to think my very young children shouldn't be expected to buy Christmas presents

[PaythePiper]

It's never too early for a Christmas AIBU, is it? I'm in a dilemma here and thought it best to throw myself on the mercy an impartial internet.

My parents live abroad but we still were very close until we had a bad falling out several years ago. I haven't seen them since though we are in regular (if a bit tense) contact.

Last year my due date for my second child was quite literally Christmas. I was terribly unwell in the run up to the birth (volcanic heartburn, debilitating depression and chronic insomina, among other things). Things were even tenser with my parents because they were declining my invitation to come visit the baby after he was born (that's a whole other story). I just about managed to buy gifts to celebrate with my husband and 4 year old daughter, but that was it. As usual my mum ordered some things from Amazon for my daughter, which was appreciated.

My son was born a week late and after returning home from an epic 36 hour labour and delivery, I had an email from my mum asking where was their Christmas present from my daughter as they hadn't had anything from her. I explained as nicely as I could that under the circumstances I just hadn't managed presents for anyone abroad this year (which included my brother and my niece).

They didn't send a card or a present for the baby.

Fast forward to this year- and my mum is asking me what would I like to do about exchanging gifts this year? My response would be that honestly, we adults in this house truly have enough stuff and don't need any more at this point- but it would be lovely if she wanted to send a little something to her grandchildren.

Her response was that she's happy to send them something- as long as she gets something from them in return so as to "avoid the disappointment of last year". She does recognise however that a 5 year and 1 year old aren't really in a position to buy pressies themselves so it would be from me. She also said she would be really sad not to carry on a tradition of family gift giving.

What do I do about this? I'm kind of bewildered that Christmas gift giving has suddenly become subject to this sort of negotiation and quid pro quo approach. We're talking about a little pressie for two little kids who would be over the moon with just about anything- is it really necessary that she gets something herself in order for that to happen? Are we going to start rating presents received in terms of appropriate equivalency? I don't know why but it just feels sad and wrong and a bit of a mine field going forward.

What say you, Mumsnet?

No no, get out the fecking lentils AND glue AND glitter - they make the MOST annoying every lasting mess. If you can cover them in glitter too all the better.

COMPLETELY agree with everyone suggesting handmade present from your DC, especially if you can do it with minimal cost to you.

Sounds like you've got a needy, narcissistic mother on your hands. Who the hell behaves like this over the age of about 7??!

Or a calendar with a photo of the kids on each month with THEIR birthdays marked on in bright red pen.

well you don't give to receive so she should stop acting like a spoilt child YANBU! I get small gifts from DD to her grandparents but they are ususally just a token like a nice picture of her in a frame. Also I see them frequently and don't have any bad blood with one set anyway

I think this is about your relationship, not christmas. Sounds like a lot of hurt and wishful thinking going on. I cannot imagine not buying for my mum : my dcs choose, I pay! But we have a good relationship. Its like your mum wants this, but thinks exchanging gifts (ie pretending all is well) will work before putting the hard work of relationship building in.

YANBU.

I've never heard of any adult demanding that a 5 year old and a 1 year old get them a present in return for giving the child a Christmas present. That sounds extremely childish on the part of the adult.

Agree with others that a homemade present from the DC is the way forward, if you're going to bother with a gift at all.

I actually think YWBU for not sending your parents a small gift last Christmas, especially as you didn't say so in advance. Your mum just wants a small gift from her daughter or grandchildren. I think she has every right to expect that unless you all agree in advance no presents for adults. I would be gutted if my parents / sister didn't get me a small gift without any warning that they weren't doing presents. Not because of the gift as such but because I'd wonder what I'd done for them to stop thinking of me.

I have never in my life heard of an adult demanding a gift from a child.

There not enough to do it justice!

I don't think your mum should expect a return present. However, we stopped buying presents for adults in our family but I feel obliged to buy presents (from my dc) for those who don't have dc of ther own. I always feel it is sort of expected, my dad sends £40 for my dcs (nothing for us) and it always feels a bit wrong not to send anything back.

