to think my very young children shouldn't be expected to buy Christmas presents

[PaythePiper]

It's never too early for a Christmas AIBU, is it? I'm in a dilemma here and thought it best to throw myself on the mercy an impartial internet.

My parents live abroad but we still were very close until we had a bad falling out several years ago. I haven't seen them since though we are in regular (if a bit tense) contact.

Last year my due date for my second child was quite literally Christmas. I was terribly unwell in the run up to the birth (volcanic heartburn, debilitating depression and chronic insomina, among other things). Things were even tenser with my parents because they were declining my invitation to come visit the baby after he was born (that's a whole other story). I just about managed to buy gifts to celebrate with my husband and 4 year old daughter, but that was it. As usual my mum ordered some things from Amazon for my daughter, which was appreciated.

My son was born a week late and after returning home from an epic 36 hour labour and delivery, I had an email from my mum asking where was their Christmas present from my daughter as they hadn't had anything from her. I explained as nicely as I could that under the circumstances I just hadn't managed presents for anyone abroad this year (which included my brother and my niece).

They didn't send a card or a present for the baby.

Fast forward to this year- and my mum is asking me what would I like to do about exchanging gifts this year? My response would be that honestly, we adults in this house truly have enough stuff and don't need any more at this point- but it would be lovely if she wanted to send a little something to her grandchildren.

Her response was that she's happy to send them something- as long as she gets something from them in return so as to "avoid the disappointment of last year". She does recognise however that a 5 year and 1 year old aren't really in a position to buy pressies themselves so it would be from me. She also said she would be really sad not to carry on a tradition of family gift giving.

What do I do about this? I'm kind of bewildered that Christmas gift giving has suddenly become subject to this sort of negotiation and quid pro quo approach. We're talking about a little pressie for two little kids who would be over the moon with just about anything- is it really necessary that she gets something herself in order for that to happen? Are we going to start rating presents received in terms of appropriate equivalency? I don't know why but it just feels sad and wrong and a bit of a mine field going forward.

What say you, Mumsnet?

YANBU she sounds like my mother.....

We solved the adult pressie buying dilemma by only buying for the children in each family and just buying a 'house gift' for the adults. so something they can enjoy like a nice bottle of wine and some quality chocolates or tin of biscuits.

A hand print from baby and a xmas ornament with daughter's photo - that's the sort of gift you give from the kids. Very strange mother you have there :S But maybe she wanted something handmade to show off to friends?

We don't buy presents for anyone over the age of 18. Solves all sorts of problems. When we brought it in, everyone heaved a sigh of relief about not having to think of rubbish that the other adults didn't want or need.

Send her a photo.

No purple I did mean violet from Keeping Up Appearances because she was so hung up on the idea of something because she felt that was how it should be, and damn everything else.

I think I only ever watched one or two episodes of Keeping Up Appearances, Zombies.

Do people expect Mother's Day gifts or cards from children who are not there's

And people actually do this? Seriously?

purple I heartily recommend it

Bobyan - get a grip. Seriously? Is Jesus/Mary/Joseph your benchmark of parenting? And please show me where I said the OP was failing as parent?

I don't really do presents, apart from my dc's, dh, parents, niece / nephew so I get the laid back attitude. And your mom seems childish and BU saying she wont send them gifts if she doesn't receive, but I would still send a gift to the gp's. What did you from your dd do in previous years?

Urgh... I don't like your DM's attitude. She is genuinely holding a 5 year to ransom? I can't understand grown ups who can't grasp the concept of giving gifts; you don't expect them, you accept gratefully, you give unconditionally. I buy presents 'from the family' for everyone outside my immediate family. I would only expect my children to get me, DH and siblings presents (once the children were old enough to want to, say about 11 or 12).

I would not stop them buying presents for GPs if they wanted but it wouldn't be insisted upon by me or either set of GPs. When they were older I'd probably suggest it as courteous if we were at their house for Christmas, but that's about it.

Your mum is being very childish. To be fair, I do buy the GPs presents from the children and have done since they were born, but in your circumstances, I can see why you didn't and it's a bit ridiculous for your mum to have a massive bee in her bonnet about it.

That said, it would probably help to formalise what you're doing about presents- e.g my aunt just emailed me to say that she suggests that she just buys presents for my DCs and we drop gift-giving between us, and by me for her kids (my cousins) now they're adults. All fine, but for the last few years it's been a bit "second guessy" with embarrassment on each side if we haven't reciprocated because we thought the other one had stopped.

ZOmbies, don't you mean Hyacinth, not Violet?

