruff and finish off with a small and useless calendar that drops apart after the 1st 4 months
Perfect for any pain in the arse Gran

your mum is being very silly but as some of the OP have suggested why not do a DC made gift for the following reasons

1. they can be very inexpensive,
2. it will continue the tradition your mum like but on your terms,
3. it is a lovely way to teach your 5yo DC it is fun to give as well as recieve. This year my ds5 drew a picture of his nans house then we choose a cheap frame to put it in which we decorated minimally.

Last year they chose a mug from a charity shop and out a small choc bar in it and helped me to wrap it up.

Yanbu how old is your mum 5!. She sounds very immature and childish and needy. Just tell her not to bother, and give her a lecture about guving selflessly, not to expect.

i don't like the sound of your mother. tell her to grow up.

Alligatorpie when Jesus received presents and didn't give any, were Mary and Joseph failing as parents?

Bloody hell! Did she expect presents off you when you were growing up? Weird woman.

Send her your ds's used nappy. That would be a nice handmade pressie to send her.

YANBU. Your mum sounds awful.

An Oxfam goat is a good present for unreasonable people such as your Mother.

I think your mum is being unreasonable to have DEMANDED a present to ensure that she buys presents for her grandchildren. I think she was particularly unreasonable considering what you were going through last year.

However, I think it would be nice of you to get a present for her on behalf of the children. I honestly thought all parents did that.

I know that when my mum and dad were alive all of their children bought presents for them from the grandchildren. We didn't buy for one another, only for them. They (our parents) also bought us adult children a little gift "just to open up"! (Can't think what else you would do with it)

In my own case I buy all of my grandchildren (rather a lot of) presents. My grown up children buy presents for me, but not for each other. I buy my grown up children a small, "token", gift.

To be honest I could never have not bought my parents a Christmas present.

Is your mum Violet Bucket?
But seriously, she is BVU and I think you should tell her so.

Do you mean Veruca Salt, Zombies?

Alligatorpie I do agree with you that children should be taught about the pleasure of giving as well as getting presents and I'll be taking 5 year old DS shopping to buy gifts for family, encouraging him to colour cards and generally involving him in the whole present buying thing.
BUT
Demanding a present or saying that you'll only give a present if you get one in return is appalling behaviour, really beyond rude especially to a member of your own family.

Possibly going a little against the trend, I think your mum comes over as being a bit mad BUT it can be hard to communicate tricky emotions through email, and sometimes it's best to say what you feel instead of doing the british polite thing of bottling it all up. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, and give her both a photo of the kids (optionally with you in it, too) and a home-made-by-the-kids-thing (picture, card, bookmark...). Assuming there are no complaints then this can be an annual thing. That way there is little/no thought involved every year! (I like those kind of presents!)

Alligatorpie just to pick up on a couple of your points. My brother and I have a very laid back approach to gift giving to each other and our respective children. He certainly doesn't expect a gift and neither does my niece (who is also 4. I've met her twice. She already gets more presents than she can manage to open in one day). It wasn't like I created this big let down by not sending anything. And honestly, Christmas last year came at the end of a very difficult pregnancy marked by-can I say this again-debilitating depression which had lasted for months. It was hard to do much if anything never mind send presents to people who knew I was struggling and yet were in the habit of, say, hanging up on me when I didn't agree to other sorts of crazy demands (for example, like the ones they were making about who was allowed to see the baby after he was born.)

The thing is I would have happily sent them something anyway from the kids before she raised it. But now it all seems mired in an explicitly stated "you only gets yours if I get mine" mentality which just seems...off.