If she really insists that she should have a present from your DC then send her one. From your DC. I am sure the 5 year old can create something that grandma will love from a bit of glitter, some toilet roll centres and some tissue paper. The little one can probably manage a hand print or two. See if she does have the gall to complain about not getting a 'proper' present from your DC then.

Already suggested - sorry, didn't read all the posts before posting myself.

She is being ridiculous. What adult refuses to sends a present to a small child unless they can negotiate to get something in return? .

As for emailing you right after giving birth to demand to know why your 4 year old hadn't 'sent' her a present - that is not normal behaviour. It's really not.

I would just not bother with her at all if she's going to be like that. Surely your children will get plenty of presents from you and other relatives, if she chooes not to send anything.

Do people really not get presents at all for adults? I can understand an agreement for no presents or token presents only but just to stop getting someone a gift just seems spectacularly unfair.

Although your mum should have been FAR more understanding about your circumstances last year, I personally HATE the idea that at christmas children get showered with more gifts than they can handle and don't give anything in return and adults don't get anything.

I guess it's a result of the 'father christmas' idea, but I think that families should exchange gifts and that you as a family with your two children should choose and give a gift to your parents and other adult family members. I think that children should not see christmas just as 'getting' but also as 'giving' from an early age. I am not talking about expensive gifts - we always gave something to our parents of the value of a paperback book or cd.

I also think your DM sounds a bit mad, but I'd send a home-made gift (although a very large model is tempting it might be a bit expensive to post) such as a painting or collage and maybe a nice photo in a card.

Or you could say that as it would be a right faff to send a gift from the dcs over there and her to get stuff delivered here then not to bother and you will just buy your dcs a present each "from her" rather than waste money sending token gifts backwards and forwards

How rude is it though to email someone and demand to know where your present is? Even if you believe presents should be exchanged etc.

I agree maybenow, it's a healthier thing for children to see.

Ephiny - I'm guessing OP's mum was more checking whether the gift was lost in the post. I can imagine being very upset in her shoes even though OP had a lot on her plate last year.

I think that your mum wbu about last year with so much going on for your family, but I do think yabu, your 5 year old should be giving something to the adults who give her gifts. As long as I can remember I have made pressies for the adults in the family, mostly christmas decorations or painted plate or decorated plant pot with a pack of seeds.

My sister is 9 and she has made pressies for the family since she was about 2, she just loves christmas because she loves collecting together and making presents for people. My baby is due in early december and my sister recently went to a build a bear birthday party, she has decided to give the bear to the new baby and has been saving up her pocket money and buying clothes for the bear.

I intend to make little hand/foot print christmas decorations to give to relatives from my new baby this christmas. Giving is really so much more fun than taking.

Maybe Ghoul, though given the tense relationship it's also possible she was just being demanding/difficult.

Honestly I can't imagine getting remotely upset about getting or not getting Christmas presents . I know for some people it's more about the thought etc than the actual material present, personally I can't get excited about it either way though.

Lots of people are skint at the moment and the gift aspect of Christmas has always been about children. I would rather nobody who couldn't afford it felt obliged to give a gift to an adult because they had received one.

I do have a couple of adults I do get gifts for but those are ones with no family and very young children I do buy for all adults I gave birth to but other than that its just children.but then that's what my family has always done so its normal for us.

The children have done home made gifts from being old enough to understand and know about gift giving

But an email like that is very grasping and unpleasant

Some great replies. I usually hide the glitter from DD but it may be time to unleash it!

Just to clarify, we'd usually exchanged presents for birthdays and Christmases in years past but in recent years we had kind of moved away from giving between adults. My mum didn't send me anything for my birthday the last 2 years or Christmas last year and that was completely fine.

I can completely understand the point about children needing to understand it's not all about getting and I agree with it. The funny thing is, had she not said anything I would have sent something (photo calendar thingie of the kids) but now my goodwill is derailed by the strings attached feeling. :(

It's quite a troubled relationship-this is just one example of the kind of stuff that goes on, routinely.

I would send her a bookmark - laminated "curl" of hair from each - if that isn't precious enough a gift for her then give up next year...

I would be sending her shit all tbh.