OP, YANBU, nor were you BU last year - last stages of pg are a killer and sorting out presents and posting them abroad are really the last things on your mind! My poor father missed out on his birthday card this year because it was the week before I was induced (also volcanic acid reflux, insomnia, SPD, back and leg pain etc.). Has he bitched about it? Not an iota. Because he's A Grown Up.

I think it's a nice idea to send/give presents to grandparents from grandchildren but it shouldn't be conditional! I would be very loath to send her anything under the current pressurised circumstances now.

I send cards to my family in the UK, but not presents - we have an agreement in place for how we deal with it (no exchange between adults, and my Dad and sister buy for DS by giving me the money to get him something locally) because postage is so bastard expensive. I give them money to buy their presents from us as a family and send them the Christmas photo of DS with Santa. Good enough, we're all happy.

OP I send my sincere condolences on having such a horrible mother. At least you can ensure your own family are sane, I would give up her to be honest.

There is something seriously wrong with your mother.

Either ignore her completely and resign yourself to very little contact from here on in, or send her a glitter bomb from your children -- a well taped box full of glitter that will go everywhere when opened. Doesn't need to be a big box but it has to be very well taped so she will have to open it with a knife...

Seriously, this is a toxic mother you have and no contact is the way to go. Anything else would only bring you grief. Don't let her walk all over you like this.

The most a 5 yo should do is send a thank you note to people who send her a gift. Anything else is cutesy foolishness.

My mother is exactly the same, OP. DD1 was 2 months old at her first Christmas, and my mother went on for ages about how "off" it was that she hadn't got a present from her granddaughter. I was a bit bewildered as it really hadn't occurred to me to buy her anything from a small baby. She went on, and on, and on about it, citing all of her friends - "Margery thinks it's terrible that I didn't get a present from the baby." "Joan asked what I got from the baby, and I was so embarrassed that I had to say I hadn't got anything. She really felt for me." A couple of years ago I bought her a rose from each of the children, which were sent mail order. That was wrong as well, as they hadn't picked them personally! The fact that they had picked them from the internet site was neither here nor there.

When I was in my mid 20s, I was earning a lot of money, and had no outgoings, so treated her and my father to a hamper from Fortnums. Despite that being wrong at the time ("It was full of lots of funny things that we won't eat.") she has gone on every bloody year about that hamper and how she has been disappointed not to get one since. "The doorbell rang the other day, and I was so excited - I thought it was going to be Fortnum's with a hamper, but it was only Bert from down the road with some apples."

Oh and she has always clarified that it has to be a "proper present" from the children, and not "some hand made rubbish that will go straight in the bin."

So I do feel your pain.

Personally I'd tell her I think she's being unreasonable & her quid-pro-quo approach isn't in the spirit of the season. I'd point out that gifts are given to show thoughtfulness & appreciation, not because they are demanded & I'd finish by letting her know that she should not expect a gift from the children. I would then send her something personal & homemade anyway & let her feel guilty if she chose not to give her DGC presents. No way would I buy someone a present just because it was expected!

Right, second go at this post after posting it on entirely the wrong thread a minute ago...

Op your mother is behaving very badly. I'd understand it if she was making a point about children having to learn about giving as well as receiving, but her issue is nothing to do with that. Her problem is that she was disappointed about not getting something for herself last year. It's all about her. So i think the comments on this thread about your children needing to learn that Christmas is not just about them being showered with gifts aren't really the issue here. Also, you're not being selfish. Your mother is.

Mess harden damed if you do damed if you don't. Just get her some smelliest from boots next time. My mum is totally the opposite, does not want any gifts given to her as its wasting money

Meant mrsshaden

In my family everyone gets a present from a 'family set'. So my sister will receive a present from me, dh and dc. I will receive a present from her, dsil and my dn. My brother has 2 children and it works in the same way.

I have 3 children, my sister has 1 and my brother has 2. My sister has to buy more presents than her family receives. I guess this is economically unfair, but she has never complained or made any reference to it. That is not what Christmas is about.

I would feel hurt if there needed to be an economically equal system but would understand if the finances were tight and she asked for £30 to be spent on her daughter and £10 each on mine.

I just can't believe you dont want to send your mother even a token gift.I think this is about being hurt how little she means to you rather than expecting something of economic equivalence'

socharlotte I think it's the demand that's the problem. Especially an ill timed one without regard for the circumstances of the OP.

thumbwitch you're right!
-Mrs. Malaprop

Post-and-run as I'm MNing on a 10-minute naptime clock So sorry if this has already been mentioned.

Might she be talking about something handmade? One of those Christmas cards with glitter and glue blobs and lentils, that kind of thing, just to underscore the fact that the DC are thinking of granny at Xmas time? In which case she is still a PITA for expecting that last year, but it's slightly more forgivable.

MrsSchadenfreude

Now there's a bitch. Can I say that about another MNer's mum?