English

[londonandwhere]

I'm a permanent resident in the UK who comes from Far East and is married to an English man. When I met my English mother-in-law first time as a girl friend at that time, she nicely said Hello and then asked me 'Do you speak English?' I'd like to know if this can be described as racism or not.

It wasn't 'about' to hit her pickled? It's been 5 years!!

Why don't you try and move on.

It would be a hell of a lot nicer for everyone if you did?

Hmmm I wonder how good your English was 8 years ago as right now it ain't perfick.

Even white native English speakers get asked the same question. It's really not racist. (As I've said upthread it happens often to kiwis. Rarely in the UK, much more often in the US). I assume you don't speak with an English accent.

And people at work make fun of me saying words like chips, cookies, pants, singlets. OP you need to loosen up a bit.

It wasnt that I couldnt answer her any question. As soon as we said hello each other, I looked little bit nervous then she was (carefully) ask 'Do you speak English?

no she never have done anything to make me assume she is a racist except 'do you speak English.' which why I never put it out on the subject for whole 5 years.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Your MIL - who might have felt nervous herself at the meeting - asks you, carefully (as you yourself say), if you speak English and you bear a grudge about this for five years!, and then wonder if you can stir it up again now with your DH by talking with him about how his DM is racist. This kind of behaviour would put a strain on many marriages. Is that what you want?

OP - why do you not answer people's questions about why you hate your MIL? Why do you not appear to see that if a whole load of people say you are being unreasonable about your MIL - and that doesn't happen often on MN - that it is likely you might be? You do not appear to be able to understand or accept this.

Do get a grip.

I just feel sorry for your poor DH and your poor MIL.

5 years? I'd say if it didn't bother you so much that you declared at the time and your mil has shown zero racist hatred towards you then you need to let it go.
I doubt she or your dh remember and your dh may just be confused by you bringing it up because you can't decide how you feel.
or you could declare your mil racist and cut her out your life for a question she asked years ago.

Sorry I could not answer why I hate my mil so much because there were so many stories to tell. Those happended from her ignorance, careless and impoliteness. I dont take it seiously anymore after seeing my counsellors. I have been quite in my mind until recently. Then this came up and I think I can sort this out. I'm not telling my husband she is a racist referring to public opinions here. I really appriciate your precious comments.

If you don't speak to your MIL then how can she be impolite to you? OP you sound like you have real issues than need sorting out. This festering hatred could destroy you and your relationship with your DH.

No I don't think your MIL was being racist if she spoke to you and you didn't reply. Its reasonable to assume that if a non-native English speaker is not answering your direct questions possibly they are struggling with the language. My DH is not a native English speaker and I wouldn't regards someone questioning his language skills, if he wasn't answering direct questions, as racist.

Hmmm I wonder how good your English was 8 years ago as right now it ain't perfick.

Well that's a racist comment if ever I saw one.

Fakebook. It's not racist although it's a bit rude - although true.

If your MIL was racist I'm sure she would make alot more comments by now. Her question was valid.

I met a flemish colleagues wife years ago, I said 'Hi, pleased to meet you, I've heard so much about you' she replied in with a very nervous and unsure 'Hello' so I too asked if she spoke english. She didn't, we got over the language barrier and she's now a close friend that I'm sure doesn't think I'm racist.

Is that a racist comment Fakebook? Unkind certainly. racist? Hardly.

I think it a little unfair to point out OP's errors as she has already said that English is not her first language. She asked for input and got roundly told that she was probably incorrect re her MIL being racist.

English is a much easier language to learn to speak than it is to read and write because so many words sound the same and are used in different contexts (there,their,they're), are spelt the same but said differently (row) and so on. So give OP a break on that front.

londonandwhere, you are the one with very odd ideas and strange issues, your husbands mother sounds perfectly normal, and you sound utterly unhinged and from a different planet, never mind a different country...

I do have to say londonandwhere writes better English than some on my fb friends list. And scarily her friends all write on her wall in exactly the same way.

those saying "why didn't MIL ask the DH before she met OP whether she spoke english or not".

well maybe she did and he said yes she speaks english, but as OP has said, she answered hello nervously so maybe that made MIL doubt whether she had made a mistake in understanding that she spoke english. it's hardly unimaginable. i could easily see this happening and the MIL is hardly going to turn to the DH infront of OP after just meeting her and say "i thought you said she spoke english". far better to ask the person themselves.

Not everyone gets along with their MIL. It's family and sometimes you just need to forgive and forget.

Have you ever spoken to your GP about some of your feelings, op? You sound quite tense

mwrci the op has had lots of counselling.

Or even merci. Sorry.

I said it was slightly racist, albeit well-meant. I still feel it is. If you meet a white woman named Jane Smith, who fails to respond to your greeting, it is unlikely you'll assume the reason is a lack of English. You might wonder if she's shy, perhaps hearing- or speech-impaired, or simply ill-mannered. It's unlikely you would then go "Can you hear me?" - it would be rude to assume a problem. Similarly, it was rude to assume a problem when OP failed to respond and, also, racist to assume the problem was lack of English.

I bet I still haven't explained it well ...

Londonandwhere, can you explain what makes you feel so uncomfortable about your husband's relationship with his mother?

It's not racist and calling it so belittles the real racism people have to endure. I live in a non English speaking country and am frequently asked if I speak the language. It a normal question when you are known to have a different native language. I have encountered racism frequently too, and this isn't it. An example is when the shop assistant makes out that they cannot understand what you're asking for when you know damn well they do.

There is nothing racist about asking it as a genuine question.

If you know someone is visiting here from
Abroad seems nervous when they speak with you it's a perfectly reasonable thing to ask, you can then assist them as best you can or try and speak the other language.

What about if I went on holiday to Japan and someone asked me if I spoke Japanese would that be racist?

The standard of your written English is somewhat poor.

No, your MIL's question was not racist.

But now I'm curious. What has your MIL done to earn your undying hatred? If you don't want to list every crime, tell us the absolute worst thing she has ever done or said to you. It's none of my business, of course, I'm simply curious, since it doesn't seem as though anything you've written about is worthy of such intense hatred.